As Black as Ebony

by Salla Simukka

  Lumikki paused longer on one picture than the others. In it, she was seven years old. She stood in the middle of a schoolyard. It was winter. She remembered Mom suddenly wanting to take a picture after dropping her off at school.

  “Come on, smile!” her mom had said.

  In the picture, Lumikki stared straight at the camera seriously, without the slightest hint of a smile. She simply didn’t have any reason to grin in that place. The bullying had started that winter, and Lumikki had hated every day she had to go to school. Now she looked at the picture and saw the chilling fear behind her defiant gaze.

  Lumikki never wanted her eyes to look that way again. But she recognized it all too often in the mirror even now.

  Lumikki closed the album. It wasn’t going to tell her anything new today. It wasn’t going to reveal the secrets hidden in the past.

  After coffee, her mother asked Lumikki, “Are you going to stay for a sauna tonight?”

  The question was more rhetorical than a real invitation. It was the question you were supposed to ask.

  “No. Schoolwork,” Lumikki replied.

  Just as she was expected to reply.

  Walking to the railway station, Lumikki passed her old middle school. Seeing the building and the yard always brought the taste of iron to her mouth. Those had been the worst years of the violence and humiliation. The hitting and shouting. The isolation. All the lies to get Lumikki to come to school at the wrong time, to bring the wrong PE clothes, to do the wrong homework. She had tried to be careful and only believe what she had heard with her own ears from the teachers, but she had still been tricked time and time again. It was easy for the bullies to forge messages and get other kids to play along.

  Just as nauseating was the memory of how she had finally risen up against her bullies, Anna-Sofia and Vanessa, brutally attacking them.

  The rage. The loss of control. The hunger to kill.

  Afterward, Lumikki didn’t know whether she was more afraid of the bullies or herself. Everything she knew she was capable of and how it felt to want to take another person’s life just to put an end to her personal hell. Lumikki wasn’t proud of her feelings, but she also didn’t try to deny them. That was why she had tried so hard to teach herself composure and self-control. She didn’t intend to give other people the upper hand, but she also didn’t want to act in anger.

  At least Lumikki tried to make that her guiding rule. Following it wasn’t always so easy.

  Sunny memories of Riihimäki were few and far between for Lumikki. One of them was of the Riihimäki Theater where Lumikki had seen a play when she was nine. She couldn’t remember what the play was anymore, but that didn’t matter. Lumikki had loved the smell of the auditorium, the hush that replaced the hum of conversation in the audience, and the moment when the lights had dimmed but the performance had not yet begun. The sense of tension and expectation when everything was still possible.

  Lumikki had sat right in the front row, obliging her to tilt back her head to see properly. The actors had been almost close enough to touch. Lumikki had been able to see even their slightest expressions.

  Lumikki remembered one dark-haired actor dancing, jumping, and running especially lightly and effortlessly. The hem of her aquamarine skirt undulated like rolling seawater. When the actor jumped right to the edge of the stage though, Lumikki caught a glimpse of a knee brace under her skirt. After that, Lumikki started watching the actor’s expressions more carefully, noticing under the winning smile and bubbly laughter and flowing words a hint of pain. With every jump and step of the dance, a shadow passed over the actor’s face so subtly it probably didn’t register for anyone else. It was like a fog fell over her eyes for a split second.

  Lumikki watched the actor, spellbound. She forgot to watch the rest of the play. The plot wasn’t interesting anymore. Lumikki stared at the changing shades of the actor’s gray eyes, thinking. It was possible to take on a role no one else could see through. You could hide pain.

  That carefree dancing and the laughter that filled the stage like apple blossoms had become a symbol of hidden strength and power for Lumikki. She thought that she could be like this actor someday too. She could choose her role and step onto the stage or sit in the audience. Lumikki could be anyone.

  Seen from the window of her train home to Tampere, the December afternoon seemed to darken even more quickly than normal. It was gray. Just as gray as it had been for all of October, November, and the beginning of December. Today it wasn’t sleeting, it was drizzling. The ground was black. The bare branches of the trees were black. Lumikki saw her reflection in the window. Her eyes looked black.

