I Swapped My Brother On The Internet

by Jo Simmons

  ‘I can’t think about that right now,’ said Jonny. ‘I want to go to sleep. That’s all. See you in the morning.’

  Jonny didn’t see Pete-Pip in the morning, though. She was gone before he woke up. And another brother was already heading his way.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  D IS FOR DOUBT

  Jonny felt tired and rather flat as he plodded into school that morning. The discovery that Pete was not even Pete but Pip, and that Sibling Swap seemed to send along pretty much anyone to be his brother was crushing his mood. What had happened to the massive database of possible matches that the site had banged on about? What about the dedicated team of Swap operatives who worked 24/7 to find the best match for you? Best match? What a joke. So far, all Jonny’s brothers had been disasters in one way or another. Not a keeper among them. Perhaps Pete-Pip was right – the website was miles away from working smoothly!

  Towards the end of the day Jonny had a new thought. It went like this:

  Oh swear word.

  He remembered there would probably be a new brother waiting for him when he got home, and rather than the usual flicker of excitement, he felt weary and a little nervous. He would have to get to know somebody new all over again and try to make being brothers work. This was starting to feel like eating soup with chopsticks – difficult and frustrating. None of the brothers Sibling Swap had sent him had worked out, despite Jonny’s efforts. What if he got sent another non-perfect match? Oh triple swear word with a big fat swear on top.

  Then Jonny had another thought. A thought that made him gasp like he’d seen a unicorn on a skateboard or found a duckling in his pocket. The thought was how nice it would be to go home and find … not a new brother, but his original one: Ted. Not because Ted was great, but just because he knew what to expect with him. Ted would be slumped on the sofa, listening to a podcast. He would probably call Jonny a baby and send him out of the room. Jonny would probably blow him a raspberry and go get a biscuit. Simple! Jonny understood this kind of brother stuff. He’d been doing it all his life. It might not be fun or exciting, but it was familiar, comfy and predictable, like your favourite jumper. With these new siblings, though, he was navigating a whole new ocean of brotherly relations, without a map or compass or flask of reassuring hot chocolate.

  Doubt was nibbling at his brain like a terrible zombie hamster of awfulness with very sharp teeth. By the time he began his walk home, Jonny had made up his mind. Enough is enough, he thought. I’ve had it. I’m done with sibling swapping for good. I don’t care how fun this new brother seems or what he looks like, he’s going back. This is over!

  As he walked up the front path, Jonny noticed the living-room window had been repaired. He stood in front of it. He could see his reflection. Then his reflection waved.

  He leaped backwards in shock.

  His reflection reappeared at the front door.

  ‘Hello,’ said Jonny to the reflection.

  ‘Hi!’ said the reflection.

  The two boys stood in stunned silence for a few seconds, before Jonny blurted, ‘Are we actually twins?’

  ‘We are so similar!’ said the boy.

  And they were, right down to the same haircut and dark-brown eyes.

  Then they burst out laughing – Jonny extra hard, because just a few seconds ago he was determined to send this brother back and put an end to sibling swapping. But now here he was, standing in front of a boy so similar to him, so exactly like him in every way, that he instantly forgot all that. Surely, finally, Sibling Swap had nailed it. Whoop! This had to be THE ONE!

  ‘So what do you like?’ Jonny asked as the two boys huddled around the kitchen table, eating Jaffa Cakes. ‘I like biking, computer games –’

  ‘Doughnuts and swimming!’ said the new brother. ‘I saw it all on the Sibling Swap form. That’s exactly what I like too!’

  ‘Cats or dogs?’ Jonny asked.

  ‘Dogs!’ said the new brother.

  ‘Pasta or potatoes?’

  ‘Pasta!’

  ‘Bath or shower?’

  ‘Neither!’

  ‘Correct!’ said Jonny. ‘You got all those right! We agree on everything. How about this – if you could have any super powers, what would they be?’

  ‘First, magic,’ said the new boy. ‘Then, the power to go invisible. Third, the power to –’

  ‘Melt marshmallows with laser beams that come out of your eyes?’ said Jonny.

  ‘EXACTLY!’ shouted the boy. ‘That’s totally my third power!’

  ‘Amazing!’ said Jonny. ‘You’re just like me! We’re so similar! Don’t leave me hanging!’

