Blonde and Fabulous

by anna snow

  Her cheeks were flushed. She had bags under her eyes, a box of Kleenex in one hand, and a bottle of orange juice in the other. "I think I have the flu," she said, sounding like someone was holding her nose as she leaned her back against the door.

  She looked like a reject from that zombie show everyone was so crazy about. The Hobbling Dead? The Dead Walking? Something like that.

  "Why didn't you call me earlier?"

  She sniffled. "I thought it was just a migraine. Then it got so much worse." She handed her costume to me.

  "As the flu tends to do," I said drily as I helped her to the couch and sat her down. "How'd you get here? You didn't drive like this, did you?" I asked with concern.

  She shook her head then flinched and pressed her hand to her forehead. "I took a cab."

  "You should have stayed home." I laid her down on the couch and pulled her shoes off then covered her with a blanket.

  "We have a job to do tonight," she tried to argue.

  "No, not like this. You're too sick to even move. You're going to stay right here and rest," I said, sounding a little too much like a mom for my comfort. "I can take care of tonight."

  Normally Kelly would argue, but she just nodded and closed her eyes which told me she was sicker than she looked. Blue jumped onto the couch and curled up on Kelly's feet.

  I grabbed my purse and shoved the spare costume inside. "You just stay right there and rest," I said to Kelly, but she was already fast asleep. So I grabbed the long trench coat Mona had given me as a gag gift when I opened Jackson Investigations, engaged the alarm, and slipped out of the house.

  Darkness was falling, but the streetlights were shining brightly. I tried to pull the coat on as I hurried to the car without being seen in the absurd costume, but just as my luck would have it, Mr. Kasmire was standing on his lawn with his meaty hands propped on his hips and Buster at his feet.

  He took one look at me in the skanky cop uniform with one arm in the trench coat, the other trying to find the second armhole, the costume hat falling over my forehead and one eye, and he started waggling his finger at me like a principal who had just caught some students red-handed.

  "I knew it. I knew it!" he bellowed as he picked Buster up and hurried toward his house. "Come on, Buster. You don't need to see that mess." He was probably already on the phone to the few people who lived in the neighborhood, letting them know that a prostitute was living just down the street from them, or some similar bull. At that moment I didn't have time to worry about the rumors he was probably spreading. I just wanted to get the task at hand over and done with, out of this horrible costume, and into some yoga pants.

  I got into the car and sped out of the neighborhood toward Mandy's house, where we had made plans to meet. Despite traffic being thick, I turned onto Mandy's street with time to spare. Mona's car was parked beside Mandy's with Silas's behind hers, so I pulled in behind them.

  I hurried toward Mandy's house. Even though I had the trench coat on, after Mr. Kasmire's reaction, I felt exposed.

  I knocked once then let myself in.

  "What's with the coat?" Mandy asked as I stepped inside and closed the door then pressed my back against it.

  I opened the trench coat flasher style, and Mandy's eyes widened so much I thought they might pop out.

  "Holy cheese. That's what you have to wear tonight?" She laughed. "Glad I'm not you." She shook her head. "You couldn't pay me to wear that getup."

  I had the drive to Mandy's to think over the situation I currently found myself in. No matter how I looked at it, there was only one other plausible solution.

  "Well, actually, I can," I said and cringed.

  Mandy stood from the sofa and set her computer aside. "What are you talking about?" she asked, her voice rising. "And why isn't Kelly with you?"

  At that moment Mona and Silas stepped out of the kitchen. Silas looked like he'd just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine, and Mona was drying her hands on a pink towel. "What's going on?" she asked and looked back and forth between Mandy and me.

  Silas frowned. "Where's Kelly? I thought she was riding with you?"

  I pushed away from the door and flopped down onto Mandy's oversized recliner. The night hadn't even begun, and I was already exhausted.

  "I'm guessing you haven't talked to Kelly today?" I asked Silas.

  He shook his head. "No, I got a little busy at the gallery. What's the matter?"

