Destiny Mine

by Janelle Taylor

  Kionee joined her busy family, sent them feigned smiles to imply everything was fine, and did her tasks. Within a short period, she mounted Tuka, moved into her assigned position, and left her lover far behind.

  20

  THE HANUEVA TRIBE had traveled south for five days when they reached the large river where it bent southwest. They halted to camp on its bank near the forest of medicine bows. They would remain there long enough to rest from the plains’ heat and their exertions and to gather needed things which grew in this area. Afterward, they would head northwestward to skirt the base of the mountains of the bighorn animals until they arrived at the mouth of the canyon of the river wind. There, they would journey through a large pass between two ranges to their destination near the hot springs.

  At dusk when others were busy and distracted, Taysinga and Kionee put a daring plan into motion after the older tiva made a wild suggestion to which the younger agreed. Taysinga approached and asked Night Walker if he would guard the path toward a secluded spot where the two women were going to bathe and to repair their sweat-smudged masks.

  “Kionee waits for me to join him at the river,” Taysinga said, “but we need a strong and brave man to protect us from animals and enemies.”

  “Where is Maja?”

  “Kionee said he hunts in the forest and will not return soon.”

  “I will watch the trail and guard you from any danger,” Night Walker agreed.

  “Thank you, Night Walker. There is no better hunter and defender among us.”

  “Your words are kind and they please me, Taysinga.”

  “I will go and tend my tasks, unafraid with you nearby.”

  Taysinga hurried to the place where Kionee sat on the bank with her bare feet in the cooling water. She stripped off her garments, waded into the river, and scrubbed her face clean of paints. She unbraided her hair, washed it, and allowed the air to dry the dark strands that cascaded down her back. Standing in kneehigh water, she faced Kionee. “Why do you not join me?” she asked.

  Kionee nodded the signal that Night Walker was spying on them, for she had listened and watched in furtiveness. “You took long to come. I have finished. I stayed so you would not be alone if danger approaches.”

  “We are not in peril, for Night Walker guards the path for us. No threat is larger than his prowess and courage.”

  Kionee smiled and teased, “You glow and your voice softens when you speak his name. Is there something about him which touches and warms the woman hidden within you? I will tell no one what you say to me.”

  Taysinga laughed, and did everything she could to reveal and enhance her feminine side. “His face is easy to look upon. His body is sleek and hard and swift; it has no weaknesses or scars. When I gaze upon him, I have a strange craving here,” she murmured and placed a hand over her loins. “It is like a hunger which must be fed or I will starve. When I hear his voice or see his smile, I feel strange. When I am near him or touch him, I quiver. Why do I do this, Kionee?”

  “You love and desire him as a woman for a man. You live as a male, my friend, but you are female; that is what your feelings tell you.”

  “I fear what you say is true, as a great battle rages within me.”

  “Why does what is natural trouble you? We cannot control instincts.”

  “Just as we cannot control our destinies. We are tivas, Kionee. We are trapped by our ranks and duties. If I lived as a woman, I would be a good mate and mother.”

  “A tiva can be freed to join if our laws are met.”

  “How can I tell Night Walker my feelings when he views me as a man? If I approached him, he would be insulted. If he would accept me as his mate, I would do anything he asks to please him.”

  Just keep standing there naked and lovely to enflame his loins, and keep voicing bold thoughts to stimulate him. “I cannot speak of Night Walker’s feelings and hungers; only he can do so. If Atah chooses you for his mate, our chiefs son will ask you to break your kim to join him.”

  Taysinga continued to pose seductively to ensnare her concealed love. “What if a man of our tribe asks you to become a woman again for him?”

  “He would waste words,” Kionee answered quickly, “for there is none among us who steals my eye, stirs my heart, and heats my body as Night Walker does for you. You shiver,” she suddenly observed.

  “Darkness and cool air come soon; I must finish my tasks. We will speak of this again on another moon when we are alone.”

