by June Taylor
Karin felt her whole body collapse as Louie walked away. But then saw her spin round again, as if she had remembered something. Karin let out a gasp, seeing her return to their table. She tightened her fingers round her wrist in her lap, trying to make the moment end quickly.
‘Someone saw you drop this over by the toilets,’ said Louie, placing an earring in front of Karin. ‘Looks like one you really wouldn’t want to lose.’
10
Mel
A dog was barking outside. Mel rushed to the window, banging on it as loudly as she dared, fearing it might break if she did it too hard. Next door’s dog was squatting down in their poor overgrown excuse of a lawn and wasn’t taking a bit of notice. Even when the neighbour came to retrieve it, he wasn’t going to clean up its mess either, not until Mel banged on the window again. He put up his hand as if to say sorry, but probably wasn’t.
Mel slumped back into her chair and sighed. Not only was she fretting about Karin, she was also distracted by the number of adverts on her computer suggesting she should jet off somewhere, instead of sitting here on a Friday night in a shabby rented house, all alone except for some weird homeless man watching TV downstairs. Mel would like nothing more than to retire to some sunny part of the world. Who wouldn’t? But daydreaming was certainly not going to get her there and she needed to get back to work.
In the end she couldn’t resist sending a text to find out how Karin was getting on:
WELL? HAS HE POPPED THE QUESTION YET?
MEL XXX
It was late, nearly eleven, and she didn’t expect to hear back, slightly regretting now that she hadn’t followed up with another message sooner, but she didn’t want to get in the way and become a distraction. When the screen flashed up message sent, Mel imagined herself shooting off into the digital tangle along with it. She stood up again, this time to take in the view across the rooftops of Leeds.
She had moved to this city to make a fresh start when her mother eventually passed away. Glasgow had too many sad and difficult memories and she needed to figure out what to do next. Leeds seemed as good a place as any. Beyond the immediate streets was an ever-changing skyline, cranes dangling like gallows as more development took place. The darker area of woodland fought hard to retain its position between the bricks and concrete that were continually sprouting around it, but at least this city still had plenty of green space in which to breathe. Hyde Park was on their doorstep, with its fine trees and a vast expanse of grass to stroll along or sit on for an hour or two. It was the place Mel generally went to do her thinking.
She pictured the Friday night revelry going off in Headingley, students in fancy dress doing the Otley Run, tattooed white flesh bulging out of tight-fitting clothes, tumbling through sweaty bars and clubs. This whole era had passed her by and Mel couldn’t afford the more sophisticated scene that Leeds had to offer, even if she had anyone to share it with. In the far distance she could make out the silhouetted Lego-like blocks that had been put up quickly and cheaply during the boom time. Supposedly high-end offices and apartments but few could pay the inflated rents that went with them. A smile spread across Mel’s face when she thought of Karin’s naivety, once she had learned that many of these were still empty and had begun to badger Aaron into getting his contacts to consider them for the Room for a Night scheme. Aaron had let her down gently: Who would want to move into a prestigious office or apartment after a bunch of homeless people had been living there?
Karin’s youthful passion on this subject was probably the reason why the charity had taken her on in the first place: to convince people, with her limitless enthusiasm, that they should support and give generously to the cause. Perhaps she was a reminder of an idealism they had lost as they consumed more and more stuff. ‘Capitalism with a conscience is what we need to work towards,’ Karin would say to anyone who would listen. ‘There are so many of these buildings just doing nothing. Never been occupied since the day they were finished. It’s criminal to think of the hundreds of people with nowhere to live in our towns and cities when there’s all this empty space.’
She did have a point. But although Karin had lived on the streets, she still had much to learn about the real world. Mel thought Aaron might have grown weary of this by now, and she found herself questioning his motives again. Whether he truly loved Karin remained to be seen. Mel rapped her fingers on the desk, wondering if his plan was working: birthday treat, element of surprise.
Then her phone pinged.
