I Didn't Expect to be Expecting (Ravinder Singh Presents)

by Richa S Mukherjee

  Now feeling indulged and emboldened, Radha rambled on, ‘Oh, very easy. When you want to watch a lot of dhishoom-dhishoom movies it’s a boy. When you eat a lot of khatta-meetha it’s a girl!’

  ‘Thank you, Radha,’ was all Abhi could muster before sending Radha along with her nonsensical theories.

  He shook his head in disbelief and sat next to me as my tears continued to fall.

  As he wiped my tears, I announced, ‘I just feel like crying.’

  His eyes swept over me and he asked me softly, ‘Is there any particular reason why you are having breakfast wearing your blouse and shoes, love?’

  ‘Oh that,’ I said matter-of-factly. ‘I don’t fit into any of my skirts or pants anymore. Not even the loose ones. So I decided to be comfortable in my skin. Isn’t that what they recommend?’

  ‘Well, I doubt people mean that literally. So is that the reason you are crying? Clothes don’t fit?’

  ‘I just told you, Abhi,’ I said testily. ‘And it’s a million other things that plague my mind every day.’

  ‘Why don’t you just wear one of the salwar-kameezes that Ma sent for you from Kolkata?’

  ‘None of them fit either. They are too big.’

  ‘Better bigger than smaller, right?’ he said while rubbing my back gently. ‘Just wear one of those for now. I’m sure you’ll look great.’

  1:45 p.m.

  I was summoned to Mr Vohra’s office in the afternoon. When I entered, his twitchy eyebrows, which were furrowed, suddenly eased up.

  ‘Hi Tara. Are you feeling alright today?’ he asked me with a smile.

  ‘Yes I am,’ I replied curtly, a tad annoyed by how everyone felt compelled to ask pregnant women this question.

  ‘I’ll get to the point, Tara. I know we were to discuss your appraisal, but I have nothing to say other than a great big “outstanding” for the two new businesses you’ve won and run, as well as the way you’ve handled your teams. I must also praise your drive and your initiative.’

  I was beaming. Who wouldn’t in the face of such a review? Still, I knew that a ‘but’ was coming up.

  ‘However, we have to be very pragmatic and organized given your current situation.’ He absentmindedly scratched under his wig and then cleared his throat.

  ‘You see, you will have your baby anytime now.’

  ‘Right now I can only deliver something that looks like a big tadpole. The baby will come after more than three months. But why are we discussing this in so much detail? Is there a problem?’

  ‘Not a problem, Tara, but we need to plan for your maternity leave. As in, who will take on your accounts while you are on leave.’

  ‘We have already planned that, a while ago. Two of my accounts will be handled by Rana and the other three by Pallavi.’

  ‘I think they have too much on their plates already. Don’t get upset, Tara. But I cannot take the slightest chance on such accounts, so I’ve brought in someone to take on all your businesses in your absence.’

  My jaw dropped. ‘You’ve hired someone in my place? For my job?’ I had a vague suspicion that I was sounding like an incensed and legless factory worker from a C-grade movie who was being replaced.

  ‘You have asked for six months’ leave at the moment, but in case you feel like you need more, I don’t want to be the one compelling you to come back when you need that time.’

  I was seething and glowering at him but I knew that I could not contest a thing that he had said. However, that did not change the fact that someone was coming to take my place just because I was pregnant.

  ‘Tara, say something.’

  I collected myself, stood up with as much dignity as I could muster, which was hard, since I really wanted to use the bathroom, and announced in a cordial but icy voice, ‘I can’t contest your decision since the reasons are valid. So I will keep my personal feelings to myself. I accept your decision.’

  I can best describe his expression as what he would have looked like with the discovery of natural hair on his head instead of his contrived, unruly wig. Relief flooded his face.

  ‘You truly are a team player, Tara. Pamela will be coming in next week and will need a month or two to take a handover from you.’ He beamed.

  ‘Pamela!’ I muttered on my way out. ‘Sounds just like a job-grabbing bimbo!’

  41

  Dham Dhaam. 7 July. 9:00 a.m.

  ‘I met those two interior designers you’d been hounding me to check out for the nursery,’ Abhi said while we ate breakfast.

