My Once and Future Love

by Carla Krae

  A lot of gifts for Jacob came with this stop in NYC, so I was tasked with shipping them home. He’d decide what to keep later.

  After another sold-out concert complete with holiday song encore, I asked Jacob if I could take the bathroom for a while. He was too amped to sleep, yet, so he left for one of the other’s rooms and gave me some privacy. I sunk into the big tub with a sigh and closed my eyes.

  Bliss.

  Chapter Four

  Don’t know how long I slept in there, but I woke from a door closing. I reached for my watch. Midnight. There were voices—Jacob’s and…a girl?

  Oh, god, don’t do this to me.

  Where the hell did he find a girl and why was she here? I got out of the bath to tell him he needed to sleep alone, drying off and grabbing a robe first, when I heard giggling, and then a moan. A female moan.

  Oh. My. God.

  I couldn’t leave the bathroom without going through his room.

  The sounds became more passionate. I pleaded with the universe to kill me now. Just kill me. If there was any more clear way to show he was over me, I didn’t know what it was.

  I listened to him get her off twice. He’d brought home a screamer.

  That son of a bitch.

  It hurt, and that made me angry. I had no hold over him anymore, no commitment, promises, or even mutual feelings, apparently. He was my boss, so why shouldn’t he enjoy pleasurable company for a night?

  Yeah, Beth, why shouldn’t he? You let him go.

  Shut up.

  You’re the one afraid to leave the bathroom.

  I’m not listening…

  Two hours later, it’d been quiet for a while and my tears had all run out. I risked peeking out the door and discovered the lights were off and he was asleep. The girl wasn’t there. Carrying my clothes, I started to tiptoe to the sitting room, then I stopped.

  I threw my brush at him. It landed with a smack on his bare chest.

  “What the fuck?” He sat up and blinked in the darkness. “Beth?”

  “Don’t ‘Beth’ me.”

  He rubbed his chest where I hit him. “What time is it?”

  “Two in the morning. Where’d you find the bimbo?”

  His eyes widened. “You saw her leave?”

  “No, I heard you screwing like bunnies. Look, who you put your dick into is your business, but you bring a girl back with you on this tour again and I walk.”

  “You’re under contract.”

  “With a morality clause that states if I’m unhappy with activities you engage in like prostitution, drugs, alcohol, etcetera, I’m free to resign with a nice severance.” Take that, you bastard.

  “She wasn’t a hooker.”

  “Fine, a groupie. I don’t care, Jacob. You forgot we share this suite, I was stuck in the bathroom, and it was humiliating.”

  “Why were you still in the loo?”

  “I fell asleep in the tub, but that’s not important--”

  He turned the bedside lamp on. “My God, Beth, you could’ve drowned!”

  “Preferable to listening to you banging some floozy! What if she’s one of those crazy fans that is going to stalk you now, huh?”

  “I…I didn’t think of that.”

  “Well, I have to. According to your manager, your reputation is in my hands. If I keep a tight leash, it’s because it’s necessary.”

  “I’m sorry, Beth. It won’t happen again.”

  “Thank you.” I retrieved my brush. “Sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.”

  I left the bedroom, closed the door, and cried all over again.

  ****

  He didn’t fall asleep again ‘til after she did. She tried to be quiet, but he heard her cry.

  Why would she of all people be in tears? He never hurt her, had been nothing but kind the whole trip. She dumped him—he had every right to date again, or even just have a little fun.

  Bringing Beth on tour was a bad idea. It was just…instead of seeing the old Bethie in that market, he found a shadow of the girl. Seeing her on hard times didn’t bring the feeling of pleasure he thought it would these years alone. He wanted to help.

  Instead he caused her pain, something so unexpected he was thrown, and didn’t know where to go from here.

  Why the bloody hell did he still care?

  A part of him still loved her, that’s why. He knew it the night he saw her again and felt it for sure, now. He couldn’t trust her with his heart again, but he couldn’t bear seeing her in pain, either, especially if he was at fault. At the very least, he was insensitive tonight.

  The morning was very awkward. Beth was even further detached and the camaraderie they’d started to build was gone. He tried to apologize again, but every time he started to speak she found an excuse to walk away.

  ****

  We tried being normal in front of the guys, but I wasn’t sure we were fooling anyone. When Bob asked to talk to me privately, I knew we weren’t.

  “Spill.”

  “It’s private, Bob.”

  He loomed over me. “I don’t care. It’s affecting how he works.”

  “Oh, it’s affecting him. How awful. You don’t know, okay?”

  “What happened, Beth?”

  “He upset me, I told him, and he apologized. It’s fine,” I said, glaring up at him.

  “Like hell. He looks at you like a scolded puppy. Fix it.”

  Sure, take his side. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Then make him smile again, I don’t care what, but he’s not focused.”

  “I can’t control his thoughts, Bob. Talk to him yourself.” I walked away. I didn’t have the time.

  “I will,” he yelled.

  I don’t know if they had a heart-to-heart or not, but Jacob was back to his usual self in a few days. I hadn’t expected him to mope for long, anyway. That would imply remorse, and he didn’t do guilt.

