by J. H. Croix
Lucy reached across the table, squeezing my hand and handing me another tissue while she was at it. Seeing as I’d nearly shredded the one in my hand, that was a good thing.
“Back to square one. You have to figure out what you want. But we’re here no matter what, and if he’s an asshole, we’ll kick his ass for you,” Lucy said.
Scanning the table, a little bubble of joy rose inside. I had awesome friends, and they could actually kick Ward’s ass if needed. Maybe not independently, but certainly as a unit.
Driving home later that night, I wondered if Ward was at his place or mine. He’d been staying at mine so often, we didn’t really talk about it anymore. I told him I was meeting friends tonight, but that was it.
When I rolled to a stop at the end of my driveway, I was relieved to see his truck there. Because no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was nothing more than me being sex crazed and pregnant, somewhere in the corners of my heart, I knew I’d miss him if he weren’t here.
Walking inside, I found Ward stretched out on the couch, sound asleep. I took the moment to simply look at him. Even in sleep, he was just so damn handsome. His chiseled features were stark in the shadowed light and his dark curls tousled. My eyes traveled down over his body. Even relaxed, every inch of him was sculpted. His T-shirt and jeans did little to mask the raw strength he exuded.
As if he felt me looking at him, his eyes opened—that silvery, smoky gaze locking with mine. My belly flipped, flutters spinning wildly.
On a burst of courage, I sank my hips onto the coffee table, clasping my hands together and finally asking the question I should’ve asked weeks ago. It was bad enough I didn’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t even know what he wanted. “What do you want?”
He arched a brow. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“With us?”
The moment felt heavy and uncertain. As he stared at me in the soft light cast from a lamp in the corner, he didn’t reply. Not at first. After what felt like forever, but was probably only a few minutes, he reached over, his hand sliding over my knee and down my calf. I hadn’t even noticed I was nervously wiggling my foot.
“You,” he finally said.
One simple word—so clear, so confident, and so possessive.
Emotion thickened in my throat, and I swallowed, trying to beat back the sense of panic rising inside.
I said nothing. Emotions pummeled me—relief, confusion, frustration. Part of me savored how alpha he was—stating so clearly what he wanted. That same part of me thrilled to the idea it was me he wanted. Yet, I was simultaneously annoyed at how susceptible I was to this. Uncertain how to corral the jumble of emotions inside, I didn’t reply and turned to look out the window behind me, my courage deflated. The sun had fallen below the horizon, leaving streaks of fading pink in its wake.
All of a sudden, I needed to throw up. Dashing to the bathroom, I was almost annoyed when Ward followed me, brushing my hair back from my face as I vomited into the toilet.
Somehow, it only made it worse that he was so solicitous. Because that was part of what snagged on the corners of my heart and wouldn’t let go.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Ward
I nudged the door open with my shoulder, pushing through into the front reception area at the station. With a cup of coffee in one hand and a stack of paperwork in the other, I approached the reception desk. As usual, Maisie was busy, typing away on her computer and responding to a call, something to do with a cat and an excavator.
Maisie glanced up, and I arched a brow because I couldn’t help but wonder who the hell she was talking to. She almost started laughing, but she narrowed her eyes and glared at me instead. I turned away, leaning my hips against her desk and taking a long sip of coffee.
Willow Brook Fire & Rescue was on Main Street, close to the center of town. The town was getting busier by the day right now. I hadn’t actually visited Willow Brook during my stint up here on firefighting duty a few years back. Yet, I’d heard it was one of many towns in Alaska whose population exploded in the summer. We were well into spring at this point and the tourists kept pouring into town. At the moment, Main Street was bustling with people walking amongst the cutesy shops and restaurants. The variety of tourists was wide—some came simply to enjoy the view and shop, others came for light outdoor activities, while others were hard core and used the location as a launching pad for points all across Alaska for hiking, biking, camping, hunting, fishing and more.
