No Fear (No Shame Series Book 3)

by Nora Phoenix

  Davy studied him for a second, then laughed. “Change of management. That’s the balls, man.”

  Connor laughed with him, then turned serious. “I think you know the kind of guys I’m looking for.”

  Davy drained his beer and put the pint down with a thud. “Aye, Cap’n.”

  He walked out without saying another word. Connor leaned back, shoving his beer away from him. Three sips and he’d already had enough. This had better be fucking worth it.

  They’d been watching some action movie for an hour now, but Aaron couldn’t have recapped the plot if he’d been forced to. All he knew was that he was happy. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he was happy.

  They were on the couch, Blake stretched out in a way that took the pressure off his leg and his chest, and Aaron curled up at his feet. He was wearing one of his new pink long sleeves and tight gray sweatpants, both courtesy of Colin. He’d assembled a great collection of clothes for Aaron, all pretty and soft and feminine.

  Blake’s hand was on Aaron’s head, and he scratched Aaron’s scalp every now and then, rubbed his neck, or caressed his hair. The constant contact was a powerful reminder of Blake’s presence, his care.

  His boyfriend. Blake was his boyfriend. Aaron still couldn’t believe that this sexy man wanted him, had chosen him. He felt so unworthy of his attention, even though he’d done his best since Blake had gotten shot to take good care of him.

  The first two weeks in the hospital, he’d barely left his side except for when the hospital staff kicked him out. If they’d thought him weird for staying by Blake’s side, they’d never said it. Blake’s brothers had looked at him funny a few times, but Blake had shot them an angry stare that made them keep their mouths shut. It had stressed how messed up Aaron was, though.

  No matter what Blake said, Aaron wasn’t buying it. That whole puppy thing, him being so frigging needy, it was not normal. The looks from Brad and Burke had made that abundantly clear. They thought he was a weirdo, and he couldn’t blame them. Heck, he thought he was a weirdo, too.

  The sex the day before had been so special, though. It had been life changing for Aaron. For the first time in his life, he’d felt complete, at peace. There was always this emptiness inside of him, this desperate craving he tried to ignore. Blake had filled it, had made him feel whole for the first time. He could only hope it had been good for Blake as well. He’d come, sure, but he was used to partners with more sexual experience. Partners who gave instead of took.

  Aaron lifted his head when he heard a key in the front door. Two of the other people who were staying with Blake had left, and the third wasn’t supposed to be home this weekend. Who was at the door, then?

  “Hey, bro!”

  Aaron recognized the voice. Burke.

  “I’m here, too,” Brad announced.

  Aaron shifted his legs to sit up, but Blake pressed him down. “Stay,” he said softly.

  Aaron settled back down, but his heart beat wildly. He hated seeing the look of bewilderment he’d no doubt spot again in the eyes of Blake’s brothers when they watched him and Blake. They had to be constantly wondering what on earth their perfect brother was doing with a guy like Aaron.

  “Hi,” Blake called out. “Grab a beer and a snack! We’re watching a movie.”

  Burke and Brad rummaged around in the kitchen and made their way to the couch with chips, beer, and in Brad’s case, a soda.

  “Hi,” Aaron said softly, peeking at them from underneath his lashes.

  “Oh, hi, Aaron,” Brad said. “I didn’t see you.”

  He and Burke shared a look that made Aaron’s stomach churn. His happiness was instantly gone.

  “How are you feeling?” Burke asked Blake.

  “Better every day. The hardest thing is not being able to exercise much. I’m really antsy from hanging around the couch all day.”

  “Well, maybe it would be easier to get up if Aaron wasn’t glued to your feet all day,” Burke said.

  Aaron froze. If it was supposed to be a joke, Burke had to work on his delivery because it sure didn’t feel funny to Aaron. He swallowed away the bile that rose in his throat, but the tears that sprang to his eyes weren’t so easy to wipe away, not without them seeing. This time when he shifted to get off the couch, Blake let him.

  “I’m gonna go to my room,” Aaron whispered. “You guys hang out together.”