  The new brother high-fived him and the two boys grinned at each other.

  ‘Oh heck, I don’t even know your name!’ Jonny blurted. ‘Sorry!’

  ‘Jonny,’ said the boy.

  ‘Yes?’ said Jonny.

  ‘No, my name is Jonny,’ said the boy.

  ‘Really?’ said Jonny. ‘Same as me?’

  The other Jonny nodded.

  ‘How’s that going to work, then?’

  ‘Brilliantly!’ said the new brother. ‘It means there’s hardly anything to tell us apart. Not even our names! Imagine the adventures we can have if no one can spot the difference between us!’

  ‘Twice the fun!’ joked Jonny.

  ‘Or double the trouble!’ said his new brother, winking.

  ‘Can I give you a nickname, though?’ said Jonny. ‘Just for us to use? How about J2, like Jonny number two?’

  The front door opened and closed. Jonny’s mum was home.

  ‘I can’t wait to introduce you to Mum,’ said Jonny. ‘When she sees how similar we are, it will blow her head off!’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  DISAPPEAR HERE ...

  Jonny went to greet his mum, but when he got to the kitchen J2 had disappeared.

  ‘You look puzzled,’ said his mum. ‘Everything all right? Are you surprised that I managed to get that window fixed so quickly? It was expensive, by the way. How on earth did you break it? Really, Jonny, I expect better from you.’

  She carried on lecturing him for a bit longer, but he hardly heard her. He was far too excited about J2’s arrival. Just when he’d thought sibling swapping would never work and could never work, they’d sent him J2. Perfect! Now, where had he got to? Eventually, Jonny found him upstairs.

  ‘Why did you run off?’ he asked.

  ‘Your mum can’t see me,’ said J2.

  ‘Yes she can. She’s got really good eyesight,’ said Jonny.

  ‘I mean, we can’t let her see me,’ said J2. ‘Not if we’re going to make the most of how similar we look.’

  ‘Oh, I see …’ said Jonny. ‘You mean make the most of the whole lookie-likie thing? Trick people? Who’s who? You’re me and I’m you but no one else realises. That kind of thing …’

  J2 nodded.

  ‘Jonny!’ his mum called up the stairs. ‘Can you run round to Charlie’s shop and get some more milk?’

  ‘I’ll go,’ J2 whispered. ‘It will be a chance to see if other people think I’m you.’

  Jonny felt a shiver of excitement. ‘OK, let’s try it!’ he said, giving him directions. ‘The whole mission should take no more than five minutes. Good luck!’

  Jonny waited nervously while J2 headed round to the shop. He watched the clock. Five minutes became six.

  It’s taking too long. Something’s gone wrong. Something’s up, he thought. Please say Charlie hasn’t guessed that J2 isn’t me. What if he has? What if he knows J2 is trying to trick him and he’s cross, so he’s put him in the fizzy-drink fridge? But wait! Charlie would never do that, he’s too nice. Or maybe he’s called in Mrs Algernon to quiz J2 with her scary, serious face and those eyes … Maybe Fat Stanley is sitting on J2’s chest, pinning him to the floor, so he can’t escape while he’s being questioned. Maybe …

  Then suddenly, silently, J2 appeared in his room, holding up the milk like a trophy!

  ‘You did it!’
shouted Jonny. ‘Did Charlie guess?’

  ‘No! He didn’t have a clue that I’m not you! We even had a chat about school. He seriously thought I was you.’

  ‘Amazing!’ said Jonny. He dashed downstairs to deliver the milk, and when he returned to his room, J2 was sitting at his desk, making notes and drawing graphs.

  ‘Think of the potential, Jonny,’ said J2. ‘If I can pass for you, we can share everything. One of us can go to school while the other one stays home. If you don’t like what’s for dinner but I do, I can eat it instead. We can take it in turns to unload the dishwasher. Think of that! Half the chores! And no one will ever know!’

  Jonny nodded, excited but slightly dazed.

  ‘It’s going to be amazing!’ J2 continued. ‘Now – fancy a day off school tomorrow? Do you? Well, allow me to take your place!’

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  BACKGROUND CHECKS

  ‘OK, fill me in on your friends,’ said J2, gripping a pencil, ready to take notes. So Jonny explained how George was his best mate and was mad about computers and coding. How his friend Alex always wore shorts, even if it was freezing out, and how Mya wanted to be a film director and had a collection of pine cones.