  ‘All their themes were on farm animals,’ he continued. ‘Have you ever wondered why all entertainment for babies is centred around animals? I mean, what if Mary had a bicycle and not a little lamb? What if Baba Black Sheep was not a sheep but a revered Indian baba?’

  While Abhi pondered on these important issues, I was busy making small mountains of the scrambled eggs on my plate. I was through with the fifth perfectly created mound when he tapped my hand.

  ‘Still thinking about what Vohra told you yesterday?’ Abhi could always read my mind.

  I stroked my stomach with one hand distractedly. ‘You know, it’s not fair. I get pregnant and suddenly I have Pamela Anderson usurping my place, my accounts.’

  ‘I’m sure Pamela Anderson doesn’t want your job in the least.’

  ‘Oh, pish posh. Pamela whoever. I don’t care about her. I just can’t believe Vohra would do this to me.’

  ‘How about we play the let’s-give-this-a-few-days-and-see-how-you-feel game?’ Abhi suggested.

  ‘I know, I know. He doesn’t have an option and I would have probably done the same thing if I was in his position … But I feel so, so dispensable,’ I said, throwing my hands in the air. ‘And fat!’

  ‘Firstly,’ Abhi said, ‘you are so fantastic at what you do that they would be fools to let you go. And as for your second concern, you are pregnant, not fat. You look even more stunning now, if that’s possible, and I’m hot for you even as we speak!’

  ‘Sure you’re hot for me!’ I mimicked him. ‘So hot that you think you will break me if we get intimate. I’m still in my sixth month. Keep this up and I’ll call your mother to complain!’

  ‘I’ll show you how hot right now!’ He pulled me onto his lap and planted a slow, long, sensuous kiss on my lips.

  ‘Aiyyoo! Now the baby has come. What is need for all this!’ was all we managed to catch as an embarrassed Radha retreated into the kitchen while we chuckled in amusement.

  Dham Dhaam. 8 July. 11:00 a.m.

  ‘I will not meet that nose-digger.’

  ‘Mira.’

  ‘No, Tadi. This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m not a takeaway box of biryani to be parcelled off with any random guy!’

  ‘No one thinks you’re a box of biryani.’

  ‘And the worst part is you are with them on this.’

  ‘You silly girl!’ I said loudly, in an effort to silence her. ‘I did not choose to be part of this marry-Mira-to-the-nose-digger initiative. You should know better than that.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Tadi,’ she said, simmering down immediately. ‘I know that. I also know no one will understand this, but Rahul is a really nice guy.’

  ‘Mira, what’s more important right now? Figuring out what to do about your impending matrimonial future with Mr Nose-digger or my declaration of love for Raool?’

  ‘Fine!’ she said, sounding exasperated. ‘What should I do?’

  ‘Just stay calm. Let me talk to Mom and Dad again. I’ll figure out something.’

  Our Car. 9 July. 12:30 a.m.

  We were driving back from a small party that Shoma and Mani had hosted to celebrate the rip-roaring success of Shoma’s jewellery exhibition. It had been fun, but like clockwork, my eyes had glazed over with sleep at eleven. By twelve, I was ready to curl up on the floor, so we packed up and left.

  I had dozed off in the car again and woken up to see Abhi looking a bit pensive as he stared ahead at the road. I could see that something was bothering him �
� that twitch of the mouth, the pursed lips, the furrowed eyebrows, all delivering silent but undeniable testimony to the troubled state of his mind.

  ‘What are you thinking about, Abhi?’

  ‘Huh?’ he said, torn out of his reverie, his ready smile back in place. ‘Nothing really.’ He shrugged his shoulders casually.

  ‘Right. And I’m Nagesh Kukunoor.’

  ‘Hi Nagesh.’ He laughed and then shook his head. ‘Fine! Who am I trying to fool here.’

  ‘So spill.’

  ‘Well, it hasn’t been a great quarter. We’ve lost a few big businesses, so I doubt we’ll get any increments or bonuses.’

  ‘But Abhi, that is always the case. Accounts come and go.’

  ‘True. But this year has been exceptionally bad. Then there are the car and home loans. Add to that the baby expenses, new maid expenses and…’ Then he saw my anxious face and smiled. ‘No big deal, really. It will all figure itself out. See, you were busy drooling away so I started thinking of these stupid things. Now dry that seat, will you!’