  Fifteen minutes outside of Tampere, Lumikki had to go to the bathroom so badly that she decided to use the restroom in the train instead of waiting until getting home. When she returned to her place, a folded sheet of paper lay on her seat. Lumikki glanced around. No one else was in the car. Just then, the train pulled up to one of the Tampere suburb stations.

  Lumikki unfolded the paper with trembling hands.

  My Lumikki,

  I know how bad it is for you walking past that building. I know what you went through there. And it makes me feel so furious on your behalf. If you wanted, I could make them suffer. If you wanted, I could paint the walls with their blood. I could finish what you started, your just revenge. One word from you and I would do it.

  I know their names. Anna-Sofia and Vanessa. Don’t think I’m not serious.

  And since we’re talking about names, I know other names too. You are Lumikki, Snow White, but do you remember that there was once someone almost like Briar Rose?

  Remember. You’ll find her name. You haven’t forgotten it even if you might have forgotten everything else.

  I’m always following you.

  Your Shadow

  Bile rose in Lumikki’s throat. Whoever had left the note, there was no way he was on the train anymore. He would have gotten off at that stop. The stalker’s timing had been perfect.

  The thought that whoever wrote this had followed her to Riihimäki, kept watch to know when she was coming back, and waited to see whether she would go to the bathroom nauseated Lumikki. All just to be able to leave her this anonymous message.

  This wasn’t a practical joke.

  And no one could know the things this note said. There were things Lumikki had never told anyone. Things like the names of her tormentors.

  Lumikki could barely dial her phone, her hands were shaking so much.

  Thankfully, Sampsa answered immediately.

  “Can I see you today?” Lumikki asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

  “No.”

  Lumikki swallowed.

  “Why not?”

  “I have band practice tonight and I’ve got an important project to finish, namely buying you a Christmas present,” Sampsa said with a laugh. “So you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, beautiful.”

  “Okay.”

  Lumikki would have liked to draw out the conversation and hold on to the safe warmth of Sampsa’s voice, but she didn’t dare say anything that might reveal everything wasn’t alright. So she made small talk, telling him about her parents’ vacation plans and remodeling plan. The sort of chitchat Lumikki never indulged. But Sampsa was in a hurry, so soon Lumikki was sitting with a mute phone in her hand, staring at her reflection in the window.

  In her eyes was the same defiant fear as when she was seven years old.

  Every hit and every kick had to strike the opponent in a way that significantly reduced his fighting effectiveness. Halfhearted attacks were pointless. They just consumed energy without helping to vanquish your enemy.

  Lumikki squeezed her fingers into a fist. Left, left, right. Left, left, right. And remember to block. Keep moving.

  How blood starts flowing from a nose when it comes into contact with a fist. How a cheekbone breaks when a sharp kick hits it. The opponent’s legs give way. He falls. He is at your mercy.

  Suddenly, Lumikki couldn’t go on
. Her feet wouldn’t budge. The others continued moving to the thumping music of the Combat session, following the trainer’s shouted commands, but Lumikki couldn’t aim another single strike at her imaginary foe. Of course, this was just aerobics, a group exercise class spiced up with a little faux martial arts, but right now the mental images were too much.

  Before her eyes, Lumikki saw Anna-Sofia and Vanessa lying in the snow, beaten to within an inch of their lives. No, that hadn’t really happened, but she still imagined it that way. Was “Shadow” right? Did she still want revenge on those girls?

  Lumikki had thought that coming to Combat would take her mind off the notes, but that hadn’t happened. The music thundered in the gym. The air stank of sweat. A few others started casting irritated glances at Lumikki because she was just standing in the middle of the room, resting her arms on her knees. Get out of the way, their eyes said.

