Thirty-Eight Days

by Len Webster

  “No, you didn’t. But a pretty girl like you needs to realise that life is a tricky son of a bitch. Your sweet little cupcakes and your pretty face can’t get you through life, Clara. I’m sure you’ll rebound quick enough. You did after your last boyfriend with Noel, right? So don’t give me those big brown eyes. Unlike a guy who thinks with his dick, those eyes won’t have any effect on me.”

  She thought it was just sex between Noel and me.

  Numbness consumed Clara’s body. Not even Sarah’s tainted and harsh words could hurt her any longer. It was like a defence mechanism that her body had created. She took a deep breath and she let herself get lost in the numbness that controlled her body. She looked into those poisonous blue eyes and she knew Sarah had never loved anyone before, and that made Clara pity her.

  “I love Noel. I didn’t end it because you threatened me or told me about Valerie. I just saw the impossibility of us. When you love someone, you take it upon yourself to make the right choices for their happiness. And I know that I’ll never be right for Noel.

  “I made a choice based on what I believe is best for his happiness, not mine. There are too many reasons to why we weren’t going to make it. We both made promises we’d never keep. I had to break his heart in order for him to be happy. If that’s with Valerie, then I know when to step aside. Whether or not she is his forever, they have a now. So you can go about and threaten me and kick me while I’m down, but unlike you, Sarah, I know what love feels like, and at least I had that.”

  Sarah winced, her face scrunched up, the bitterness written on her features. “Don’t confuse sex for love, Clara.”

  “I won’t. I know the difference. Sex is filled with temporary feelings, whereas love is dominating. It takes you and it consumes you, body and soul. I hope one day you experience the difference,” she replied with a sad smile. Sarah’s lips parted slightly, and Clara knew Sarah wasn’t expecting her response.

  “What you had with Noel wasn’t love. It was temptation,” Sarah sneered.

  Clara’s phone rang, startling Sarah. Clara looked down at it and then back at Sarah.

  Then it was the most intense temptation I ever felt.

  “I wish you every happiness, Clara,” Sarah said before flipping her hair over her shoulder and walking up the steps and into The Dome. Clara breathed out heavily and walked to the pillar, resting her back on it. She looked down at her phone and saw that she had a message. Before she could open it, a car pulled up in front of her and the windows rolled down.

  “Hey, Clara. Stevie sent me.” Jarred’s sad smile was like a pin puncturing a balloon. The hurt exploded through Clara’s body. The numbness dissolved and the aching in her chest returned with a fierce fire. Clara pushed off the pillar and opened her clutch to put her phone away. She caught a glimpse of her locket and it was like a heavy pang in her heart that brought the tears brimming. Her lungs burned from the lack of air, her body reminding her of what she had done.

  She quickly closed her clutch and tucked it under her arm. Jarred got out and walked around his car. Before Clara could prepare herself he pulled her into a warm and tight hug. She held him close as her tears stained his light blue shirt.

  “I’ll take you back to my place and you can stay the night. Don’t worry about my roommate, he’s out of town for the weekend. Stevie only told me the basics, but she’s stuck in Emerald with her family. She’s on her way,” Jarred said softly. He took her clutch from under her arm and led her to the passenger side door. Jarred opened his car door for Clara and he gave her an apologetic smile.

  Looking at herself in the mirror, Clara sighed at her reflection. Her lipstick had smudged from when Noel kissed her, her mascara had run slightly, and her eyes were red and puffy. She turned the tap until cold water came running out of the faucet. Before she could wash her face from all the tears she heard a knock on Jarred’s bathroom door.

  “I brought you a towel. I know you wanted to freshen up, but I thought maybe a hot shower would help,” Jarred said as he placed the folded towel on the counter.

  “Thanks.” Clara willed a smile, but she knew Jarred saw right through it.

