No Fear (No Shame Series Book 3)

by Nora Phoenix

  “Don’t ever fucking touch me again,” Indy snapped.

  He walked out, straight into his own room, locking the door behind him. Hot damn, even here he wasn’t safe. He carefully lay down on his bed, closing his eyes when hot tears threatened to escape. How was he supposed to do this for months, a year even? He was so fucking alone. He wanted Noah, needed desperately to feel safe and loved. Instead, he got a cheating, homophobic asshole and a horny fucker who thought it was okay to hit on him.

  Though, technically, Miles hadn’t hit on him. He’d sought out Indy’s company since they’d arrived here, but he’d never touched him. In fact, if he hadn’t held up Indy and inadvertently given himself away, Indy would have never found out. Still, it was awkward as fuck, right?

  Indy guessed the agent to be in his early thirties, which made him at least ten, twelve years older than Indy was. That alone should make Indy off-limits—though Noah and Josh were older than him as well. Objectively speaking, Miles was good looking. He was from California, originally, and he still had that blond, tanned surfer look. His hair was a tad too long, giving him that careless attitude that fit him well. Still, Indy wasn’t interested. At all. Which Miles should have respected.

  What the hell had he meant when he said it wasn’t what it looked like? A boner could only mean one thing, couldn’t it? Indy bit his lip. If it was so obvious, why had Miles insisted it was something else?

  Oh, fuck it. He’d give the man a chance to explain. If he didn’t like it, he could still kick his ass.

  Indy went back to Miles’ room and walked in without knocking. Miles wasn’t in his room, and Indy was about to leave when he heard a noise from the bathroom. It took him a few seconds to identify it. Miles was jerking off. Frantically, judging by the sounds. Definitely not something Indy wanted to hear. The sounds stopped, and Indy heard Miles moan softly.

  Okay, then. Talk about awkward.

  In the bathroom, Miles cursed. Seconds later it sounded like he hit the wall. Hard. What the hell was going on? Despite every urge to run, Indy stayed. The faucet ran inside the bathroom. At least he was strict on hygiene, Indy thought wryly.

  The bathroom door opened, and Miles walked back into the room, tucking his cock in his pants, his face tight with anger. When he spotted Indy, that anger transformed into deep embarrassment. He slowly released his hands.

  “Fuck, Indy… I guess you heard me… Yeah, sorry. Again.”

  Something was off. This was about more than having a hard-on for a guy you weren’t supposed to be attracted to.

  Indy took the ice pack off his lip for a second. “You said it wasn’t what it looked like. Explain.”

  Miles studied him. “Can I trust you?” he finally said.

  Indy harrumphed. “You’re talking to the guy who’s never trusted another soul in his life, until recently.”

  Miles gestured. “Mind if I close the door? This is not something I want to share with the others.”

  “Yeah. But keep your distance.”

  Miles nodded and gently closed the door. Indy sat down on the bed, in the cleared-out spot he’d been in earlier. Miles kept his word, taking position against the wall. “I apologize in advance for any embarrassment this may cause you,” he said.

  Indy raised his eyebrows. “Dude, I lived with Boston’s biggest crime boss for years. Nothing embarrasses me. Trust me, I’ve seen it all.”

  Miles seemed to be strangely comforted by that. “I have a condition,” he said softly. “I have an unusual libido. For some reason, my body responds to every little stimulus. I’m hard half the time.”

  Indy’s eyes dropped down unconsciously, eyeing Miles’ crotch.

  “Yes, I’m hard right now. And I jerked off not two minutes ago, as you undoubtedly heard. That was my fourth orgasm of today, by the way. As I said, it’s embarrassing.”

  Indy forced himself to look at Miles’ eyes. He was watching Indy warily as if he expected him to walk out any second now. “Sounds like a fucking nuisance,” Indy said.

  “Yes. Hell, yes. It is.” Relief at Indy’s reaction colored Miles’ voice.

  “What helps?” Indy asked, genuinely curious.

  Miles sighed. “Fucking. Actual, hard fucking. That holds me off for a few hours at least. But that’s kinda impossible when I’m on the job. One-night stands aren’t exactly easy on an assignment like this, and as a federal agent I have to be extra careful.”

  “Why?”

