Exiled to Iowa. Send Help. And Couture

by Chris O'Guinn

  “I’m starved,” I told him. “Dinner’s on me, by the way.”

  “Oh, hey, I was going to buy.”

  “You drove, it’s only fair,” I told him.

  He gave me a very peculiar look that made me think my secret might be showing, but he just shrugged and nodded. “Food court is this way.”

  We feasted upon burgers, fries and milkshakes together. All the while, we talked, and it was no longer awkward. I had learned to avoid a few very touchy subjects; he never mentioned his mom, so I did not ask and I did not ask about what got him booted from his last school either, even though I was burning with curiosity.

  He asked about my friends back in L.A. and if I were still in contact with them. I told him there had been a big misunderstanding just before I left and none of them were talking to me anymore. His eyes sparkled with interest at that, and he kept probing at what this drama had all been about. I didn’t want to make up a lie. I’ll dodge the truth, talk my way around it and leave pieces of it out of a conversation, but lying is something I don’t do casually.

  “Uh uh,” I told him with a little smirk. “You get your secret, I get mine.”

  “Oh, you’re going to do me like that?” he asked with a little smile. “Okay, I guess that’s fair.”

  We moved on to other topics, but I was a little distracted. For the first time I was seriously giving thought to verbally telling a person my secret. I assumed people knew and left it at that, so I didn’t have to run any risks of them ditching me. It was a scary feeling, I have to say. I wasn’t even sure where the suicidal impulse was coming from. I guess I liked Austin a bit too much and I wanted him to know who I really was. I didn’t want our friendship to have secrets marring its foundation.

  Unfortunately, since I really did like him, I had two factions fighting over it in my head. Optimism insisted that of course he would be okay with it and would be totally supportive and understanding while Prudence suggested Optimism was on crack and that really, why rush into such a huge decision? That’s the problem with the whole “coming out” business. Once you are out, there’s no going back in. You have to deal with the consequences, and I just hate consequences.

  My distraction ended later when we were nestled into our seats and the movie came on. I had been awaiting that moment for too long to be distracted by cute guys who were straight—or even if they weren’t were so far out of my league as to make it useless to dream about. I focused my teenage hormones on Zac Efron instead.

  Slowly, as the movie went on, I felt my heart turn to bitter ashes in my chest. Of course my Zaccy was cute and all, but even that was not enough to keep me happy. My smile of delight crumbled and fell to dust. The luster went out of my eyes. By the end of the travesty, I felt completely numb from the dreadful betrayal.

  I tried to tell myself it was because it was a major motion picture release, so they had made changes to make it more appealing to a wider audience. I reminded myself that it was just a movie, and more importantly, I was with Austin, so I should not be a sour puss about it.

  As we exited the theater, he burst out, “What the hell was that?”

  I blinked, and something sparked within me and returned to life. “You hated it too?” I asked cautiously.

  Austin looked indignant, outraged even. “Of course. Jesus.... I don’t even know where to begin.”

  I felt relief wash over me. “Oh thank God,” I laughed. “I know where to start. They spent two movies parodying overblown musical numbers and then in this movie, every single number was over the top.”

  “Seriously.”

  Bonding over trashing a movie is always lots of fun. As we headed back to the truck, we launched into some fairly acidic rants about the movie, though I stayed away from what was really bugging me. I was annoyed that they had made it look like the Ryan character was starting to like the Kelsi character in an actual boy-plus-girl way, but there was no safe way to express that opinion.

  We went for dessert afterwards to continue chatting. I really did not want the evening to end, but curfew and so on and whatever, so finally I had to ask to be taken home. When we stopped in front of my house, I told him thanks and he gave me another strange look that confused and unsettled me. Since I had no idea what that look meant, I just excused myself and floated back to my house.

