by J. H. Croix
With my heart tight, I stared. I had tons of questions. I limited myself to one. “When will we know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“I’ve already scheduled the next ultrasound. That’ll be at roughly twenty-one weeks. We should be able to tell then.”
I met her steady, kind gaze and managed to nod. Emotion rocked me, kicking at my heart and clogging in my throat. I looked down to Susannah where she lay in her thin gown, my eyes distantly noticing she had goose bumps and her skin had a chilled, bluish hue to it.
For a moment, it was as if we were alone in the sterile room. Dr. Jenkins’ presence faded. Our eyes met and that now familiar electricity arced to life between us.
At that moment, Dr. Jenkins’ beeper went off, the sound snapping through the intimacy. I looked away, but slid my hand on Susannah’s calf.
Dr. Jenkins stepped away to answer her pager, asking Susannah to hold the wand.
“The wand?” I asked once Dr. Jenkins was out of earshot.
Susannah grinned, the paper underneath her crinkling as she shifted to reach between her thighs. “This thing,” she said, wiggling it. “Trust me, you have no idea how lucky you are to be a man. You might think this is fun, but it’s not. It’s a cold, hard wand. It’s what they use for the ultrasound,” she explained when I still looked confused.
“Oh,” I finally said just as Dr. Jenkins stepped back into the room.
Dr. Jenkins got right back to business, quickly reviewing a few things, spelling out everything for me. Once she declared she was done, she calmly had Susannah remove the wand, quickly taking off the condom on it and tossing it in the waste basket nearby, along with her latex gloves. I stood there, contemplating how it had never occurred to me a condom would be used in a doctor’s office.
After Susannah was sitting up, Dr. Jenkins glanced between us. “Any more questions?”
I looked to Susannah because I really had no idea what to ask. I didn’t quite think it would be appropriate if I asked Dr. Jenkins how to persuade Susannah what lay between us was so much more than sex.
Driving home later that afternoon, I was impatient. After we left the doctor’s office, Susannah got distant again. She didn’t even give me a chance to get close enough to kiss her and practically ran to her car. I was reaching the point where I wanted to demand more, to force her to face what was so obvious.
Chapter Thirty-One
Susannah
My mother stared at me, her eyes wide. I’d inherited her eyes—sky blue and almost translucent. I also had her hair. I’d hated my hair color when I was younger. It was just strawberry enough I’d gotten tagged with the occasional nickname Red. Even now as an adult, I didn’t quite understand who came up with the term strawberry blonde.
But my hair color wasn’t really the point right now. I’d done the impossible. I’d shocked my mother.
“You’re pregnant?” she asked.
“Uh huh. I know it’s a surprise. I was surprised too.”
We were in the kitchen at my parents’ house. Their house was on a bluff overlooking a field with the mountains in the distance. I supposed you could say ‘with the mountains in the distance’ to describe almost any location in Alaska. Yet, despite its commonality here, it didn’t change the stunning beauty.
I loved my parents’ kitchen, probably because I spent so much time here growing up. They lived in a farmhouse style home with the kitchen to match. Cabinets lined the walls with a massive island with the stovetop and a sink in the middle and stools surrounding it. This had been my homework station when I was growing up. My mother used to cook dinner while I did my homework.
Before my announcement, my mother had been busy chopping carrots. I was seated across from her on one of the stools, sipping on a cup of tea. It was a chilly spring afternoon, and my hands were cold. I curled them around the warm mug, absorbing its heat.
Setting down her chopping knife, she reached for a stool on the corner of the counter. Pulling it towards her, she sat down. “Well, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be telling me this if you weren’t planning on having a baby,” she finally said.
“I am. Maybe it’s crazy, and I sure as hell didn’t plan on this, but it’s happening.”
My mother nodded slowly, the surprise gradually fading from her expression. “I hope you don’t mind me asking who the father is. I wouldn’t ask, except I don’t even know if you’re seeing anyone.”