  “People who know I’m an agent could try to use a one-night stand to get leverage against me. Blackmail,” he added, when Indy frowned.

  That made sense. “No boyfriend for you, then?” Indy asked.

  “I’ve tried. Turns out, the novelty of having a constantly horny boyfriend wears off fast. He broke up with me.”

  “Aren’t there any meds?”

  “None that come without serious side effects. Taking hormones could help, but they affect more than your libido.”

  “Damn,” Indy said.

  “Yeah, well, now you know. It’s truly nothing personal, Indy, and I honestly hope you’re not offended. It’s been a long month, and I’m really fucking horny, and you’re not exactly ugly, so, yeah.”

  Indy snickered. “You’re such a smooth talker, Miles. Seriously. I wonder how anyone could resist you.”

  Miles sent out a hesitant smile. “You’re not angry?”

  “No. I appreciate you explaining. But Miles, I’m dead serious when I say I’m not interested. You’re a nice guy and all, but I have a boyfriend.”

  “I know. Two, if the file on you is correct.”

  Indy grinned. “You guys keeping tabs on my love life now?”

  “It did make for pretty salacious reading material,” Miles joked. “Is it true?”

  “What, that I have two boyfriends? No, it’s not true. Noah is my boyfriend, Josh is… I don’t know what he is. A friend with benefits, maybe? Whatever. He’s like my best friend and soul mate, with a sexual spark thrown in. But he has a boyfriend, too.”

  “Had.”

  Indy frowned. What was Miles talking about? “What do you mean, had? We’re talking about O’Connor, right? The Albany PD cop?”

  Miles looked uncomfortable now. “Shit. I shouldn’t have said anything. Pretty sure you weren’t supposed to know.”

  Indy rose. “You’d better start talking right now. What the hell happened?”

  “He broke up with Josh, according to our intel. Same day you left. Quit his job and moved back to Boston.”

  Indy’s eyes went big. “Boston? No fucking way.”

  “Yeah. We kept an eye on him for the first two weeks, but he told us to get lost. Said he was fine, didn’t want protection anymore. A police informant told the Boston PD he’s recruiting.”

  “Recruiting? For what?”

  “They don’t know. Some kind of job. Indy, I hate to say it, but are you sure he wasn’t behind the attack? He is a Fitzpatrick, after all.”

  Indy clamped down hard to prevent himself from blurting out what he knew about Connor and his family. He might like Miles, but he didn’t trust him. There was absolutely no way that Connor had broken up with Josh, and even less chance he’d gone truly bad. Connor’s love for Josh was real and pure, his devotion to Josh so complete he’d even been willing to accept Noah’s and Indy’s more-than-casual relationship with the love of his life.

  If Connor was in Boston—and considering the FBI’s resources, Indy was willing to accept the truth of that—there was a reason for it. A reason that undoubtedly had everything to do with the Fitzpatricks but not in the way Miles was suggesting. Whatever Connor had planned, he did not need the FBI fucking things up.

  “I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve wondered how they knew to find me, but I never was able to figure it out. If it was Connor, it would explain a lot.”

  What else did the FBI know? Miles looked like he knew more, but he wasn’t saying anything. Indy could make an educated guess, though. Probably something about Noah and Josh. Togethe
r. A fact that Miles expected Indy to be devastated over, but he wasn’t.

  He’d known they would gravitate toward each other, had only hoped Connor would allow it. Josh wouldn’t be able to stand seeing Noah down and depressed, would’ve stepped in to make him feel better. Apparently, with Connor gone for whatever reason, he had. It didn’t make Indy mad or even jealous. It only made him deeply sad, because he would give anything to be with them right now. Anything.

  18

  His puppy had proven to be a hell of a lot more stubborn than Blake had given him credit for. He’d been gone for three weeks now, and he wasn’t showing any signs of coming back. Blake sighed as he reread Aaron’s last message.

  I’ve been working so I’m good on money but thank you. How’s the PT going?

  He’d offered Aaron money—again. But Aaron had turned it down—again. He’d expected no differently, but at least this time Aaron had volunteered he had a job, so Blake considered that progress. He still messaged him at least once every hour, and while Aaron had read his messages almost immediately at first, he’d rarely replied. The last few days Aaron had started to respond to things, which Blake considered a good sign.