I heard Maisie end her call and turned around. “A cat?” I asked.
She rolled her eyes, removing her headset and setting it on the desk beside her keyboard. “Yes, a cat. That was Carrie Dodge. We’re trying to train her to stop using her excavator to get her cat Herman out of trees.”
“Huh?”
Maisie smiled wryly. “Yeah, she has her own excavator and she got stuck in it once when it fell in a ditch. If you haven’t been out there yet, you will. Herman likes getting stuck in trees. I already called Beck, and he promised me he’d swing by. He’ll deal with it.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I loved the fact that Willow Brook was small enough to feel like family. While I had grown up in a small town in Montana, it had expanded by leaps and bounds until it no longer felt small. It was nice to be somewhere like that again.
The next thought dancing along the edges of my mind was that I might just want to stay here beyond my two year commitment. It had occurred to me many, many times that with Susannah’s family here, it was highly likely our child would be raised here.
Before I could shy away from that train of thought, my heart gave that odd tumble that happened whenever I thought about Susannah. My mind spun back to the other night when she asked what I thought about us. I knew exactly what I wanted and said as much. She’d pulled back and gone quiet again. My frustration was mounting. I’d been on the verge of demanding she stop denying what was so clear—the connection between us was too powerful to ignore. But she’d gotten sick again, putting a quick end to our conversation, or lack thereof.
Taking a fortifying gulp of my coffee, I handed over the order paperwork Maisie had shown me how to fill out. Holding it in hand, she flipped through the pages, quickly scanning it. She looked up with a grin. “Perfect!”
“Hey, I know how to follow orders.”
She grinned again. For a beat, she held my gaze, and I sensed she was considering something. “So I hear you’re going to be a father,” she said, promptly shocking the hell out of me.
Susannah was starting to show, and I knew she was close friends with Maisie. It only stood to reason her friends would know. I managed a nod and then took another sip of coffee, masking the need to reply right away.
Maisie didn’t let me off the hook though. “Just so you know, you’d better treat Susannah right. She’s awesome. I know this was a surprise for both of you, but things get serious fast when there’s a baby involved.”
Despite the urge to run, I forced myself to face her. Because she had a point, a very good one. The awkward part was I was crystal clear about what I wanted. I was fully committed to Susannah and our baby. Yet, I had no clarity on where Susannah stood. Here I had her friend confronting me when she had nothing to worry about. Throwing caution to the wind, I figured I’d lay it on the line.
“Look, I’ll be straight with you. I love Susannah, and I’m not going anywhere. I might have been surprised about the baby, but I can roll with it. Problem is, I’m not so sure what Susannah wants.”
Maisie stared at me, her mouth dropping open. After a beat, she snapped it shut and cocked her head to one side. “Damn. Well then. I wasn’t giving you enough credit.”
“It’s not like you’ve known me long. Any suggestions on how to get Susannah to believe this is more than…?” My words trailed off. I might be blunt, but I had some respect. I wasn’t about to go into how hot things were between the sheets.
Maisie smiled slowly, a gleam in her eyes. “Right. I get your point. H
ow do you get her to believe this is more than sex? Tell her how you feel.”
“I did,” I replied quickly.
“You told her you loved her?”
“Well, not exactly that.”
Maisie rolled her eyes. “I might not have known you long, but I get the sense you’re used to getting what you want. You can’t just claim she’s yours and make it so. You’re gonna have to talk about your feelings.”
My heart gave a flip. I didn’t want to admit it, but she’d zeroed in on it. I was used to getting what I wanted. This might be the first time in my life I wanted a woman the way I wanted Susannah. Certainly, the first time I’d wanted a family. But there was absolutely no question in my mind and heart what I wanted. Yet, I was more about staking my claim, not chatting about my feelings.
I threw a sheepish grin Maisie’s way. “Point taken.”
