Will She Be Mine

by Subir Banerjee

  Back at home, I consulted my homeopathy books to find remedies for fever with enlarged spleen. After narrowing down several remedies, I picked one as a likely candidate considering the paucity of symptoms. The next time when I called father I’d mention my medical research and ask him to convey the medicine’s name to Ragini’s father. I’d also take the opportunity to ask about Shalini.

  It wasn't long before Dwapayanan threw all caution to the winds and called me to his room to discuss his PhD thesis. The various programs I’d written over the last few months suddenly fell into place. They were all connected to his PhD. He’d simply used me for his personal advancement all the while! Even the work he assigned me in the office turned out to be connected to his PhD program. Though I had suspected it for a while, I had not been sure.

  But now I was wild! I hadn’t done my own PhD or tried for a scholarship to the US out of ennui while this guy had the temerity to use me to do his own PhD! I realized why he always sat by my side at the computer terminal to keep an eye on things. That was his way of befriending me besides ensuring I picked up the basics of his PhD soundly before he entrusted me with more complex problems.

  At that very moment I decided I’d look for a change of job. Such a boss would only use me for completing his own PhD, dangling promises of recommending me for my PhD the next year to keep me enticed, but would retract his assurances once he saw no further need for me on his PhD.

  In the evening I discussed the matter with father. He agreed I should get away from such a boss at the earliest. He naturally advised me to apply to another government job, considering the relatively greater job security in government jobs and the pension benefits involved.

  I didn’t ask him about Ragini’s fever or Shalini’s whereabouts lest I sound too obvious about my interest in her- though the state of my heart was no secret at home. I went to another payphone after dinner and dialed Shalini’s residence number from the kiosk. Cellphones were still in their infancy in those days and affordable only by the affluent few- of whom I wasn’t one. For the rest, it was still STD and local phone booths available on roadsides and at marketplaces.

  To my dismay, Shalini’s father answered my call. I’d hoped Shalini would be around. She usually took the call when she was home. Had she not returned from her tour yet, or had she returned and gone on another one?

  “Uncle, I heard from father that Ragini’s sick again?”

  He sighed. “It’s a bad time for us, son. After you left, we consulted another doctor, this time from the PMO. A common friend referred us to him. He advised some rare blood tests usually associated with cancer. When I mentioned about a previous doctor’s doubts about spleen enlargement, he got an MRI done on Ragini.”

  “What did the MRI show?”

  “The spleen is only marginally enlarged- the PMO doctor doesn’t think it’s responsible for the fever. Seems it’s normal for some people to have a slightly larger spleen. Anyway, Ragini doesn’t complaint of any pain or discomfort in the abdomen.”

  That was strange. I’d based my entire research on this slim evidence of spleen enlargement. I quickly ran through the other remedies in my mind that I’d studied but discarded them rapidly. My choice of Ferrum Arsenicum seemed sound enough. Before I could suggest the remedy to him, the line went dead.

  I pursed my lips. Like so many other things, telephony too was hopeless in the country. I redialed his number. Almost instantly there was a click as the receiver lifted at the other end.

  “Uncle, can you note down another remedy for Ragini?”

  “Hello, Romeo.”

  I was taken aback. It was Shalini! So sweet her voice sounded. I was hearing it after an eternity it seemed.

  “Shalini?” I almost shouted.

  “I heard you’d become a doctor,” was her mirthful rejoinder.

  “What’s wrong if your sister recovers,” I retorted.

  “I didn’t mean to make fun,” she clarified soberly. “We’re all quite worried. Father said how you tried with China 200 during your last visit.”

  “Did Ragini tell everyone that I prescribed the medicines myself instead of consulting a doctor?”

  “What’s wrong with that, RK?” she asked. “We both already know of your interest in homeopathy. Now our parents know as well.”

  “Well, I’m trying my best.”

  “Your medicine did seem to cure her- but only for a brief period. Then the stupid fever came back with the same intensity.”

  “How’s she now? Is the pattern of the fever same?”

  “Yes, the pattern is same. She’s weak, depressed- and we all believe- well, let me not say anything aloud over phone lest others in the house hear.”

  “Are you all worried about cancer? Your father said the PMO doctor advised some tests related to cancer.”

  “You got it.”

  “Will you let me try another time?” I pressed hopefully. “I’ve been studying her case carefully for a while now. If she’s your sister, she’s my sister too.”

  “Alright- but you’re not a doctor, RK. What can you do when top doctors are confused, medical tests are showing up to be normal. Even I suspect...” Her voice broke.

  “I don’t know- but I don’t think it’s cancer,” I said, without any solid ground for thinking like that. Maybe I said it to make her feel better. “When we can’t explain a disease, it’s natural to be frightened and think of the worst. In her case, it’s weakening her progressively. She’s been sick for more than four months, I believe.”

  “More than six. Anyway, what medicine do you want me to write down?”

  “Ferrum Arsenicum 6. Four pills in the morning, four at night. Try it for a week.”

  “Thanks, RK,” she said with a sob. “We’ll definitely give it a try.”

  My heart melted. She was actually weeping over the phone and sharing her grief with me. She considered me her own!