She looked apologetic. As close as I was to my mother, she wasn’t a nosy person. In general, she let me have my space and waited for me to come to her.
“Of course you can ask. It wasn’t serious before. But I suppose we’re moving in that direction now. It’s Ward, Ward Taylor.”
My mother’s eyes widened. “The new superintendent for your crew?”
At my nod, her eyes widened even further. I decided to go ahead and address all the questions I imagined she had. “Mom, I met him years ago in training in California. We didn’t have anything serious, but… Well, we had a thing. He came back, and you don’t need to tell me it wasn’t the best plan to get involved with my boss, but I did.”
My cheeks were hot. I might not have said it out loud, but my point was rather obvious.
My mother grinned slyly. “I see.”
“Not that I want to get into all the details, but before you go thinking we were irresponsible, we used condoms. I got pregnant anyway. I wasn’t sure how Ward would handle the news, but he’s been great about it. I haven’t talked to you about it sooner, because, well… I was pretty freaked out about it.”
“How far along are you?”
“Ten weeks.”
My mother stared at me, her mouth dropping open before she snapped it shut. “How long have you known?”
“About a month for sure. I just needed some time to get used to the idea before I talked to anybody about it. I hope you understand,” I said, knowing it probably hurt her to realize I’d kept the news to myself. By pure chance, I’d only seen her once since I knew. Usually I’d see my parents every week or so, but they’d been out of town for a trip to visit some friends in Washington for two weeks out of the month.
After a few moments of silence, she cocked her head to the side and smiled slowly. “Once your Dad gets used to the idea, he’s going to be ecstatic. I don’t suppose we’ll get to meet Ward soon, will we?”
“Of course you will. I wanted to talk to you first and then I need to talk to him.”
My mother’s perceptive gaze coasted over me. “Are you two serious now?”
All of a sudden, tears pricked hot at the backs of my eyes. Because I didn’t know what we were. I could feel the frustration emanating from Ward. He wasn’t the kind of man to hold back. Yet, my own frustration was building. I wanted our baby, but I felt boxed in by the situation and too easily swayed by my body. The fire between us burned too hot to ignore, but it would have made it so much easier if I didn’t want him the way I did.
Since the doctor’s appointment, he continued to spend every night with me. Every night, we had crazy, hot sex. Because that was all we seemed to know how to do. But when we weren’t tangled up, nearly two fused as one, I didn’t know how to handle his presence in my life. I wanted to push him away and pull him close at once. I knew I could be stubborn, but I wasn’t used to feeling caught in the storm of circumstance and hormones.
I didn’t realize I had started to cry until my mother handed me a tissue. She was quiet for a moment and then shocked the hell out of me. “You were a surprise.”
“I was?” I asked, looking up at her as I knuckled another tear rolling down with the tissue balled in my fist.
She nodded, smiling softly. “Oh, I was head over heels in love with your father by that point, but we weren’t even engaged then. I was on birth control, but every so often I’d forget to take it. That’s how I got pregnant with you. You were the best accident that ever happened to me. By the time I realized I was pregnant, I was eight weeks along. Because, you see, I didn’t have much of a perio
d with the pill, so I didn’t notice anything amiss until I started throwing up every morning.”
I burst out laughing because it was all so ridiculous. “So when did you and dad decide to get married?”
“Oh hon, you already know that. He asked me right away and then we eloped.”
Hope tried to catch my attention, waving a little flag in my heart. It all seemed so simple—if only I could believe Ward wasn’t just doing this out of obligation.
I had heard that part of my parents’ story, but somehow I’d missed the part that I was a surprise. When I said as much, my mother shrugged.
“It wasn’t important. I don’t know what’s between you and Ward, and I certainly haven’t met him so I have nothing to go on.” She paused, her perceptive gaze scanning my face. “It sounds like he’s stepping up. That’s a good thing, right?”
Oh God. My mom had an opinion. I could practically feel her biting her tongue. It wasn’t like I could tell her I was sex crazed and couldn’t think straight because of it. It almost annoyed me that Ward was so, well, there for me.