  ‘Poor baby,’ I said, contrite. ‘You’re thinking about how we will manage everything on a single salary with baby expenses if I take a longer unpaid leave? I’ve been so busy being pregnant and thinking of myself that we haven’t even discussed any of this. Hey, wait a minute! Maybe I can take less leave. I’ll take leave only for two months and then we can shift close to my office so I can intermittently go back home when I need to feed RJ.’

  ‘I have a better idea. Why don’t I speak to the hospital so we can set up a workstation for you in the labour room? Maybe RJ can say hi to your clients in the recovery room?’

  RJ possibly found this suggestion hilarious and kicked in response. I, on the the other hand, was undeterred. ‘I’m serious.’

  ‘T, there is only that much one can plan. Remember, one day at a time. I was just having a random anxious moment.’

  ‘Even so. Talk to me about anything that’s on your mind. You always do. Don’t you dare give me the “poor pregnant woman” routine.’

  ‘Duly registered!’ said Abhi with a smile.

  That said, I shut my eyes and dozed off to dream of the three of us sitting with shiny steel beggar bowls outside Peerbhoy’s clinic!

  42

  Phoenix Mills Mall, Parel. 10July. 12:30 p.m.

  Abhi and I had decided to meet for lunch at the mall’s food court.

  ‘Who are you staring at so intently?’ Abhi asked me while setting down the drinks and souvlakis on the table.

  ‘Abhi, do you think I will be a decent mother?’

  ‘You’re suddenly pondering over this at a food court because?’

  ‘Nothing in particular,’ I said, taking a huge bite. ‘I’ve been looking around, observing other mothers and it seems like being one is a bloody truckload of work and patience. And a lot of it seems intuitive. What if I run out of patience when RJ drives me up the wall and start acting like an evil stepmother?’ Lowering my voice, I leaned in conspiratorially. ‘I have a chequered past, you know. When I was growing up, I used to beat up kids that irritated me.’

  Abhi leaned in as well. ‘This is serious. I’ll make sure to report you later to the CBI for your criminal past, but for now, I can assure you that you are a changed woman and will do just great!’

  I silently processed that along with the bite I had just taken.

  ‘By the way, how was your pre-natal class this morning?’

  ‘Ho-hum.’

  ‘Well, they don’t know that they have the super-fit Mrs Roy in their midst who could actually take a class herself. But I suggest, stick with it. You might just start liking it.’

  ‘I mean it’s not as if the yoga sessions are bad. But after four exercises, the gyaan sessions commence. Breathe deep! Very deep! Deeper still and find yourself! I found myself, had a cup of tea and returned to pavilion but lo and behold, they were still asking us to breathe deep!’

  ‘Just let go and have fun!’

  ‘Talking about letting go, easy on the ogling, buddy. Who is that woman?’ I said, following Abhi’s gaze. ‘Wait a minute. She isn’t even that cute! And … did you just wave to her? Abhi … what’s…?’

  Abhi smiled mysteriously and wiped away a stray morsel from the side of my mouth.

  ‘Surprise.’

  ‘Well this behaviour does come as a surprise but…’

  ‘Shhhhh,’ he said, putting a finger on my lips. ‘Welcome to your surprise shopping day.’

  ‘My what!’

  ‘My T can’t feel odd and uncomfortable. Ever. That lady is someone who will help you with your shopping today. I called in a favour from a friend at the OND store. They have laid out everything for you. Just go and pick your new wardrobe, dazzle the world and show them how stunning my beautiful pregnant wife can look.’

  I was stunned. He stared at me looking surprised. ‘Why do you look sad? Aren’t you happy?’

  I lifted my ample self off the chair, deposited myself onto Abhi’s lap and gave him a long kiss while the people around us gaped. I then pulled back and looked into Abhi’s slightly confused face as tears trickled down my face. ‘I love you so much.’

  Dham Dhaam. 7:00 p.m.

  I felt like an evil stepdaughter, plotting behind my parents’ back, but I had to help Mira.

  I dialled her number and she picked up on the second ring.

  ‘Were you watching the phone?’ I asked her, amused.

  ‘Tadi, get to the point please.’

  ‘Okay then, you smooth talker,’ I said. ‘I spoke with Mom and Dad.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And I told them you have agreed to meet with Ritwick.’