  He didn’t look at them and avoided Blake’s eyes. The fact that Blake said nothing as he walked away, didn’t even try to stop him, said enough, didn’t it?

  He walked into his own old room, more by instinct than by a conscious decision and closed the door softly behind him. Aaron’s shoulders dropped as he looked around the empty room. All his stuff—not that it was much, mind you—was in Blake’s room, but this was where he’d gotten started with his new life. This room was where he’d dared to dream again, had begun to believe he’d find happiness one day. Now, all of that joy, that hope was gone.

  He was a freak, a weirdo, and he always would be. Blake might find it amusing now, but he’d soon grow tired of it like everyone else. No one had ever wanted him the way he was. Josh had chosen Noah, and now Connor, and maybe Indy, too. His parents had only wanted him as long as he stuck to their preconceived notions of the perfect son.

  And Blake… Blake couldn’t really want him either. Not when he realized it would cost him the relationship with his brothers, who clearly didn’t like Aaron. No, Blake would soon be done with him as well. Rightly so. Aaron didn’t even want to come between him and his brothers, not after everything they’d been through. He had no right to take the first spot in Blake’s life. And besides, Blake would come to the conclusion soon enough that Aaron wasn’t what he wanted. He was too girly, too needy, simply too…too fucking weird.

  Raised voices sounded from the living room, and Aaron clenched his fists. He did not want Blake fighting with his brothers, not over him. He wasn’t worth it. No, he’d make things easy on him.

  He silently opened the door again and walked into Blake’s bedroom. He still had so little stuff that he’d packed it into his weekend bag in a few minutes. He left the girly clothes Blake had bought for him. Not that Blake could return them, but Aaron didn’t want to take the memories with him. Besides, that part of his life had to be over. If he ever wanted to find love with somebody else…

  His throat constricted as the reality of losing Blake hit him.

  No, not here. Keep it together, for heaven’s sake.

  He clenched and unclenched his fists, breathing the pain away. It would be okay. He would be okay, someday. Maybe. For now, he had to get out of here.

  He dug the key to Blake’s house from his pocket and left it on the night table. He didn’t make a sound as he walked into the hallway and out the front door, though Blake likely wouldn’t have heard him anyways as he and his brothers were still arguing loudly. He threw his bag in his car, got in, and drove away without looking back.

  He managed to hold back the tears until he was on the Northway, driving to heaven knew where. Once the tears turned out to be unstoppable, he pulled off at a rest stop, shut off the engine, and broke apart.

  He was alone. Again.

  Blake prided himself on having a tight grip on his temper, but he’d never been closer to losing it than right now. Fists balled, he waited till Aaron was out of earshot, meanwhile firing deadly glares toward both his brothers.

  “It was a stupid joke,” Burke said. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  Blake checked to see if the door to Aaron’s room was closed. He’d gone into his own room, for fuck’s sake, not into Blake’s room, where he’d been staying all this time. God, his puppy was hurt.

  He turned his head back and shot Burke a dark look. “Shut the fuck up, right now. I have never, ever been so disappointed in the two of you as I am right now. How could you? How could you hurt him like that? What has he ever done to you? This is not how you were raised, not by mom, and certainly not by me.�
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  Both his brothers had at least the decency to look uncomfortable.

  “He’s weird,” Brad protested weakly.

  “That’s rich, coming from you,” Blake sneered.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have quite the reputation, brother mine. Don’t think that I don’t know what they call you in Flirt. If you had wanted to keep me in the dark, you should have frequented another club. And I’ve let it go, Brad, because at the end of the day it’s none of my fucking business who you fuck, or in this case who fucks you. I think you’re worth more than that, but it’s your life. But dammit, I expect the same courtesy. You have zero right to call Aaron weird, and I’m deeply disappointed that you would.”

  Brad’s shoulders hunched, and he avoided Blake’s look. “I didn’t know you knew.”