“Something else you’d better consider. You need a plan for how you’re going to explain it to the crew. As far as I’m concerned, that’s more your responsibility than hers,” she said pointedly.
“Damn. You’re not letting me off easy.”
Maisie shrugged. “Nope. It is what it is.”
I knew she was right. I took a breath, leaning my elbow on the counter to the side of her desk. “I know, but I keep thinking I need to follow her lead on that.”
I couldn’t believe I was about to ask Maisie for advice, but I was that desperate. “Any suggestions?”
Her wide brown eyes held mine for a long beat before she nodded slowly. “Sure. Tell her how you feel and respect her wishes,” she said flatly. “She’s just as surprised as you are by all of this, so keep that in mind.”
It occurred to me that Maisie might be able to give me a few suggestions about Susannah’s pregnancy. Every time I tried to ask her questions, she brushed me off. I knew she was having bouts of sickness more than I’d like to see. Strangely, it didn’t have the slightest effect on our sex life. We couldn’t seem to be in the same bed together without that happening.
“Mind if I ask you a question?”
“Go for it,” Maisie said.
“Did you have morning sickness?”
Her brown curls bounced when she nodded. “Is it bad for her?”
Rubbing a hand through my hair, I sighed. “I don’t have anything to compare it to. That’s why I’m asking you. Seems to happen every other day or so, and I don’t know why it’s called morning because it happens in the afternoon too.”
Maisie smiled softly. “I’ve only been pregnant once and my doctor—who by the way is the same doctor Susannah has—said it varies for everyone. She also said it usually gets better after the first trimester.”
“If my math is right, she’s almost through that.”
At that moment, the door to the front of the reception area opened and Susannah walked through. I couldn’t help it, the moment I saw her, my body tightened. She was so damn beautiful. Her strawberry blonde hair was loose today, her curls falling in a messy tousle around her shoulders and face. Her checks were flushed from the cool spring air. When she looked up and saw me standing beside Maisie, she looked slightly confused, but flashed a quick smile.
As she unzipped her windbreaker, my eyes flicked down to her belly. She was definitely starting to show. Not a lot, but enough that anyone who knew her well would notice.
“Hey there,” she said casually as she approached us, leaning her elbows on the counter to the side of Maisie’s desk beside me.
Maisie grinned. “Hey, what’s up?”
Susannah sighed with a slight roll of her eyes. “I’m helping Rex today. Apparently, he’s got a bunch of stuff for me to work on in the computer files.”
Maisie threw her a rueful smile. “Sorry. He’s having you help on a project that’s been taking me forever because I never have time. He wants to transition all of the old files for the police station into an electronic record. It’s pretty tedious. Plus, the station’s been around since the 1940’s. That’s a lot of records. I’d have thought it would’ve been more boring around here back then.”
Susannah laughed softly. “No, this place was close to lawless back then. There was always something happening.”
Maisie’s gaze coasted over her. “How are you feeling? Ward mentioned you’ve been having some morning sickness.”
The moment Maisie spoke, I realized my mistake. Susannah’s eyes bounced from Maisie to me, anger flashing. “I’m fine,” she said stiffly.
Unperturbed, Maisie shrugged. “Well, just checking in. Make sure to let Dr. Jenkins know anything unusual.”
I was beyond relieved when a call came through for Maisie, conveniently interrupting our conversation. Maisie took the call, waving at us as I turned to go down the back hallway. I held the door open, looking to Susannah. “Wanna come back to my office for a few?”
Whether she wanted to or not, she followed me. I closed the door behind us when she stepped through. Gesturing for her to take a seat at the small round table in the corner, I followed, slipping into a chair across from her.
Susannah wasted no time. “Why the hell are you talking to Maisie about me?”
I lifted my hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean to piss you off. She just asked how you were doing, that’s all. Because I’m a man, and apparently an idiot to boot, I’ve been concerned about how you’ve been doing, so I asked her about it.”