  Good. I’m cleared for light exercise. No BJJ yet, obviously.

  Oh, good. That must make you happy. Be careful.

  I will, puppy. Are you getting any exercise in?

  I run every other day, 5k at least.

  Blake frowned. If he was getting runs in, he wasn’t anywhere near the northeast. They’d gotten slammed with a nor’easter a few days ago, and the sidewalks still weren’t cleared. He’d been worried about Aaron, but Aaron hadn’t responded to specific questions about the weather. But if it was good enough to run, he had to have gone south. South of Maryland at least, since the whole northeastern coast had gotten hit.

  I’m so proud of you! God, I miss you.

  He made sure to text that at least once a day, but usually more often. It wasn’t a lie. He’d never expected to become so attached to someone he’d known for such a short time, but he was. His arms, his bed, his life felt empty and cold without Aaron. He hadn’t fully appreciated the joy and contentment Aaron’s presence brought until he was gone. He sighed, an all-too-familiar ache spreading from his heart throughout his body. I didn’t know how much of my heart you’d conquered, puppy.

  His phone dinged in his hand. A new text from Aaron.

  I miss you too.

  Blake’s heart jumped up. Aaron missed him. It was the first time Aaron had shown any emotion in his texts, and a warm feeling radiated from his belly. Thank fuck.

  He almost dropped his phone when it rang. Huh. What could Josh want?

  “Hi, Josh,” he answered.

  “Hey. I was trying to reach Aaron, but he’s not answering his phone.”

  Blake fought back a swell of irritation. Josh didn’t even know Aaron had left. “Listen, I understand things must be hard for you with Connor and Indy gone, but if you had bothered to show any interest in your brother, you would have known he’s gone.”

  Okay, so his tone wasn’t exactly friendly, but this was the best he could do right now.

  “You don’t under… What do you mean, he’s gone?”

  Was that honest-to-God worry in Josh’s voice? “He left me. He’s gone south, I think.”

  “You think? Are you telling me you don’t even know where he is?”

  Yup, definitely worry. “He won’t tell me. He’s not taking my calls either, but he’s responding to texts.”

  “What the fuck happened?”

  “I guess he got tired of people treating him like crap. My brothers, they didn’t exactly warm up to him, and I didn’t do enough to stop it. That’s on me. But what you and Noah did, that sure as hell didn’t help, either. Dammit, Josh, he was waiting for you to call him, to lean on him. He wanted to be there for you, but you didn’t let him. He’s so fucking lost, and we failed him.”

  It took a while before Josh answered. “I know. Fuck, I know, Blake. It’s just… I’ve been hating him for so long that it’s hard to switch it off. I haven’t figured it all out, and with everything that’s happened I can’t find the mental peace to work through it.”

  “He needs you, Josh. He needs to know that you want in him in your life. He feels like nobody truly wants him, not even me.”

  “God, Blake…I’m… I was calling him to tell him I’m not gonna be here for a few weeks. I’m being admitted to a VA mental facility. The shooting has triggered my PTSD, and I’m not doing well.”

  Fucking hell. Now Blake felt like a total asshole for going off against Josh. “I’m sorry, man. And I’m sorry for getting angry with you when you clearly have enough on your plate.”

  Josh sighed. “No, you were right. I should’ve reached out to him.”

  “Can he visit you?”

  “No. I’m going to a closed ward. No outside contact.”

  There was an edge to his voice, and Blake didn’t need to ask what Josh was worried about. “I can check in on Noah, if you want me to. And if he’ll let me.”

  “I feel like a total asshole asking you that, after what you told me about Aaron. But Noah is not doing well. He’s…depressed. Dark. He’s putting up a front for me because he’s worried sick I’ll crack, but he’s not good. He quit his job to go get a degree in psychology, but he’s home a lot since it’s a low-residency program, and it’s not good for him.”

  “Will he allow me to be there for him?”

  Josh sighed. “Probably not. Dammit. I don’t know what else to do.”

  Blake’s head was racing with thoughts. What could he do to make Noah accept help? It had to look like he was helping someone instead of the other way around. Noah had a strong urge to jump in and help people in need, much like Blake himself.