  "Kelly is at my place. She showed up in a cab. Turns out that headache she had this morning was more than a headache. She has the flu," I explained.

  "Oh no. So, I guess you'll have to go undercover at the club another night, right?" Mandy asked. When I didn't answer, and Mona and Silas wouldn't make eye contact with either of us, I knew they knew exactly what I was thinking, and so did Mandy.

  She shook her head and backed up a few steps while waving her hands in the air in front of her. "No. Oh no, no, no. I don't work in the field. I can't! You know that better than anyone else. There's just no way. No," she said defiantly and crossed her arms over her chest while shaking her head. "No, you can't make me."

  A half an hour later, Mandy stomped out of her bedroom and frowned at me. "I can't believe you're making me do this," she grumbled then bent down and slid on the strappy high heels that completed the ghastly costume.

  "Believe me, I wouldn't if I had any other options—I mean any other options."

  Mona raised an eyebrow at me and propped her hand on her hip.

  "Any other option under fifty," I amended my statement. "You'd be off the hook," I said as I stood up and tugged at the hem of the miniscule skirt then straightened. "But the club owner, Roy, is expecting two girls, and I need someone inside with me to watch for anything I might miss while trying to get close to Fernando."

  "Barb, I just don't think I can do this," Mandy said in almost a whine.

  "You can do it. I believe in you," I said firmly, despite the fact that I had zero faith that we'd get through the night without some kind of incident—and having seen Mandy in action before, an incident neither one of us would get out of unscathed.

  "You're not going to let me out of this, are you?" she said then sighed. "Fine, but I'm not getting even remotely close to the target."

  "That's fine with me," I said before she changed her mind and ran off to lock herself in the bedroom. "All you have to do is act as a waitress, and if I can get close to Fernando, snap some pics with this pen cam." I pulled the pen camera I'd splurged on out of my purse and handed it to her.

  She took the tool and slipped it into the V of her cleavage.

  "Take a breath, girly," Mona said and patted Mandy on the back. "I'll be just outside in the car listening to everything, and Silas will be your muscle while you're inside."

  She straightened her skirt and blew out a breath. "Let's get this show on the road before I change my mind."

  Silas stepped out of the kitchen and joined us. "I called a doctor friend of mine. He's on his way over to your house right now to examine Kelly."

  "She was asleep when I left. She might not hear the door."

  He stuck his phone in his back pocket. "I called her, too. She's awake and waiting on him to get there."

  "Good," I said. "She really needs to see a doctor."

  As much as I would have liked to call the night a bust, go home, and take care of my bestie, I couldn't. So, the four of us loaded the suitcase of equipment into the back seat of my car then got inside. Mona sat in the back seat with Silas and set up the recording device she would use to listen in on our conversations while I drove us to the club.

  By the time we arrived, it was well after dark, and the parking lot of the Double Trouble Gentlemen's Club was packed. I pulled around to the back where the employee parking was located and snagged the last remaining spot.

  "Here you go, girls." Mona reached between the front seats and handed each of us a small black button-like piece of plastic. Mandy and I each took one and pinned it to the inside of our
tops toward the shoulder area, out of sight of prying eyes of the club patrons.

  We checked one final time to be certain the microphones weren't visible, and then I stepped out of the car and closed the door.

  "Testing. Can you hear me?"

  Mona rolled down the rear window and gave me a thumbs-up with one hand while holding one of the earpieces on the headphones she wore with the other then pressed the button to close the window. Mandy stepped out of the car next and repeated my actions.

  The window lowered again. "We're good to go girls. Good luck," Mona said.

  "I think it would be best if I went in through the front." Silas pulled on his suit jacket.

  "I agree. We'll see you inside," I said.

  Mandy and I watched Silas as he disappeared around the side of the building then shared a look over the top of the car. With a deep breath we walked toward the back entrance of the club and let ourselves in.

  "I wonder if that door is always unlocked," I said.

