by Imani King
I'm supposed to be getting some sleep, but all this feels too good to waste by sleeping. Right now, as I wait for (the hopefully good) news about my dad, to have Nicholas' companionship and his loving feels like more than I could ever dream of, much less ask for. And it’s all infinitely better than what I would have done otherwise - compulsively cleaning the house, or birthday shopping online, or whatever it might be to try to while away the hours without worrying.
When I get in the shower, Nicholas is close behind. I don't know if I'll be able to handle seeing him in there with soap dripping all over his muscles, his strong, muscular arms held over his head as he washes his hair, without taking him again. It's almost too much pleasure to be with this man.
We giggle and laugh in the shower, and as I predicted his body looks delectable with the suds swirling over him. He opens one eye under the covering of shampoo and says, "What are you looking at, girl?"
"A damn fine man," I answer, and trail a finger down his chest…and if I were a betting woman, I would say he was blushing.
"Why thank you ma'am," he returns, tipping an imaginary cowboy hat before grabbing my hand and kissing it.
"You weren't kidding when you said you were from Texas, were you?"
"No ma'am, I was plumb serious."
We switch places and he rinses. I like this Texan Nicholas. This version of him seems so much more real, more earthy -- and what’s more, infinitely more happy and light-hearted than the guy in the office. Of course it might just be because the man just got laid, but still - I wonder if he wouldn't be happier there? In Texas I mean? I watch his body as I soap up. I’ve never been with a man so physically beautiful. He looks like an underwear model or something. Except without the underwear. Lucky for me.
"Do you ever miss it?" I say as we crank the shower faucet to off and step out to towel dry.
"Texas?" He runs his hand through his hair and squints at me. "Nah, not really. But I go back every now and then to see the folks, and some or all my brothers. Whoever’s around."
"That's nice that you have a big family." I smooth some coconut oil on my skin and then wrap the soft terry cloth around my body.
"Sure," he says, and then pulls me to him. "I would love to make it even bigger some day," he smiles at me and looks into my eyes, "if I find the right girl..." The way he looks at me tells me exactly who he thinks that might be.
"And if you treat her right," I volley, "It'll probably happen!" With him so close to me and both of us just in towels makes the potential of more a whole lot sooner than either of us can handle, I figure, since that was my last condom. So, I kiss him on the cheek and then pull away. This relationship may be moving fast, but it doesn’t have to move that fast.
We grin at each other like stupid little kids and then pull on our clothes to go for breakfast burritos. My troubles aren't forgotten, exactly - but I know that there's something more than pain to focus on for once - I don't have to be the one keeping everything together. I can be the one who has a great morning with an amazing man and delicious breakfast date. I can be the one who is living her dreams for once.
So far, this may not be exactly how I thought it would be with Nicholas, but somehow I feel like it might be even better.
* * *
Around noon, sated and happy from the coffee and burrito, I finally get the call from the hospital, saying that my father is awake, alert, and ready to have immediate family visitors. Nicholas and I are still hanging out, but he offers to drop me off at the door of the hospital, as he says he doesn’t want to intrude. He tells me he’ll have his car service pick me up when I am ready to leave, and then he takes my keys to get my car fixed. I can't fathom anyone being more caring or more helpful at this point, at the time when I really need someone.
I'm truly blown away.
His kiss when we pull up to the hospital doors is tender, sweet, and short. "I don't want to embarrass you," he says as he pulls away, his fingertips still at my cheek. “But I could kiss you forever.”
"I feel the same way. And besides, nothing you could do could embarrass me, I imagine." I'm still trembling a little. Probably from lack of sleep, the vertigo of his kisses, and the newness of everything.
"OK, well, Raymond, my driver, will be here to wait for you in an hour. That doesn’t mean you have to leave then. He’s used to waiting so take all the time you need to visit with your father and then get where you need to go. I'll figure out what's required for your car, and if the repair is going to take a lot of time or the vehicle is completely unsalvageable, I'll find a company car for you until you figure out another solution. How does that sound?"
"It sounds amazing," I breathe. "How did I get so lucky to have you here?"
"You know, that's funny, because I feel like I’m most definitely the lucky one." In anyone else's mouth, those words might sound cheesy, but maybe it's because his eyes are so open and honest, so undefended, that I can believe him wholeheartedly. He's a strong man, this Nicholas. He's not afraid of putting himself out there.
14
Nicholas
I don't know what's happened to me with this girl.
After the near-misery I endured with Stephanie, my ex-wife, to have these strong feelings for Adisa so suddenly and so naturally, I can’t help but be a little concerned. I hope it's not just some sort of rebound, but if I’m honest with myself it doesn’t feel like it. It feels natural and important, almost like I had to endure what I went through with Stephanie to realize what I have with Adisa. Not that I wouldn’t have always noticed her and been attracted — she’s not a woman that you just overlook — I just can see her specialness in such strong relief now that I am free of Stephanie’s specter, her influence, her presence.