  The tour continued.

  Putting more distance between me and my ex was the only way I could cope.

  I was PA Robot Beth. I didn’t joke with him, tease him, or treat him in any way but as my boss. He didn’t comment or ask me why, and I was grateful. Surviving two more months in close quarters with him wasn’t something I was sure I could do now.

  Hearing him with another woman brought back the memory of that voice in his apartment telling me he was in the shower, the devastation I felt, and led to thinking about other things going on at that time. I woke up crying from nightmares about his betrayal or my mother dying every night. They happened so many times in a row, I lost count.

  ****

  Doors on the bus weren’t as soundproof as Beth thought. They heard her at night, and after the third nightmare in a row, Dylan asked Jacob if he knew what was wrong. He didn’t know what she dreamt about, of course, but he told his mates to make her job easy as possible for a while, hoping it was temporary.

  She wouldn’t talk to him, so it was all he could do.

  Only person she still smiled for was Reggie, head of Jacob’s gig security. Reggie was a solid bloke, old enough to have a wife and kids back home, and a giant. He took a fatherly interest in anyone he liked and one of those people was Beth. Jacob hoped they’d chat about what was bothering her before the tour was over or this relationship wasn’t going to work.

  ****

  New Year’s Eve 2007

  His publicist approached me. “Miss Lawson, I have a new task for you.”

  “What’s up?”

  She handed me a digital camera. “We’re adding a message board to the official site and we want you to moderate it. Choose an anonymous name. Take pictures of the rest of the tour that would be appropriate to put on the Web.”

  “Shouldn’t you have a site admin on that full time?”

  “Oh, the technical side is handled. We need someone we can trust to interact with the fans and tell us what they say. Thanks, doll. You’re a peach. See you back in L.A.!” She ran off to party with people more important than me.


  As if I didn’t have a full schedule already…Lynn the Publicist was going to kill me.

  It’d been several years since I held a camera, but thankfully the little digital point-and-shoot didn’t resemble mine or my mother’s at all, so I took photos with a clinical detachment. Some were during concerts, some backstage, and a few funny ones on the bus. Posting from my laptop was easy enough and the exclusives for the fan club were a huge hit.

  European fans started begging for concerts thanks to the coverage on the fan sites, especially the official band page. I had private admin access to moderate the threads and posted the photos as Tour Spy, the forum member with bogus details in her profile and a constantly changing IP. They loved me and I had hundreds of young women and teens sucking up to me for more info.

  We got a new driver for January. The bus company liked to rotate them to minimize fatigue. Bus Driver John said he’d be back for the last leg of the tour. I liked him better than the new guy, who smelled funny.

  Jacob was right about the guys being a good bunch. Once Dylan got used to me, he started to open up, and we found we had some of the same taste in books. Bob was coarse, but harmless, and a hard worker. Mikey was the laid-back one and the easiest to ask to do something. And Aaron…well, now I knew what having an annoying little brother would’ve been like. He was a good kid, though, just really needed to mature a few years.

  The tour finished a rousing success. Lynn was so impressed; she wanted Jacob to do a live Q&A on the site when we got back, with me as the interviewer.

  “I can’t type for crap, Beth. It took me hours of proofreading to get through uni. I try to communicate in live time, they’re going to think I’m an idiot who can’t spell.”

  “Don’t be such a baby. I’m posting your answers. All you have to do is sit there and talk.”

  “Oh.”

  “Trust me, huh? Your career is in safe hands.” I had incentive until my debts were paid.

  We had so many hits to the website that day, they almost crashed the server. The tech admin and I decided to post a pre-written Q&A every month that would be on a static page. I’d hand pick the questions, and Jacob could answer them when he had time. The interaction with the fans made them adore him more.

  ****

  The band performed at the Grammy Awards. Jacob was nominated for Best New Artist, two less nods than the AMA’s in November. His publicist walked the red carpet with the band due to me having a twisted ankle.

  There was a pretty girl on his arm. They kept smiling at each other, and he stopped to whisper in her ear every so often as they walked down the carpet. I recognized her as the girl from the recent video shoot, Calandra. Guess the chemistry wasn’t just for the camera.

  He was interviewed by nearly every correspondent down the line, and photos of him were all over Getty Images the next day. He made the best dressed list on Entertainment Tonight, too. There was speculation on the internet by morning of whether he and his date were just together for the night, or a new item.

  Lynn sent me an e-mail about getting him to the InStyle Oscar Viewing Party now he was a hot item. A courier arrived with his tickets and my access badge, and a stylist came to the house to fit him for a designer suit. It was my first time shadowing him on a red carpet.

  “Couldn’t she get me into the Vanity Fair After Party?”

  “I don’t know, Jacob.” I worked on my laptop while he was being fitted. “Are you taking Calandra?”

  “Don’t know, yet. Let me know if any other invitations come in.”

  “I always do.”