  "Would've made it incredibly easy for the killer to come and go without being seen." Mandy said what I was thinking.

  We stepped inside and were halfway down the hallway before anyone spotted us. Fortunately it was Cindy.

  "There you are." She smiled at us. "You look great." She motioned for us to follow her. "Come on, and I'll show you where to get started."

  I wished I felt as comfortable in the naughty cop costume as she obviously was, but I guess when you're six feet tall and look like a Roman goddess, being comfortable in minimal clothing came easily.

  She led us to the makeshift dressing room. At least a dozen scantily clad women flitted about in a flurry of activity. There were feather boas and body glitter as far as the eye could see. It was a virtual pervert's paradise.

  I had the fleeting thought that Kelly would've been in heaven with all of the makeup and high heels strewn about. Too bad she had to miss it.

  "Ladies!" Cindy called out and clapped her hands together.

  The women slowed their actions and turned to stare at us where we stood just inside the doorway. I felt a bit like a deer caught in headlights.

  "This is Tippy and Sandra." She motioned to us.

  Why in the hell did I have to be Tippy? I thought then brought my attention back to Cindy's introduction.

  "They're filling in tonight for Lilly and Paulette, who had some personal business to attend to, but rest assured they will be back on the floor tomorrow night. Make the new girls feel welcome," she said with a smile.

  The women all smiled at us politely, and some even said hello before going back to their earlier buzz of activity. In all honesty they really didn't seem all that interested in our presence.

  We stepped back out of the room into the hallway, and Cindy leaned down to speak where only Mandy and I could hear her. "Fernando isn't here yet, but it shouldn't be long before he arrives. He usually shows up at the peak of the night," she assured us. "But right now, there are a few of Kiki's and Tammy's regulars out there. They've been here for a little while and had a few drinks, so you might be able to get some information out of them, if they have any, without them becoming suspicious. Follow me."

  As we followed Cindy through the crowded room, she led us past a table loaded down with beer and surrounded by large, somewhat sweaty businessmen. They had ties loosened around their necks and big greasy smiles on their overly exuberant faces as two of the other dancers wiggled their everything in front of them.

  Cindy subtly nodded in their direction as we passed then led us on to the bar. "Originally I wasn't supposed to work tonight, so I traded nights with one of the other girls so that I could be here and help you if you need me."

  "Good thinking," I said.

  She handed us two pens and pads of paper on two round trays. "I'm sure you know how to take orders," she said. "Just bring the order back to me. I'll make the drinks. Then you take them back to the customers and hopefully catch a murderer in the process." She winked at me. "That's it." She shrugged. "Have fun."

  "Sounds simple enough," Mandy said in a nervous tone as she took the tray but left the pen on the bar.

  I leaned toward her and asked as she tapped the pen camera on the tray. "Do you remember how to use that?"

  She nodded. "Just point and click."

  "You'll be fine," I said. "Now, go get some info."

  She took a deep breath, plastered an obviously fake smile on her lips, and headed off in the direction of some men who had just taken seats at one of the only empty tables left in the club.

  As I followed Mandy's lead and started off to wait tables, I spotted Silas seated at a table on the opposite side of the room. He was, as I'd suspected he would be, surrounded by gyrating women. We made eye contact, and I knew right away that even though he looked thoroughly interested in the women shaking their booties for him, he wasn't. The job at hand was the only thing on his mind.

  I didn't want to hit up Kiki's and Tammy's regulars right off the bat. If I made a beeline for them, it might draw suspicion if the murderer was there watching us, so I worked a few tables in their vicinity before finally inching my way slowly to them. The song that was playing ended, and one of the dancers took her leave. The way she was gyrating with such enthusiasm and yet not the least bit out of breath, I couldn't help but wonder how many hours she spent at the gym a day. I was lucky if I could jog to the car without having to catch my breath once inside.

  "What can I get you handsome gentlemen?" I asked in a voice I hoped sounded playful but to me only sounded like Elmo on helium.