  “I’ve known from the beginning. You can’t keep shit like that secret, not in the gay community. And you,” he turned toward Burke. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, passing out judgment? You don’t think your long-time affair with your secretary is a secret, do you? And again, I’ve stayed out of it, even though I’ve been itching to call you a fucking idiot, but I’ve refrained. But you do not get to judge Aaron and me, you hear me?”

  He dragged a hand through his hair in frustration. He’d better shut his mouth before he said things he’d regret later.

  “We don’t understand what you see in him,” Brad said, his cheeks flaming red.

  “We? So you and Burke have been talking about it, too, huh? Nice to know. I thought I deserved better from you.”

  “We’re your brothers,” Burke said, raising his voice.

  “And that gives you the right to what, exactly? Gossip about me behind my back? Judge me? Criticize my boyfriend?”

  “Yes, if we do it out of concern! For fuck’s sake, Blake, he’s like this constant shadow of you. He’s so fucking clingy it’s not even funny anymore. He’s everywhere, and he never, ever fucking leaves!”

  Burke’s voice had reached shouting level at the end, and Blake took a deep breath to calm himself. He waited until he was sure he had full control of himself. “I like it. No, let me correct that. I love it. He needs me, and I dig it.”

  “How can you…” Brad’s eyes widened. “You love him,” he added, his tone changing.

  Blake sighed. “Yeah. I do. You guys don’t know him, don’t understand how much rejection he’s had to deal with. He’s… God, he’s vulnerable, and he’s missed out on so much love and acceptance. His own parents rejected him for being gay. And now the two of you are doing the same thing, because he’s different than what you had expected, or different than what you’d want for me. Don’t you understand? That’s not your choice to make. I love Aaron, and I want him in my life, more than anything. He brings me joy, a sense of purpose.”

  “I get that he’s had it hard, and I’m sorry for him. But he’s so clingy it drives me crazy! I’d like to hang out with my brother every once in a while without him always being there,” Burke snapped.

  It suddenly hit Blake. “You’re jealous,” he said slowly. “You’re jealous because you and Brad and Benjamin have been the most important people in my life forever, and you can’t deal with the fact that that has changed.”

  Brad blushed all over again, but Burke’s eyes narrowed. “You’re saying Aaron is more important than your own brothers?”

  Oh, holy fuck, how had he gotten himself into this impossible dilemma?

  “You can’t ask him that,” Brad protested.

  “I just did, so he can fucking answer!”

  Blake slowly pushed himself up, carefully maneuvering his body off the couch until he was standing. “Burke, you know how much I love you, Brad, and Benjamin. I have sacrificed a lot for the three of you but especially for you and Brad. I could never regret making the choices that I did, raising you, and taking care of you when you needed me, but you cannot deny there was little room for me. I’ve focused on you two for a long time, and because of that and the whole fucked-up example of a marriage Mom and Dad had, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Not one. I’m thirty-four years old, man, and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. But I am now.”

  Much to his own surprise, his voice broke. “Aaron, he’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met, and he makes me feel things I never knew I was capable of. He makes me want to try. He makes me want to grow roots, be a family. With him. And if you can’t understand that, if you don’t want that for me, then you are not the person I thought you were, and you don’t love me the way I love you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to Aaron.”

  He turned around and looked into the hallway. His eyes fell on the open door to Aaron’s old room, then on his own open bedroom door. His stomach sank. It took him forever to make his way to both rooms, but he knew before he’d reached them.

  Aaron was gone.

  Oh, God, no.

  How had he managed to sneak out without them seeing and hearing? Blake couldn’t have seen him because he’d been on the couch with his back toward the hallway, and Brad had been on the chair to his side with the wall obstructing his view. But Burke…

  He slowly turned around. As soon as he saw Burke’s face, he knew. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

  Burke jammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I didn’t realize how much he meant to you.”

  Blake’s grip on his temper had never been this thin. “Brad, get him the hell out before this escalates.”

  Brad looked from Blake to Burke with a puzzled expression. “I don’t understand. What happened?”

  “Aaron left, and Burke saw him leave and didn’t say anything.”

