Exiled to Iowa. Send Help. And Couture

by Chris O'Guinn

  The thrill of victory was mixed with the bitterness of loss. Shawn was so important to me that not having him to turn to at a moment’s notice was incomprehensible. Even if he was being a butt-head at the moment, I still loved him and knew I would miss him awfully.

  I was going to have to make up with him before he left. There was no question about that.

  My dad directed me in a meandering route that led us to the outer edge of town. I was completely startled when he told me to turn into a used-car lot. Of course, I did not object or demur that we couldn’t afford a car for me. The idea of having wheels drove any impulses towards noble sacrifice right out of my head.

  My dad laughed at my expression. “We saved the money we got for your Sunbird and added a little here and there. We can afford a fixer-upper for you.”

  “Oh my God…. Dad….”

  He grinned. “Oh, good, it worked.”

  “What worked?”

  “Your mom and I figured if we let you think you’d caught us planning a surprise party, you wouldn’t try to figure out the real surprise we were planning.”

  “I....” My eyes narrowed. “You knew I knew?”

  “Please. You? Nobly accept you weren’t getting a big birthday bash?”

  I flushed. The flipside of my knowing my parents as well as I did was that they knew me just as well and could evidently play me when it suited them. I found myself chuckling, delighted that I had been utterly taken in.

  A middle-aged man came over and my dad introduced him as Roger. My father had been by previously and vetted the lot and found a sales person he felt was marginally reputable. After a short time, I had to agree, since Roger was so honest that for a salesman it was actually unseemly.

  He knew what we were after and he talked educatedly about the potential problems of every car we looked at. We started the engines, we popped the hoods, we took test drives. I was being merciless in my quest for the perfect first car, determined to get the absolute best deal we could for our budget.

  In the end, a sweet blue Pontiac Fiero of a 90’s vintage went home with us. It needed a paint job in the worst way and there were some serious electrical things to work out and I was going to be spending a few weekends with it, but it was mine and that was all that mattered.

  I could feel freedom within my grasp.

  Chapter 13

  THE PARTY WAS THE PERFECT cap on the most awesome day ever. Most of the Drama Club was there; only Becca was conspicuous in her absence. Billy, of course, was not there, but since Austin had been in charge of the guest list, I wasn’t actually surprised. It probably would have just complicated everything.

  Awesome music, great food and friendship marked the occasion. We laughed, we danced and we talked. The only way it could have been better would have been if I could have had a slow dance with Austin. I did understand, however, that if I got that, my happiness would cause me to burst, so it was probably best that I didn’t.

  I was flying so high that I even felt braced enough to deal with Keith. The fact that his sister had refused to come could not possibly have gone unnoticed by him. If he was pissed at me, I wanted it out in the open. Though my preferred method of handling confrontation was to avoid it, sometimes it is best to just get them over with.

  I pulled him outside for a little face-to-face.

  “What’s up?” he asked, sipping his soda.

  “Well….” I scratched the back of my neck. “I just, well, I guess I needed to know if it was going to be swords at dusk or pistols at dawn.”

  Keith laughed, not getting it but amused anyway. “You are so strange. What are you asking?”

  “Uh, well, your sister … I’ve obviously hurt her, and I know how you react to that sort of thing, so if you’re going to break my face, just try not to hit my nose … all right?”

  I watched him process all the information, sorting it all out and parsing it into manageable chunks. I did not interfere, waiting for him to catch up.

  “Is this about the Homecoming Dance?” he asked in confusion.

  I nodded guardedly.

  He cracked a big smile. “Oh, don’t even worry about that, dude.”

  I gazed disbelievingly at him. “Really?”

  Keith nodded. “I mean, yeah, it hurt her, but I told her not to take it personally.”

  I started to relax; even smile. “That’s pretty cool of you.”

  He shrugged his big shoulders. “I guess. I just told her that she was being kind of dumb to feel rejected by a gay guy. I mean, seriously, it’s not like she was being shot down because she wasn’t pretty enough.”

  My heart turned to ice in my chest. “You … know?”

  “Know what?”

  “That…. That I’m….” I had forgotten that while Keith was easily distracted and slow to understand a lot of things, he also was possessed of an alarming perceptiveness. “You know that I’m gay?”

  Keith stared blankly at me. “Is it a secret?”

  I felt panic knocking at the door. “Kind of…. Who else have you told?”

  “No one,” Keith replied, baffled by my concern. “I figured everyone just knew.”

  Well, that was something. At least it was not common knowledge—yet. “What did Becca say when you told her?”

  “You know? It’s funny. She told me I was being stupid. She never uses that word with me. My mom used to ground her when we were kids if she called me dumb or stupid or anything.”

  “You’re not stupid,” I told him absently, chewing over this new development.

  Panic kept scratching at the door, so I let it in and gave it cookies.

  “Did I screw things up for you?” Keith looked devastated at the thought.

  I got a hold of myself with some effort and shooed Panic back out the door. In a strange way, I just knew it was time. It didn’t matter that Keith would never tell a soul or that Becca didn’t believe it. I suddenly had this feeling like the moment was here for me to have it over and done with. It was like hiding who I was and living in fear were the actions of a kid, not a young man whose father was proud of him, who now owned his own car and had his first boyfriend.

