by Jo Simmons
‘Yes,’ said George, ‘Sibling Swap is mine. I, er, kind of created the website? With my techy skills, you know?’
‘And don’t tell me,’ said Jonny, ‘the whole dedicated team of Swap operatives who work day and night to find the right swap …’
‘You’re looking at it,’ said George. ‘Just me, with my computer, in my bedroom.’
‘You idiot!’ said Ted, marching over and looking as red as furious ketchup. ‘Your stupid website has caused so much trouble. It was a ridiculous idea!’
‘Don’t blame me!’ yelled George. ‘I haven’t got a brother or sister, so how would I know? Anyway, it was Jonny who gave me the idea, always talking about how he’d had another fight with you and he wished he had a new brother.’
‘That was just imagining and wishing,’ said Jonny. ‘I didn’t expect anyone to let me do it. Anyway, I know now. You can’t swap family members.’
‘Yes, you can!’ said George. ‘I know some of your brothers haven’t worked out, but it wasn’t a total disaster, was it? I mean, at first, you seemed so excited about it.’
‘At first, maybe!’ Jonny spluttered. ‘But, yes, it was a disaster. You can’t just go around swapping brothers and sisters on the internet, with only a form to fill out. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Plus, it’s wrong. Really wrong. It’s not, what’s the word? Edible!’
‘Ethical,’ said Ted. ‘It’s not ethical.’
‘Right!’ said Jonny.
‘I don’t believe this!’ shouted George. ‘I did this for you, Jonny. I thought you’d be happy to be able to swap your brother. More children should have that chance! I know there must be hundreds of kids up and down the land who want to do it. I just need to sort out a few problems with the website, that’s all. It’s all on my laptop, here in my backpack. Just a few clicks and Sibling Swap will be unstoppable. I won’t give up on it! This will change lives! I’ll show you. I’ll prove it!’
And with that, he ran out of the warehouse.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
DOWN TO THE RIVER
‘Quick, after him!’ yelled Jonny. He led the chase, with Ted running alongside. The other brothers followed, streaming behind in hot pursuit. George was running hard, a good way out in front, when suddenly he stopped. The river! He had run towards the river that flowed through the meadows on the edge of town, and now it was barring his way. The brothers soon caught up and formed a tight semicircle around him, with the rushing water at his back. He was trapped.
‘Hand over that laptop,’ Jonny said. ‘Hand it over so we can put an end to all this swapping madness.’
‘Never!’ said George. ‘Sibling Swap will succeed! Children around the world will be grateful to me, an only child who solved the problem of siblings! Perfect!’
George suddenly turned and began climbing down the riverbank towards the water.
‘What’s he doing?’ Jonny shrieked.
‘He’s got a boat, look!’ shouted Ted. ‘He’s getting away! Stop him! Stop him!’
Too late! George had clambered into a tiny wooden boat, hidden in the rushes, and was drifting out into the middle of the river. He pulled his laptop out of his backpack and waved it at the brothers standing on the bank.
‘Bye bye!’ he called. ‘Right here in this computer is the power to change lives. No one can stop me now! No one!’
No one? thought Jonny. There must be someone who can help. Another brother … Of course!
‘Mervyn!’ Jonny gasped, and then he shouted, loud and clear, ‘Mervyn, help! Mervyn! MERVYN!’
Silence. George floated further downstream, about to disappear round a bend in the river. The boys stood in silence. There was no Mervyn. George had got away. Jonny had failed. His shoulders sagged as he stared at the ground, miserable.
‘What was that?’ whispered Ted.
The boys all looked where he was pointing. There was a faint movement beneath the water, a flash of silver, a ripple.
George didn’t see it. He was still waving the laptop at the boys and giving them a gloating thumbs up. He didn’t notice the top half of a boy appear from the water behind his boat. He never spotted the triumphant flick of his gorgeous fishtail as he leaped into the air like a dolphin.
‘Mervyn!’ gasped Jonny.
‘Wowwwwwww!’ gasped all the other brothers as the boy flew up, grabbed the laptop and splashed back down beneath the surface, taking it to watery destruction.
‘My laptop!’ roared George, peering over the side of the boat. ‘No!’
He began paddling his hands desperately in the water and then, leaning forward a touch too much, tumbled head first into the river. Quickly, Mervyn swished alongside, pulling the spluttering boy up and tossing him back into the boat.
‘Perhaps you should stay there for now,’ said Mervyn. ‘I might not be around to save you next time.’
George sprawled, soaking and exhausted in the bottom of the boat, while Mervyn swam over to greet Jonny.
‘You came!’ said Jonny. ‘You heard my call!’
‘That’s what brothers are for!’ said Mervyn, and he splashed his tail vigorously, sending a shower of droplets over the boys, who all whooped and cheered and punched the air.
‘Mervyn, you’re the best!’ shouted Jonny, above the sound of laughter and high-fiving. They had done it! The laptop was destroyed, the children were free, Ted was Jonny’s brother again, it was all …
BARK BARK!