  As soon as her legs felt like they would carry her, Lumikki started weaving her way through the crowd. She didn’t even bother saying sorry when she bumped into a few of the other girls enthusiastically hitting and kicking at the air. After making it to the locker room, Lumikki headed straight for the toilet. She barely got the door latched and the lid up before the vomit gushed out of her mouth. Lumikki held the sides of the bowl, retching pieces of goat cheese lasagna. Her whole body shook. Lumikki didn’t remember when she had last thrown up. It felt just as horrible as ever.

  In the shower, Lumikki was alone. She could still hear the Combat class outside. Coming here had been a bad idea. She would have to find some other way to clear her mind. Lumikki stood under the warm water long after all of the shampoo and soap was rinsed from her hair and skin. The wetness of the water was a caress. It was an embrace she could take momentary refuge in.

  Lumikki tried to pinpoint the department store speakers playing the saccharine song. She hoped that if she could cast them a sufficiently searing glance, the worst Christmas ditty in the history of kitsch would end as the speakers burst into flames. Wham! released “Last Christmas” in 1984. Wasn’t it about time for it to crawl off to the pop song graveyard and die?

  Apparently, department stores thought differently. Maybe somewhere someone had done a study and found that of all the horrible Christmas songs ever written, this was the one that made people spend the most. The bitterness and pain of a broken heart, the desire for revenge, and the thought that, this Christmas, I’ll give my gifts to someone special who knows how to value them. I’ll buy the most beautiful ones. I’ll buy the most expensive ones. I’ll prove my love with such a big pile of cash that no one will be able to doubt the sincerity of my feelings. But at the same time, those shoppers relishing the singer’s bittersweet wistfulness, knowing his broken heart still beats for the one who shattered it.

  Lumikki hated this song. She hated the pre-Christmas rush. The real and imagined glitter that rested on everything was meant to mimic snow, but really looked more like sugar frosting. The Christmas of department stores was the one you saw in American romantic comedies where they condensed a lifetime of sappy love and togetherness into a few winter days when everything was perfect just so long as the sets and props were just so. There was a fire in the hearth and mistletoe and glittering gold and fake snow and an enormous mountain of perfectly chosen presents piled and a full Christmas dinner and fuzzy socks and handmade chocolates and Christmas carols and the scent of cinnamon and ginger and everything so perfect you could almost gag.

  That was the Christmas dream the department stores sold, and the Tampere Stockmann was no exception.

  Lumikki also hated buying Christmas presents because it felt so fake. She would prefer to give gifts when she felt like it, no matter what the date was. Buying Christmas presents was a ritual you had to perform because it was expected. Lumikki knew she couldn’t not buy Sampsa a present. But she also knew the distress she would feel the moment she received some beautiful, carefully chosen, thoughtful gift and all she had for him was something pointless and impersonal she had bought in a panic. Because Lumikki had already noticed Sampsa was a gift giver. By some incredible instinct, the boy had already managed to give her the perfect necklace, a simple silver chain with a small black stone pendant; the world’s best notebook; and a pair of half-finger gloves Lumikki always wore at home when a cold gale was blowing through the chinks in the window.

  Sampsa gave his gifts lightly, without making a big deal about it. He gave gifts the way the best gifts were given, without the slightest expectation of receiving anything in return. He knew how to do it in a way that the other person never felt indebted or guilty. Lumikki respected that so much, but she knew she couldn’t skip Christmas.

  Right now, it also felt necessary to be surrounded by all these painfully bright lights and exhaustingly cheery songs. To shut the stalker’s letters out of her mind. Lumikki didn’t know what she should do about them, and because she couldn’t stand uncertainty, she tried to forget about it. At least for a while. Maybe her subconscious was working on a solution.

  “What is up with all this chintzy crap?” a voice asked behind Lumikki.

  Turning, Lumikki saw Tinka and Aleksi. It was strange to see them together on a Saturday, outside of school. Lumikki had been under the impression they didn’t really get along.

  “Who would be crazy enough to actually buy something like this?” Aleksi asked.

  He was pointing at what had to be intended as a centerpiece: a blinking, red “I Love You” sign.