  Brad’s shocked “Burke!” was a poor balm for Blake’s wounded soul. “Get the fuck out, both of you. You did this. You did this to Aaron and to me. After everything I did for you, you chased away the man I love.”

  Burke opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but Brad grabbed his arm. “Let’s go.”

  Thank fuck. At least one of them realized he was near the end of his patience. He stood in the hallway as they left and watched them close the door behind them with a soft click.

  Aaron must have left the same way, quietly, hoping no one would notice. Or had he made eye contact with Burke? Had he noticed Burke watching him and not doing a damn thing? The thought alone made Blake shiver with fear. His puppy would not survive a blow like that.

  Blake needed to find him, and fast. But where the hell would Aaron go?

  16

  The familiar ping of his phone alerted Aaron another text message had come in. From Blake, no doubt. The man had started sending messages as soon as he’d discovered Aaron had left. Aaron had still been at that rest stop, trying to compose himself after having bawled his eyes out. His phone had dinged, and he’d looked, surprised to see a message from Blake.

  Puppy, don’t run. Please. Come back.

  He hadn’t replied, though Blake could see he’d received and read the message, since they both had an iPhone and used iMessage. What was there to say? Blake would miss him now, maybe. For a few days at most. Then he’d go back to his life and find someone who fit into his lifestyle and his family much better. Someone who didn’t stand out for being weird.

  So Aaron had ignored it and had started the long drive south. He’d hit the 87 all the way to New York City and had found a cheap motel in New Jersey to spend the night. He was almost out of money, but he couldn’t sleep in his car. It was ten degrees at night.

  Blake had texted him again.

  I’m sorry they hurt you. I’ve talked to them. Please, let me explain.

  Then again.

  Will you please call me?

  And once more, before Aaron had fallen asleep.

  I’m worried about you. Please be safe.

  The next day, Aaron had jumped on the 95 south and had continued driving. Traffic had been hell, first around Philadelphia, then again when he hit Baltimore. He wasn’t up for facing the DC Beltway, knowing f
rom experience that was seven lanes of hell, so he found another run-down motel.

  He’d have to get a job soon. And Josh had been right, he should have accepted the first job he’d been able to get. Right now, he wasn’t above waiting tables or doing the dishes, if that would earn him some cash.

  Every hour, Blake had messaged him. First, it had been more pleadings.

  I miss you. Will you please call me? Talk to me?

  I know you must be hurt, but please, let’s talk.

  Aaron had reread his messages. There had been a “please” in every single one of them. What did that mean? The idea of Blake begging didn’t fit. He wasn’t supposed to beg. That was somehow beneath him. Yet, he did. Aaron still didn’t reply, though. What was there left to say? Nothing.

  Blake had apparently accepted Aaron wasn’t responding and texted again.

  Puppy, I respect you’re not answering my messages. Please keep reading them, so I at least know you’re OK.

  I’m gonna keep texting you, if that’s okay. If you want me to stop, lmk and I will.

  The strange thing was, Aaron didn’t want him to stop. He’d never expected him to keep at it, but every waking hour, Blake sent him a new message. Sometimes it was a short “stay safe” type of thing, other times he texted a picture of himself eating or doing his physical therapy. Right before bedtime, he’d taken a picture of himself in his bed.

  I miss you, puppy. My bed is empty without you and so is my heart.

  The next day, Aaron braved the DC Beltway and made his way farther south, hitting Virginia, then fighting his way through North Carolina on too little sleep and a broken heart. That night, he parked his car at a rest stop, spending the night half-dozing, half-awake, scared someone would break into his car. And every hour till bedtime, Blake messaged him.

  I hope you’re okay, puppy. I’m worried about you.

  Be safe, wherever you are.

  Please know that you’re always welcome to come back. I’m not angry with you.

  After sleeping in his car, Aaron woke up with a horrific headache but still managed to make it farther south until he hit Georgia. He exited the 95 to get gas and spotted a “We’re Hiring” sign at a motel. On impulse, he walked in. Five minutes later, he had the job.