The group froze, silent. It wasn’t Hari this time. This was a deeper bark, an angrier bark.
BARK! BARK!
There it was again! The boys turned to see Fatso the guard dog running towards them, all teeth and slobber and fur. He had chewed through his rope and, furious at seeing all the children escaping, was bombing towards the boys at full speed. There was only one thing to do …
‘RUN!’ yelled Jonny.
Instantly, the group scattered. Alfie scampered up a nearby willow tree and Hari disappeared down an old burrow in a very meerkatish way. J2 and Pete-Pip hid behind Henry and his giant robes, but the dog hardly noticed. He had someone else in his sights. Ted! He was tearing after Ted, chasing him into a patch of dense undergrowth. Ted jumped and swerved and ducked his way through, but the dog was gaining on him. Suddenly, he came to a dead end, a thick hedge of brambles barring his way. He was stuck!
Fatso was crouching now, ready to pounce, teeth bared, a deep growl rumbling like thunder in his throat.
Ted was shaking, unable to get away. He shut his eyes, waiting for the animal to sink its teeth into him. All he could hear was growling, growling, growling, then WHEEEEE!
Ted’s eyes pinged open.
Jonny had grabbed some yoghurts off Henry and was lobbing them at the dog.
‘LEAVE! MY! BROTHER! ALONE!’ roared Jonny, chucking another one, which exploded against a tree trunk like a milky firework. The dog instantly forgot about Ted and began licking the creamy splats instead.
‘Quick, Ted, get over here while the dog’s distracted,’ shouted Jonny.
Ted dodged past the huge animal, still happily licking up yoghurt.
‘You saved me!’ he said.
‘No problem! It’s the least I can do for my brother!’
Then Jonny grinned at him and Ted opened his arms and folded his little brother into a warm hug. Jonny basked in that hug. It was a great hug. Probably one of the best hugs he’d ever had.
The warm feeling soon evaporated when Jonny opened his eyes. Looking over Ted’s shoulder, he could see Fatso, who had finished the yoghurt and was now snarling at the two brothers.
‘UH OH!’ he said, shoving Ted towards the tree Alfie had climbed up as the dog began loping towards him, teeth bared.
‘Go, Ted, go!’ Jonny shrieked. ‘Climb that tree!’
‘You too, Jonny. Come on!’ Ted screamed as he pulled himself up on to a branch. But Jonny didn’t move. He held his ground. He had no more yoghurts, but his hand found something else in his pocket.
‘Quickly, Jonny,
climb up!’ shouted Ted. But Jonny wouldn’t budge. He stood firm, a small boy standing between his brother and a very angry dog. Well, I never was much good at climbing, Jonny thought, and then …
GRRRRR!
Fatso ran at him, and as the huge dog got closer Jonny gripped the soft-something in his pocket. A tissue? A baby squirrel? No, it was a large pair of men’s pants. A large pair of men’s pants with cars on. The Hanging Pants of Doom! Of course! But Jonny was no longer scared of them. He had conquered his fear the moment he pulled them out of that tree. They worked for him now!
As Fatso leaped towards him, front paws in the air, ready to flatten him, Jonny flung his secret underwear weapon. The pants flew out, opening up like a matador’s cape and landing perfectly on the dog’s face, covering his eyes and hooking around his ears. Now Fatso couldn’t see, which was good, but he also couldn’t stop. Which was less good.
WHAM!
The full force of a high-speed forty-kilogram guard dog, now wearing pants on his head, hit Jonny squarely in the chest. He was thrown to the ground. He felt a bright pop of pain and saw a flash of white light as his head cracked against the hard ground. Then he blacked out.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
ALL BETTER NOW
When Jonny woke up he was not at home. He was not by the river either. But, looking around the room, he realised with a huge wave of relief that he was not alone.
Ted stood next to his bed. A hospital bed. Jonny lifted his hand to his head and winced. He had cuts and grazes on his scalp and a black eye. They all hurt.
‘About time you woke up!’ said Ted. ‘You’ve been out of it for ages. It’s half past nine at night! Mum was here, but she’s just gone to get a coffee.’
‘What happened?’ murmured Jonny.
‘Saved by the pants!’ said Ted. ‘Once Fatso knocked you down, he forgot about killing you and went running about, shaking his head like mad, trying to get the pants off. He eventually fell straight into the river and got swept down to George, and clambered into his boat. Sadly, the pants got washed away. But hey, that was some smart pant-throwing, brother! Though I still can’t believe you risked getting eaten by a dog to save me! You already proved you were a good brother by touching the Hanging Pants, anyway. You didn’t have to go that far.’
‘Actions speak louder than words,’ said Jonny. ‘King Henry taught me that!’
‘Yes, I did,’ said Henry, ghosting through the wall. ‘I always knew you were a man of valour, Jonny!’