K: YES HE PROPOSED!
M: AND?
K: I SAID YES. BUT HE’S BROUGHT US TO THE MIDLAND HOTEL WHERE I USED TO WORK. CAN’T BELIEVE IT. AND LOUIE IS HERE!!
M: OH GOD, NO! THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU NEED. STAY OUT OF HER WAY. YOU DON’T WANT ALL THAT STALKING TO START UP AGAIN.
K: I’M TRYING TO.
M: KEEP IN TOUCH. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF THERE.
Mel couldn’t quite believe Aaron’s mistake. Morecambe was the last place on earth he should have taken Karin to this weekend, or any weekend. She could have told him that, if only he had allowed her to advise him on that too. Why would Karin want to return to somewhere she used to work? That’s all she would have needed to say, without letting anything slip.
Despite encouraging her to be honest with Aaron on this matter, it was Karin’s big fear that Aaron’s ‘conventional thinking’ would not allow him to accept that she once had a girlfriend. It wasn’t just some lesbian dalliance from her youth either; they had been in a relationship and lived together for at least a couple of years.
Mel needed another glass of wine to help her think.
Later on in the evening, the TV was still blaring in the lounge. Mel could hear it through the door. But when she returned upstairs she noticed that the light was on in Karin’s room. Resting her glass on the banister, she crept the rest of the way.
A noise from inside Karin’s room stopped her from going any further. Mel reached for her mobile, tucked it into her pocket, just in case.
A figure appeared in the doorway.
‘Will. My god! What on earth are you doing in there? That’s not your room.’
He signed something back to her, but Mel had no idea what he was trying to say. He had in his hand some jewellery, belonging to Karin, and seemed to be implying that he had come across it on the landing. Walking his fingers towards Karin’s room possibly meant that he was intending to return it.
Mel met his stare. He dumped the jewellery into her hand, making her arm give way with the force, but she managed to keep hold of it. With a disapproving shake of her head, she moved Will to one side and marched into Karin’s room, placing the jewellery back on her bed.
Turned off the light and shut the door.
Will hadn’t moved, still out on the landing. He stared at Mel, long and hard, pushing past her to get to his own room and slammed the door in her face.
‘Will. Will,’ she shouted. ‘We should talk about this.’
But he couldn’t hear her, and it was pointless knocking. She left it a few seconds before turning the handle, opening his door just enough to make herself visible.
Will was in his usual position leaning against the radiator. His eyes, almost black, penetrated hers. Mel would have thought them beautiful, if they weren’t so unnerving. He began to pull on greasy lengths of hair either side of his face, moving on to his beard.
‘Will.’
She realized he couldn’t lip-read from where she was standing and went in a bit further, as near as she dared, exaggerating her words as she tried again. ‘I think we need another little chat, Will. Don’t you?’
She waited. Nothing came back.
‘I need to remind you that this is our home and you have to respect that.’
After a few moments he began to sign something. Angrily. Fingers slapping together, arms flapping. His facial expression never altered.
‘Look, I have no idea what you’re saying to me,’ said Mel, ‘and it doesn’t sound very pleasant. Are you ab
le to write it down? We might understand each other better that way.’ Mel pretended to scribble something in the air, but Will shook his head. She had asked him to do this before and he always refused.
She decided to take a different approach. Pushing his books to one side, she sat on the floor, an attempt to make this less confrontational. She just had to hope that he wouldn’t lash out. ‘Look, Will, I take it that you do still want this chance Karin is giving you? It’d be such a waste if you mess up now, after all the hard work you’re putting in. Don’t you agree?’
Silence.
‘So have you anything more to say, or do we understand one another?’
He stood up, towering over her.
11
Louie
Louie was waiting for her moment to come again, watching their table discreetly in between preparing drinks orders at the bar. Karin looked sensational in that dress. How easily it had slipped off. Louie observed her pushing food around her plate. Occasionally a miniscule forkful would end up in her mouth as she smiled at the old fart she had just agreed to marry.
