by J. H. Croix
Every time my mind shied away from thoughts about Susannah, what she meant to me, and the glaring fact that I was soon to be a father, she was like a boomerang in my brain. As soon as I tried to think about something else, my thoughts swung right back to her and our baby. Snagging the soap, I soaped up and rinsed off and then stood there under the hot water, wishing I could get through to her. Although I might be shaken by it, I didn’t doubt how much she meant to me. Yet, I could feel the walls around her.
I felt great when I was with Susannah. Hell, the sex… Out. Of. This. World. I loved falling asleep beside her and waking up beside her. As long as we were tangled up, bare naked, with me buried deep inside of her, I didn’t sense those walls she kept up.
The moment that wasn’t happening, I could practically see the wheels start turning in her brain and the reinforcements go up around her. With a sigh, I turned off the water and walked past the rest of the guys washing away today’s fire. I wasn’t much for chatting, although that wasn’t particularly unusual. Yet, I needed advice. I couldn’t even believe I was thinking that thought. After I was dressed, I snagged a cup of coffee and strolled down the back hallway, relieved to discover Beck was in his office.
Knocking the back of my knuckles against his open door, I waited until he glanced up. “Got a minute?” I asked.
Beck leaned back in his chair where he sat at a small round table in his office. “Of course,” he said, waving me in.
Stepping into his office, I nudged the door shut with a heel of my boot. He straightened from where he sat. “Uh oh, is this serious?”
Because it was Beck and he was incapable of resisting the urge to tease, he wagged his eyebrows at me. I shrugged and stepped past his desk. I had no idea why he even bothered with a desk. I’d never seen him sit at it. In fact, it was empty with the exception of a phone. He kept his laptop on the small table where I slipped into a chair across from him.
“I’d offer coffee, but I see you already got some. What’s up?” he asked.
On the heels of a deep breath and fortifying sip of coffee, I leaned back in my chair. “Got a question for you.”
“Throw it at me.”
“So remember how I mentioned Susannah was pregnant?”
“Kinda hard to forget that news bomb,” Beck replied with a low chuckle. “I see she put in for light duty. Already hearing questions about what’s up with that around the station. I’m sure you are too.”
I nodded. “Of course. It’ll be up to her to sort out what she wants to say to who and when. Anyway, I could use a little advice. For what it’s worth, I can’t fucking believe I’m asking for advice. Not really my thing.”
Beck flashed his ever-ready grin. “You know me. I love to give advice. Not saying it’s worth much though.”
“Well, I figure you’re my best bet. You’re the only guy around I know who’s had a baby recently.”
Beck’s grin shifted from teasing to flat out proud. “Damn straight. Max is great. Having a baby is the best thing we ever did. Also terrifying, seriously terrifying,” he said earnestly.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You don’t say?”
His gaze sobered. Closing his laptop, he leaned his elbows on the table, giving me his full attention. “Not sure what you need, but feel free to ask.”
Running a hand through my damp hair, I eyed him. “Hell, I don’t even know what I need to ask. I guess I need some advice on how to deal with this whole thing. Susannah…” I paused because I didn’t quite know how to explain the problem. Whatever, I’d dive straight into it. “If I’m trying to sum it up, it’s that I know this is serious for me and Susannah and that has nothing to do with having a baby. But she keeps her distance unless, well, unless we’re having sex. I don’t know how… Fuck. Basically, I don’t know what the hell to do to get her to realize this matters for us.”
Beck was quiet, his gaze thoughtful. “Here’s the thing, my situation’s a little different from yours. I mean, Maisie and I are married. I suppose, a lot of this depends on what the deal is with you and Susannah. Not that I think you guys need to get married. That’s a piece of paper. It’s more, well, are you a sperm donor? Or a father? Are you serious about her?”
Beck’s three questions had been a near mirror of the questions spinning in circles in my mind the last few weeks. Meeting his steady gaze, I took a gulp of coffee and sighed. “Well, I’m definitely not a sperm donor. I didn’t plan this, but I’ll be a father. I can’t imagine having a baby and not being a part of their life. Susannah, well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love her. Problem is, every time anything even gets close to serious, she manages to change the subject. It’s a damn miracle she asked me to come to the doctor’s appointments, and I could tell by the look on her face she wasn’t so sure about that either.”
“Well, if you love her, tell her.”
“Ah, so I’ll just tell her that, and it’ll all be peaches,” I said wryly.
Beck flashed his grin again. “You’d better say something. Soon. Even though I’d do anything for Maisie and she damn well knows it, she was moody as hell during her pregnancy. Still is. Max is almost five months old now, and she said the other day she’s finally starting to feel halfway normal now. Not a hormonal mess. Her words not mine.”
Beck eyed me for a long moment. “Look man, I don’t know what Susannah wants either. Having a baby is about as serious as it gets. I had to boss Maisie into taking me seriously. I’m sure you’ll survive,” he offered with a low laugh.
I stared at him and felt myself nodding, but I could hardly think over the rushing sound in my head. It was as if I was caught in a riptide with no choice but to swim through it and hope for the best. I managed to respond to him with some semblance of normal conversation, but I was knocked sideways inside and out.