  No, it hadn’t been a date, but it had felt like one and was certainly the closest I could hope to come to one any time soon. I was grinning stupidly as I walked into the house and I announced my arrival loudly. What an awesome night. My week had gone from the lowest possible point to an incredible high and I was just ecstatic.

  I had just finished brushing my teeth and was on my way up to my room when my mother intercepted me. “You look like you had a good time,” she said, pleased by this.

  Nothing could have wiped off the dopey grin I had on my face. “Yes. Movie sucked, but that was the only bad part of the evening.”

  “Sorry to hear your movie was bad. I know you’ve been anxious to see it.”

  “Like I said, it was the only downer.”

  My mom nodded. “I need to talk to you.”

  I shrugged. My mom and I had always been open with each other, always with that one small exception of my orientation. This seemed serious, so we went up to my room and I sat down. In my whole life, I had never known my mother to be circumspect about something that bothered her. She was honest to a fault. It was one of the things I loved about her.

  “Collin, honey, I was waiting for you to bring this up. I didn’t want to put you on the spot or anything,” she told me.

  Alarm bells were starting to sound in my head. “Uh…. Huh?”

  She gave me a warm smile. “Sweetie, I hope you know there’s nothing in the world that would make your father and I stop loving you.”

  The klaxons were becoming deafening. My heart started to thunder in my chest. “Um … what’s going on? Did they find that body? I hid it so well....”

  Her expression turned to one of faint amusement. “You’re not as good at hiding things as you think you are, dear.”

  The big talk was here. There was no doubt of it. I had been terrified of this moment for years and now it had snuck up on me. On some level, I had always assumed my parents knew, but I had just figured we had all silently agreed to not discuss it. I don’t know why, but just bringing it up had been too monumental a task for me to tackle. I had never really doubted, certain my parents would accept me, but there was always that slim chance that things would go very wrong. It had seemed wiser to wait to risk being kicked out until I was in college.

  I couldn’t think of a single joke to make. I opened my mouth to say something and found I could think of nothing at all to say, so I clicked my jaw shut.

  “Collin,” my mom said. “It’s okay. You never, ever have to be ashamed of who you are,” she told me sincerely.

  “How—” My voice warbled dangerously. “How long have you known?”

  “We suspected for a while, honey. You were sending pretty clear signals,” she informed me with a gentle smile. “But we didn’t want to assume something. You were so young— well, you still are, but you know what I mean.”

  I started to shake a little. “Oh God....”

  She sat beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. “Now don’t have a panic attack. I’m not going to lecture you or anything. Like I said, I was waiting for you to feel ready to tell us. But, if you’re going to start dating boys, well, we need to get this out in the open.”

  I was nodding like a bobble-head doll for a moment before I realized what she was intimating and I floundered in a fresh panic. “What? No! Mom, Austin is just a friend. This wasn’t a date.”

  Her eyes were serene upon my face. “Sweetie, a boy gets dressed up for you, takes you out to dinner and a movie—it’s a date.”

  I shook my head stubbornly. “You don’t…. You don’t get it. I like him. Yeah, but we’re just friends.”

  “Like you and Mike?”

  I
started to have trouble breathing at that point. “What? What are…? How…? What…? Mom....”

  “Honey, calm down.”

  That was asking way too much from me at that moment. I did manage to get some air into my lungs, however. “What do you know about Mike?” I asked in a hoarse voice.

  She was quiet for a moment before answering. “His mother called me and said you.... Well, she told me you did things I knew you would never do. I told her as much. We … got other calls. A lot of people said some stupid things.”

  I was floored. “You never said....”

  “You didn’t need to know,” she told me simply. “We knew you were devastated by what happened with Mike and didn’t need any more stress.”

  A terrible, horrifying idea struck me. “Wait, please tell me we didn’t move to this God-forsaken place on my account?”

  “No,” my Mom assured me. “But let’s just say your father stopped trying as hard to find jobs in L.A.”

