by Robin Storey
‘But do you?’
I willed her to look at me and in her eyes I saw what I needed to see.
‘Okay, I fucking love you and I fucking mean it. Satisfied?’
I grinned. ‘Francis Slater, you are without a doubt the most romantic woman I’ve ever known.’
I slid around on to her seat and cupped my hands around her face. I pressed my lips on to hers. She resisted at first then softened into the kiss. I drew away and she shivered as I trailed my fingers down her neck. Before she could stop me, I rolled down the collar of her turtleneck jumper. She pulled away. But it was too late. I’d seen the two gigantic yellow-brown bruises circling each side of her neck.
Chapter 22
BY THE time I was on to my third beer, my warm mellow had deepened to melancholy. After brushing the dust off my guitar, I sat on my deck, serenading the seagulls squawking overhead. I’d hardly touched my guitar over the last few years – the creative part of me had shrivelled up and died, and the sales of my album had dribbled away to nothing, due to lack of promotion. Now a torrent of phrases, riffs and notes spewed out of me – some full of pathos, others explosive with rage, some so tender they were merely a whisper. I should be writing these down, I told myself. But I didn’t want to break the spell.
I looked up. Sarah was standing at the sliding door watching me. I hadn’t heard her arrive home from work. I looked at my watch. Five-thirty. I had come home straight after my meeting with Frankie with so much going on in my head that I was barely aware of my surroundings.
‘Are you all right?’ Sarah asked.
‘Yeah, just chilling out.’
‘How was the seminar?’
‘What sem...oh.’ I remembered I’d told her about the seminar on resistant clients I was supposed to attend. ‘It was okay. Nothing I didn’t know already.’
‘I haven’t seen you play the guitar for ages.’
‘I just got the urge. I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed it.’
‘I’m glad.’ Sarah moved behind me and started massaging the back of my neck. I groaned with pleasure and leaned into it. ‘I was so disappointed when you stopped playing – you need to, it’s part of you who you are. Not to mention wasting your talent. You should go back to doing hotel gigs, even make another album.’
‘Maybe. How was your day, anyway?’
‘Pretty intense. Frogmarch are doing a tour and staying at our city hotel on the weekend, so I’ve been preparing for that. Some of these groups make the most outrageous demands. These guys want fresh chilled mango, truffles and French champagne for breakfast. And silk sheets on the beds. And they’re barely out of high school.’
Her voice was weary. She enjoyed her job – she was a born organiser – but the hours were long. It was entirely due to her salary that we’d been able to keep my beachfront apartment. But sometimes I wondered if she resented the responsibility and felt tied down.
‘Yeah, they expect it all on a plate as soon as they have their first hit song. Listen to me, disillusioned old muso at the age of thirty-eight.’ I gently removed her hands from my neck. ‘I should be doing this to you. How about you go and have a long soak in the bath and I’ll cook dinner.’
‘I’d love that.’ She slid her arms around my neck. ‘You’re so good to me.’
I’m not good to you at all. I’m a lousy husband. I’m in love with another woman, and this morning I was discussing leaving you and running away with her.
#
As I chopped up vegetables for the curry, I replayed the morning’s events in my head for the umpteenth time. The bruises on Frankie’s neck had loomed in my mind all day. She’d said that the incident had happened a few weeks ago. She didn’t go into details and I didn’t press her – she was barely holding it together.
‘I’ve started seeing a domestic violence counsellor,’ she’d said, as if that was the magic wand that would make everything better.
‘That’s a very good step but right now you need more than counselling. You need to get right away from Eddie. I was serious when I said he’ll kill you. Do you want your kids to grow up without a mother?’
It was a low blow, but I couldn’t help it.
‘Don’t say that,’ Frankie whispered. I drew her to me and brushed her tears away. She disentangled herself from me and got up. ‘Please don’t contact me. He’ll find out.’
And she walked out.