Of course, in some ways the relationship is a rebound. I am rebounding against the fact that Stephanie never wanted kids, never wanted a family, and wasn’t upfront about it. Clearly, the most important thing in Adisa's life is her family - she shows that by everything she does. And not just when things are good either. She is stepping up when it’s hard, when things are not settled, when she could be concentrating on what she wants and letting her family, fend for themselves. Despite the Corbett fame, or money, or whatever it is, Adisa’s attitude when times get tough makes me feel that the real honor would be if I could be part of her family... and if we could create a new family, of our own, then all my dreams really would be coming true.
But don't fool yourself, Nicholas - it's not just for family reasons that you like her, says my twin's voice in my mind. She is a fine piece of woman and you are incredibly lucky to be able to even put your arms around her. And she thinks she's lucky to have you, a danged rancher from Texas, a divorced man with a failed marriage, a lonely guy with a big house in the middle of nowhere.
I gotta call my mechanic about that piece of rust car she's driving. I think we have some decent cars in the 'stable' at work, for company business and for clients who come in. Stable. Reminds me of the ranch again. Why am I thinking of it so much today?
The clean smell of the freshly mucked-out barn, the feeling of complete and utter freedom when you're riding alone across a stretch of golden land...the camaraderie of my parent's home, their easy relationship, the love that didn't always get spoken but was always as strong as the bedrock under our feet. That's what I miss, I guess. That last part. That's what I was hoping to build when I married, when I worked so hard to try to get a strong foundation for Stephanie and I. But maybe that was it. I worked so hard to create the financial conditions for security, and I gave up what made our relationship in the first place.
I can't do that with Adisa.
Thing is, I do have enough money as it turns out. I probably always did, if you strip away the luxury.
Because money and possessions mean nothing if what you really want is love.
Love is time spent, love is being there. Love is rolling around in the bed sheets, admiring your partner. Love is cooking her eggs just the way she likes them, and burning the to
ast a little if she prefers it that way.
Love is staying at the hospital all night, hoping that the person you care about is going to be ok. Love is taking care of your family when they need you.
I want to be that person for Adisa. But can I? Will she let me? Does she feel about me the way that I feel about her? I hope so. I can feel something important in her kisses. It's not just something physical with her, it's more than that. The way she clutched me in her bed, the way I hold her, and she responds to my touch, that's not something that a person can fake, or something one can imagine.
It's real. It may only be the beginning but it's real. And that's what is important to me. That’s what I never had with my ex, no matter how much we tried. When it came down to it, everything was about her. Her life, her work, her pleasure, her body, her orgasm, herself. And no matter what I did, I couldn't change that.
The only person who can change something like that is the person who is doing it.
And the sad truth is that Steph was never interested in changing for her own happiness, for me or for anyone. And I finally have to admit to myself that you can't change another person because you love them. A person can change because they love you, I read that the other day. Or something like it. But Stephanie and I never had that kind of relationship. I wonder, did she want me on her arm just like she wanted the that crazy ten thousand dollar Birkin bag I gave her for her birthday? Was I some kind of accessory to her lifestyle? Insignificant? Interchangeable?
The most beautiful thing about being with Adisa is that I don't even want her to change one thing - not a hair on her head. All I want to do is make things a little easier for her. Or more accurately, a lot easier for her. Because she shouldn't have to be always helping others. If she chooses to that's one thing, but she shouldn't have to. She shouldn't always have the weight of her family on her thin shoulders - mostly just the pleasure of being part of her beautiful family. And then she can stretch her wings and become what she wants to be knowing that they have that support under their feet, and she does as well.
I wonder if she will let me?
15
Adisa
"So your father has improved tremendously over the last few hours," the kindly nurse tells me. "It was no walk in the park, as it’s never an easy operation, but we’re happy to report that it went without incident and now he’s awake and responsive. He just needs to see your smiling face right about now." She smiles at me, and I feel a bit like crying.
"How long before he can come home?"
"It'll be at least a few days, depending on how his recovery progresses." She looks down at his chart. "We'll do everything we can for him until that time comes of course, and we'll keep you informed every step of the way."
"I appreciate it." I let out the deep sigh that I didn't know I was holding in. "You're so kind." The waiting room, that felt so bleak overnight with it’s green walls and cheap artwork suddenly feels warmer, kinder, easier. I reach back behind my head and rub the tension out of my neck. Then I look up.
Her eyes crinkle. "It's my job," she says matter-of-factly. "And I do it because I love it."
"That's amazing, and I appreciate it," I say.
"Let's go see him now," she says as she takes my arm and leads me to the ICU.
We go through the heavy double doors and I am a bit shocked to see how small and ashen he looks in the bed. But his eyes are open, so I know that he's conscious. The nurse gestures toward a chair near his bed, checks his chart once more, and says, "Let us know if you need anything."
"Will do." At the sound of my voice my father turns toward me.
"Hello baby," he says, his own voice quieter than I hoped. Weaker. I grab his hand.
"How are you feeling papa?" I ask him, trying not to sound too worried.
He tries to smile and sit up a little, but with the machines attached to him it’s difficult. The various sounds of beeping and whooshing of the ICU also punctuate our conversation. "Oh you know, I'm strong like a bull."