  ‘And what about your family?’ J2 asked, still scribbling madly. ‘I need some background so I can be convincing.’

  So Jonny told J2 how his parents had split up when he was seven, and his dad lived quite far away. How Jonny had been upset by his parents’ divorce, and for almost a year afterwards he would creep into Ted’s bed and sleep with him at night. How he and Ted used to build dens together out of the clothes airer and some blankets and old towels and pegs, and hide in there for ages with torches, telling each other stories. How Ted loved to eat chocolate spread and peanut butter sandwiches. How lately, since Ted was nearly a teenager, he didn’t want to play and told Jonny to keep out of his room. How Ted always teased him about touching the Hanging Pants of Doom, and said Jonny hogged the Xbox and was rubbish at climbing. He said Ted was more boring these days, and that he missed how things used to be.

  J2 wasn’t writing a lot of this down. ‘He must be a cool guy, though,’ he said.

  ‘Why?’ Jonny asked.

  ‘He was at the Sibling Swap warehouse when I was there. I never actually saw him, but his picture was up on the Star Swaps noticeboard. He was rated a Premium Swap. That’s, like, the best!’

  ‘Premium Swap?’ Jonny spluttered.

  ‘Yes, one of the best brothers on their books, so they were waiting to find the perfect home for him.’

  Jonny looked astonished at this. ‘What’s so premium about Ted?’

  ‘I dunno,’ shrugged J2, ‘but there was some blurb below his pic describing him. How he was mature and sensible, perfect older-brother material. Did his share of jobs around the house, like emptying the dishwasher and –’

  ‘I empty the dishwasher!’ shouted Jonny. ‘It’s not just Ted. He always goes on about how Mum lets me off stuff like hanging up the washing or emptying the dishwasher when I totally flipping swear word do it. Sometimes. Well, occasionally. Now and then, but I do do it!’

  ‘Calm down! It’s OK!’ said J2. ‘Come on, let’s do some building with those bricks over there. Or draw moustaches on people in the newspaper. Or flick through some comics. I know you like to do all those things. You must do, because I do too.’

  J2 was right. Jonny liked to do all those things.

  The two boys spent a couple of happy hours together, only interrupted when Jonny went down for dinner. He managed to sneak some food up to J2, and by 9 p.m. the brothers were tired. J2 decided to sleep under Jonny’s bed, out of the way, but, tucked in above him, Jonny couldn’t doze off. He was thinking about Ted being rated a Premium Swap. Ha! What rubbish! No wonder Sibling Swap had sent him so many unsuitable brothers if they went around grading Ted as Premium. They obviously had no idea. Then Jonny realised something else was nagging at his brain. It wasn’t the zombie hamster of doubt again, but it might have been its cousin, the nervous chipmunk of worry. Jonny remembered J2’s plan to go into school the next day. It was certainly plucky! But, oh swear word! Jonny thought, with a gulp. Was it also stupid? Dangerous even?

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ he whispered to J2. ‘Why don’t we just be brothers, like normal? Not pretending to actually be each other, you know?’

  ‘No way!’ whispered J2. ‘This is going to be great.’

  ‘OK, I suppose so,’ said Jonny.

  ‘I know so!’ said J2. ‘Us being identical is going to be the biggest adventure ever.’

  Just a few days ago Jonny would have agreed, but now, after a hectic few days with Sibling Swap, he wasn’t quite so sure …

  Jonny woke up feeling more positive, and was excited when J2 went off to school, looking freakishly, weirdly like Jonny. Once his mum had gone to work, Jonny emerged from his room and settled himself in front of the TV with a huge bowl of snacks and a can of Pixie Fizz. He passed several happy hours watching and munching, and even found time for a nap. When J2 finally came home, Jonny was still in his PJs.

  ‘How was it?’ Jonny asked. ‘Did anybody guess? What did Mrs Flannery say? What about George? He’s really clever. Did he spot anything?’

  Slowly, the two boys unpicked the day, with J2 explaining how it went, who said what and where and when.

  ‘It really worked,’ said J2, grinning. ‘That’s what I’m telling you! Nobody guessed. They all think I’m you! So you know what this means? It’s not like I’m your friend or just your brother. It’s like I am you! The same person!’