  That hit me like a freight train. How insane was it that I was stuck in Iowa for my own benefit? I was boggled by the notion. And Shawn.... God, now it really was my fault that he was getting screwed. I felt ill knowing that.

  “Why didn’t you ever say?”

  “You didn’t seem to want to talk about any of it,” she told me. “Like I said, we were trying to give you time to come to us.”

  That brought us back around to Austin. “It wasn’t a date. I mean it. He’s just this really cool guy who doesn’t have any friends.”

  “Shawn said some things that have us a little worried.”

  “Shawn sometimes forgets to shut up about stuff that isn’t his business,” I remarked peevishly.

  “Now, honey, he’s just concerned for you. If Austin did try to hurt a teacher or his fellow students, then he’s not the sort of person I want you spending time with.” I started to protest, but she cut me off with a smiling shake of her head. “Put the tantrum away. I’m not saying you can’t see him. He seems nice enough and we trust your judgment. We would just like to know a little bit more about the people you spend time with.”

  I relaxed a little. “I really don’t know. I asked him, he won’t tell me. He swears he didn’t try to blow up his old school, though. And I believe him.”

  My mom nodded slowly. “All right then. Now, we need to talk about the importance of safe sex.”

  “Mom!” I whined, horrified and embarrassed to the core.

  She laughed. “You are such an easy mark.”

  I sulked at her choosing to pick on me in my fragile state. “I think I hear Dad calling for you.”

  She gave my shoulders a squeeze. “All right, I’ll get out of here.” She got up. “I did put a book on your desk that you need to read, honey.” She did not go into any details, but I was pretty sure what sort of book it would be. Her expression was pensive. “I will say, I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of you getting into sex at your age, but I know that forbidding you is pointless, so … just read the book and be careful, please.”

  I watched her head for the stairs. “Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  I swallowed hard against a dry throat. “You’re really okay with me … being … g-gay?” I had to say the word. For some reason, it was very important to say it out loud.

  Her smile told me all I needed to know. I felt its warmth bathe me with all the love I knew she had for me. I relaxed and soaked up the feeling of her acceptance, my emotions a complete jumble in my chest. The “Talk” had come and gone and I was still standing; metaphorically speaking.

  She said, “Yes, Collin. Good night.”

  Then she went down the stairs, leaving me feeling dizzy. I glanced over at my desk and read the title of the book. It made my cheeks flame bright, but I was grateful. My mom was going to let me find my own answers, which was a relief. I would never have been able to get through an actual sex talk with her.

  Before bed, I checked my social sites. It was a habit. Even if I was a pariah and my old friends had abandoned me, I still liked to check and see if there were any newcomers. I am pretty free with telling people where they can find me on the web. Shawna, Franci and Jackie had friended me on Facebook, which was nice to see. I friended them back of course.

  I also had a little email from a certain someone. It read, “Had a great time. Was thinking, the carnival is in town in a couple of weeks. If you want to go, let me know.”

  I went to bed with a very big, very silly smile on my face that night.

  Chapter 9

  THE TOPSY-TURVY WEEK HAD ME flying high all weekend. I called Austin to firm up plans for the carnival, and we talked for over an hour about this and that. I got him to open up some, which I felt was a victory.

  By Monday, I had made a resolution. It would be incredibly dangerous and put everything I was building at risk, but I was determined. Austin was too cool to be ostracized. It wasn’t fair to him to be his friend only when no one was looking.

  I set my tray down at the table where Keith and Nick sat. They were sharing some joke about something, but they looked up when I arrived. “I’m going to invite Austin to join us,” I told them.

  Keith did not even blink an eye. Nick, however, looked horrified. “Why?”

  “Because he’s my friend,” I told him nervously.

  Nick gaped at me. “What?”

  Keith shrugged. “It’s fine with me.”

  I gave Nick a wary look. “We’ve hung out. He’s really cool.”

  “He’s psycho,” Nick objected.