  Kionee saw Taysinga step from the water and dry herself, then braid her raven hair, all the while using graceful and provocative moves and facing toward the woods. Kionee waited as the tiva concealed her shapely body beneath male garments and lovely face beneath colorful paints on a black background.

  “I am ready to return to camp, Kionee. Pray I do not expose my feelings for Night Walker if nothing can come of them.”

  “Pray for what is best and right and that is what will come to pass,” she replied, and hoped that was true for both of them.

  Carrying their possessions, the two tivas walked to where the chiefs son leaned against a tree with a knife in his hand, prepared for trouble if it struck. Taysinga smiled and thanked Night Walker for his protection. The man gazed at her a moment, nodded, and glanced toward camp.

  Kionee spoke her gratitude without smiling or using extra words. She wanted to stress that although she was disinterested, Taysinga was just the opposite. She noticed beads of moisture on Night Stalker’s upper lip and forehead, a slight flush to his cheeks, and a gleam in his dark eyes. She surmised they came from an attack of lust after the stunning sight he witnessed. Since Kionee had told him he could not have her for a mate, surely the splendid sight of Taysinga’s face and body would prove to him the older female should be his next and best choice.

  Kionee walked a little ahead of the two hunters as she listened to Taysinga praising Night Walker for his prowess, kindness, and past deeds. Since the tiva truly felt and thought that way, her honesty was obvious. Kionee reasoned it must be heady and arousing to such a vain man to learn he was so adored and desired and respected. If she was not mistaken, the huskiness she heard in his voice proved her conclusions were right.

  Kionee excused herself to join her family to complete daily tasks before the evening meal. Maja returned and lay down nearby, resting his muzzle on his forelegs. He glanced up at her when she stroked his ears, then looked at the ground, which was unlike him. Kionee reasoned that he also missed Stalking Wolfs companionship.

  Since striking camp, Maja’s normally shiny and alert gaze appeared dulled; his tail hung low as he walked beside her and Tuka; his pace and vigor seemed slowed. Kionee worried over the animal’s lack of attention, and sluggish manner. It was as if the vital creature had grown old and listless overnight.

  Kionee leaned over and hugged the silver wolf. She whispered in his ear, “I love you and need you, Maja, my best friend. I cannot lose you as I lost Stalking Wolf. Call your lost spirit back to you, for we will live as companions for life if Atah does not hear our prayers and answer them.”

  Maja moved his head to lay it on Kionee’s thigh, seeming to sense her need for comfort. He had a need for the same things for which she yearned: a companion, a mate, someone lying beside him. But each time he felt the urges to return to the wild and to mate, he quelled them. Kionee had saved his life and she loved him, needed him. If he left her side, both would be alone and miserable; and she would be in peril if she did not have him to protect her.

  In that forest and in the one on the bighorn range which they reached many days later, Kionee, Taysinga, and others guarded the women as they gathered nuts, berries, roots, and plants. Afterward, the tivas and men collected woods for bows, tool and weapon handles, and arrow shafts. During the long and harsh winter when much time was spent inside their tipis, the hunters would work on those tasks. Certain types of rocks were picked up to be used for arrowheads; they would be shaped and sharpened for lethal tips to bring down prey and to thwart f
oes. Turkeys and other large birds were hunted for fletchings; their feathers were packed with care to avoid damaging them. Sturdy sinews and thin strips of rawhide were ready for use as ties and were stored in parfleches. All they required for survival was in their possession.

