Disconnected

by Lisa M. Cronkhite

  ***

  2:03 a.m. and I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep since the nightmare. I wonder if I should get out of bed and do something instead of staring into the nothingness. Yes, get up, Milly. Get up and look through those boxes.

  Amelia’s urging ways get me out of bed and back to the closet again. Jinks gets up too, stretches, and follows me to the closet door. I creep inside, turn on the light and take a seat on the cold hardwood floor.

  I reach into the box and pull out an old baseball cap. I imagine it’s my father’s, but when I turn it over, the initials K.N. are scribbled on the inside tag. That doesn’t ring a bell, so I set the hat aside and continue rummaging through the box. There’s an old wooden jewelry box and when I open it, the name Violet is etched inside the lid. I put it down to keep searching through the box. I flip through the stack of pictures and papers. I come across a photo of my mother when she was young, standing with Grandpa George. The picture is in black and white and you can tell it’s older than the hills. Most of the pictures are. There are more of my mom, mostly alone, sitting there playing near the ocean where they used to vacation years and years ago. Then I stumble on a picture of Aunt Rachel and my mother together. Aunt Rachel is tall and skinny and looks about sixteen or seventeen. Even though they were only four years apart, my mother looks much younger. I look closer. Is that even her?

  As I thumb through the pictures, I notice how sad Aunt Rachel looks in every one. There’s not one that shows her smiling. I wonder what was bothering her so. Then something catches my eye. As I get to the colored photos, I find one of Aunt Rachel and my mom standing in a garden. It looks awfully similar to the garden on the other side of the pond. In the background I see a girl with bare feet and bluish-flecks in her black hair. Milly, it’s her, Amelia whispers. It’s the girl we’ve been seeing. Amelia controls my hand and grabs it from the stack.

  I examine it a little closer, but the girl’s face is turned away from the camera.

  I put the picture aside. Jinks continues to slither through my arms as I sit there cross-legged. I dig deeper.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Today is my eighteenth birthday. But it’s just another normal day since not a soul remembered. I wasn’t upset that Aunt Rachel forgot. But it did hurt that my grandfather didn’t say anything.

  I try to wipe that from my mind and concentrate on school work. Though Amelia won’t let me with all the chattering she’s doing in my mind. She still can’t get over the journal thing and how I lost it. I looked in my locker when I first got to school, but nothing. It’s just disappeared.

  As I head to seventh period, the last class of the day, I run into Matt. Amelia’s drooling at him as she watches him through my eyes, but I try to look away. But once I get inside the classroom, he stops me.

  “So Milly, you coming to my party tonight?” He looks at me like he’s ready to laugh. I am totally caught off guard, since this is the first time we ever talked to each other directly. Why does he even care if I go?

  “Yeah, I guess, why do you ask?” I blurt out, not even thinking before I speak. I realize Amelia’s in control of the conversation so I take a backseat. She is being coy and pretending, or at least trying, to flirt in some way to grab his attention. Right now, she seems to have it.

  “Well, I just thought I’d ask since I haven’t really talked to you about it. There are a few other people, too, I need to ask.” He’s standing close to me in the doorway and the other students are squeezing passed us. Why we’re standing right in the entryway is beyond me.

  But it doesn’t matter where we stand; I can feel Amelia bubbling inside me, ready to pop out with something brainless: “You mean the whole world doesn’t know already? Ha! Come on Matt, please. Everyone knows about it, and yes, I’m going—with Beth. I’m excited. Glad I could come.”

  I am seething at this point. How can Amelia babble out such stupidity? Why isn’t she wondering why he wants her to go? I mean, come on, why all of a sudden? If you ask me, I think it’s a scam to make fun of the loser girl—a prank for the party.

  The fakeness continues as he says, “Great, then I’ll see you there?”

  “Oh, definitely.” Oh, please…what a joke.