  Suddenly he had an idea. “Josh, what about someone temporarily moving in with him? My brother Brad is renting a duplex, but the owner just told him he has to move out for at least three weeks because of a leaking roof. They wanna do some remodeling while they fix the roof. He has nowhere to go since my house is full at the moment. What if he moves in with Noah temporarily? He works, but he’s a teacher, so relatively short days. He could be there for him. He would bring his dog, though, but we’re talking about a sweet, old Lab mix who spends most of his days sleeping on Brad’s bed.”

  “That could work,” Josh said slowly. “If I present it to him as Brad having nowhere else to go. The dog certainly wouldn’t be an issue. But Blake, and I mean no offense, you need to tell Brad to keep his hands off Noah.”

  Oh, God. Talk about embarrassing. Blake clenched his jaw. “I see his reputation has preceded him.”

  “I’m not judging. Not at all.” Josh let out a short laugh. “I wouldn’t have any right to. But Noah is fragile, and Brad can’t mess with him.”

  Blake sighed. “I understand, and I’ll be sure to tell him in no uncertain terms, but I don’t think you have to worry. Brad has a strict no-cheating rule, and he considers Noah taken. Let me talk to my brother first. He fucking owes me, so I don’t think he’ll protest. Plus, despite what you may have heard, he’s a good guy, Josh. He is. Just…messed up.”

  “Aren’t we all? As I said, I’m not judging him, Blake. Honestly. I wanna look out for Noah, that’s all.”

  “I understand. And Josh, could you maybe text Aaron? Ask him to call you so you can tell him yourself you’re leaving? I think it would mean a lot to him.”

  “Yeah, I will. I promise. And thank you, Blake. You looking out for Noah after the way we treated your… Man, it’s way more than you owed us.”

  He’d barely hung up with Josh, when his phone rang again. Brad. Huh. He must’ve felt Blake wanted to talk to him. He’d sort of patched things up with Brad, but his relationship with Burke was still strained.

  “What’s up?” he answered.

  “Blake, it’s Charlie. He needs a place to stay.”

  “What happened?”

  “Zack, his asshole boyfriend, that’s what ha
ppened. He beat the shit out of him. And I can’t let him stay with me because that’s the first place that bastard will look, and you’re the second.”

  Oh, dammit. The hits just kept coming at the moment, didn’t they? “How bad is it? Does he need a hospital?”

  “He should, but he doesn’t want to go. He showed up at my doorstep this morning, and he’s black and blue. I don’t know what to do.”

  Blake swallowed. “Was he…violated?” he had to ask, because that would change things considerably. If Charlie was raped, they’d have to talk to him about getting a rape kit done as soon as possible.

  “No. Thank fuck for that. But he’s beaten up badly, and I’m worried about his injuries.”

  The puzzle pieces clicked. “I know exactly what we’re gonna do. Put him in a car, and drive over to Noah’s. I’ll text you the address in a sec. He can stay there for a few days, and Noah can check him out.”

  Brad hummed his approval. “But Blake, I’m not sure he’ll feel comfortable staying with Noah and Josh by himself.”

  Blake almost smiled. Almost, because it was incredibly sad, and yet perfect timing. “It’s only Noah right now. Josh is about to leave, since he’s being admitted to a facility for his PTSD. I’ll talk to Noah, but I’m sure you can stay with Charlie. He’s got the space, and you need to stay out of your house for a while, right?”

  “Yeah, but are you sure Noah would be okay with the two of us getting sprung on him like this? And I’d have to take Max with me as well. Noah’s probably not in the mood for visitors right now.”

  No, he wouldn’t be, but it would be the perfect distraction for him, Blake thought. “I’ll call him, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine. Start loading up your car, before Zack comes looking for him. And Brad, if he does, keep your hands off him. Stay calm and do not engage him. He’ll fucking press charges, and you know he’ll win.”

  Brad sighed loudly. “I know, I know. I want to, though. No, actually, I want to sic you on him and have you beat him to a pulp. Is that wrong of me, to wish actual, physical pain on someone?”

  With anyone else, it might have been a rhetorical question, but not with Brad. His brother tended to consider things like this deeply. “No. Wishing it isn’t. Doing it would lower you to his level, and you can’t do that. Tell Charlie I love him, will you? I gotta call Noah, set things up.”