  It was on the south fork of the river of powder banks that Kionee noticed how often Maja left her side to roam in the forest and foothills. The wolf vanished many times during the day and was gone for most of each night. She dreaded to imagine he was being pulled back to his old life. She could not envision her existence without her constant companion; yet, if a return to the wild made him happy, she should not stop him from going. Maja had not lived in captivity so he had not lost any of his survival and hunting skills and would not be in peril. She noticed how his vitality and the shine to his eyes had returned, and that made her happy. When he was with her, he seemed to pace in eagerness to take off into the woods again. Sometimes, she sensed powerful eyes on them, but she knew they did not belong to Stalking Wolf, was something only known to the silver beast that enticed him to frequent lengthy disappearances. Yet, he never failed to rejoin her at least once or twice a day, usually at dawn and at dusk. He seemed to do so to make certain she was safe and to ensure she was not forgotten and deserted. Even so, Kionee suspected and feared she was losing him to an unseen and potent force.

  On a moonless night near the creek of bad water, Kionee spoke with the chiefs son again. “My heart and answer have not changed, and they will not change,” she told him after he said this was the last time he would approach her about becoming his mate. “I want to remain your friend and brother, but I cannot become more to you. I am honored you view me as a worthy choice and I do not wish to injure your pride and feelings. Seek another to ask, one who loves and desires you, one matched to you in all ways. That is not me, Night Walker.”

  Night Walker nodded and said, “It will be as you say. Tell no one I came first to you, as knowing could hurt the heart of my second choice.”

  “Such words will never leave my lips.” She was surprised and relieved when he appeared to accept her response. That arduous task was over. Now, if she never won Stalking Wolf, she was fated for a life alone and childless.

  Five suns later, Kionee saw Night Walker with Taysinga. She hoped and prayed he was seeking the other tiva as his mate. She could not tell, for afterward the handsome male did not start playing the flute for the tiva or take her for rides on his horse. Others were present every time Taysinga was around her, and they could not speak in private so she could learn if their trick succeeded. Nor did Taysinga’s mood and expressions reveal anything to Kionee. Perhaps, Kionee reasoned, the couple had agreed to join but felt they must wait to reveal their plans until after they reached camp.

  The following day, the tribe halted early to bury Fire Woman who had died in peace and without suffering as she lay asleep on Regim’s travois.

  Kionee sat beside the earth mound for a long while after everyone left that lovely location; she wanted to visit with her maternal grandmother for a last time before her spirit reached the stars. She told herself she should not grieve over the woman’s departure from Mother Earth, as Fire Woman had enjoyed a happy and safe life with Regim as her Hunter-Guardian, and with Martay to give her grandchildren.

  That blessing was not true for some tiva families who had no other daughters to continue their bloodlines; those circles closed forever when unmated and childless tivas died or were slain by enemies. Sumba’s parents were fortunate to have other girls to continue theirs after the tiva was killed during the Crow attack. Kionee still missed Sumba and often thought of her lost friend.

  A tiny smile appeared on Kionee’s face when she wondered what Sumba would say if she knew Taysinga had become such a good friend. She had worked hard to effect the truce with Taysinga. At first, Kionee admitted, her overtures were only for purposes of making peace; later, real friendship had been born. Even so, she thought it best to conceal her love and desire for Stalking Wolf from the older tiva.

  Kionee went into the woods to empty her stomach of tainted food she must have eaten. Afterward, she chewed on herbs from her medicine pouch to settle her churning belly and to refresh her mouth. As she did so, she learned the reason for Maja’s joy and disappearances when she saw the silver creature playing with a gray wolf. She watched the male lick and stroke the female’s muzzle with his own. She watched him rub himself against the female’s furry pelt, moving along one side and then the other as if caressing a lover. They let their tongues dance together before they raced deeper into the forest to savor their discovery of each other.

  Kionee smiled and warmed as she realized Maja had found a lone she-wolf to become his mate. A mate…That was a joyous victory for her companion. Yet, she would miss him when he left her side for theirs, which he would and must. If only she could obtain a joyous victory of her own.

  Not a day or night had passed without thoughts and dreams of Stalking Wolf and the life they could share if her destiny changed. She had assumed it would be easier to adjust to his loss with distance between them; she was wrong. She yearned for him. Her body craved a union with his. Her lips hungered to taste his. How could she ever forget him and what they had shared? How could she ever be happy again without him? How could she clear her wits when anguish over his absence dulled and-clouded them?