  We take our seats as I mindlessly listen to Amelia. See, Milly? He does like me. He’s interested, don’t blow it. You know how important this is to me.

  I try to blow off Amelia’s rambling, but deep down inside I can’t believe this is actually happening. Why would a guy like Matt, who’s on the hockey team and is super popular, care whether or not poor old Milly is going? Give me a break; Amelia couldn’t have made this happen. God, I remember all the months of suffering from her delusional lies. Like I slept with this one and that one and whoever else, for that matter. Oh wait, now I get it. He thinks I’m a sure thing or something. I bet the only reason he wants me to go is to get in my pants. Great. This is going to be fun.

  ***

  As I get ready for the party, I look outside and around the premises just about every five minutes. I want to see if Blake’s working today, but I guess not.

  While glancing through the window, I notice the gate to the walled garden is open and something’s ruffling in the bushes just beyond it.

  I have this sudden urge to go out and see why the gate is open. Maybe Blake is there.

  I walk passed Grandpa George’s bedroom. The door’s open halfway. He’s napping, so I walk as softly as I can, to not disturb him. I creep downstairs and around back, then walk briskly across the yard.

  I look around, and through the open gate I see someone sitting near the fountain in the garden. Is it the mysterious girl? I creep in closer. No, this is someone older, dressed all in white. Long chestnut hair flutters in the sunlit breeze. She’s got her head bowed to the ground, sniffling and mumbling to herself. Suddenly she looks up—not at me but at the sky.

  It’s Aunt Rachel. I barely recognize her with her hair down like that and her sheer dress clinging to her slender body. I hadn’t realized how beautiful she really is. Why is she dressed like this? Is she waiting for someone? A lover, perhaps?

  I keep hidden behind a large oak tree so she doesn’t see me.

  She’s mumbling something. “I miss you!” she sobs. Taking in deep sniffling breaths, she tries to calm herself by skimming the shallow fountain, rhythmically circling her fingers in the water over and over and over again. I’m shocked to see this. This is a completely different and vulnerable side of her; it’s mesmerizing. I can’t think of anything that’s significant today except that it’s my birthday. Why would she be here like this today of all days?

  “I’m so sorry!” she wails.

  I’m spellbound. I don’t know whether to keep watching or go to her. I want to hold her, embrace her as she cries. Perhaps even cry together. I feel so connected with her right now. I shift my feet, accidentally stepping onto a couple of branches.

  Aunt Rachel looks up, scanning the garden perimeter. I’m afraid she might see me. I figure it’s time to go back to the house. Amelia reminds me of the Matt party again. I need to finish getting ready for the party.

  I creep away unnoticed and jog across the yard and into the house. I turn around, glancing at the gate to the garden, and wonder who Aunt Rachel was talking about.

  ***

  I finish applying makeup and check myself in the mirror. Amelia, on the other side, looks satisfied to the point that she says nothing, but gives a half a smile. I’m glad she’s quiet and ready, because I am only doing this for her.

  Jinks paws at the desk in my room and acts like he wants to get inside one of the drawers, so I go over to open it for him. To my surprise, I find my journal.

  “Wow, Jinks! You found it.” I pick it up and thumb through it. Everything looks intact. No ripped-up pages, nothing missing or out of place. It isn’t until I get to the last few pages that I see something pink sticking out. When I open it to the page, out falls a pink magnolia petal. But who put it there? And how did it get back in my desk drawe
r?

  Then for some odd reason I think of Aunt Rachel and her diary and how I took it from the library. I run to the bed and lift up the mattress, where I hid it last, and see it’s still there waiting to be read again. Maybe Aunt Rachel found my journal? Maybe she cleaned my room to try to look for her diary. Who knows? Milly, you’re losing it again. Just get ready for the party and we’ll worry about this later.

  I can tell Amelia’s anxious to go and doesn’t care much about what’s happening. She makes my heart flutter in my chest. “All right, all right. We’ll just have to figure this out later,” I say out loud to her.

