by Amy Steele
I explained to him how I felt about Allison. I told him about the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on that beach in San Diego. How when we talked it felt like I had found my home in her. I explained about the mix-up and how I became her teacher and how yesterday I quit my job. I told him I tried to break it off but, by doing so, felt like I was breaking off my arm. I told him that my feelings haven’t and wouldn’t change. I need her to know that I’m not going anywhere and that she has something to fight for. I know now that it isn’t for me, but it needs to be something.
I broke her heart. I am prepared to heal it every single day for the rest of our lives. My only wish is that she would just give me the chance to.
“She doesn’t know if she is going to make it—like her mother,” Mr. Starr finally said. “She doesn’t want to put you through that pain.” I turned and held the sink. I had to swallow back the bile that was rising in my throat. I expected him to be relieved that she had turned me down, it was her choice, but he almost looks disappointed. Robert understands and wants a full future for her, no matter how long it may be.
“I just want to make her happy,” I tell him. I want to give her as much happiness as possible, I can hardly bear to think what the next part of this, because if she doesn’t make it . . . no, she has to make it. I want her to know how much I love her so she can pull through.
“I know my Ali-Oops.” Robert clears his throat. “From what I gather over the past seven months, she can’t be happy without you either. All she is doing is trying to give you an out, to make you happy.”
“That is the most ridiculous, stupid . . .”
“She is doing what she thinks is best, just like you are.” His logic is sound.
“Just tell me what to do,” I beg him. He shrugs his broad shoulders.
“I can’t do that, Cooper. Love is a strange beast.” He pats my back sympathetically. “I’m going to go sit with her for a while. Trudy is in there now.” He turns to leave me. “They take her in at seven tonight for surgery.”
I am alone again. Sometimes I wish for a magic eight ball. Something to give me answers because I just can’t trust myself. I know Ali doesn’t want to see me, but that doesn’t mean I am going to leave. This hospital will be my home until I know that she has made it out of the woods.
Eventually, I leave the restroom. I’ve been in there so long I must look like a lunatic. I find my way to the waiting room where Trudy tries to comfort me, but I’m beyond comfort. Robert joins us twenty minutes later, and the doctor finds the three of us together and explains what he is going to do in the surgery.
“Allison’s aortic vessel needs repair before it can burst. I will open the dilated portion of the aorta and insert a synthetic patch tube. Once the tube is sewn into the aorta, the aneurysmal sac is closed around the artificial tube. Though the surgery is a risk, the risk of rupture is greater.” The doctor looks at each of us, expressing the seriousness of the situation. “Allison is a healthy young woman and will be well taken care of.” He pauses and speaks only to Robert. “Surgery is a risk, and you must weigh the pros and cons of your options.”
Is that supposed to make us feel better? I am going to go slice her freaking heart open and put in a tube. Oh yeah, I am stoked about this. Or if you don’t do that, she dies. Just because Ali is a healthy person doesn’t mean she is going to be okay. I wish I could trade places with her. I would rip my heart from my chest and give it to her. Now that I think about it, I kind of already did that, and she rejected it.
I watch as Robert and Dr. “Cut-Her-Up” sign some paperwork with a nurse. They both seem calm enough, but I am freaking out over here. I close my eyes and pull Allison’s face from the memory of our first date. She flushed often as she answered questions, her smile lighting up my world. Her laugh was contagious and shook me to my core the first time I heard it. Everything about that night was natural, and I had the foolish notion that we would spend many nights like that. Dinner and talking, walking the beach under the stars. Ali was so vibrant and full of life. Now she was defeated and . . .
“Cooper . . .” I look at Mr. Starr. How many times had he said my name before I heard him? I just look up at him. “Allison was asking for you.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You need to go see her. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“Sir.” A knot of emotion plagues my nerves. “With all due respect, she doesn’t want . . . want me in there,” I stammer through the obvious hurt in my words. Robert puts his hands on his hips, and he shakes his head and looks at the ground.
“Go on son.” His voice is rough. “She asked me to send you in.”
I know what he is saying is true, but I still feel crushed. I make my way to the glass-walled room that Ali is in. I want nothing more than to be with her, help her to not feel scared, but I don’t know what I could possibly say or do for her now. I thought I had offered her comfort, but instead I . . . I don’t know what I did. I was honest and open, and she swatted me down. Ali made me a better man. I need to keep being that man for her no matter how she may feel about me.
I stand outside her door.
Ali’s eyes are closed, and the look on her face is peaceful. I realize that as many times as I have told her that I love her today, she hasn’t said it back once. Then why is she asking for me? Is she going to ask me to leave?
Thirteen
Allison
I open my eyes to see that Cooper is standing outside my door. He looks so miserable. For a moment we just stare at each other separated by glass. He looks like he might not come in, so I motion for him to. He hesitates before entering the room, and when he enters, he doesn’t come very far inside, and he doesn’t look at me. The way he is breathing looks like he is trying to hold himself together. I want him to come to me and hold me close, to kiss my face and tell me everything will be all right.