  ‘How does that solve anything?’

  ‘Listen. You are meeting him only to convince Mom and Dad that you are willing to look beyond Raool. So just meet him, make them happy and meanwhile we will find a reason for them to say no to him.’

  ‘Hmmm. Right, so…’ her voice trailed off.

  ‘Knock-knock. Here I am betraying my poor trusting, ageing parents because of you and you can’t even pretend to be interested in what I am saying.’

  ‘No, nothing of the sort, Tadi.’ I heard some clicking on a keyboard. ‘Can you please access Ritwick’s profile on Facebook? Right now.’

  ‘Now turn me into a stalker as well,’ I grumbled.

  After a couple of clicks on my laptop, I was staring at a handsome young man with the ghost of certain features I remembered from his nose-digging days.

  ‘Quite handsome, I must say. You’ll have good-looking babies!’

  The dismissive grunt from the other end was indicative enough of Mira’s thoughts on my comment.

  ‘He looks alright. But some hundred selfies. It’s as if he doesn’t have any friends. What if he is mentally compromised and kills people?!’

  ‘The only person sounding mentally compromised at the moment is you. Stop this stalking nonsense. It’s pointless. He is coming over next Sunday and Mom and Dad will be here on the weekend as well. Plan your schedule accordingly. Oh, and he doesn’t know you “milk cows for a living” so please come up with a befitting and acceptable descriptor for what you do before you meet. Mom’s orders.’

  ‘Oh, I’ll do whatever Mom wants me to,’ she said sweetly. Too sweetly. I could almost imagine her fangs sinking into Ritwick’s jugular. And with a maniacal wicked-witch-like laugh, she hung up. I was already feeling bad for the poor chap.

  43

  Richard & Davis Advertising Agency. 13 July. 10:30 a.m.

  Sania was sulking at my desk when I walked in.

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’ I exclaimed. ‘How is it possible for two people to fight this much!’

  ‘Well. I can’t call it a fight. It was just c#####a.’ She sighed.

  ‘Did you do something stupid again?’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ she said, scowling.

  ‘So what’s the matter now?’

  ‘I’m just wondering what it is that Kabir is not telling m
e. He has been so evasive since the last few days. He is always busy. Always distracted. Even sneaky.’

  ‘Stop overanalysing everything! Maybe it’s work related.’ I shrugged.

  She suddenly stood up and shook her hair vigorously, which reminded me of the cow I had seen outside the office this morning, trying desperately to chase away the hundreds of flies relaxing atop its horns.

  ‘You’re right. I’m behaving like a fool. Enough! I’m getting back to work now.’ And she walked out, tea in hand, her clattering heels echoing her resolution.

  Dham Dhaam. 14 July. 8:00 a.m.

  It had not been a great night.

  My back was hurting. I had tossed and turned all night and gone to the bathroom a million times. And when I finally fell asleep, RJ decided to start up a small Kathak performance inside. I woke up irritable, in a murderous mood, but then Abhi’s arms closed around me like a deterrent dam over raging waters. For some inexplicable reason, I felt calmer. That familiar arm. It was like my personal map. The spots, the rise and fall of skin, the craters of bruises, a path I knew every inch of. A smile crept out of nowhere. I hugged his arm tight.

  ‘Easy, tigress!’ Abhi moaned as he tried to extricate his now twisted arm trapped in my fierce embrace.

  ‘Oh sorry!’ I eased my hold as he brought his second arm around and rested it on my tummy. Then he started his daily ritual of massaging and caressing my tummy softly.

  ‘I think RJ has started enjoying this early morning treat,’ he whispered.

  ‘I can’t speak for RJ, but if I enjoy this treat any longer I’ll surely get in the mood and then you’ll run away like a little baby and upset me,’ I warned.

  ‘T, you know we need to be careful.’

  ‘Not this careful, Abhi! Besides, do you know that because of those raging hormones, I am always in the mood? You’re just depriving me of my right. Shame on you!’

  ‘Oh come on, that’s not fair,’ he said, planting a kiss on the ticklish portion of my neck.

  I got up and pulled away, wagging my finger at him. ‘Keep me in deprivation mode and one day you will find me in bed with another man when you get back from work.’