by Kara Hart
It doesn’t feel like last night. It feels wrong. Very wrong. I have to get him out of this room. Fast. “I… I just can’t, okay?”
“Come on,” he sighs. “I told you already. I’m here for you. What else do you need, baby?”
“Please respect my wishes,” I tell him very calmly, even though I’m about to lose it. “I would like to be alone right now. We’ll have our one-on-one time when the show calls for it. Thanks, Danny.”
“Fine,” he says, getting up in a hurry. “We’ll have it their way. The show will go on.” He walks angrily to the door and then turns around, breathing sharply.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. I don’t mean to be breaking hearts right now. I just feel weird about everything. Ever since last night, my feelings have changed about this show completely. I feel stuck.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, smiling. “I understand completely.”
If that’s the case, why does this all feel so wrong?
Payton
I shipped out, geared up, and arrived right in the middle of the desert. When I step foot on that dirt, I have to really soak it all in. This is home now. There’s no running away from this one. Three months and I’ll be home. No doubt, this will be the longest three months ever.
“Welcome to your new home, rookie!” my commander says to me. We met in basic training already. No big deal. I’m with all my SEAL buddies now and they’re ready to kill. Me, on the other hand, I’m ready for the unexpected.
“Alright. No introductions necessary, I presume. Let’s move!” he yells.
We run into the briefing room, salute, and sit down and wait. There’s a lot of yelling going on. If you don’t yell, you’re not taken seriously. This is something I actually write down.
I sit down and nod to some of my fellow soldiers. Some of them I know. Some of them I don’t. “Good morning, pussies!” the officer in charge screams at us. “I see you brought your panties. Good thing, because we’re sending you right out in that desert to fight!”
I feel my stomach churn slightly, but overall, I’m ready for this. I’m ready to leave my world behind forever. The past is the past, right?
“For the past year, we’ve had our men encounter two small firefights. We’ve been successful on both fronts and have only lost a few men. I’m proud of our SEALs and all they’ve sacrificed,” he shouts. The rest of the men scream in solidarity. “But now’s the time to get serious. You know why?”
Everyone is silent. There’s not a sound in the room. You could hear a fucking pin drop if you wanted to. “That’s what I thought,” he says. “Well, as it turns out, one of our men has decided to go AWOL. The son of a bitch has taken it on himself to win the war. Naturally, as SEALs, we don’t take kindly to that sort of thing, do we?”
“Sir, no sir!” everyone yells, including me. I perk my chin up and look the man directly in the eyes. This is it. Our first mission. And it’s a fucking dangerous one. We’ll be exposed to militants all over this desert.
“We are one, SEALs!” he screams. We all cheer back. I’ve got a sinking feeling in my stomach, but it’s not because I’m scared. It’s because I know my life is about to change forever. What I’ll see, what I’ll experience, will test me. Well, I’m fucking ready. Bring it.
“But we do not leave a soldier behind! He’s decided to take off. So, now we gotta bring him home, boys. Here’s the mission directive.”
He shows us a thousand slides. Pictures of the city center. He describes the culture as carefully as he can. He gives us words and phrases we can use to ask the locals questions. He tells us all we’ll need to know in the matter of 30 minutes.
Moral of the story? We’re fucked if we aren’t careful. We’re completely surrounded. The enemy combatants are all in plain clothes. There’s no way to know who’s who out here. This place is a mirage. It’s a reflection of the self, and we’re bring our weapons into it. All because of a soldier who didn’t want to fight.
Well, the boys are pissed and I can see why. I bunk up with a man known as “Savage.” He’s not having it. He’s fucking angry, cleaning his gun with precision.
“When I find him,” he whispers to me as the lights go out, “I’ll kill him myself. I won’t need any Taliban or Isis to do this shit. I’ll slit his throat and be done with the mission. Then, I’ll do the real job and defend my country.” The gleam in his eye is harsh and threatening. It doesn’t frighten me, however. I just nod and fall back onto my cot.