  “I’ll go find you some clothes for when you finish having a shower,” he said as he left Clara alone in his en-suite bathroom. The emptiness in her chest was swallowing her whole. Unlike her breakup with Darren, this one hurt her more. She didn’t want to be alone; she wanted Jarred to stay and comfort her. She just wanted someone to take the pain away and make her forget. Clara wanted every memory and feeling of Noel erased from her; it would make it easier to breathe.

  She walked over to the large shower and opened the door. She placed her hand on the tap and turned it. Cold water sprayed out and pierced her skin. It made her feel something other than the unbearable ache that she felt with each hesitant beat of her heart.

  Clara stood back and reached for the zipper on her back. It took her several attempts, but she couldn’t tug the zipper down enough to slip out of her dress.

  Giving up hope of removing her dress, Clara took out the bobby pins from her hair and released her bun. Her curls fell and cascaded down past her shoulders. She kicked off her heels before opening the shower door and felt cold needles hit her skin instantly. It was a relief to feel something other than the pain of walking away from Noel. The cold water ran down her body, drowning her curls and making her dress heavy from the absorption.

  I love you, Clara Lawrence.

  The memory of the first time Noel told her he loved her flashed before Clara’s eyes. The cold shower reminding her of the spring rain that fell over them as they danced. The freezing water couldn’t take away the memories. They couldn’t make her forget about every moment he whispered those three words. The memories became vivid, more real and more painful.

  Every single memory they shared—their first kiss, their first time together, the first time they said I love you to each other—flashed before her. Each kiss, each touch and sound of his voice consumed her. The memories engulfed her, making it hard for her to breathe, the heaviness in her heart outweighed the heaviness of her soaked dress. Clara took a wobbly step back towards the shower wall. Her hand reached out for support. Then a flash of Noel begging for her appeared.

  She let out a sob before her knees gave way, Clara sliding down the shower wall. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. The icy water continued to cover her as she sobbed. She loved him. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough.

  You’re the love of my life.

  Resting her forehead on her knees, she cried. All those promises she believed and that forever she believed in was now gone. Lost in the depths of the fear that told her to run. The fear jeopardised her future, but their future was always hazy; something blurred their vision of forever. Clara hugged her knees tighter as her heart started to give way. The numbness like morphine had almost left her system; her walls fell and were now rubbles of ash, leaving her exposed.

  “Clara, I swear I’m not looking, but I thought you might need help with your—” she heard the sound of Jarred’s shower door open. Clara looked up to see Jarred get drenched by the water. The sad look on his face made her tears run, camouflaged by the water that fell.

  “Your dress,” he pointed out as he sat next to Clara on the shower floor. Jarred wrapped his arm around the back of Clara and she rested her head on his shoulder.

  “It’s just a dress,” she whispered.

  They sat there as the water ran over the both of them. Clara felt herself shiver, and Jarred reached up and shut off the water. He offered Clara a smile that promised her that things would be okay, and she tried to return one. But it felt broken, and she ended up frowning.

  “I fell in love too quickly,” Clara said. Jarred stood up, retrieved the bath towel before wrapping it around Clara and sitting back down next to her. Jarred took Clara’s hand and squeezed it slightly. She felt herself smile.

  This is Jarred, sweet and completely selfless.

  “Clara…”
He looked her straight in the eye, and his jaw clenched.

  “Ask yourself, how many days does it take to fall in love?”

  Clara could only reply with a question of her own. “How many days does it take to forget love?”

  There was only silence between them. The sound of the dripping showerhead and their breathing could be heard. Jarred took both Clara’s hands in his and looked at her.

  Our days were numbered.

  “Clara, I don’t want to be just your friend. I’d like to be more, if you’ll let me?” he asked hopefully.

  “You want more?” she asked, surprised. Clara removed her hands from his and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

  “I want to be more than just your friend; I want to be your best friend. I want to be the guy you turn to and say, “I think he’s the one.” And then, I’ll be there with that yellow legal pad, already writing down the reasons why I know you found the one. Because that’s what I want with you; you’re too special not to have in my life. You’ve helped me through so much, and I want to be there for you. You gave me Annie, and I’ll always be there trying to thank you.” Jarred had a smile that gave Clara hope. She wanted someone like Jarred, someone so devoted and so sure that she wouldn’t have to ever second-guess herself.