"I know daddy." He always used to say he was strong like a bull when I was little so I know he's sending me a message and am comforted on some deep level. In some way the world feels a little more right again. He's the daddy and I'm the child, not the other way around like it’s been seeming lately. "I'm so glad you're all right."
"Absolutely," he says gruffly as he presses the morphine drip. "Just in a little pain, but I know I'm on the upswing now. On an upswing!" He gives my hand the tiniest of squeezes and I know he's telling the truth. Love swells up in my heart, and for some reason I picture Nicholas. I guess it's because of the warm feeling that was burning in my chest when we were together just this morning. "So,"my dad continues, "are you going to be ok for the next few days if I am in the hospital, you know with the kids and such?"
"Of course daddy." I'm surprised that he thinks that his presence was so helpful when he was withdrawing and laid up in bed. I guess it was, in a way. even though we were able to manage pretty well. It made the place feel a bit more inhabited - gave some semblance of normalcy. If he's not there it might be a bit harder on the little ones. Speaking of them, I do have to remember that I need to try to keep everything as normal as possible for them.
"Because there’s something I wanted to let you know," he murmurs. His voice is getting quieter, weaker. "There is a little money over the shelf in the bedroom closet. If something happens, and you get in any trouble, you’re the only one besides myself who knows it's there. It's not a whole lot, but it will tide you over for a few months in a pinch."
"Don't say that daddy, everything is going to be fine, and you'll be out of here lickety split and can go back to work." I have to look down at my hands as I say this.
"I hope so." He coughs lightly and winces from the pain, and reaches for the button to drip a little of the morphine into his system. But it's too soon for another dose, and as a result it won't dispense. His eyes close.
"Are you sure you’re all right, daddy?" I ask, looking around for the nurse but she's not in sight. The call button is right there though, and I'll push it if things get bad. “I can find you a nurse. Tell me what I can do!”
"I just need a little rest," he whispers. And his eyes close. With that, I feel a little panic rising in my chest again, and I wonder if what I just told him is true. Will he get better, and things go back to normal?
What is normal, anymore, anyhow?
And if they don’t get back to normal, will I be able to keep my job at the restaurant? I called them before I came up to this floor, and they seemed understanding. But there's only so long they can go without a reliable waitress. I don't want to dip into dad's emergency fund in any kind of hurry, but it's good to know there's at least a little something there if I need it. It'll probably be some time before he can return to work, if he ever can, if he recovers.
"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep," I say softly. It’s the only thing I can do.
But all this worry is too much to handle. Right now, I just want us to focus on one thing, and that's his health. "You're going to pull through this, daddy," I whisper, and gently squeeze his hand. “One day at a time.” He doesn't squeeze back this time, so I figure he's probably sleeping. Then I hear him.
"Millie," he murmurs in a sleepy tone. That's my mom's name. "Millie, I love you," he says. Tears fill my eyes. Does he think I'm her? I try to feel as if she is there with us too, watching over us. But it's hard because at my weakest moments, I already feel a bit abandoned by her. Can I ever fill her shoes in my own family, be as strong as the woman she was? I don't know. I can't know. I can just keep taking things one day at a time, and I’m doing my best.
My breath feels ragged, and as I try to calm down, I count my breathing — it’s a little trick I’ve used. Breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. After a little time, it starts to work and the shock of panic begins to subside, at least for the time being.
Leaning back on my chair, I glance at my phone. Thank heaven Nicho
las offered to sort out my car. It's possibly the kindest thing anyone's ever done for me. If I had to take care of everything myself, I wouldn’t be able to spend this time comforting my dad, and, just as importantly, having him comfort me. I don't know what I'd do without Nicholas, already - and we've only just become close. I close my eyes. It's been a rough night, and a stress-filled morning, as wonderful as it was.
I do hope things work out with Nicholas. I would love it if something, one thing, were to work out well in my life right about now. Having someone just on my side makes things just that much easier. And that that someone is beautiful, smart and successful, caring about me makes it that much better.
I lean my head down on my hand and before long I find myself dreaming a little, half awake. His lips, the little bow shape on the top edge, and his eyes, stormy blue. The drawl that slips into his voice as he relaxes. Nicholas. Are you falling in love with me? Am I with you?
And with that I drift off to sleep, forgetting about the morning, the slight soreness in my shoulders, the worry about my brother and sister, until I hear the faint bell of a text message coming through.
Glancing at my phone I see it's already time for my brother and sister to be picked up, and luckily my neighbor just texted me that she is taking care of it. I didn't mean to doze this long, but I guess I have to admit that I am exhausted and I can't expect to just go and go and go without much rest.
But there's another message too.
This one from Nicholas.
"I have your car in the shop," it reads. "They'll let me know what it needs, and I'll keep you posted. In the meantime I have a company car that you can use. It's parked outside your house. Keys inside your mailbox. My driver is set to pick you up from the hospital and take you home when you're ready. Just text him."
How can anyone be this perfect? I wonder. He is so different from Jamal. But Jamal seemed a good man at first too, until he started to show his true colors. Would a relationship with this man be that way too, a nearly perfect honeymoon period but then the real person starts to slip through the cracks? Warts and all?