Susannah seemed off—wound tight and tense. She stared at me for a few moments and then shook her head before looking away.
“Ward,” she finally said as she looked back towards me, “I think we need to put the brakes on this right now. Obviously, I know you’re going to be a part of my life because we’re having a baby. But I’m not sure I’m ready for more. I can’t think straight when we keep having sex, so it seems best if we stop seeing each other like that.”
My gut started to churn, panic rising in my throat.
Shaking the tension off, I focused on her. “No. I told you what I want. You. Maybe you’re not ready to hear it, but I love you. It’s not just sex, and you damn well know it. Don’t you dare shut me out. “
Her eyes narrowed, her lips tightening in a line. She shook her head sharply. “You can’t tell me what to do. It’s bad enough that you’re technically my boss, that I got pregnant, and I have to figure out how to tell the rest of the crew about it. I can’t be pushed into this.”
She stood abruptly, almost knocking her chair over. There was a rushing sound in my head, my throat tightened with emotion and my heart hammered against my ribs.
“You don’t get to call the shots. Right now, we’re glorified friends with benefits with a lot more complications than most friends. I’m a big girl, I’ll figure it out. But not if you’re in my bed every night.” She stood abruptly. “I have to go. Please don’t come out to my place tonight.”
At that, she left quickly, the sound of her cowboy boots striking against the floor down the hallway, marking her departure.
Stunned, I sat there. I was still sitting there when Maisie poked her head through the doorway. “What the hell did you say to her?” she asked, her eyes snapping.
Looking up at Maisie, I threw a glare her way. “Hey, don’t blame me. I followed your advice. I told her I loved her, and she walked away.”
Maisie’s eyes widened. “Oh no.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Susannah
“Mwah!” Maisie exclaimed as she dropped an exaggerated kiss on Max’s belly.
I watched as she spun him around on her lap, adjusting the fresh diaper she’d just put on him before she pulled on a lightweight fleece sleeper. Little Max was almost five months old now, a chubby little boy with curly dark hair just like his mother’s.
My heart squeezed, a wave of emotion hitting me so hard I almost burst into tears. I had started to feel our baby. I’d felt it since I’d known I was pregnant, but now I was having entire conversations with it. I’d somehow convinced myself we were having a little boy. I had many weeks to g
o before I would know that for certain.
Maisie stood, settling Max in his rocker nearby. Inside of a matter of seconds, he fell asleep. Maisie tucked a blanket over him and then returned, sitting down at the table across from me. We were at her house, the one she shared with Beck. I’d been here many times before, long before I knew Maisie. She’d inherited this house from her grandmother who passed away and left it to her. It had been nicely updated with the living room open and airy and windows floor to ceiling looking out over a field.
Maisie cocked her head to the side. “Are you okay?”
I nodded as I knuckled a random tear away from my cheek. “I’ve never cried so much in my life,” I managed with a sniffle and a soft laugh.
“I know. I was all over the place the whole time I was pregnant. I’m just now starting to feel more normal. Well, except for the fact that I obsess about Max all the time. It’s insane to me that before you have a baby, you have a normal life. After you have a baby, they become the center of your entire world. I’d do anything for him. I worry about him all the time, and I feel like it’s just a crazy joke. I try to pretend like I’m halfway normal, but it’s a challenge.”
I swallowed and took a shuddering breath. “Right. Here’s hoping I can do this halfway as well as you because you don’t seem crazy.”
She flashed a grin. “Okay, so far, so good at faking it until I make it. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened yesterday with Ward?”
“I told him we needed to stop doing what we’ve been doing. I can’t even say I broke up with him because it’s not like we were ever officially together. We were some sort of glorified friends-slash-boss with benefits. We’ve only been thrown together because I got pregnant.” I gave my head a hard shake. “I need to be rational, and I can’t think straight when he’s over there all the time. Plus, I can’t seem to keep my hands off of him,” I said bluntly.