I had no intention of keeping my word to her about leaving her alone. How could I? I’d never forgive myself if Eddie killed her. Why hadn’t the police and the magistrate seen through Eddie’s façade? He must be more persuasive than I gave him credit for – or was Frankie one of those who had fallen through the cracks of an overloaded justice system? Somehow I had to persuade her to pack herself and the kids up, and escape with me.
Chapter 23
I SAT bolt upright in bed. The bedside clock said it was 2.20 am. I was instantly awake, my mind buzzing. Over the last three days since I’d seen Frankie, something about her son Jake had been needling me. Something was not right. Now it was falling into place.
I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Sarah. I pulled on a pair of boxer shorts and padded out to the living room. I poured myself a drink of water and sat on the living room couch in the darkness. I mulled over the facts. Frankie and I had made love two weeks before Eddie was released. Six years ago. Jake looked nothing like Frankie or Eddie. I wouldn’t mind betting he’d arrived early – two weeks, in fact.
I went into the study, switched on the light and rifled around on one of the shelves until I found an album of photos my mother had given me as soon as Sarah and I got back from our honeymoon.
‘You might want to show your own children photos of yourself when you were a child,’ she’d said. Subtle as a brick.
I flipped through the pages to my first day at school. There I was, swimming in my oversized school shirt and baggy shorts, clutching my Donald Duck backpack. Squarish shaped head, ginger-glinted blonde hair and solemn brown eyes denoting the importance of the occasion. An unmistakable likeness to the photo of Jake that Frankie had shown me. It confirmed what I already suspected. He was my son.
#
The view from our café was worth the early morning rise. Through the trees, the Harbour Bridge curved gracefully into the sapphire-blue sky like a giant dolphin. The harbour, flecked with white sails, shimmered in the sun; if you looked at it long enough, it mesmerised you. Spring was giving us a taste of the long hot summer to come. Sarah had scheduled a breakfast meeting with a client; and when he cancelled at the last minute, she suggested I come instead.
I finished my Eggs Benedict and sat back, replete. Sarah smiled.
‘You seem happier lately.’
‘Do I?’
‘You don’t jump down my throat any more when I say something you disagree with. I’ve noticed the change since you took up your music again. It’s a good outlet for you.’
She was right. I hadn’t thought about it in that context, but it was true I always felt a sense of release after a session on the guitar. I had almost created enough new songs to make another album – if I wanted to.
‘Have you thought about doing any more sessions with Maria?’
Maria had phoned again and left messages about booking another appointment, but she’d given up when I hadn’t returned her calls.
‘I’ve been very busy at work lately; it’s hard to get time off.’
Sarah gave me a knowing smile. ‘That’s man-talk for “I’m avoiding the issue because I don’t want to go back.”‘
I swallowed my irritation and refrained from replying. A mobile phone started ringing and I realised it was coming from the pocket of my trousers.
‘Aren’t you going to answer it?’ Sarah said.
‘It won’t be anything important. They can leave a message.’
I didn’t answer it because I knew with a deep certainty it was Frankie. I’d rung the head office of ‘Clean as a Whistle’ (after racking my brains
to remember the company’s name) the day before and left a message for her to ring me urgently. It was the only way I could get in touch with her without Eddie knowing. It was just my luck she’d ring when I couldn’t take the call. If she was at head office now, I might catch her if I rang back straight away.
Sarah looked at her watch. ‘I’ve got time for another quick coffee. Do you want one?’
I shook my head. ‘You order one, I’m going to the Men’s.’
I went into one of the cubicles and took out my phone. There were no messages, so I checked the missed calls. There was one from an unknown mobile number. I rang it and a woman’s voice answered. ‘This is Ellen.’
‘This is Will McPherson. I just received a missed call from this number.’
‘I’m a friend of Frankie’s. I’ll hand you over.’
‘What’s so urgent?’ Frankie demanded.
‘Is Jake my son?’
Now that I’d said the words out loud, they rang with the air of truth. The silence that followed confirmed it.
‘Yes.’ Her tone was low.
‘You know that for sure?’