“Your doctor just explained your procedure,” he says, breaking the silence, but won’t look at me. I watch him swallow. “Your dad said you asked for me.” Not a question, he just wants me to know why he is here.
“Yes,” I say, trying to take a deep breath. I am so frustrated at how far from me he is. I want to see into his incredible eyes. “Look at me,” I demand, almost yelling it at him. Cooper’s head snaps up and is now staring at me; his eyes look like churning water. I can feel the tears burn my own eyes. I raise my hand off the rail and reach for him.
Cooper looks at my hand, and the tears fall onto his cheeks. Slowly, each step taken deliberately, he makes his way to my bedside. He stares at my hand as if it is a foreign object before taking it in his. As soon as our hands touch, I start to relax, but he seems to tense up. What do I say to the guy who just proposed to me? Sorry I said no, that I don’t want you to feel the pain of losing me? I can feel the speed of my heartbeat pick up as I realize this might be the last time I see him.
“I know things have changed between us,” he says slowly, “but I am going to stick around so I know that you made it out of your surgery all right, just like the doctor said you would.” Cooper squeezes my fingers, and a forced smile turns up his lips.
I sigh and close my eyes, forcing my negative thoughts from my mind. “You know why I had to say no,” I try to tell him, hoping he understands.
“You need to get your rest.” His response is barely audible as he lets my hand go. I open my eyes and watch Cooper take small steps away from me. I want to grab and shake him.
“I just can’t,” I mumble and start my waterworks. “I can’t put you through what my dad went through.” Cooper stops and takes a step back toward me.
“You are going to make it, Ali,” he says in a soothing tone, and I let out a hard laugh.
“Sure I will, just like my mom did.” Saying this out loud made me angry. Cooper came back and stood next to me, taking my hand again.
“I know your mom was a great woman, Ali, but you have a different heart. Your heart is stronger.” His other hand cupped my face, and warmth filled me. “I understand that I hur
t you too much for you to feel the same way toward me, but you are going to go on and live a long happy life.” I stared at his soulful blue eyes. I don’t understand what he is talking about. Feel the same way toward him? For being such a smart guy, he sure is dense.
“I am trying to let you go on so you can live your life,” I try to tell him. What doesn’t he understand? Cooper shakes his head.
“I don’t think you know how much you mean to me, Allison Starr. Nothing will change how I feel about you. The only way I can go on and live my life is with you.” The way he says it sounds like he feels guilty for being so honest.
“Cooper.” I want to sit up and put my head against his chest and feel his arms around me.
“I shouldn’t have said that.” He steps back again. “You need to focus on getting better, not on . . .” He throws his hands up in the air. “I just can’t seem to say or do the right thing anymore. I’m sorry.” He turns around and is at the door before I could react.
“I love you, Cooper,” I blurt out, which uses all my energy. He freezes, as does everything else in my words . “I want to say yes. I want to marry you and make you happy like you make me, but can’t you see,” I choked out. “Can’t you see I just couldn’t bear it if I knew you’d be waiting for me and I didn’t pull through?”
Without turning around, he answers me. “Can’t you see that I want to be there for you when you do pull through? I love you so much that . . .” He doesn’t finish his sentence.
“I love you too,” I whisper. Saying those three simple words seems to crash into him. When Cooper turns around, his expression is unreadable, but fresh tears cover his cheeks. He moves across the room so quickly it is almost a blur. He takes my head gently in his hands and moves closer as if he is going to kiss me. He pauses just inches from my lips and pulls back. I don’t know what expression is on my face, but all I know is how much I love him and hope that is what he sees.
When Cooper’s lips finally make contact with mine, nothing else seems to matter to me. I want to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer. He is being so gentle with me as if I am made from glass or a bubble about to pop. I whisper that I love him anytime we parted for air.
Cooper looks at the monitor next to my bedside that is tracking the rhythm of my heart then turns to see the clock on the wall. It is six-thirty. The nurse will be in any second to prep me for surgery and give me a shot to make me groggy, and all I can think about is pulling Cooper into this bed with me. I need to make it out alive for so many reasons, but the only one I can think of now is that I don’t want to die a virgin! His fingers touch my cheek lightly and push some loose strands of hair back from my face, and neither of us moves. We just stare at each other, committing the moment to memory.
“I love you,” I say quietly. The corners of Cooper’s mouth pull up into a crooked smile.
“Ali, I won’t make the mistakes of my past anymore.” He let out a short puff of air before he continues. “I only wanted what is best for you, and I made all the wrong choices, so you are in control.” He looks down at the bed and takes a seat. “I guess what I am trying to say is that the ball is in your court. I will do whatever you want me to do. Whatever will make you happy.”
I open my mouth to tell him that he is what makes me happy, but I don’t because he leans in and kisses my forehead. I hear a noise from behind Cooper, but nothing else matters to me except him knowing how I feel. I slowly lift my hand, which seems to weigh at least fifty pounds, to touch his face. Cooper takes my hand and lifts it the rest of the way for me. My entire body feels heavy and nonfunctional. I want to tell him so many things, but suddenly I am too exhausted to speak, heck, keeping my eyes open is a struggle.
“Cooper,” I whisper, at least I think I say his name. He kisses the inside of my palm.
