by Ford, Mia
“Okay, well we shall see you at home,” Mom says in a determined tone of voice. There’s an underlying meaning to her words. I know what she means, she’s warning me to say whatever needs to be said. “You two talk and whatever and I shall see you later on. I’ll wait up for you, okay, Lucie? Goodnight.”
“I’ll wait up for you too!” Logan says, probably meaning it more than he should. “Love you, Mommy.”
They leave, and then there’s only me and Kade left. Discomfort circles through me, I don’t feel good at all. There’s a big part of me that desperately wants to run like the wind so I don’t have to deal with this, but I do. I have to do it for myself, for Kade, and of course for Logan as well. He deserves the chance to know.
“Did you want to come to my room?” Kade asks me awkwardly. “Just to see the pictures.”
I guess there isn’t any reason not to now, and it isn’t like we can have our very private discussion out here so I nod. Kade takes my hand and he leads me to his room, with my heart racing the entire time. Nerves coil around my body, my stomach flip flops, I think I might even be shaking, I’m so damn scared.
Once in his room, a laughter bubbles up in my throat. “Oh, my goodness, this looks exactly the same! You haven’t changed it at all.” The familiarity fills me up and it helps me to relax. “Oh, look, there’s us.”
I run my fingers along the picture of me and him sitting on horses. Of course, this reminds me of that night, I can barely see anything horse related without thinking about the night I lost my virginity, but I don’t want to bring it up. For now, it’s safer to see us as the innocent kids that we once were trying to ride.
“I know, we were crazy little bastards, weren’t we?” Kade chuckles. “Don’t you wish that we could go back to that sometimes, life was so much easier way back then, wasn’t it? Nothing to worry about…”
“You’re happy now though, aren’t you? You seem to have all your dreams come true?”
I pause and cock my head curiously as I watch the expression change on his face. He looks confused, almost as if he doesn’t know what’s going on in his life any longer. I thought he finally had everything, but maybe not. I want to hug him, to hold him and find out what’s going on with him, but we aren’t there quite yet.
“Yeah, it’s good. It’s just strange isn’t it? Growing up, I mean. Not that I’m as grown up as you.”
I wait for him to make some comment about how Logan could be his. The look of his child, plus the dates that he was quite clearly conceived… he isn’t an idiot… but he doesn’t say anything. He looks expectantly at me, but I don’t confess either. We remain in this weird stand off for a few moments long until I need to break the silence. “So, are you getting out these photographs, or not? I want to see London.”
He reaches up on the top of his shelf and grabs his laptop down. As it boots up, I stare at his face without the fear of him looking back. It’s a nice feeling because even though he looks so different, he’s still him. He’s still the guy that I had a crush on back in school, he’s still the person who I loved in college…
“Okay, here we are.” He pats on the bed for me to sit beside him. “Let me show you them all.”
As he clicks through the photographs and Kade describes his journey, I feel a heat burning in my chest. It’s lust once more, that feeling that I could be falling in love. It’s dangerous, I know it, but there’s always been something very irresistible about Kade. To me, he’s always been everything. This time, I just have to be sensible and not act upon these feelings no matter what. Especially not until I’ve told the truth. For now, I’ll simply enjoy the sensation of the sizzling between us because it’s been five long, lonely years.
“So, did you meet any girls on your travels?” I cringe as those words accidently fly out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to say that, especially when now I sound like a crazy, jealous freak. “I didn’t mean… sorry.”
“Oh, no it’s fine. You can ask that…” He pauses and bites down on his bottom lip. A sense of dread fills me, all of a sudden, I don’t want to get this answer at all. “I didn’t meet any. Mostly because I was far too busy to do anything like that, I didn’t even have any time for a one night stand, my dad had so many plans for me, but I also didn’t because I needed to change. I needed to get over what had happened in my past.”
My heart thunders. That means, as far as I know, that the last person each of us had sex with was each other. I suppose I could be wrong about it, he did have a little bit of time at college before he left, but that’s certainly been the case for me. I always just planned to leave that side of my life away until Logan is older. I wonder what Kade’s excuse is. It can’t be because of what happened between us, can it?
“Erm…” A heat fills my cheeks, I don’t know what to say. “So, do you think that you did that?”
“I did,” he muses thoughtfully. “Or at least I thought I did, once. But now I’m not so sure.”
That’s so loaded, I can almost hear the meaning rolling off his tongue. He’s definitely talking about me, there’s no denying that now, but I cannot get sucked in. I got burned so badly before, more than once, I don’t think I should be able to put myself in that position again. I have to be strong. My life isn’t about me.
“You aren’t sure?” My heart races. This is nuts. What am I even doing here?
“Lucie, I’ll be honest with you.” He places his laptop on the bed and holds my hands in his. “I haven’t ever got over you. Now that I’m older and I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, I can see that it seems like I treated you really badly. Well, I did treat you badly. As soon as we slept together, I got the call that I was about to be kicked out of college. My dad found out and went ballistic. As I’m sure you can imagine.”
I nod numbly. My brain is spinning. “Erm, yeah, I can imagine that wasn’t fun.”