‘I haven’t had him tested, of course. Eddie thinks Jake is his; he’s got no reason not to think that. But he was early arriving and...’ she faltered, ‘he is so like you.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me the other day?’
‘I was going to...but in the end I couldn’t. What good would it have done?’
‘A lot of good. This changes everything, Frankie. I’m Jake’s father and I’m responsible for his well-being.’
‘Try telling that to Eddie.’
The door of the Men’s squeaked open. ‘I can’t talk now. Where are you working today?’
‘Burwood.’
‘Give me the address, and I’ll come and see you in your lunch break.’
‘We don’t get a lunch break. We’ve got to finish this house today.’
‘I’ll come and talk to you while you’re cleaning. Just for a few minutes.’
‘If you’re going to try and persuade me to run away with you, don’t bother.’
‘I’m won’t,’ I lied.
She gave me the address and I rang off, exiting the cubicle to the curious stare of the man standing at the urinal, who had undoubtedly overheard me arranging my clandestine meeting.
When I got back to our table, Sarah was drinking her second coffee. ‘Everything all right?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, fine.’
Chapter 24
I HAD a full morning of clients and a lunchtime presentation on our services at the local neighbourhood centre, so it was three o’clock before I turned up at the house in Burwood. I breathed a sigh of relief when I spied a station wagon emblazoned with ‘Clean as a Whistle’ parked in the street. The house was a double-storey brick with elaborate carved columns over the front porch. The front door was wide open, so I walked in.
‘Hullo!’ My voiced echoed – the house was cavernous without furniture. A vacuum cleaner hummed from somewhere on the top floor.
A woman appeared from a room up the hallway. Large and homely, hair tied back with a scarf and a cloth in her hand.
‘Hi, I’m Will. Are you Ellen?’
‘Sure am. Frankie told me you’d be dropping by.’
‘Great. Is she upstairs?’
‘Yeah, but before you go up…’ She approached me, chewing gum as if her life depended on it. ‘Frankie’s told me about you,’ she said in a low voice. ‘That you want her to go away with you. I tell her “Go!” but she’s too scared. Too scared to go and too scared to stay. That scum of the earth…’
She stopped chewing for a fraction of a second. ‘He’s been on ice since they came back to Sydney. Not a week doesn’t go by when he doesn’t get stuck into her. One time she came to work with cigarette burns on her hand. She took the kids and came to my place one night, and somehow he found out where she’d gone and literally dragged her back. He told us both that if we called the police we’d be dead meat. He threatened me!’ She beat her ample chest in emphasis. ‘I was ropable! She reckons he’s got a gun...’
The hum of the vacuum cleaner had stopped, and Frankie was coming down the stairs. Her hair was limp, her face flushed and her apron was adorned with grease stains. She looked stunning.
‘I thought you were coming at lunchtime,’ she said.
‘You said you didn’t have a lunch break,’ I reminded her. ‘And I couldn’t get away before now.’
‘Go and have a break,’ Ellen said. ‘I’ll finish upstairs.’
‘And no having it off on the nice, clean carpet!’ she called over her shoulder.
Frankie grinned. ‘You’re forgetting who’s boss round here!’
She led me out through the living room to a small enclosed patio. We perched on the edge of the doorway.
‘What do you want to talk about?’ she asked. ‘As if I didn’t know.’
‘I’m still coming to grips with it. Being a father, I mean. Sarah and I have been trying for over a year to have a baby. She’s talking about going to doctors and getting tested. I thought I might have a low sperm count or something ... but obviously not.’
She took my hand and squeezed it. It was the first time she’d initiated any physical contact between us. ‘I really wish he wasn’t yours. It just complicates things. Things could have been so different...’
Her eyes welled up. I put my arms around her and buried my face in her hair. It smelled of apples and summer.
‘It still can be different. I know you think it’s too late, but it’s not. Ellen had a word with me before you came down about what he’s been doing to you. Don’t be upset with her – she’s concerned about you.’