  “Don’t cry, Shalini, otherwise I’ll cry too,” I said, letting my voice crack a bit on purpose, but quickly checked myself from faking it further as I felt cheap.

  I wanted to stand there and talk to her all night. However, it wasn’t to be, as the phone booth’s owner knocked on my kiosk’s door before long, pointing to the building queue outside.

  “Shalini, I’ll call back later to know about Ragini’s progress,” I promised. “There’s a crowd outside waiting for their turn. Bye for now.”

  I felt relieved after talking to her, but also all the more lonely, wishing I was by her side to share her grief and tension in her hour of need. I wanted to apply for my next vacation immediately and rush to Delhi to be by her side.

  The next day brought me back to the coldly formal atmosphere in office. I had to get out of this place fast. Father wanted me to apply to another government job. One of the drawbacks in government jobs was that staff applying to other government jobs had to route their application through their current boss as per the existing norms. In other words the boss always got to know of your plans to move out, where you applied and had an opportunity to throw a monkey wrench in your plans if he so wished.

  Nonetheless, keeping my father's advice in mind, I decided to switch to another government job, in an aeronautical agency and applied through my boss. He tried to dissuade me initially, but soon changed his tone and started encouraging me to make the switch instead. I was faintly surprised at the sudden change in his demeanor. Maybe I’d misunderstood the man.

  “That aeronautical agency is promising,” he said. “The job would also align better with your bachelor's qualification.”

  Perhaps, the guy wasn’t so bad after all. A few weeks later I was called for interview. Before attending it I brushed up my knowledge on aeronautics. I did surprisingly well at the interview. My present stint at the imaging center had boosted my confidence to a healthy level.

  As was usual in government job interviews, the panel of interviewers consisted of fifteen officials from different departments and go
vernment agencies. They primarily concentrated on my job responsibilities at the imaging center, but briefly touched upon my aeronautic basics acquired at graduation as well. I had done well to brush up my basics prior to the interview.

  By the time we reached the end of my interview, broad smiles were passing around the interview table- a sure sign of my success and selection. I felt encouraged to ask the head of the panel, Thyagarajan, if I could know the result before leaving.

  He smiled. “You're young and bright- and did well today. But nothing can be confirmed yet since we’ve to follow standard procedures before announcing the selection results. Things might be faster in the private sector, but don’t expect the same here. There are protocols to be observed and red tape to be loosened- however, let me see if I can help. Would you like to wait in the reception?”

  So I waited in the reception for over an hour, but there was no news. When I checked up I was told by his PA to depart since the result couldn’t be shared with candidates so early.

  I returned to my office in a hopeful mood. On the way I stopped over at a roadside kiosk to call up Shalini’s house, feeling high.

  Her mother answered the phone gruffly. I wondered why she was always abrupt and rude with me. Whatever had happened to her? Earlier she used to behave so nicely with me.

  “Hello Aunty, how’s Ragini?”

  “The PMO doctor’s medicine has finally started working,” she informed. “Her fever’s peak has dropped to 100F.”

  “That’s great news! By the way, where’s Shalini?”

  “Where else at this hour, but at the office,” she replied smugly. “Aren’t you working?”

  “Why shouldn’t I, Aunty?”

  “Well, you seem to have a lot of time to call up our house at odd hours,” she replied discourteously. “I can hear the sound of traffic behind you. Where are you?”

  “Oh, I just stepped out of the office to check on Ragini’s health.” Before she could hang up, I added, “I’ll call again tonight.”

  I had to talk to Shalini. The good part was that she wasn’t traveling. Her mother had said she was in office. Thoughtfully I made my way back to my own office. Dwapayanan took me to lunch in the cafeteria and asked about the interview.

  “Don't worry, you'll get selected,” he said in a kind voice. “Who was the head of your interview panel? If you want I can try contacting him to find out the result for you.”

  I told him Thyagarajan's name, but asked him not to call up the guy. I could afford to wait. The good part was that Dwapayanan had reconciled to my decision of leaving my job and there was a friendly atmosphere and bonhomie all around.

  Till Shenoy called me aside after lunch.

  “Guess what, RK?” he said mysteriously. “Our boss Dwapayanan has done it again. He's been rather busy of late.”

  I looked at him askance as he winked.

  “While you were gone to the aeronautical agency, he was busy on the phone,” he informed. “I overheard him talking to someone called Thyagarajan.”

  Thyagarajan? The head of my interview panel at the aeronautical agency?

  “It was coffee break and most of the staff had gone down to the third floor for coffee,” Shenoy continued. “I noticed Dwapayanan missing and came back wondering if he was looking for me, since I had a deliverable to complete by afternoon.”

  I sat back in my chair, waiting for him to go on. But I had a fairly good idea what he wanted to tell.

  “What was he talking to Thyagarajan about?” I asked slowly.

  “First a small background- Thyagarajan and Dwapayanan both hail from the same village.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I checked with one of my friends who works in the aeronautical agency,” he replied. “Both Thyagarajan and Dwapayanan belong to the same village and grew up together. In the south, these things matter a lot, you know.”

  My heart kept sinking as he went on.