  I hear Beth pull up in the front and wave to her from the upstairs window, pointing one finger to hold on. I then grab my coat, look in the mirror above my dresser one last time—seeing Amelia’s excitement—and head downstairs. I will never forgive you if you ruin this for me, Milly. Just forget about all this crap and concentrate on having a good time.

  As I walk outside and up to Beth’s car, I wonder for a moment—maybe Amelia’s right. Maybe I should just try to relax and forget about all this weird stuff that’s been happening.

  “Hey, you look so good, Mill. Come on, hop in,” Beth says as I slide myself in the passenger side and close the door.

  “You do too, Beth,” I say to her as she turns around the loopy corner and drives down the graveled path to the security gate.

  I wonder why the gates are open and ask her, “So who buzzed you in?”

  “Oh, some gardener kid had the gates open. He asked me who I was so I said I was a friend of yours and he let me in right away. Hey, he’s kinda cute in a mysterious kinda way.”

  “His name is Blake.”

  “Oh, so you know him, Mill? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Oh, cause he’s really not worth mentioning.” I feel a blushing in my cheeks and turn my head to the window and away from her. “Yeah, he’s just the groundskeeper.” But inside I want to scream out some Oh-my-God-isn’t-he-so-hot? kind of thing, but I don’t.

  “Oh, whatever, then. So are you ready for this party? I heard Matt asked you about it earlier today. God, Mill, you’d think something like that would be heard directly through my best friend and not Jenny Stevens.”

  “Umm well, it was right before my last class and I didn’t see you after school so I figured I would tell you later. Sorry you hada hear it through Jenny Blabber Mouth. God, does she ever stop talking about everyone else but herself? I mean, all she is is rumorville.”

  “Yeah, well, what do you expect when you don’t have a life?”

  Beth and I continue to chat about who’s gonna be there and what’s supposedly going to happen. She asks me if she can have a few drinks and wants me to drive her parents’ car back to my house if she does. She mentions about a sleepover. In my mind I’m thinking, why does she have to feel like she’s gotta drink? She knows I’m not going to. But she also knows I don’t like to drive, even though I got my license last year. Milly, what did I tell you? Don’t screw this up, if she wants to drink and sleep over at your place, just let her.

  Amelia pumps me up about having this all covered, the driving and everything else, and since I’m too tired to argue with her, I decide with a nod of agreement.

  “I guess,” I mumble back to Beth. “But you better be ready when I wanna go home, okay?”

  “Got it.”

  Even though I agree, I have a feeling something is going to go wrong. What if this isn’t really a good idea? Luckily, I have my cell phone again, so I can call if I needed a ride.

  As if on cue, my phone starts buzzing. Startled, I wait to see what number pops up. It’s the same number that’s been calling from before.

  Yet I am too nervous to take the call and instead bypass it. After a few seconds, I see the little voice mail symbol pops up. Whoever it is, they left a message.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Beth is quiet as we drive down Cicero Avenue. I’m wondering what she has in mind, yet I don’t ask. I kinda like the peace for a while. Though my mind begins to wander too.

  You should just call him and ask, Milly. What would it hurt? Ya know? Amelia says in response to my obsessive thoughts over the journal, wondering if Blake might have had it. If so, he must have read every inch of it. I stop that and ponder on what Amelia is saying about just asking him. It’s the first good idea she’s had in a long time and she sounds genuinely concerned for the both of us at this point. Maybe she’s worried about getting locked up in a psych ward over it.

  I make it a point to conjure up the guts to call him later. Well, maybe; we’ll see how the night goes.

  More quiet time has elapsed between Beth and me. Then she breaks the twenty-minute silence.

  “Hey, mind if I stop to get something at the store real fast?”

  “Yeah, what is it?”

  “Oh, you’ll see,” she laughs as she pulls into the Walgreens parking lot. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” She unbuckles her seatbelt and slides out.

  “Okay, but hurry up.”