  One of the men wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me against his side. I had to fight the urge to reach down and crack him upside the head. You just don't put your hands on a woman without her permission.

  Just as I was trying to pull out of his grasp, someone stepped in.

  "You know better than to touch the ladies. Don't make me come over here again."

  I looked up at what had to be one of the tallest, most muscular men I'd ever seen.

  "Thanks," I said and knew I sounded more than a bit distracted. He was just so large and, if I cared to admit, handsome, with short black hair, caramel-colored skin, and eyes the color of strong coffee.

  "No problem. I'm Dillion. If you need anything, just let me know." He winked at me then walked away.

  "Why don't you trade in that top for something a little more comfortable, like oh, let's say…nothing?" the man who had hooked his arm around me said then looked at his friends and laughed like a sleazeball, completely unfazed by the bouncer's warning.

  I fought the urge to throw up a little in my mouth and forced a grin. "Sorry, sugar, but that's not my job."

  "That's too bad, darlin'. I sure wouldn't mind seein' a little more, or a lot more, of you." He waggled his eyebrows at me.

  There was a round of that's rights and show us the girls. When they realized I wouldn't, for any amount of cheers, free the puppies, they gave up and placed an order for a round of beers.

  I wound my way through the growing crowd and took the order back to Cindy at the bar then scanned the floor for Mandy. I finally spotted her across the room working like a pro and smiled. She was in her element. Multitasking like the Wonder Woman she was. I was impressed, and just a bit proud.

  Cindy took the order and filled the tray with bottles. "Anything yet?" she asked.

  I shook my head. "Nothing yet, but I just started talking to Kiki and Tammy's table of regulars."

  Cindy frowned. "Well, good luck. I see you met Dillion."

  "Yeah. Is he the only bouncer here?" I asked and scanned the crowd for the mountain of a man.

  "No, Bob is here somewhere, but Dillion is the friendlier, more diligent of the two."

  I fluffed my wig. "Do you think he might have any information that would help us?"

  She pursed her lips. "Possibly. He works almost every night. I can't believe I didn't think to mention him to you before. He's just such a fixture that I often forget about him being here, as horrible as th
at sounds." She grimaced.

  "No, I get it," I assured her. "I'll talk to him as soon as I get the chance. Do you have some gum back there?"

  "Sure do." She reached beneath the bar then handed me a piece.

  I popped the little square into my mouth. "Thanks."

  Another patron approached the bar, and Cindy stepped away, so I walked back to the table, careful not to spill the drinks on my tray along the way.

  I set the tray down and started passing around bottles. The girls who had been dancing for the men were now elsewhere, and there was a gorgeous woman on the stage doing moves that would put me in traction for the next year.

  "She's no Kiki, but she'll do," one of the guys said callously and sort of grunted a humorless laugh.

  "Or Tammy," the one who had grabbed me earlier said and raised his beer momentarily.

  I saw that as my opportunity to sneak in a few questions. "It's sad what happened to those ladies," I said and shook my head, doing my best to look upset.

  "Damn straight, honey. They were something," one man in a huge cowboy hat said.

  "Outstanding," said another.

  "Came in here and watched those girls every night they worked that we could get away from the wives, we did."

  It appeared Cowboy Hat was a little tipsy, so I pressed on. "I heard the cops don't have a clue who killed them. It's such a downer."

  "Not a single clue from what I heard," Mr. Grabby replied and shook his head. "It's a real shame. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt them girls. They were so sweet, and I'm not just saying that because they shook it for us like no one else. They were really nice women."

  So I heard, which didn't help me move the case along at all.

  "I heard that one of them had a real mean boyfriend. I'd put my money on him," Cowboy Hat said.

  So would I, if he wasn't already dead with a capital D.

  A third man who'd remained quiet up until that moment spoke up. "Well, I think one of the other girls did it." He was thinner than the other men at the table, with thick brown hair and a mustache that was so big I was afraid to get too close to him for fear I'd get lost in it, and Mona would have to send a search party into the mustache jungle.