Everything is uncomfortable here. There’s no telling what will happen. Oddly enough, I actually smile at that thought. This was exactly what I signed up for. Urgency. Now my life has purpose.
But when I reach into my pocket, I feel something hard and folded. I don’t remember putting anything in there and I was sure that at takeoff, everything was in my bag. But I guess I missed this. I pull it out slowly and unfold it.
In the dark room, far away from home, I look at the thick, glossy paper. It’s a photo with a handwritten note on the back. It reads:
I’ll cherish the night we had together. The way you ate me… I’ll never get that out of my head. Be safe over there. Promise me. I’ll be thinking about you, hero. Love, Dakota.
I turn the photo around and feel nauseous. It’s a polaroid of her in that red dress, right before we met at the beach. She’s glamorous, like a movie star.
I feel sick to my fucking stomach. A hero? Me? All I want to do is to go home and get away from people like Savage. He’s out to kill. Shit, they all are. And what am I doing out here? Looking at a picture of the girl I should have run away with.
What have I done?
Dakota
On the set, time flies. Though the men have yet to prove their worth, I’m having the time of my life in Maui. The water is perfect, the sun is shining, and we’ve got all the piña coladas we could ever ask for.
Danny has taken over the show and I can tell the men just hate him. He sits next to me at the hotel pool and asks “Can I lather you up?”
I nearly laugh. With a set of five cameras and the directors screaming at you, the whole thing feels so fake. And yet, they’re actually trying to woo me into marriage. Jani looks at me like, “Do it, or you’re fired,” so I smile and say, “Of course. Thank you, Danny.”
He pours the sunscreen in his hands and spreads it over my back, quickly moving to my thighs. I squirm a little to let him know, not too fast. I’m still thinking of Payton. I can’t help it. Did he find my picture? Will he write to me when he gets lonely? These are the questions I’m asking myself on a daily basis, even after three weeks have passed.
“I was thinking,” Danny says, “and I’ve come to the conclusion that we should have some one-on-one time.”
“Oh yeah? What made you come to that conclusion, Danny?” I ask, smiling to myself. The guy is determined. I’ll give him that.
“Look, Dakota,” he breathes out and thinks to himself for a second before continuing with his train of thought. “I think the world of you. I really do.” His hands lather around my back. He starts massaging it into my shoulders and the cameras are eating this up.
“I’m glad, Danny,” I smile. “I really am.”
“And, well, I just want to say that I’m really falling for you,” he says with an earnest tone to his voice. “I can imagine a life with you. You’re sweet, intelligent, and so fucking gorgeous, it’s insane.”
I turn around and face him after he’s done. The words are actually really sweet, but it’s hard for me to trust anyone right now. It’s hard to let go of the night I had with Payton. It was just so real. It felt so right. But he never wrote me. Even though he knew I’d be here, he never even tried to say anything. I got the message: it was just a fun night. I need to forget about it.
“Danny, I really appreciate you telling me all of this,” I carefully choose my words. I exhale sharply and close my eyes. “But I don’t know how to open up to anyone here.”
The cameras zoom in on our faces and I’m feeling
so vulnerable and detached. Danny’s face lowers and his eyes carry pain in them. I know he’s the right choice. Everything points to him. But I can’t let myself choose just yet. There’s just so much more time on the show.
“I understand,” he says. “Being on television. Being on a million screens and trying to stay real… it’s tough. It’s real tough.”
“I promise I’ll give you time once I get more settled in,” I say.
“I don’t expect you to rush this,” he says with a gentle voice. This is a total 180 from the time he barged into my hotel room. “Because this is too good to be rushed. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Dakota. But I want it to be right first. I want you to know, a hundred percent, that you want me.”
“Thank you for understanding, Danny,” I sigh. He kisses my cheek like a gentleman and we all walk over to the rest of the guys.