“Of course it is. It’s just. I don’t know. Even though I want my baby, I’m not so sure it’s a great plan to make decisions about us as a couple on short notice like this. We aren’t like you and Dad were. I mean…”
My mother shook her head sharply. “Hon, life throws curve balls all the time. Sure, it’s easy to say that because your father and I were already together when I got pregnant that it was meant to be. But that’s not how it works. Every relationship, especially one that includes a child, requires work. I make a choice every day to keep working on what I have with your father. He does the same. You can’t coast on the fun, crazy beginning of any relationship. It’s not that simple. You build your own foundation. I’m not saying you have to be with Ward. I’m just saying don’t go looking for something to tell you its meant to be. Some people create amazing marriages out of accidents. Others plan everything within an inch of their lives and blow their marriage to pieces. You have to roll with life and ride the waves instead of fighting against them. If Ward is committed and he’s there for you and the baby, well that says a lot about him.”
After that little speech, about all I could do was nod. I wasn’t ready for more yet.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Susannah
“Again?” Lucy asked, her voice disbelieving.
Amelia laid her cards on the table with a roll of her eyes. “Why do you look so surprised? Maisie almost always wins.”
Leaning back in my chair, I glanced to Maisie who merely shrugged. “You can’t expect me to throw a game just because you want to win,” she offered with a sly grin.
Lucy rolled her eyes and reached over to lift the bottle of wine from the middle of the table. Filling her wine glass, she sighed. “Fine. I can always be hopeful. Every once in a while someone else wins.”
Lucy’s gaze caught mine as Amelia leaned over to snag the wine bottle from her. Without saying a word, I knew she was wondering when I planned to share my news with everyone.
It wasn’t that I was trying to keep it a secret anymore, but more that I was trying to figure out the best timing. Amelia promptly offered me an easy in when she glanced my way, starting to hand me the wine bottle before setting it down. “Where’s your wine glass?”
I wasn’t a heavy drinker, but I generally enjoyed a glass of wine or beer with my friends. I met her gaze and shrugged. “I guess now is as good a time as any. I’m pregnant.”
My last two words dropped with a thud in the middle of the table. We were having our girls’ night. It was nothing official, but we regularly got together to play cards, have dinner, and just hang out. Tonight, we were at Cade and Amelia‘s place. Cade had been shooed off to catch a beer with the guys at Wildlands.
We were seated at a small round table in their kitchen. Amelia had built this place a few years before Cade moved back to Willow Brook. The downstairs was open and airy with the kitchen at the back opening into the living room. Glancing around the table, I had two startled pairs of eyes on me between Amelia and Maisie. Amelia glanced to Lucy who didn’t look as surprised because I’d already told her I was pregnant.
“How come you don’t look shocked?” Amelia asked.
I answered for Lucy. “Because I already told her. I needed some advice.”
“You’re pregnant?” Maisie asked, her tone disbelieving.
“Uh huh,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat. “I suppose I’d better explain it all. So four years ago, I met Ward at training in California. Never thought I’d see him again. So we had a one-night stand. No big deal right?” Glancing around the table, I met the still wide eyes of Amelia and Maisie and a look of empathy from Lucy. I continued, “So when he showed up here…”
Maisie cut in. “He’s your boss.”
My checks got even hotter. “Tell me something I don’t know. Anyway, I guess you could say there was still some chemistry. It was supposed to be just another night. But I got pregnant. So now…” I sighed, resting my chin in my hands and glancing around at my friends. “Well, now I’m having a baby.”
Maisie’s eyes coasted over me. “I noticed you looked a little different. If I’d known, I would’ve figured it out right away. But since you haven’t even been dating anyone, at least not that I knew, I certainly wasn’t wondering if you were pregnant. Tell me, how far along are you?”
On the heels of another deep breath, I answered, “Almost at the end of my first trimester, ten and a half weeks.”
Amelia‘s mouth dropped open. “How long have you known?”