  “No, he’s not,” I replied hotly. “You don’t even know him.”

  “And I don’t want to.”

  “Come on, Nick,” Keith intervened. “If Collin says he’s okay, then he’s okay.”

  “Keith, man, you may not care what anyone else thinks, but I do. You have any idea what people will say if they see us talking to the school weirdo?”

  “Didn’t your friends say the same thing to you about me?” Keith challenged.

  “That’s not even the same thing,” Nick protested.

  I couldn’t really be too hard on Nick, since I had let similar concerns keep me from admitting I was friends with Austin. It was uncomfortable, though, to hear those selfish worries given voice and tone. I felt even more ashamed I had let them control me for a whole week.

  Nick shook his head and picked up his lunch. “No way, man. I’m going to go to the library or something.”

  “Nick … come on,” I said, but he was already leaving. “Damn it.”

  “He’ll calm down,” Keith told me with certainty. “He gets stubborn sometimes, but then he gets over it.”

  I did not like causing problems, but the damage was done. I went over to Austin, who looked up from his book with astonishment in his eyes.

  “What’s up?” he asked guardedly.

  “I was hoping you would join me and Keith for lunch,” I told him.

  “Why?” he asked, baffled.

  “Because you’re my friend and friends hang at lunch,” was my simple reply.

  Austin slowly shook his head. “You’re insane. Being seen with me....”

  “The school bad boy? It will give me street cred. Now, come on, I’ll introduce you to Keith.”

  “Are you really sure that’s a good idea?” he asked uneasily.

  I had expected him to be eager at the prospect of an invitation out of his exile, but instead he was balking. That confused me, but I pressed on anyway.

  “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  Austin’s expression grew even more guarded and uncertain. “Your buds might not be down sitting with the school psycho.”

  “Nah, Keith’s fine with it.” I didn’t mention Nick because that wouldn’t help my case at all.

  “Okay,” he said finally and followed me to where Keith was working on his pudding.

  “Austin, this is Keith.”

  The two exchanged a brief look and then Keith went back to his Sudoku puzzle. I sat down and Austin sat next to me. I wa
s very much aware of a couple hundred pairs of eyes on us, but I ignored them stubbornly. They would just have to get over it.

  Austin was also aware of it, and he shrunk miserably in upon himself. I felt bad for making things awkward and I worried that my good intentions had made things worse, but there was no going back now. I fumbled about before I found a topic to blather about. I can chatter about minutiae like a champ when I need to. I filled the awkward silence at the table with talk about crazy Lundquist (today he’d gotten furious with a student for not knowing an answer and had spent a little while muttering animatedly to himself), the drama club and my new job until my two friends started to respond.

  “Oh! I nearly forgot! Keith, interested in making some money?”

  That got Keith’s attention. “You bet. I need a car, man.”

  “I’m working at The Grab Bag now. I talked to the owner, Jack. He’s ready to hire you as a stock boy, if you want.”

  “Dude, that would be awesome!”

  I told him to call Jack and gave him the number. Keith wouldn’t be much good at offering fashion advice, but that would be the most organized store in the Midwest when he was done with it. I had explained to Jack that Keith was a little slow sometimes, but a great guy who would never let him down. That had been enough for my new boss.

  After lunch, I was set upon by Becca, who was looking wild-eyed. “Did I really see you guys hanging with that Austin kid?”

  I sighed and nodded. “Yes, you really did.”

  “Wow…. What’s he like?”

  “Huh?” I was amazed to find she was actually curious instead of skeptical. “He’s cool.”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “You don’t think he’s, like, crazy or anything?”

  “No,” I told her patiently. “He’s just lonely.”

  Becca let her amazement show on her face. I got more comments and questions of the same sort as my day went on. Instead of laughing at me or making fun of me for being friends with him, I was being treated like the bravest guy in the world. It was like they saw me as someone who wrestled alligators or something. I guess everyone was a little curious about Austin.