  Liam.

  Clara let out a regrettable sigh. Liam was all that and more; if anything, she didn’t deserve him. She hugged the bath towel around her tighter and looked at Jarred, his clothes soaked and his damp hair stuck to his forehead.

  “Annie is lucky to have you, Jarred. You are amazing and kind. I’m lucky to have you as my best friend, because you are mine as much as I am yours.” Clara gave him the best smile she could muster.

  “Pinky promise?” The childlike grin on Jarred’s face had Clara laughing. She raised her pinky finger to Jarred’s and they entwined theirs together.

  “Pinky promise, Jarred.”

  “It’s not too late, you know,” Jarred said as he helped Clara up from the shower floor. The weight of her wet dress made it difficult to hold it up as she walked. Jarred held open the shower door as she stepped out and sat on the bathtub, trailing water across his bathroom floor.

  It was too late. By walking away, I saved Alex and Noel’s friendship, and I stopped Noel from making the mistake of choosing me.

  Jarred passed Clara another towel to dry her hair. “I won’t look, but do you mind turning slightly? I’ll help you with your zipper, and you can change into this shirt and an old pair of my shorts. They’ll be miles too big, but it’s better than being in that dress.”

  Clara removed the towel and turned slightly. She let out a small laugh as she watched Jarred turn his eyes away from her back and pulled down the zip of her gown.

  She placed Jarred’s shirt over her dress and looked up at him, the tension on his face clear. “I wasn’t joking, Clara. It’s not too late. You can go back and tell him you love him. I see it. I know what it’s like to be on the other end, I do. I thought Annie ended it for good, and she left me feeling sick and lost. I can’t describe it. I’m not good with words. But Annie is my other half, and when I thought it was over, it felt like she took away me.”

  Clara’s tears returned. She wondered if they would ever stop, but she knew the answer. Until she forgot Nolan Parker, they would always appear. She sighed and looked at her hands.

  “We had to end, Jarred. Like every storm, we left destruction in our paths. And when the storm ends, we’re left to pick up the pieces and we rebuild. As time goes by we forget the storm. We forget the intense feelings, the heartbreaking emotions, but we never forget the memories.” A warm tear hitting her hand brought her back. She saw the concern in Jarred’s eyes. Clara wiped her tears before resting both hands back in her lap.

  “Every storm has a beginning, every storm has a perfect moment of bliss, and every storm has a destructive end. Noel and I…” Just saying his name rendered her speechless, left her struggling to breathe and left her with a heavy pressure in her heart.

  “We were the perfect storm.”

  Three phone calls later and he’d be on his way. Noel stared at Clara’s handwritten note. Her delicate and beautiful handwriting spoke the words that he would always want to hear.

  I love you.

  He couldn’t do it. As much as he wanted to scrunch, rip, and burn those three words, he couldn’t. The small note was the only hope he had left. His eyes burned and those tears he’d been trying to hide threatened to spill. Noel had never cried over a woman, but when the love of his life tore out his heart, crying came naturally to him.

  Noel folded the note and stuck it in the pages of his passport. He walked to the chest of drawers and started to take his clothes out and place them in his bag. It was like a small chisel breaking another inch of his heart. The more he packed, the more distance he was putting between them. She didn’t deny that she loved him, but she didn’t want them together either.

  When he opened the last drawer, the sight of a white envelope appeared before his eyes. Noel removed it before walking over and sitting on the bed. He opened the envelope to see the pictures they took when they were on the beach. His heart constricted before it collapsed at the sight of them happy and together. A week later and here he was, packing for a flight back to Boston.

  Sifting through the pictures, Clara’s smile and her brown eyes captivated him in every picture. He reached the last one—Clara kissing his cheek—and it almost made him unpack and run after her. But it was the memory of her begging him for their end that stopped him. Something caused Clara’s fears to take over and end them. He didn’t know what, but he promised to make her happy, and she wanted them over. The pictures he held would not be joining him on his flight back to Massachusetts.