‘Thanks, Your Specialness,’ said Jonny. ‘What happened to George?’
‘That knave!’ said Henry, narrowing his eyes. ‘He deserves chastising roundly, but in fact, young Peter-Pipper has taken him under her wing.’
‘Just to translate,’ said Ted. ‘Pete-Pip has decided to hold coding sessions in our shed with George, to keep an eye on him and also to help him channel his computer skills into something more sensible than a sibling-swapping website.’
‘Great idea,’ said Jonny.
‘She’s taken Sibling Swap down so there’s no trace of it now and she’s threatened to wipe all George’s hard drives if he dares try anything like that again.’
‘So all’s well that ends well,’ said Henry. ‘Being your brother has been a glorious diversion, Jonny, just as I hoped, but I see I could never replace Ted. Alas, Sibling Swap does not work, it appears. I think we can all agree on that! I shall retire to the Other Side and let you be at peace.’
Then Henry wafted away like royal smoke.
‘What happened to everyone else?’ Jonny asked. ‘Did Mervyn go back to the sea?’
Ted nodded. ‘Sends his love,’ he said. ‘He’s a bit too fishy for dry land. He did help himself to a few dodgy fish fingers before he went, though. Does that make him a cannibal?’
Jonny laughed and then winced. Ted put a hand on his brother’s shoulder.
‘Sorry you got beaten up by Fatso,’ he said. ‘I never wanted you to get hurt. Honest. Well, a bit. No! Not really! Joking!’
A grape bounced off Jonny’s head.
He looked up to see Pete-Pip, J2, Alfie and Hari bounding into the room, all talking – or in Hari’s case, squeaking – at once.
‘OK, people,’ Ted shouted above the racket. ‘Don’t crowd him out. He’s been through a lot. And don’t jump on his bed, Alfie! J2, stop lobbing grapes!’
‘We’re all going home!’ Alfie shouted, jumping up and down on the floor. ‘And Pete-Pip traced Hari’s true parents. They’re going to build a gigantic sandpit for him in their garden.’
Hari squeaked excitedly.
‘And I’ve got my own brother back,’ said J2, shoving a boy who looked rather like Ted through the crowd towards Jonny. ‘Meet Fred. Turns out he had a rough time with Sibling Swap too. Got sent all kinds of funny matches. He’s apologised for putting me on the site, just like you did to Ted, so we’re all good.’
‘Can we see you again?’ Alfie asked. ‘Once you’re better? We might not be proper brothers, but we make an amazing team! I bet you say yes!’
Jonny just grinned at his new and unlikely band of almost-brothers.
‘Better get going, guys,’ Ted said. ‘I’m his big brother and I say the patient needs to rest!’
‘Quite right,’ said a doctor, who had just arrived and was watching the boys. The brothers all promised to keep in touch, waved, grinned, squeaked, saluted, scoffed a few grapes, and then left.
Jonny waved and then winced again.
‘That will be the broken ribs,’ said the doctor.
‘This is Doctor Jones,’ said Ted.
‘And this is my brother!’ said Jonny, pointing at Ted. Crumbs, it felt good to say those words.
‘I know,’ said the doctor. ‘He’s been very worried about you, Jonny – hasn’t left your bedside. You’re lucky. Not all brothers get along so well. Have you always been close?’
Jonny and Ted burst out laughing, with Jonny wincing between giggles.
‘Not always, no,’ said Ted.
‘He gives me lots of wedgies,’ Jonny added.
‘He tried to replace me with that bunch of new brothers he found on the internet,’ said Ted.
‘But I said I was sorry!’ said Jonny. ‘And I nearly got killed for you!’
‘That was pretty stupid, though,’ said Ted. ‘You idiot!’
‘Don’t call me an idiot,’ said Jonny.
‘Ahem!’ said the doctor. ‘You will be able to continue this little discussion at home, but not yet. Jonny, you blacked out for a while, so I want to keep an eye on you a bit longer. Ted, you can take your brother home tomorrow. How does that sound?’
Ted looked at Jonny. For a terrifying second, Jonny wondered if he was going to say, ‘No way! You must be joking! After everything he’s done? Can’t you keep him here?’
Then Ted grinned. ‘That sounds great,’ he said. ‘Right, loser?’
Jonny nodded gratefully. ‘Right!’ he said. ‘Home. With my brother. That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a really long time!’
www.siblingswap.com
Change brothers and switch sisters!
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•Take the quiz to find your perfect brother or sister
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Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Oxford, New York, New Delhi and Sydney
First published in Great Britain in January 2018 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
50 Bedford Square, London WC1B 3DP
www.bloomsbury.com
This electronic edi
tion published in January 2018 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
BLOOMSBURY is a registered trademark of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Text copyright © Jo Simmons 2018
Illustrations copyright © Nathan Reed 2018
The moral rights of the author and illustrators have been asserted
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ISBN: 978-1-4088-7775-3 (PB)
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