  “Just imagine waking up in the middle of the night to the doorbell ringing and finding something like that sitting outside!” Tinka said, laughing. “I’d be scared out of my mind.”

  Lumikki shivered.

  “I’m starting to think this might not be the best place to do my Christmas shopping,” she said, trying to keep her tone light.

  “Looking for something for Sampsa?” Tinka asked quickly.

  Lumikki nodded.

  “Lucky boy. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect present for him.”

  Lumikki thought there was a strangely melancholy shade to Tinka’s smile. She didn’t have the time or interest to start analyzing that now though.

  “Have fun shopping!” Lumikki said and then left before the others could suggest they shop together.

  Lumikki left the Stockmann Christmas department and continued down the escalator to the bottom floor. Maybe she would find something in the book department. The fact that she wasn’t seeing anything she thought Sampsa would like was discouraging. Did she really know her boyfriend this poorly? Lumikki didn’t want to believe that was the problem. It was just that the whole buy buy buy pressure always made her shut down. It made everything look stupid and tasteless.

  Lumikki’s hand stroked the covers of the books absentmindedly. None of them seemed to whisper Sampsa’s name.

  “We have to stop meeting this way.”

  The hairs on Lumikki’s arms instantly stood on end. Blaze was standing next to her.

  “This is twice in less than a week. It must be fate. Maybe now I can tempt you with a cup of coffee?”

  Lumikki looked into Blaze’s laughing eyes and felt herself nodding before she had time to think.

  Two hours and four big cups of coffee later, Lumikki wondered where the past year had gone. It felt like she and Blaze had just picked up where they left off. Or maybe not there, exactly, not at the agonizing, final moments of their breakup. A little before, when words still flowed between them naturally and unforced. Now they were sitting at Lumikki’s kitchen table again, just like they used to. Drinking coffee. Talking.

  “Every day I’m happier and more whole,” Blaze said, and Lumikki could see from his direct, placid gaze that he was telling the truth.

  Blaze had only told her a little about the details of the sex reassignment process, and Lumikki hadn’t asked because she respected Blaze’s decision to only share what he felt good sharing. This was about Blaze’s body, his own physical essence.

  “But I needed all the lonel
iness and isolation. It helped me go on because it made me strong. I know I hurt you so much, and I want to apologize for that.”

  There was an honest brightness to Blaze’s words. Lumikki still couldn’t reply though because she didn’t have the words.

  Instead, Lumikki told him about everything that had happened over the previous winter and summer: the crimes she had gotten mixed up in, the danger and all the running, how close death had been.

  “I read about the thing in Prague in the newspaper. That was crazy,” Blaze said, shaking his head.

  “I seem to have a habit of getting into dangerous situations,” Lumikki tried to joke, but she couldn’t force a smile.

  Quickly, she tried to cover her anxiety by taking a big gulp of the coffee that was already lukewarm. That always happened to them. They barely noticed as their coffee grew cold, they had so much to say.

  But Lumikki didn’t tell Blaze about remembering that she used to have a sister. And of course, nothing about the harassing letters, even though she wished she could share the burden with someone.

  She couldn’t take the risk that this “shadow” would make good on the bloody images he painted in his messages.

  Lumikki saw how what she was saying affected Blaze. She saw the desire to protect her that sparked in his eyes. She saw how Blaze’s hand inched across the table toward her own, ready to grab it.

  “Oh, and I have a boyfriend,” Lumikki quickly added.

  Blaze pulled his hand back and picked up his coffee cup, feigning nonchalance.

  “That’s great,” he said with a slanted smile.

  Lumikki hurried to tell him about all of Sampsa’s wonderful qualities. Blaze listened calmly. His expression seemed to say that he didn’t consider this boy a particularly important factor in Lumikki’s life. Lumikki was a bit offended. Did Blaze really think he could just waltz back into her life after pulling a stunt like disappearing for a year and that Lumikki would accept him with open arms and forget everything?