As soon as the waitress began clearing away their plates, Louie was ready to make her move. She held off for a few more moments until they were handed the dessert menus. On her approach, armed with a carafe of water, the old fart took hold of Karin’s hand across the table.
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Louie, placing the carafe between them with a thud, forcing them apart. ‘I don’t mean to interrupt, but I think I recognize you now. You used to work here, right? Left about a year or so ago, maybe. Was it?’
‘Yes,’ Karin replied, snapping the menu shut, her face turning pale. ‘That’s right.’
Louie registered the anxious smile that Karin gave to the old fart, and then she continued. ‘Is it erm, Karin? Karin—?’ She genuinely did wonder what Karin would be calling herself these days, doubting very much that she would have gone back to using Svendsen because of the association with her mother.
‘It’s Rhodes,’ she replied. There was a strain in her voice.
‘Of course,’ said Louie.
At least that was something then. So this man, who had blatantly just proposed to her girlfriend, probably didn’t know who Karin’s mother was. But did he know the significance of her twenty-second birthday?
Karin began twisting her newly acquired ring round her finger. ‘Maybe I do remember you. Vaguely,’ she said. ‘Oh erm. This is Aaron. My fiancé.’ She might as well have fired the words out of a gun. Likewise when she said, ‘Aaron, this is – I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.’
‘Louie. Some people call me Lou.’
Aaron offered his hand. Louie shook it, even though it disgusted her.
Then, pointing an accusing finger at Karin, as if the thought had only just occurred to her, Louie said: ‘You once caught me sketching seahorses when I was meant to be working, didn’t you? And promised you wouldn’t tell.’
‘What?’ said Karin, laughing to cover up her discomfort. ‘Oh. Yes, I do remember that.’
Louie hoped the memory was digging into her heart, picturing Louie with her sketchpad and pencil. Karin would be recalling how much she loved her then, how perfect they were together and how much she still loved her now. But to give Karin some time for these things to sink in, Louie turned her attention to Aaron, giving him the tourist spiel about the two Eric Gill seahorses carved into the exterior of the hotel, plus the other forty-seven that had been added to the interior. ‘Have a look in the shower grate in your room,’ she added, ‘before you put the anti-slip mat down. Even young people find it a bit slippery in there.’
‘I certainly will,’ said Aaron, not taking issue with her last comment. He leant in to Karin and kissed her hand. ‘So. Did you tell?’
Karin swallowed, her cheeks as red as her hair. ‘No. I would never do that.’ She looked up at Louie, dabbing her mouth with her napkin. All of a sudden, she fired back her chair and stood up. ‘Sorry. I really need to go to the Ladies again.’
Louie watched her go. ‘Is she okay, do you think?’
‘She’ll be fine. Her stomach’s playing up.’
‘Shouldn’t you go after her?’
‘I can hardly follow her into the Ladies, can I?’ Aaron took a large gulp of wine, holding it in his mouth before swallowing, fixing his gaze on Louie. ‘So, are you an artist?’
‘Of sorts, yes.’
‘Are you any good?’
‘Not for me to say really.’
‘I’m always on the lookout for artwork.’
Louie lifted up her apron and fumbled about in her back pocket. ‘Not sure where you’re based, but if it’s anywhere near Leeds, I have a show on next Thursday. Here’s a flyer.’ She managed to retrieve one and handed it over. ‘It’s a pretty small exhibition.’
‘Hm,’ said Aaron. ‘We live in Leeds.’
‘Really?’
Louie’s professionalism deserted her at that point. She had to sit down. Aaron poured her a glass of water, but she didn’t drink it. He thought she wanted to discuss art.
So near? Had Karin been in Leeds all this time? A short hop over the Pennines, less than two hours away by car. How could she be that cruel? Karin told her she had gone to the States.