“No, so I snapped at you because I couldn’t handle what I was going through at the time. I was trying to study hard to make the best of my one shot I had left at college. I needed to get through an exam… which of course I didn’t, as you know because I ended up getting kicked out. Urgh, what a nightmare.”
I try to digest this. As I was going through the pregnancy, and coming to terms with the choice that I’d made to be a mom, he wasn’t having the easiest time either. I guess it was just bad timing. I wonder if that’s a sign that we’re never meant to end up together? I mean, it’s possible, right?
“But as soon as I got abroad, I starting thinking thing over properly and I wanted to apologize to you so badly. But, I was away, you had your life to get on with, and I thought it was best to keep away. Maybe that was dumb of me, maybe I should have handled it better but I was a dumb idiot. You know that.”
I laugh and nod. To be honest, I don’t know how much difference it would have made if he had been around. Would he have been able to hack having a baby? Probably not, just because I was blinded with love, it doesn’t mean that I can’t see how young and dumb he was. I guess we both were, and certain life things forced us to grow up in our own individual ways. It would’ve been a different story back then.
“But, I just want to say to you that I’m sorry now… for all of it. I’m sorry that I didn’t explain to you what was happening, that I pushed you away when you wanted to speak to me, that I didn’t speak after…”
“It’s okay,” I do my best to reassure him. “It honestly doesn’t matter. I get it, it’s fine, honestly.”
Kade smiles at me, then he completely shocks me by leaning upwards and crashing his lips into mine. My brain instantly shuts down, I don’t even think, I get swept away by the familiar but strange sensation of Kade kissing me. It’s a shock, but a good surprise, I like it. It warms me up and brings all those weirdly amazing feelings raise to the surface once more. I absolutely love it in every single way.
But then reality kicks in and I realize that this is insane. I’m kissing Kade after promising myself that I wouldn’t go anywhere near him again. I�
�m not supposed to be succumbing to all of this.
“No, stop.” I gasp while placing a palm flat on his chest. “No, we can’t kiss. We just can’t.”
“Why not?” Kade shrugs as if my reservations make absolutely no sense at all. “There are still feelings here. Why shouldn’t we be kissing? There isn’t anything holding us back anymore, is there?”
Yes! We can’t kiss because of Logan, we can’t kiss because we share a child and I’m dishonest…
“It’s just too quick. We only just saw each other after five years away, it’s mental.”
“Okay.” He pushes himself off the bed and he looks down at me. I can see the wildness dancing behind his eyes and I have to admit that all I want to do is dive into his arms. “Okay, so it’s quick. I get that, we need to be more careful. We’re older now and you have a child… but you can let me take you out on a date, right?”
A date… that’s terrifying, but also will give me some more much needed alone time with Kade. I need to get used to who he is now so I can work out what my next move should be. Nothing has to happen.
“Yeah, I can do that,” I reply slowly. “I have to go now though.” I don’t know if I can control myself.
“Let me take you out for dinner tomorrow then. We’ll just hang out, no pressure, reconnect once more. It’ll be good. Please say yes, Lucie, I promise that it’ll be good.”
“Sure.” I’m practically breathless. Right now, I’ll say anything to get my escape. “Tomorrow. Good.”
23
Kade
The fact that Lucie still likes me is enough to continually drive me. I so desperately want to get my second – or third – chance with her, it’s really brought me back to life. Before Lucie came back into my life, I think I must have been sleeping, but now I’m wide awake. She kissed me back, that means something. Okay, so she freaked out and she ended it before things could get too wild, but that’s okay. I don’t mind. Maybe it’s better because now we get to do things slowly, in the right way. Now, I can take her out on a real date.
I pause at the end of her driveway and wait for her to come out. She told me to do this so Logan doesn’t know where she’s going, which is fair enough. She doesn’t want to bring me into his life when we don’t know what’s going on between us. I’m being calm and respectful, I’m doing things correctly. I think.
“Oh, wow.” As she finally rushes out of the house in a summery style yellowy dress that swooshes around her body, my heart skips a beat. She has her hair piled up on the top of her head in a messy style bun which shows me her naked delicious flesh. I want to sink my teeth into said flesh, not that I will. It might have been a very long time, especially for me, but I can wait a little while longer. If I really have to. “You look great.”
As Lucie’s eyes travel up and down my body I feel my racing pulse. She’s giving me a glare that’s filled with lust and I love that look. I’m glad that I’m not in this alone, I want her to want this too.
“You don’t look too bad yourself, you’re a little more casual than in the suit last night.”
I’m wearing a tee shirt, and slacks, because I didn’t want this to seem too heavy. This is casual, the whole night is going to be relaxed, which is exactly what the pair of us need. No pressure, no stress.
“So, I was thinking that we could head to Mama Jo’s tonight.” I extend out my arm and she links hers through mine. “Do you remember how we always used to be there as kids? Like, for your birthday?”
“I do.” She nods slowly. “Yeah, it was a whole lot of fun, wasn’t it? We had a good time.”