  I was also a little weary of having my secret constantly hanging over my head like a piano held aloft by a fraying rope in a cartoon.

  I put my hand on Keith’s shoulder. “I guess this is stupid to even ask, but you’re okay with it?”

  Keith gave me another perplexed look. “I knew from the first day we met, dude. It’s no big deal.”

  I gave him a big smile. “You are the best. I’m lucky I ran into you.”

  “Damn right,” he replied with a smile.

  I squared my shoulders and walked back into the house where the party was still going. I felt no fear, only an absolute certainty—they would either accept me or they wouldn’t. Time was not going to make it better, no matter which direction it went. Once again, Jen had been right, had been about everything. I turned down the stereo and asked for everyone’s attention.

  “You guys are awesome,” I began awkwardly. “When I came here to Buford, I was sure I’d died and gone to hell.” That earned me some laughter. “I had no idea I would find such good friends or have such good times here.” I looked out at their smiling faces; these wonderful friends of mine who had accepted me; all of the “me” that I had shared, anyway. “But I sort of suck, in a way. I didn’t trust you all with who I am, and I finally understand that I have to stop.”

  Austin was staring at me in wide-eyed astonishment. How like me, after all, to come out in such a dramatic, attention-hogging way.

  “So, yeah, this secret—which apparently isn’t much of a secret, I’m learning—is that I’m … gay.”

  Silence.

  Staring.

  Then there was a round of smiles and eye-rolling and a chorus of “duh” from my friends. It was the best reaction I could have hoped for, so I only smiled when people made it clear to me that their surprise could not have been less. Relief filled me at their accepting me,
really accepting me.

  Then Austin stepped over to me. “And I’m his boyfriend.”

  That really got their attention. I was astounded by Austin’s declaration. It had always seemed to me that he felt his orientation was merely one of many things that were no one’s business.

  Shawna sighed dramatically. “Figures. All the cute boys are gay.”

  And the moment passed. We were congratulated and more smiles and good cheer went around as at long last, Austin and I stood holding each other’s hands in their midst. I had always hoped they would not turn away from me, but nothing was certain in life. It was wonderful to know for sure they were still my friends.

  All save one. Amidst the smiles and the laughter, there was one unsettling look of betrayal that made my gut twist.

  Nick was staring at me in disgust and disbelief. I watched in disappointment as he shook his head, put down his drink and walked out of my house. I did not go after him. There was no point.

  As Jen had said; everyone had a right to make their own choices.

  * * *

  I eyed the whirling blades of doom carefully. I plotted my trajectory. I calculated timing. I estimated the gradient. I looked for imperfections in the surface.

  “Oh, will you just go already?” Austin demanded exasperatedly.

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? If I blow this shot, you have a chance of maybe beating me and then you won’t have to take me to see Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist.”

  Austin sighed. “I never would have made that bet if I knew you were some sort of golf-shark.”

  I grinned at him, took aim and hit a perfect shot into the windmill. Austin groaned and followed me down the hill. He was losing very badly, a fact that perhaps I enjoyed a bit too much. Mini-Golf had been his idea, though. I had not even been consulted. In fact, I had been told that since he had secured my time for the whole day through his deal with my parents, he had the whole day planned and I was just to follow along and enjoy.

  Now that my friends all knew I was gay, I found my guard slipping dangerously around Austin. I kept touching his hand or squeezing his shoulder or brushing fingers along the small of his back. I was clamping down firmly on those impulses here in public, but it was hard. I just wanted to slip my arm around his waist as we walked or kiss him consolingly when he made a particularly bad shot. It was just too nice a day to get gay-bashed, though, so I checked myself before someone wrecked my self.

  Memories of the slow dance I had finally gotten at the party lingered in my mind. How right, how perfect … how natural it had felt, sharing that with him. Surrounded by my family and friends, dancing close to the guy I loved, celebrating my sweet sixteen—it had been like a dream.

  “So, I talked to my dad about Homecoming night. He’s cool with you coming over,” Austin told me as we moved on to the castle with its impossibly narrow drawbridge.

  I watched him taking careful aim. He needed a couple of very lucky shots to catch up to me at this point. “That’s good to hear. We’ll try to be quiet.”

  Austin smiled to himself and made an astonishingly perfect shot right across the drawbridge. His neon green ball was spat out a moment later and it went right into the hole below. “Yes!” he crowed.

  “Lucky shot,” I told him, laying down my orange ball.

  “Anyway, my dad is going to be chaperoning the dance until late, so we don’t have to worry about the noise thing.”

  “Oh?” I felt a little smile spreading across my blushing face. “That sounds interesting.”

  “I thought so. He also said it was all right if you slept over.”

  Once again, Austin hit me with a huge surprise, and this time he had timed it so my shot went wild. I hardly paid any attention to my ball skittering into the bushes, though. I rolled my eyes in Austin’s direction, radiating alarm and excitement.

  “Over … night?” My voice, the treacherous beast, had transformed into an embarrassing squeak.