12
Karin
Karin stepped out of the shower and reached for the towel. She had been desperate to wash away Louie, but the cleansing process hadn’t worked. Could still feel her touch on her skin, still feel her fingers inside her. No amount of soaping and scrubbing was going to erase that. She dried herself and put on the bathrobe, not quite ready to go out there yet. Sitting on the side of the bath, she wondered if she could ever face Aaron again. She deeply regretted her actions. To some degree, was still in shock.
It had all happened so fast.
The only reason she had chosen to come to Morecambe in the first instance was because it was her dad’s birthplace. For that reason alone, it had been perfect; she had to take her own life somewhere. It was Louie who had found her on the beach, sinking deeper into her cold, muddy grave. The sea nearly claimed them both that night, spreading its watery tentacles around them, shutting off any means of escape.
Karin hadn’t wanted to die. Not really. She just didn’t think she deserved a future.
There was no doubt that Louie had brought her back to life in every possible way. She managed to get her a job at The Midland and they found a place together, a cosy bedsit off Albert Road. Gradually Karin discovered a happiness she didn’t think possible for herself, and their shared sense of recklessness was like a drug. Karin also loved the fact that Louie was an artist, embracing all the quirks and peculiarities that came with that, and she would sit for her whenever she asked.
Louie had opened her eyes, her mind, made Karin look at things and really see them. But there was a need, a dependency, which wasn’t healthy. Karin realized too late what was happening. No one was allowed into their world. The possessiveness became suffocating and isolating, and Karin was losing all sense of herself.
The way she handled the break-up was not something she was proud of. The lie that she had found a job in the States seemed as cruel then as it did now. She had simply handed in her notice at the hotel and vanished. At the time, this was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. Close the door on Louie quickly, limit the pain and break the connection. Louie would never accept it was over otherwise.
Karin shuddered, pulling the bathrobe around herself. She couldn’t hide in here all night. When she finally emerged, Aaron was lying on his front on the bed, scrolling down his phone. He threw it to one side and shuffled over to make some room, leaning on one elbow. He had been kind enough not to ask her a single difficult question over dinner and Karin was grateful for that because he must have had plenty buzzing round his head. Her behaviour had been strange from the moment they pulled into the car park.
This was meant to be a happy occasion, yet there had been no more talk of a wedding since his proposal. When she hadn’t returned to
the table, Aaron had had to come up to the room to find her.
Poor Aaron. She had ruined their perfect moment.
‘Is that better?’ he asked, pulling Karin into him.
She nodded, feeling safe again in his arms. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
‘For what?’ Aaron laughed, kissing her neck. ‘Asking you to be my wife?’
‘Well yes. And all this, I don’t deserve it.’
He pulled away and sat up. ‘You having second thoughts already?’
‘No. Anything but. I swear.’
As that squalid act with Louie was working its way out of her body, Karin was even more convinced about her feelings for Aaron. No one else. She didn’t want anyone else.
‘Have you changed your mind though?’ she asked, tentatively.
Aaron pulled the bathrobe down over her shoulders and moved his body into hers. She really didn’t want to do this right now, it was too close to the time with Louie, but she owed it to Aaron as proof of her commitment. She loved him too much to allow Louie to destroy their future together. But she couldn’t deny that she was scared. She had escaped from Louie once. Now it seemed she might have to do it all over again.
Karin felt her body going through the motions while her mind raked over the broken fragments of her past: conversations, accusations, Louie, her mother, father, so-called stepfather. And before she could do anything about it, an icy blast of pain shot through her head and she knew what was coming next.
Birgitta’s screams. Legs swinging side to side. A human pendulum. The sound of the rope grating against the beam, the smell of sweat hanging in the air.
The steps lying on their side.
Karin tried tossing pebbles into the sea one by one in her mind but as fast as she threw them they came right back, refusing to disappear. She just wanted tonight to be over as soon as possible. Her cries and moans sounded like a convincing orgasm, despite where they really came from.