As we walk towards the restaurant, which I chose because it’s so near to our homes, we chat and laugh going back to our place of nothing but friendship, it’s nice. I feel closer and more connected to her than I have done in a very long time. I’m glad we didn’t rush into sex, if we’d slept together last night, things could be really awkward today. This time, if we’re going to make it work for real, then we need to take it slow.
The atmosphere in the restaurant is bubbling in Mama Jo’s, it’s filled with other people, including families. I see Lucie’s eyes flicker over to a few of the families, no doubt thinking about her own child, which makes me wonder… I guess I need to ask about Logan’s dad, just to learn the story there. It’s a sensitive subject, somehow, I need to tackle it in a suitable way. I don’t know if tact is my main specialty, but I’ll give it a go.
We take a seat and pick out menus, but before I can scan my eyes over the food on offer my mouth opens and word vomit comes spilling out without me even meaning to. “So, do you mind if I ask you something?”
Her wide eyes glance up at me and she nods. “Sure, what’s going on? You look deep in thought.”
“Do you mind if I ask you about Logan’s father? Like, is he in the picture at all…”
The color drains from her face, she goes such a funny ashen shade of white that I feel bad. If I’m supposed to be having a no pressure, fun night, then I shouldn’t have started with such a tricky subject. I don’t know why I didn’t think that! I must be a freaking idiot. Honestly, what a mess I’ve created. If I’m not careful, she’ll end up wanting to leave before the night even begins and I will only have myself to blame.
“He isn’t in the picture,” she eventually replies in a whisper. “He hasn’t ever been. This isn’t something that I really want to talk about if that’s okay with you?” She leaps up from her seat, tears unwittingly filling her eyes as I make her feel awful. “I need to go to the bathroom. I will be right back in a moment.”
My heart sinks as I watch her go. Of course, that was dumb. The idiot obviously crushed her and I just started talking about him. Maybe she’s only just recovered from what happened and I just hurt her again. I make a vow to myself that this is a subject that I will never bring up again. He’s gone, he never was around, my dad even told me as much. I don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to competition.
I sigh and stare at the menu, watching the writing dance about in front of me. I need to be calm, to play it cool, to stop trying to jump about ten steps ahead. It feels like me and Lucie should already be in a comfortable relationship place because I’ve been in love with her for as long as I can remember, but that simply isn’t the case. It’s hard to reel all of that in, but I desperately need to try for her sake. This isn’t about me.
As she eventually comes out of the bathroom, now looking a little calmer, I give her a reassuring smile. I want her to know that it won’t happen again. She seems to get the message, or so I hope because she does sit down with me again and pick up a menu. I keep my mouth sealed as we scan over the items on offer.
“I think I’m going to have spaghetti,” she eventually says in a considered tone of voice. “How about you?”
“Erm, pizza. I remember it being awesome.” I indicate for the waiter to come over. “And what would you like to drink? You were drinking wine last night, weren’t you? Would you like a bottle?”
“I think I better stick to something non alcoholic,” she surprises me by saying. “I don’t think I can hack drinking booze two nights in a row. Especially since I don’t get much sleep at night.”
“Logan?” I ask carefully. She nods and waits. She doesn’t need to worry, I’m not going to say anything about him again without her giving me the green light. “Ah right, I see. Soft drinks it is!”
We place our orders and wait for the waiter to bring our drinks over. Lucie looks a little uncomfortable, but I suppose it isn’t as bad as she could be. I need to just make sure that she doesn’t freak out again.
“So, did you complete college in the end? I forgot to ask you last night when I saw you.”
“I did,” she replies slowly. “But I didn’t stay at college to finish. I did the last bits from home. Because I was doing so well beforehand they allowed me to complete what I could from home.”
I don’t need to ask her why because her hand flutters down to her stomach. I assume this has to be becau
se of Logan. Of course, this leaves me even more intrigued because it seems that I might know the father. Not that I can ask, maybe at some point a bit later on I will try to work out if I know the person.
“Well, that’s a real achievement so I’m proud of you for that! You did better than me anyway!”
She laughs and blushes while tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, I suppose so. Now I just need to do something with it! I haven’t exactly managed to make my dreams come true.”
“And what would you like to do? Out of what you told me already, I mean.”
“Oh, I still want to travel – especially after seeing all those pictures you showed me! London looks beautiful… but I’m a long time away from that.” I swallow down the temptation to offer to take her. One step at a time, not a long haul vacation. Plus, I’ve only just started working, I can’t have time off. “And writing too. I still want to do that. I would love to write articles or a novel… something along those lines.”
“I’m sure that’s something you’ll be able to achieve at some point. There’s still plenty of time.”
“I hope you’re right.” She gives me a serious look. “I would love to, I just don’t have the time at the moment. The little man keeps me incredibly busy. I’m sure it’ll change when he goes to school.”
“Yeah, that’s when you should start to get some of your life back.”
Maybe I’ve come back at the very right time because she will have time to think about dating again. If Logan was still a baby, she probably wouldn’t be wide awake enough to even consider me. Now though, her son is about to get into the schooling system and she’ll have time to think about me. Not that I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m still trying so hard not to fall too head over heels in love.