  “Dwapayanan first confirmed if Thyagarajan was heading your interview panel. Then he told him you looked bright on the surface and mostly had witty replies too, but shirked your responsibilities when it came to getting the actual job done. And that you squabbled over each of your performance ratings. In short, he said you were a nuisance.”

  “How could he say that? It’s a lie!”

  “That’s not all. He said that as a result there were often missed schedules, escalations and loss, besides the accompanying embarrassment when he met his senior management.”

  “How mean of him.”

  “There’s more,” Shenoy said with relish. “He said he regretted the day he had hired you and would be happy if someone else took you off his hands. But he didn't wish ill for Thyagarajan since their friendship went back a long way and told him to reject you, saying he’d planned something else to take care of you.”

  That did it. Was this my reward for working diligently for two years at this place? It meant that when my boss inquired over lunch who’d headed the interview panel at the aeronautical agency, he’d simply been double checking to make sure he didn’t have to speak to anyone else there to reject me. Otherwise, he already knew who headed the panel and had left no stone unturned to sabotage my interview.

  Seeing such a display of crab mentality of pulling the other person down, I was fairly confident I’d never prosper in these jobs, and wondered about the people father had mentioned in his jobs, who bought several houses and cars with salaries and perks that lagged the private sector by a vast margin. What was their actual source of income? Whatever it was, I wasn’t equipped to solve the nation’s problems. I had to worry about my own present job and get away from it fast.

  I narrated the interview incident to my father that night. He said to be patient and wait for the result. It was possible Shenoy was jealous since I was in the boss's good books and wanted to throw a wrench into our relationship by spreading false tales. I agreed to wait and watch before jumping to a conclusion.

  After hanging up, I called up Shalini’s number. Her father answered the phone.

  “How’re you, Rajat?” he said in a pleased tone. “Your medicine seems to be working fine this time, son.”

  “I thought it was the PMO doctor’s medicine?”

  “Who told you that? How can his medicine work? He never prescribed any. He just asked us to maintain a chart of Ragini’s fever for a month before reviewing the case for further course of action. We started your medicine before that.”

  I remembered his wife’s claim to the contrary earlier in the day, but kept quiet, wondering why that woman was so mean towards me. She could have easily acknowledged my contribution instead of lying about someone else’s medicine doing the job. After all, I was helping her daughter, so she should have expressed gratitude.

  “What did he wish to observe further for a month, uncle?” I asked. “Wasn’t your observation, all those blood tests, X-rays, MRIs and Ragini’s suffering of over six months, sufficient for him to diagnose the disease and prescribe medicines?”

  “You’re absolutely right, Rajat. Sometimes I wonder how these doctors earn their degrees, and from where. Anyway,” he said, brushing aside the topic. “Do you think the fever will subside entirely this time? It’s declining at a slower rate compared to last time.”

  “It’s better that way, uncle. Sudden changes are not good. What goes away slowly won’t come back fast either,” I said, trying to sound scientific as if discussing the laws of motion in physics. He didn’t know how to respond to my logic and kept silent. “Don’t worry, Uncle, she should recover this time. Is Shalini around?”

  “She’s on tour, son. I’ll tell her you called when she returns.”

  “When would she return?” I asked. So, her mother had lied that she was away in office- unless she had meant that her daughter was away in office in another city.

  “That’s always difficult to guess. Often she herself doesn’t know.”

  I’d already heard that before. />
  Returning home dejected, I mulled over my situation in the office. Father had said to be patient and wait for my interview’s result. It was indeed possible Shenoy was simply jealous since I was in the boss's good books. But after a few weeks I got a rejection slip from the aeronautical agency.

  Shenoy had been right. I decided at that time I’d never apply to a government job again. Otherwise my unscrupulous boss would always know where I was applying and try sabotaging my endeavor repeatedly. I considered the private sector instead. Maybe it would be better. The good thing about applying to jobs in the private sector was that I no longer needed to route my application through my boss. He’d never know where I applied. And what he didn't know, he couldn't sabotage.

  So I started applying to jobs in the private sector with gusto. This was the way to beat him at his own game.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I felt bruised with my recent experiences in office, realizing how it felt to be stabbed in the back, when the boss you assumed good and helpful sabotaged your chances behind your back. However, the bad experience snapped me out of my complacency. In the first place I’d never wanted to work in a low salaried job anyway. But my father had insisted that joining a government organization was good for career security so I’d joined and Dwapayanan had succeeded in chaining me to my role by heaping generous praises which I lapped up naively. Since I had no other offers in hand at that time, or any other work experience, the job hadn’t been a bad deal to start my sagging career. But no more.

  It was time to part ways. I didn't want to inform father of my intention to apply to jobs in the private sector. I finally decided it wouldn't matter to Shalini whether I remained plain and simple Rajat Kumar or became Dr. Rajat Kumar. If my MSIT qualification had failed to impress her, so would the prefix of a pompous Dr. added to my name after toiling through four to six years of hard academic labor to earn a degree in PhD. By that time there was also the risk of seeing her walk into someone else’s arms, which I simply couldn’t afford. The big question on my mind still remained the same- did she care about me?