Leaving Beck’s office not much later, I felt even more unsettled than I had before. Because the thing was, I was balancing on a knife’s edge with Susannah. My instinct was to demand she face the reality—she belonged to me. Yet, she was so damn independent. I knew in my bones if I got too demanding, she’d push me away. My reaction to that was visceral—my heart clenched and emotion clogged my throat like a vise, nearly choking me.
Possessiveness wasn’t something I had experienced before. But with Susannah, the idea of keeping my distance and the reality that might open the door for someone else in her life—ever?
I had one response to that. Hell. No.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Susannah
I dashed through the rain, nudging the door to the grocery store open with my elbow. Throwing the hood on my jacket back once I walked in, I snagged a cart and started making my way through the store. As with basically any moment when I wasn’t completely preoccupied, my mind skipped between two tracks – Ward and our baby.
My obsession this morning – whether our baby was a boy or a girl, and how to decide on a name. Oh, and whether or not to include Ward in that decision making process. I also needed to talk to my parents and let them know what was going on. Because my parents were supportive and found a way to cheer me on even when I didn’t make the best decisions, I knew they’d be awesome about it, if not a little startled and confused.
I was generally a responsible person. It wasn’t like I wanted to explain how wild and crazy that night of sex had been with Ward. Close as I was to both of my parents, that topic was off limits. As with all of my thoughts these days, this train looped right back around to Ward.
Dammit, can’t you think of anyone other than him?
No, apparently not.
Topic of the second: when and how to introduce Ward to my parents. And how would I explain him? Did I say he was my boyfriend? Did I say he was an accidental sperm donor? Fuck. I was a mess.
This was the whole problem. Just like Lucy said. I needed to be straight with him.
Rounding the end of one of the aisles, I glanced up when I heard my name. Chad Meyer was standing in front of the beer section, which h
appened to be right before the egg section. I’d never figure out the rhyme or reason to grocery store organization. But that was the least of my concerns. The last person I wanted to see right now, or at any time for that matter, might’ve been Chad if I’d given him the favor of taking up space in my mind. Ugh.
Despite all of my mixed feelings about how to deal with Ward as the new superintendent of my crew, he’d proved me right about his leadership by promptly firing Chad. The entire crew had been relieved by his decision.
Ward had been smart about it too. He’d made sure to include Beck and Cade in the decision and in the meeting. Ward, of course, hadn’t discussed it with me, nor had I expected that. All of the guys at the station respected Beck and Cade completely. Like myself, they’d also grown up here in Willow Brook. That gave them a level of cachet and respect, if only because everyone at the station knew so much about them and many of the crewmembers had known them for years.
Running into Chad right now? Not exactly what I wanted to deal with. Chad had also been the equivalent of a gnat as far as hitting on me. Rex Masters and Al, our former crew superintendent, had once pulled me aside last year to check in. Chad’s pursuit of me had been that obvious. They wanted to make sure I felt okay coming to them if he was a problem.
I’d been fine. Frankly, it had annoyed me to have them worry I couldn’t handle it myself. Looking back, I realized they were only trying to make sure I knew they had my back. Chad had dialed it down after the last time I told him to fuck off, but he never gave up the chase altogether. He struck me as the kind of guy who fed off of anything he perceived as a challenge. By turning him down, I’d unintentionally become a challenge he wanted to beat.
Meeting Chad’s flat brown gaze, which always held a hint of anger, I smiled tightly and kept on moving. “Hey Chad,” I said casually as I walked past him with my cart.
My cart came to an abrupt, swinging stop when he gripped the side of it quickly. I hadn’t been moving that fast, but had just enough momentum going to bump into the cart. Reflexively, I curled my arm over my belly.
Annoyed, I cast my eyes sideways. “Here for a reason Chad, and it’s not to socialize.”
He smiled, a smile that never quite reached his eyes. “How about dinner?” he asked.
“No.” I reached over and tried to knock his hand off, but he didn’t budge, only tightening his grip on the side of the cart.
“We don’t work together now. No convenient excuse anymore,” he said flatly.
“Like I’ve told you many times before, whether we work together or not, we’re not having dinner, we’re not having lunch, we’re not having breakfast, and we’re not doing anything together. Not interested,” I said firmly, not even bothering to try to be polite.
Furious, I reached up and gave his knuckles a hard knock. He only tightened his grip again with a grim smile.
“Chad, let go.”
I was about to open my mouth again when I felt Ward approaching me from behind. That was how familiar I’d become with Ward. I could sense his presence without even seeing him. Relief washed over me. I wasn’t scared of Chad, but he was a fucking asshole, and an entitled asshole to boot. I might not want to admit that sometimes it was nice to have a man around, but right now it was. Unlike me, Ward was bigger, taller and stronger than Chad.
Ward stopped at my side. His eyes flicked to me briefly and then to Chad. “Pretty sure I just heard her ask you to let go,” he said, his voice low with a hint of danger.
Because I was getting quite familiar with how Ward felt, I knew he was furious right now. He was fairly vibrating with fury.