  He took one more look at Clara, knowing that he would never see her as his ever again. He stood up and placed the pictures back in the drawer. He was meant to show her them, but it wouldn’t matter anymore. They were over.

  Noel took his passport off the bed and zipped up his bag, placing the strap on his shoulder. He closed the door behind him and looked at Clara’s apartment. Every first they shared was made here. He shook his head and walked towards the front door, but stopped at Clara’s bedroom. Reaching into his pockets, Noel took out the small box and opened it.

  I was this close.

  He looked at the Celtic knots. The knots represented his endless love for her, and knowing that this was their end made his chest constrict. The sound of the front door being knocked made him close the box, returning it back into his pocket. Alex had told him that Clara would be with her friends tonight. It gave him enough time to change and pack. If she had come home, he would have given it one more fight, but Clara didn’t. Noel walked up to the front door. He’d tell whoever it was that neither Clara nor Alex was home, and then he’d make his way for the lobby and wait for the taxi he called.

  He opened the door and was surprised. “Stevie.”

  “Hey, Noel.”

  “You know Clara isn’t here, right? She’s at a friend’s,” he said as he placed his bag on the ground.

  “You’re leaving,” Stevie said as she stared at his bag.

  “Yeah, my flight leaves in three hours.”

  “Don’t go. Fight for her, please.”

  Noel looked at his passport in his left hand and then back at Stevie. “Clara just ripped out my heart and threw it in my face. I told her I loved her, and that meant nothing the moment Alex came back. I can’t stay. My life is in Boston.”

  “Your life is here. Clara is your life. Don’t go and give me some bullshit about how she isn’t. I saw it the first day I saw you. Jarred just called to tell me she’s a wreck. She loves you and she needs you, Noel.” There was so much passion in what Stevie was saying that the urge to hug her and comfort her was consuming. She was fighting for them, but they had already shown their white flags.

  “Stevie, you can stop. You don’t need to fight for Clara. She ended it. I’m giving her what she wa
nts, and that’s for us to end. I appreciate you coming here and trying to change my mind, but this will be good for us. I live in Boston, and Clara lives here. We were all delusional about this working. I love Clara, and that will never change. But I have to move on with my life. I know you’re friends with her, but why are you doing the fighting?”

  Stevie stepped back in surprise and looked at her hands.

  “Because…” She let out a heavy sigh. “I know what it’s like to do what Clara did. I know how painful it is to walk away thinking it’s for the best. I’ve spent the last two years in regret, and I don’t wish that on Clara, or even you. You have what it takes to last; I know it. I wouldn’t be here begging you to stay if I didn’t see it. Just please stay. Give her some time. Clara loves you, Noel. She wouldn’t be doing this if she didn’t. Please.”

  He had to make Stevie stop. All her words fuelled his determination to win Clara back. But it was too late.

  “She doesn’t want me, Stevie. I appreciate you trying to change my mind, but this wasn’t love for Clara. Going back to Boston will make her happy at my expense. I made a promise to make her happy, and this is it. Thank you, but you can’t change my mind. It’s too late. We’re already over.”

  Noel picked up his bag, and held his passport tighter before stepping out of Clara’s apartment and closing the front door behind him.

  “But—” Stevie let out. Noel stepped in front of her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

  “I can’t let you change my mind, Stevie. As much as I want you to, I can’t let you do that. This is the best for both of us. She’ll eventually forget me. I want Clara to find someone that will make her happy. It’s not me. If it was me then this wouldn’t be as hard as it is. I have a plane to catch. If you’re ever in Boston, give me a call. I’ll see you around, Stevie.”

  Noel sat on the bar stool towards the end of the counter at PJ’s in Melbourne Airport. He could hear the sounds of a group of men yelling as they watched a game of football on the large LCD screen. But he didn’t care to watch the game; instead, he stared at Clara’s engagement ring. Those diamonds flashed before him as the light hit them. He took the ring from the box and just held it out in front of him.