“Well, I did a pregnancy test the week after I missed my period, so about five weeks. Look, I was pretty freaked out about it and still am. I waited to confirm it with my doctor and then I talked to Ward.”
“So are you two official?” Maisie asked.
I’d asked myself that same question again and again and again. Emotion tightened in my chest, but I ignored it. “I don’t know,” I finally said.
“What about him? How does he feel about the baby? Because a baby is kind of a big deal,” Maisie said.
“Obvious much?” Lucy asked.
Maisie rolled her eyes. Collecting the cards scattered on the table, she looked over to me. “I wasn’t being sarcastic. Beck and I wanted to have a baby, and it’s still so much more work than I ever could’ve imagined. I wouldn’t change it for a second, but it’s no joke.”
“I know. I didn’t plan this, and I’m probably crazy, but it’s happening.”
Amelia took a gulp of her wine, her gaze somber as she looked over at me. “And you’re sure this is what you want?”
“Trust me, I know I have options. But this is what I want. I know it doesn’t make sense. It wasn’t like we were careless about it. We used condoms. They just didn’t work.”
Lucy burst out laughing at that. “I’d say not. How are things with Ward?”
The emotion I could never seem to swat away tightened in my chest again. “I think things are okay,” I finally managed.
“Have you decided what you want?” she asked, referencing her simple advice to me earlier.
Amelia glanced between Lucy and me. “Obviously, you two had a chat. Let me guess, you figured Lucy would give you the most blunt advice.”
Grinning, I nodded. “Of course she did. I just haven’t followed it.”
“What was it?” Amelia asked.
“Oh, you know, the obvious. I need to figure out what I want. Here’s the thing with Ward, the sex is great. I mean like great, great. But that kinda makes it hard for me to know how I really feel. I mean…” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts into something that made sense. “I guess I’m worried I’m letting the great sex lead me into something serious when I’m not sure that’s what I want. We shouldn’t get serious just because I’m pregnant.”
Three pairs of eyes stared back at me as I glanced around. Though the expressions varied, the general vibe was what the hell.
“Well, how did he
deal with the news that you’re pregnant?” Maisie finally asked.
“Better than I expected. I mean, he was shocked, but once I told him I was having the baby, he’s been… Well I guess he’s been supportive.”
“I get that you don’t want to assume great sex equals a great relationship, but seeing as you’ve decided you’re having a baby and he’s the father, this isn’t a simple situation. If you’re not even kind of confident you want more, you might want to put the brakes on the sex. Because that muddies the waters—for him and for you,” Amelia said, her tone careful.
That was the problem. For weeks, I’d been telling myself I didn’t know what I wanted when it came to Ward and me. Yet, it was becoming painfully apparent I did know what I wanted. Or rather, what I didn’t want. When it came to the idea of cutting off what we shared, my reaction to that was visceral. I couldn’t even imagine putting a stop to it. I had no idea, none whatsoever, what to do about it.
Whatever expression crossed my face, Amelia shifted in her chair, sliding her arm around my shoulders and pulling me in for a side hug. “Okay, so it’s like that.”
Taking a shuddering breath and swallowing through the thickness in my throat, I managed to nod as she leaned back. “I didn’t plan any of this. I’m kind of a mess.”
Amelia pushed back in her chair, hurrying to the bathroom and returning quickly to slide a box of tissues on the table. It was only then that I felt the hot tear rolling down my cheek.
Snagging a tissue, I glanced amongst my friends. “No one told me what an emotional mess I’d be either. I mean, my doctor said I would experience hormonal swings, but oh my God.”
Maisie smiled softly, rolling her eyes. “Oh yeah, I was all over the place.” She sobered. “Look, maybe you shouldn’t worry so much about sorting everything out now. Maybe it’s okay to just play it by ear with Ward.”
I shook my head firmly. “No, it’s not okay. Some sort of wishy-washy friends with benefits thing is not a good plan. Not when we’re having a baby.”