  The night of the Academy Awards, Marty picked us up in the limo and drove us to the party. He was a very reliable and friendly chauffeur and I liked working with him best so far. Calandra arrived separately, but she and Jacob walked the red carpet together, posing for plenty of photos. TVs were set up to watch the ceremony, but most of the guests were busy eating and networking. I shadowed Jacob, holding what he wanted me to and trying not to bump any celebrities and get myself kicked out. From there, the whole band went to the Elton John party after the award show. I have no idea how Jacob managed to get in, but no one blocked us from entering.

  How did I find myself in this life, walking past people carrying Oscar trophies? I didn’t get to talk to anyone cool, of course—I was the help. People behind the scenes didn’t mingle with the famous ones, but I saw stuff no regular girl got to. By the time we got home at three in the morning, I was exhausted and my feet felt a size too big.

  ****

  Jacob’s ducks were in a row and he was having the best year of his life. The public adored him, critics praised him, and he finally had enough success to really have fun. Clubs let him in for free, invites came for top premieres and parties, and designers were begging him to wear their clothes. Life was sweet.

  The publicity relationship with Calandra was a little confining, but at least she was a hell of a kisser. The label wanted to get her image out there, her debut releasing later in the year, and what better way than to attach her to their It Boy. If there was a place he’d be photographed in public, she was on his arm.

  Only he, Calandra, and their publicists knew the truth. The industry had theories and rumors, but nothing to back them with. They were both very careful about who they saw and where. Even Beth believed he had a girlfriend, which was a bit satisfying in its own right.

  His ex was jealous, or at least he suspected she was. It proved things weren’t as in-the-past for her as she liked to act—a bit of sweet retribution for her dumping him without a word those years ago. Still…it was hard to have so much distance between them. He’d trusted her almost as much as he did his mother and she walked away, leaving him without a best friend or lover. Why?

  No matter how he tried to bring it up, she wouldn’t talk about the past.

  He “dated” Calandra for six months, long enough to give her career a healthy boost.

  He was photographed with many women at parties and clubs, but he never took one home. As the band gained more success, the guys spent less time hanging out together outside of work, opportunities knocking on all their doors, and he got lonely. So, he had fun and passed the time and built the reputation everyone expected him to have. Publicity paid your rent even if it was bad.

  At first, it was for show.

  ****

  The exposure made him an instant media darling. Photo shoots, interviews, even a guest appearance on the hottest teen drama of the season were being requested. Not for the band—Jacob.

  By summer, he was less secretly-sensitive poet and more love-‘em-and-leave-‘em rock star. Calandra was on his arm for public events until August, but I knew she wasn’t the only girl he saw. Stardom had truly turned him into a player.

  Yep, all play and no responsibility. I even filled out his checks for him, just asking him to sign his name. He’d always run in his own orbit, so to speak, but now…he started taking everything for granted.

  Especially me.

  “Bethie…” came over the intercom.

  I pressed the “talk” button on the unit. “Yeah?”

  “Order in some food. The guys are comin’ over.”

  “What do you want? And how many do you mean by ‘the guys’?” He’d taken to hosting parties or get-togethers on short notice and making Maria and I scramble to put out enough food.

  “Just some friends. Set it up by the pool.” A beep sounded, indicating he’d closed the conversation.

  Great. I called Maria. “Code P again.”

  “Another party?” She sighed. “How much time do we have?”

  “Unknown. Probably an hour tops like usual. You order the junk food; I’ll get the back yard set up.”

  “Pool party?”

  “It’s summer, so what else would he do?”

  She sighed again. “Means more of those girls who drink too much and don’t wear enough clothes.”

  “Probably. I try not to look. Offer whatever it takes to do a rush job again.” I hung up, knowing
I could trust her.

  Various help came and went around the mansion, but Maria and I were the ones always here and we’d bonded since I got back from the tour. Almost like having a mother again. Speaking of mothers… I sent another update e-mail to Vivian. Suppose you could call it tattling, but she felt out of the loop all the way in London, and I thought if she knew what he did she might be able to whip him back in line.

  “Bethie, the doorbell’s ringing.”

  “So answer it.”

  “I’m busy and Maria isn’t here.”

  “Fine.”

  I walked out of the guest house, in through the kitchen door to the front of the house, and pasted on a fake friendly smile. It was the band minus Aaron.

  “Hey, Beth,” Bob said. “Jake around?”

  “Somewhere. Make yourselves at home, you know the drill.” I caught Bob’s arm. “Can I speak with you a moment?”

  He shrugged. “Sure.” The other three headed for the game room.

  “Look, you’re his best friend, so maybe you have some pull. Talk to Jacob about burning the candle at both ends. He’s partying too much.”

  “We all party, honey.”

  “Yeah, but I can always rely on you to be on time and work. He’s getting more and more difficult to deal with, for me, for Maria—everybody. I don’t know whether he’s let being a star go to his head or what, but I’m already being leaned on by your bosses about his habits. Please?”

  He sighed. “Sure, alright, we’ll have a word, but I can’t promise anything.”

  “It means something that you’ll try. Thank you.”

  He nodded and walked off. I hurried to make sure the outside tables were clean and turn on the external sound system to the music Jacob’s group liked. The lights would kick on once it got dark.

  Was I remembering everything…? Pool heater! The controls were behind the cabana and I set it to a comfortable temp. My phone buzzed.