“Alright, guys!” I say, clapping my hands together. “As you all know, I love it when a man is a good teammate. But I also like a man who takes charge. So, we’re going to play a little game of volleyball. The winning team gets to spend a full, steamy day and night with me. And don’t worry. It’s going to be hot. Are you ready?” The men all look at each other competitively and nod. They’re in it to win it.
And when the whistle blows, all hell breaks loose. The men climb on top of each other, fighting for the ball. All sense of teamwork goes right out the window. As for me, I’m enjoying this.
The truth is, I am looking for love. I want that one guy to steal my heart and Danny might actually be that guy. I really need to think about it. He has to prove it to me first. Plus, this Brock guy is definitely trying to steal his thunder and maybe he’s the right one for me. It’s just so hard to tell at this point.
Brock, a buff weight trainer from Arizona, takes his team to the top. He smashes that volleyball over the net and Danny misses. “Brock’s team is the winner!” I yell out, jumping up. “To the rest of the guys, I know that you played your hearts out, but you’ll have your chance soon enough.”
Danny looks embarrassed as his team is escorted away from the pool, back into their quarters. Brock, however, is now all over me. The rest of the guys waiting for their turn.
“You guys were so great!” I exclaim. Brock nods arrogantly to himself. Nick and Jess stand tall next to him, but they’re quiet. It’s hard to read some of these guys and I get the feeling that some of them have come on the show for fame and fortune instead of me.
“I told you earlier that the winning team would get to spend a hot and steamy day with me. Well, congratulations, guys. Your time has come. We’re going all the way to Haleakala National Park, an old volcano,” I tell them. “I adore horses and horseback riding, so I thought we could go for a little ride around the rocky terrain. Sound good?”
Brock laughs. “I can’t wait, baby.”
I don’t know if Brock or Danny are the ones for me. So far, they’ve shown that they’re willing to put in the work. But are they willing to lay down everything for me? Are they willing to give me the love I need? I’m waiting for one of the guys to really prove that to me. I want to feel it. So far, Danny’s got a lead on him, but that could all change in a second.
When we actually get to the volcano, our horses are waiting for us. I wasn’t lying. It’s very hot outside, but I genuinely love to ride horses. “If a guy can prove to me he’s good with animals, he knows the way into my heart,” I tell them.
“You know,” Brock says, as he gets onto his saddle. “I had a horse when I was a kid.”
“Really?” I’m genuinely impressed. “Did you love him?”
“I loved him more than my parents,” he laughs. “In Arizona, there are trails everywhere. I can’t wait for you to see it. It’s very unreal.”
He’s confident in himself and I like that. And, unlike Danny, he hasn’t tried anything funny on me yet. Still, I keep my distance.
“I’d love to,” I say, getting my grip around the reins. The horse, however, is not letting up. He starts bucking and I have no idea what to do to get him to stop. “Whoa there!” I yell. Nothing.
“Here,” he says, “let me help you.” He jumps off his horse and walks up to mine. He simply puts his hand out and settles the horse down. Brock smiles at the horse and runs his hand across its giant muzzle. The horse actually licks his hand, and he just looks up at me.
“Mind if I get on?” he asks. Of course, I let him.
We ride the horse into the sunset, his hands around my waist. I look down and I feel something. I know it’s crazy. know there are a million cameras pointed at us right now. I still can’t help but wonder, is this the start of something?
Payton
If there’s one thing that’s true about me, it’s that I’m stubborn as hell. I won’t back down from any fight. Well, I’m in one hell of a desert and I have no idea where the missing soldier is. We’ve looked in every god damn city, town, and village in the last sixty miles.
It’s not looking good and it’s getting harder and harder to find any ounce of hope out here. I’ve come across children, some of them with guns, and started to see the devastation the wars has caused them.
“Have you seen this man?” I repeat the words in a foreign language over and over again. No one’s seen him. They all shake their hands wildly. “No.” The whole time, we’re shitting breaks, hoping we’ll make it out alive. There’s nothing scarier than being in a town of hidden enemies.