  Austin nodded with a smile that made my breathing become uneven. “We need lots of time to study that book of yours.”

  Gulp!

  “Yes … but I don’t know if I’m ready for the more … advanced chapters….”

  Austin chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’m almost sure that nothing like that will happen.”

  He was baiting me, so I loftily ignored him. Unfortunately, my concentration was shot from then on and he destroyed me. My defeat consigned me to an hour in the batting cages with him, at a date to be determined by his heartless whims.

  Austin did not even apologize for beating me using his underhanded tactics; and on the day after my birthday of all things.

  After golfing we raced go-karts, which was tons of fun. Then we had dinner at an awesome Italian place; holding hands and touching under the table the whole time. Stuffed, we drove off into the night and found some nice quiet place to park. We then talked about our favorite poets and what subjects we would be taking next year….

  No, of course we made out. A lot. Our hands might have ventured into new places as well, but that’s as much as I will say on the matter.

  The next week at school was sheer torture for several reasons. Anxiety was having a field day with the idea of what Friday night was potentially going to involve; whispering to me about what could happen, what bad things might occur and what epic fail I might blunder into. It was awful, yet very exciting at the same time.

  Becca was a source of tremendous stress. I was still grappling with my guilt over hurting her, but now I had to also worry about what she might do if she realized her brother was right about me. I was out to my friends, but I didn’t see the need for anyone else to know. If Becca got angry enough, she might just let something slip and I didn’t like thinking where that would lead.

  My comfortable, lazy days had vanished. I was back to being on high alert, ready to flee from trouble at the first hint of it. On balance, though, things were so good that I couldn’t be dragged down by stress. I could handle a little guilt and some worry as the price for all the awesome in my life.

  That awesome quickly included a driver’s license. Now that I had a car (which basically worked, in spite of the fixes it still needed) and was sixteen, my parents let me take my test and I passed. I went completely spastic with that piece of paper in my hands. It represented one giant leap towards independence.

  Of course, I was still very much subject to their rules, a fact that was impressed upon me when I presented the idea of a sleepover at Austin’s to my mother. I suppose I could have lied; made up something about spending the night at Shawna or Jackie’s or whatever. Casual dishonesty is not among my failings, though.

  I suppose it violates some basic teenager-law, but I just had no desire to lie to my parents. I’d tried it in the past with absolutely no success. They saw right through me. Now, with everything approaching perfect, it seemed like an awful idea to see if I could get one past them. Not only would it threaten Shawn’s imminent departure as well as any freedom I might hope to have ever again, it would disappoint them, and I really didn’t want to do that.

  My mother had to think about it for a day before she gave me her answer. She was thankful for my honesty, which was the only reason she was even willing to consider it. After careful thought and weighing all the pros and cons very seriously, her answer inevitably was no.

  “Mom, please?” and other various protests fell on deaf ears.

  “I can’t keep you from making bad choices when I’m not around, sweetie, but I’m not going to just let you do whatever you want. And no, those puppy eyes of yours won’t work either.”

  I was devastated, but not altogether surprised. Austin seemed to have a license to do anything he wanted with his dad, but my parents were less generous. I sulked, I fumed and I whined, all to no effect. I considered sneaking out, but I knew they would be watching me.

  The only compromise I was able to wring out of them was to have Austin come over to our house where he could hang out for a while under the u
nwelcome supervision of my parents. It was far from the romantic night I had wanted, but it was something.

  It definitely made me rethink my honesty policy, though, that’s for sure.

  Chapter 14

  “JUST RELAX YOUR THROAT AND open your mouth wide.”

  “I don’t think I can do this.”

  “Oh, stop whining. You’ve almost got it.”

  Billy gave me a look that warned me I was getting very close to a line. I smiled impudently at him, knowing that we had passed the point where he would actually hurt me. Against all odds and in defiance of all sense, we were now very close to being friends.

  I tapped the ivory key again.

  Billy huffed in annoyance and threw his voice into the note. To his surprise (though not to mine) he hit it. A look of bewilderment crossed his face. I smiled and nodded and tapped the key again. Once more, he reached into himself and found the right note.

  “Good. See? You can do this.”

  Billy responded with a shy smile. He had evolved into an entirely different person since that day he had turned his back on Derek. The superficial changes were obvious; he now dressed in clothes that didn’t look like they’d been scavenged from a hamper and he had kept up with the skin-care products as well. The other changes were more profound, though. He had given up his bullying ways entirely.

  I had witnessed a few encounters between Billy and Derek. They mocked him and accused him of “going soft” and called him a lot of names that should have sent him into a towering fury, but all he did was call them losers and go on his way.

  Austin did not trust him and was sure he would go feral on me at any moment. I had told him about Billy asking for my help with Becca, but he still did not trust the former bully’s transformation. I knew he was just worried about me, so I didn’t chide him too much for holding a grudge.

  Once Billy mastered the note that had been kicking his butt, we were ready to work on “Elephant Love Song.” I turned the piano over to our musician, a sophomore named Vince, and then called Shawna over. We hadn’t seen Becca in rehearsals for days, so Shawna kept having to stand in.