  ‘Amazing! I can’t believe no one guessed,’ Jonny said. ‘I mean, thanks, guys. I thought you were my friends. No, just kidding, J2. It’s cool, it’s really great.’

  ‘Great?’ said J2, bubbling with excitement. ‘This is more than great. This is big! Can’t you see? This is huge! This is … epic!’

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  DOUBLE TROUBLE

  This is not so epic, Jonny thought the next day, as he clung on to the shed in his garden, trying to prevent J2 from jumping off its roof. This is a disaster.

  Let’s rewind.

  Jonny had gone to school in the morning as usual, his PE kit and bag slung over his shoulder, and J2 promised to stay at home watching telly all day, just as Jonny had the day before. Near the school gates he caught up with his friends, Mya and Alex.

  ‘Morning!’ Jonny said. ‘Alex, why are you dressed as a fairy?’

  ‘You told me it was Dress as a Fairy Day today!’ said Alex.

  ‘I didn’t tell you anything!’ said Jonny.

  ‘You did, yesterday, at the end of school!’ said Alex. ‘My mum was up till midnight making this costume! Why is no one else wearing a fairy suit?’

  ‘Oh, by the way,’ said Mya, ‘this is from my dad.’ She passed Jonny a £10 note.

  ‘He’s really impressed by you raising funds to keep the teaspoon museum open in your gran’s village. Says he’d like to help.’

  ‘Teaspoon museum?’ Jonny spluttered. ‘I’ve never heard of a teaspoon museum in my gran’s village. My gran lives in a town, anyway …’

  ‘Really?’ said Mya, a grin bursting across her face. She snatched the £10 back. ‘Great! I’ll be having this, then!’

  The bell went just as George ran into the playground. The two friends sat at their table in the classroom and Jonny got his pencil case out of his backpack. Inside, every pencil was chewed and every pen lid was chomped and mangled. Yuck!

  ‘Think that might have happened yesterday,’ whispered George. ‘You seemed a tiny bit more nervous than usual.’

  ‘Me? I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t even …’ Jonny trailed off. He wasn’t even in school, was he? And George seemed to know it. He raised his eyebrows.

  ‘It’s OK, I get it,’ George whispered, and then winked. ‘You weren’t here, were you, Jonny? It was your new, almost identical brother, wasn’t it? Don’t worry, no one else guessed. No one except me. I knew, of course.’

 
; ‘You did?’ Jonny asked. ‘How?’

  ‘Well, you know, because I’m your best friend,’ said George. ‘It’s my job to know.’

  When it was time for PE, Jonny pulled his kit from his bag. Only it wasn’t his kit. It was his panda onesie. The teacher made him wear it for rounders, all the same. His friends laughed and Jonny felt stupid. And also hot. Doing rounders in a panda onesie doesn’t work. As the class got changed, George explained how Jonny’s new lookie- likie brother had tried to climb a tree while wearing the PE kit, but was so hopeless at climbing that he’d got stuck hanging on a branch and had ripped the shorts and T-shirt.

  ‘He must have panicked and shoved the onesie in as a replacement for the ruined kit,’ said George.

  Maybe, thought Jonny. And at the end of the day he raced home to find out. All these tales of fairy days and teaspoon museums, all this pencil-noshing and PE kit mucking-upness was the fault of one person.

  ‘J2!’ Jonny shouted as soon as he got home. ‘Why have you been telling fibs to my friends and messing about with my PE kit? And …’

  J2 appeared at the top of the stairs, smiling.

  ‘I can explain!’ he said. ‘There were maybe one or two small issues yesterday which I maybe didn’t quite tell you about. The pencil-chewing … well, I was just a bit nervous! And the fairy day was just a joke. I didn’t think Alex would take it seriously.’

  ‘Well, Alex doesn’t have a great sense of humour,’ said Jonny.

  ‘What about the onesie?’ Jonny asked. ‘Mrs Flannery made me wear that for PE, and I was roasting!’

  ‘I ripped your PE kit,’ J2 said. ‘Sorry! I was trying to climb a tree. Showing off, I suppose. I wanted to impress your friends!’

  ‘But they’re supposed to be your friends already – no need to impress them. You’re supposed to be me, after all.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said J2. ‘I won’t be so nervous when I go in tomorrow. I can pull off this being you act, I know I can.’