  Kionee knew it was dangerous to be so distracted and dispirited. It was difficult to pretend nothing was wrong when her heart had been knifed from her body. No captivity could be stronger than Stalking Wolfs hold over her. No torture could be more painful than the denial of him in her life, at least in her arms.

  Help me, Atah, her wounded heart and soul cried out, for I am alone and injured and in great need. Can You not find a way to join us?

  Kionee dried her tears, took a deep breath, and headed for camp.

  On her way there, she encountered Regim. Both women halted and looked at each other. Regim shook her head in sad awareness, for Kionee had not been given enough time to conceal her troubled emotions.

  “The light is gone from your eyes, and tears have replaced it,” she observed. “The smile has left your face, and pain makes lines in it which your mask does not hide. Joy has escaped your body. Weariness steals your spirit, and you move as one who is old. Your heart bleeds over the Cheyenne warrior’s loss as mine does over Fire Woman’s.”

  Kionee lowered her gaze. “Yes, my Tiva-Chu and friend, for I love him and need him. If I cannot have him, why did Atah put such powerful desire in my heart and body?”

  “I do not know. You are strong, brave, and good, Kionee. Atah has blessed and gifted you with many skills and strengths. If it was possible for anyone to battle and defeat such a force and challenge, you could do so. As I watch you and sense your sufferings, it brings back thoughts of the long past moon when I loved and desired a man and could not have him. Does he know you are a woman? Does he also love and desire you?”

  “Yes, but I did not tell him or do anything to expose myself to him. His instincts and skills are great, so he guessed my secret. He promised to tell no one, and he will keep his word. He said it was in his vision and those of their shaman for him to find a mate this season; he believes I am the woman for him and that is why our paths were crossed and why the signs of our animal spirits match and adorn our shields.” That thought elicited another one as her distressed mind wandered for a moment. “Maja has been given a mate; she follows us and they meet in the forest; soon he will leave me to return to his old life and I will be alone.”

  She sensed Kionee’s despair and fear as she asked, “Did Stalking Wolf ask you to join to him?”

  “Yes, many times, but I told him I could not leave my rank and family. He knows I cannot run away with him and endanger our alliance. He said he would wait until my destiny changed and Atah freed me.”

  “Perhaps I was wrong when I said this was a test, an evil, you must fight and conquer. Perhaps, for reasons we do not understand and know, Atah brought you togeth
er for more than the deeds you carried out as companions. Yet, until He changes your destiny and our laws, you cannot go to him, for the risks are too great and the dangers are too painful.”

  “There is no hope for us to be together, for I cannot betray what I am.”

  “With Fire Woman gone to live with the spirits in the stars, if Atah freed you, I could live with Strong Rock and Martay; I could be their Hunter-Guardian. But for me to take your place and for you to flee without Atah releasing you first, you and your family would face dishonor and endure great anguish. To choose Stalking Wolf—an outsider—over your parents, rank, people, and laws would stain you and your family. Stalking Wolf would become our enemy if he helped you. Our bond with the Cheyenne would be broken. Does his love and a life with him mean that much to you?”

  “I cannot make that choice on this moon while my heart is in pain and my wits are dulled. I must wait and pray for Atah to send me a message to tell me what I must do before I act.”

  “That is good and wise, Kionee; your heart is not selfish. I love you and I am proud of you. I will be near when you need to speak again, and I will be near if you decide to act upon your desires for him.”

  Kionee hugged the older woman and thanked her for comfort and understanding. It had taken much for Regina to confess an unrequited love and to speak with such honesty and openness. It felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders now that she had the woman to help her carry it. She smiled. “I thank Atah you are my friend and my mother’s…sister.” Yet, Kionee realized, Regim had said such things because the Tiva-Chu did not know she had already broken their law by yielding to passion. Kionee decided this was not the right time to confess such shocking news to her.