Chad, being the idiot he was, still didn’t let go of my cart. He sneered at Ward. “What the hell are you gonna do about it? You’re not my boss anymore. Did you forget that?”
Ward’s eyes narrowed. He reached over, curled his hand over Chad’s arm, his grip closing down. “I didn’t forget a thing. Actually, it’s better I’m not your boss anymore. I don’t have to be professional about this. Get your fucking hands off of her cart and leave her alone.”
Ward must’ve squeezed down hard enough to cause Chad a hint of pain. Chad’s cheeks reddened, and he swore as he yanked his hand away.
“Fuck you. Fuck you both. Speaking of fucking, I know you want a piece of that,” Chad said, jutting his chin in my direction.
For a flash, I worried Ward would haul off and hit Chad right here in the grocery store. But, he was a controlled man. With his fists balled at his sides and his eyes dark, he simply stated, “Get the hell away from her. Now.”
Conveniently, someone turned into the aisle, a mother with three children clustered around her hips. Chad took the opportunity to stride away quickly. Ward watched as he walked away, only turning to me when Chad was out of sight. His eyes coasted over me, the concern contained in his gaze sending my pulse off like a rocket and a curl of warmth around my heart.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Of course. Chad was just being an ass, but then he’s always an ass. We didn’t talk about it, but you might want to know the crew’s happy you fired him.”
Ward simply nodded, his gaze still considering. “Did he ask you out?”
His question startled me. I finally shrugged because it wasn’t exactly news that Chad had chased after me last year. “Yeah. He’s been on me for about a year. He used to think I was saying no because we worked together. Didn’t matter that I told him every single time I wasn’t interested.”
Ward’s eyes darkened—like the sky on a stormy day. Another family turned down the aisle, a little boy running past us and calling out, “Candy!”
Ward curled his hands on the cart handle. “Let’s finish shopping.”
Although this definitely wasn’t the time or place, my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own. “Let’s? Let’s make one thing clear. I was here shopping. On my own. I can certainly finish by myself.”
His gaze was implacable. If he was rattled at all by my comments, it didn’t show.
“I’m here now,” was all he said.
“And what does that mean?”
That question seemed to pierce him. Narrowing his eyes, he stared at me. After a beat, he replied, “Don’t push me away for something as minor as helping you with groceries.”
Although a part of me was ready to argue the point, I was suddenly tired. I was too emotionally out of whack to make sense of any of this right now. I just wanted to finish shopping and go home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ward
Unbeknownst to Susannah, I’d ended up at the grocery store when I saw her car in the parking lot. My wheels had practically turned on their own. I just couldn’t resist the draw.
Right now, as I stood behind her car unloading groceries into the back, I was fucking furious. Not with her. Rather, I was angry with Chad and with myself. As soon as I turned down that aisle and saw the look on his face, I’d known he was pressuring her again. It had taken most of my discipline not to walk up and clock him in the face.
I was furious with myself because I couldn’t fucking control myself when it came to Susannah. Even though I could actually tell myself it was clear she wasn’t interested in Chad, I was jealous. Me. Jealous!
Never in my fucking life had I been jealous. Oh, I’d seen assholes hit on women that I dated before and plenty of women I was friends with. My reaction was about the same either way. Back off. But that was it. More of a friendly, leave them the hell alone kind of vibe.
With Susannah? Oh, hell no. That was all that went through my head. That and…
Mine.
Meanwhile, I planned on following her home to help unload the groceries. I sensed she was trying to assess where I was at with things. I knew exactly how I felt, but I would bide my time until she was ready to deal with it.
I generally considered myself a respectful man. I’d never been one of those guys who didn’t think women could be hotshot firefighters. Trust me when I tell you, there were plenty of guys like that. Not
me. Women were strong, fearless, and often smarter than men in a pinch. Because they didn’t have brute strength on their side, they had to think smart.
Never once when I was training with Susannah, or working with any of the other female firefighters I’d worked with, had I felt the need to protect them. No more so than a general sense of wanting to protect anyone I worked with.
But now? With Susannah, I was a fucking caveman. I didn’t want her to lift anything heavy. I didn’t want her to put herself in danger in any way. Hell, I didn’t even want her to be stressed out, not even a little. I supposed I should consider the fact I might be a source of stress for her, what with my simple existence in her life. But that wasn’t a place I wanted to go right now.
She looked a little tired, which made sense. I knew precisely what, or rather who, had interfered with her sleep last night. Me. Although she was the one who started it this time.
After closing the hatch on her car, I wheeled the cart to the front of the store. It had started to drizzle after I left the station. When I returned to her car, she was standing at the back with her arms crossed, oblivious to the soft rain falling.
“What are you doing?” she asked
I shrugged. “Helping you unload the groceries at your house.”
She actually laughed, shaking her head slowly. “I can handle it, you know.”
“So can I,” I countered with a grin.
She laughed again, her cheeks flushing. “Fine. I can’t seem to say no to you.”
Relief rolled through me. Climbing in my truck, I followed her back out to her house, wrestling with my impatience. I wanted to push the point with her.