‘I’m not upset with her. I’ve only known her since I started this job, but she’s been a good friend. My only friend – Eddie’s scared the others away.’
She dug into her apron pocket, pulled out a tissue and blew her nose. ‘She’s always telling me to leave him. And I’ve tried. I took the kids and went to a shelter a few months ago, but he sent me a text message threatening to track me down and kill me as soon as I left. And I can’t report his threats to the police because he says he’ll tell them about me driving the getaway car. The only reason he was charged with this,’ – she indicated her neck – ‘was because we were in the garage, and he was yelling at me and the neighbours called the police.’ She twisted her hands. ‘He’s got a gun.’
‘Has he threatened you with it?’
‘Not outright, but he showed it to me one day. Just casually, in the course of conversation, all very friendly. But the meaning was clear – if I don’t do what he wants, he’ll use it. As soon as he went out I turned the house upside down looking for it, but I couldn’t find it.’
She gave a half-sigh, half-sob. ‘I really thought we were going to make it. He was good for the first couple of years after prison – he had a job in construction, he was off the drugs, we had Jake and then I got pregnant with Aimee. We were happy, as happy as I thought I would ever be. Then he started a new job working away from home. Those guys were into ice so he got back into it, but he was clever enough not to get caught out while he was on parole. It’s been heaps worse since we moved back to Sydney. You know what I wished the other day?’
‘What?’
‘I wished he’d do another hold-up so he’d go to jail and get out of my life. That’s terrible, isn’t it? To wish that on some other poor victims.’
I stroked her hair. ‘Not at all, it’s perfectly understandable. I wish you’d told me all this before, instead of trying to cope with it all yourself.’
‘I couldn’t, you of all people. I brought myself up despite my crap foster carers and being sexually abused, and I’ve made my own way in the world without help from anyone. No way was I going to admit that I was frightened of Eddie. I feel ashamed of having to give in to him all the time to save myself from being beaten up. The counsellors say, “you shouldn’t be ashamed, it’s not your fault” but I do feel ashame
d, so stop fucking telling me how I should feel!’
‘Hold on – what do you mean, you couldn’t tell me, of all people?’
Frankie looked away at a couple of sparrows squabbling in a tree at the fence. ‘I didn’t want you to think I was a loser.’
‘Jesus, Frankie, how could you think that? I love you, you can tell me anything and I’d never call you a loser. Or even think it. You are the most beautiful, bravest woman I know.’
‘Don’t say that.’ Her voice trembled. ‘You’ll make me cry again and I have to get back to work.’
‘All right, let’s make this quick. I know I said I wasn’t going to try and persuade you to go away with me, but I lied. Lawyer’s prerogative.’
‘Okay, let’s do it.’
I’d braced myself for more resistance. ‘Really?’
She drew a deep breath. ‘Yesterday morning, Eddie went out really early and Jake came into my bed with me and said, “Mummy, when is Daddy coming home?” And I said I didn’t know and he said, “I don’t want him to come home, I get scared when he yells. I like it when there’s just you and me, and Aimee. “ ‘
My heart twisted in my chest at the thought of Jake, my son, being frightened of the one person who was supposed to take care of him and protect him. That was me now.
‘I’ve been thinking about it since you rang this morning. I have to find the courage to go. For the kids. I can do it if you’re with me.’
I held her close to me, and her body relaxed into mine. For a few perfect moments, we sat in the cooling afternoon air and for the first time I dared to think about a life with Frankie.
Frankie drew away. ‘What about your wife?’
‘I’ll tell her tonight.’
I didn’t even want to think about that.
‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing for yourself? You’re breaking up a marriage for me.’
‘If I’d ever thought there was a chance you and I could be together, I’d never have married Sarah. And to be perfectly honest, I married her because she was around; we’d known each other for years and I knew she loved me. Like you, I thought I’d be the happiest it was possible to be. And it’s been fine; she’s a good person. It’s going to be horrible telling her. But I have you now and I have a son – we have a son.’