  As she runs inside, I sit back, hoping to relax, but it feels like there’s ants crawling in my veins right now that I just can’t seem to shake out of me.

  I watch a group of people walking across the street to the McDonald’s nearby and notice one of them has bluish-black hair. My heart races like a buzzing alarm clock and it’s hard to settle it down. I see her in the window of a store. Wait—is she behind the glass or in front? She looks 3-D-ish, as if she’s standing in the glass.

  I look to see if Beth’s coming, but not yet. I turn my head again and see a shadow standing against my door. Dear God! She’s right there!

  No, no! I am not seeing this. Just close your eyes, Milly. Close your eyes tight! Amelia’s scared too, I can feel it. Instantly I squeeze my eyes shut and then open them again.

  “Are you gonna sleep or open the door for me?” Beth says. Thank God!

  I unlock the door and Beth sits in the driver’s seat with a small plastic bag in her hand. She then starts the engine up.

  “So what did you get?”

  She unravels the bag and takes it out.

  “What the hell, Beth!”

  “Come on, Mill. I’m eighteen already. It’s not like I never had sex before,” she says with a grimace. “Hey, who knows, maybe you’ll need one too.”

  She stuffs the packet of condoms in her purse and peels out of the parking lot and back onto Cicero Ave.

  Man, what have I gotten myself into? I’m so disappointed in Beth. Why does she feel the need to spread her legs just to get a guy?

  ***

  We pull up just across the street since there’s really nowhere else to park. The night is cool and breezy, I’m guessing about sixty-some degrees. Spring is in full swing, with the maple buds peppering the strong branches and flowers blooming on people’s front yards.

  Matt’s house is huge and it takes us a while to even get on the premises. Rainbow-colored tulips line up along the side of the driveway. The pavement is made with a small cobblestone pattern. Looks like something from the 1800s. And the landscaping has got to be professionally done, like Aunt Rachel’s home. I think of Blake again. Maybe he even works around here. He did mention he knows this area. But boy, oh boy…you sure can tell Matt’s parents have money.

  Groups of people flock to the entrance of the house while others seem to be standing around waiting for someone or something. Already the place is trashed. Beer cans lie strewn about the lawn and toilet paper hangs from the trees. I feel sorry for whoever has to clean this up afterwards—probably someone like Blake, ’cause it sure won’t be pretty-boy Matt that’s gonna do it.

  I’m eager to get inside, not so much for Amelia’s sake and the Matt thing, but to find out who called me earlier. Oh, don’t worry about that right now—Matt first! Amelia reminds me again of why we are here. She says it to me like we’re on a mission or something.

  “So do you think I’ll get to talk to him tonight, Mill?” Beth asks me as we get to the front
doors. I realize she’s been rambling this whole time about her crush. “So Mill, do you think Lance will notice me?”

  “Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess. We’ll just have to see,” I say, trying to sound hopeful. But in all reality, I don’t think Lance will give her the time of day. And I seriously doubt if I’ll be able to connect with Matt.

  We walk right in. The party’s underway and it’s only a little after nine. Beth and I float around the room like two little lost ghosts no one is even spooked out about. Not yet, at least. I’m beginning to think that no one will ever really notice us. It isn’t until Jenny Stevens arrives that someone says something. Her big boobs are bouncing like a huge piece of unnecessary fat as she runs up to us.

  “Oh, hey Beth, over here,” Jenny waves to us, well mainly Beth not me. Beth is much friendlier with Jenny than I am.

  I can hear Amelia inside my thoughts already. Just look at her. Jenny “rumorville” with her tight skinny jeans and big flowing locks is gonna take your best friend away from you and you are not even gonna know what hit ya. It does bother me a bit that Beth and Jenny seem to be hitting it off lately, but I don’t want to be that kind of friend that gets too clingy. Even though Amelia worries and threatens that at any moment Beth won’t be friends with me anymore, I try to shrug it off.