Civilians want us dead. We killed their uncle, or their best friend, or their school teacher. The thing they don’t tell us, is that everyone’s against us here. They want us out. And in this section of town, I feel like we’ve outstayed our welcome.
I glance at the photo again. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t written her. I think about her every second. I can’t help it. I know it was one night. But I can’t stop these heavy thoughts lately. I’ve realized that one night can change your life forever. Shit, it was in one hour that I signed up to come over here.
Every time I can, I give my letters to the mail carrier and hope to God that it makes it home. If I die out here, at least she’ll know. At least she’ll know I thought of her. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me going at this point. I lost count of the days at two and a half weeks. We’re living like fucking nomads.
I don’t blame anyone. Our commanders are extremely intelligent people. It’s just how things ended up being. Right now, I’m stuck with the task of meeting with the village elders. It’s me, Savage, and our commander. And when we arrive, the whole village is silent.
“Put your fingers on your trigger, boys,” Savage mumbles to himself.
“Why?” I ask him softly. We brought water and a lamb as gifts. We walk into the entrance and he just looks at me like I’m out of my mind.
“This area here is no man’s land,” he says. “There ain’t supposed to be anyone here. The intel we got on this place was that we shouldn’t fucking be here. I’d say this is a case of bad leadership.”
The commander, Mike Johnson, turns to us and puts his finger against his lips. “Savage, will you shut the fuck up? We’re trying to rescue one of our own. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Not if it means I get mowed down by a bunch of terrorists,” he whispers. “Count me out of that.”
Mike’s eyes look wildly around him. “We’re okay. Just stick to the plan,” he says. Looking at Savage, it’s hard to trust them. Hell, it’s hard to trust any of them, but I’m stuck here. I have to live with it.
I take Savage’s advice and rest my fingers on my automatic rifle. My breath is calm, but that could easily change at any second. An old man hobbles out of a desert house and he walks forward, hair as red as fire. He smiles at us and Mike attempts to speak to him with the little language he knows.
“Hello,” Mike says, more or less, “we come bearing gifts.”
“Give us your guns,” the elder says, eying Mike up and down. He’s frail and very, very old, but he
knows he holds a lot of power. Without him, we’re fucked. We have no shade, no energy, and we don’t have a reliable map. We need them, not only to find the soldier, but also to regroup and help us find our way.
“No,” Mike says. “We never give up our weapons.”
“If you want inside, you will give me your weapons. You will treat us with respect or we will let you die,” the elder says.
Savage just laughs. He turns to Mike and says, “Tell him this. Tell him we’ll kill them with these guns if they don’t comply. I’m too tired for this shit.”
The old man, however, starts laughing back. Only his laugh is frightening and harsh. All of a sudden, two younger sons come out and stand by his side.
“We love America,” one of them smiles at me. I can’t tell if they mean it or if they’re taunting me. My gut is telling me to get the hell out of there now. This place is a death sentence. It’s a trap. We weren’t meant to live through any of this. My heart feels like it is splitting open. I’m frozen with fear.
“Give us your guns,” the elder says to Mike again. Mike looks at both of us and I know what he’s about to ask me to do. He’s about to…
“Give him your guns,” Mike says to both of us. Savage grunts and turns his eye at him. “Come on. Give it to him. I don’t want to hear another word, you hear me? It’s our duty to get this soldier back.”
“How do we know they have him?” I ask him. “How can we trust intel?”
“Because you’re a god damn SEAL and that’s what we do,” Mike says, sternly clutching his rifle. “We trust our chain of command. Anything else, Payton?”
“No, sir.” I hand him my gun and step back, feeling the blood drain from my face. This is not my idea of a good day. I look down at the photo of Dakota Rogers and I remember to hold it in my memories as long as I can, because I’m not too sure I’ll ever see her again if this doesn’t turn out right.