“Yes.” His voice is low and hoarse, and he opens my hand so I am cupping his cheek. I sigh and put together my thoughts.
“I do want to marry you,” I whisper. “I just wish things were different because I cannot bear to cause you any pain.” Now my arms are tingling and my legs are cold. “I want you to go on if I don’t make it, okay? I know you’ll grieve, but you will also move on.” I move my fingers over his face. “You will find a woman who will love you and make you happy, and I want, no, need you to know that I am fine with that.” I am surprised Cooper hasn’t interrupted me yet, so I continue. “I am just so thankful that I had the chance to fall in love before I meet my maker. You gave me such a precious gift, and I will always be grateful for the summer we spent together.” I feel like my head is being lifted up and my body jostled. I force myself to open my eyes.
I am in a hallway, bright lights burning my eyes above me.
Cooper is nowhere around. The nurse had come in and started my prep work when Cooper had sat on my bed. I didn’t say any of this monologue out loud; he hadn’t heard any of it. I had been being pushed into surgery—drugged—thinking I was giving him permission to let me go. Now he won’t know how I feel.
It is too late. I might lose Cooper forever, and he will never know how I truly feel about him. No, this is not happening. I try to push myself up to get my nurse but am unable to do so because the nurse is holding me down, telling me that I need to calm down. I want to scream for her to understand, but it is useless.
No, I plead with my eyes. I need him to know . . . I need him.
Fourteen
Cooper
The last thing Allison said to me was my name. It looked like she wanted to say more, but then those stupid drugs took her straight to la-la land. At least she looked peaceful and relaxed. I did kiss her soft lips one last time before they wheeled her out. Now I have to sit here for who knows how long, praying I get to hear the end of her sentence. Just so I can see her one last time, even if it is to tell me to kick rocks and leave her alone. At least if she is telling me to get lost, that means she made it through and is alive.
I thought of how fragile she felt under my touch. Is she really strong enough to make it through such a tough surgery?
No, Cooper. You can’t think like that, my brain tells me. I close my eyes and scoot down in my chair, propping my head on my hands and elbows on my knees. This can’t be real. I am having a nightmare, and when I wake up, Ali will be just fine. Maybe I fell asleep on the beach and we are still in San Diego at the water’s edge, the hot sun covering our bodies and the cold waves slithering up the sand to our feet.
“I am going to the cafeteria. Would you like some coffee?” I look up, and Trudy is talking to me. I hope I am not dreaming about Trudy now. She shakes my shoulder, and I realize I am just staring at her—awake—not dreaming.
“Uh, no, thank you,” I tell her as I try to focus on the here and now. She shrugs and takes in a deep breath.
“You got to think positive, Ryan. Ali is going to pull through. I just know she will.” I want to laugh and cry. I haven’t slept in almost two days, and I think I am starting to lose my grip on reality.
“You know what, you are right.” I stand up, and Trudy’s eyes go wide at my sudden movement. “Coffee would be nice too.” I try to smile, but I’m sure it looks like a grimace. I pull out my wallet and hand her some money then sit back down. I look at my watch to see how long they have had Ali back there; it seems like it has been hours. I am shocked to see it has only been about twenty minutes. Mr. Starr is sitting a few chairs down from me, head bowed in silent prayer.
I wish I could think of something to say to him, to both of us, to make this easier. Nothing can be said to make this any less hard on us. I put my head back in my hands and let my eyes close. It’s not like I am going to be able to sleep, not until I know she is okay; my eyes are just so heavy. I take some slow deep breaths and know that if I weren’t so worried, I could fall asleep in a matter of minutes. I can hear someone walking toward me and look up, expecting Trudy with my coffee.
It is a nurse dressed in all-blue surgical scrubs, and she looks upset. Mr. Starr and I jump to our feet in synchron
ization, thinking the same thing—this can’t be good news. The nurse looks back and forth between the two of us then lands her gaze on me.
“Cooper,” she says, sounding frustrated. Her brown hair is tucked neatly in a scrub cap, and a name badge is clipped to the hem of her top which has her picture and name printed on the plastic—Laura.
“Yes,” I mumble. She waves her hand in a motion to follow her and takes a step away.
“Allison won’t let us start on her until she can talk to you,” Laura says loud enough for Robert to hear. “She is agitated and upset, so maybe you can help calm her down.” I nod and follow her behind doors labeled Restricted. “I need you to come in here first.” We stop in front of a door which leads into a room lined with stainless steel sinks.
I follow her lead and scrub all the way up to my elbows for what seems like an hour. Out of nowhere another nurse appears and dries my hands and arms then slides them into some latex gloves. When they are on, she slips a mask over my face and then is gone. I am just standing there feeling like I am in a hidden-camera show, not knowing what to do.
“This way,” Laura says as she uses her back to open yet another set of doors. Of course I follow her not knowing what I’ll see behind these doors.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
I’m standing in a surgical bay, Ali’s surgical bay to be exact. Ali is in a bed with straps across her body, and tubes are sticking out from all over. Huge bright lights are on overhead, and monitors beep in compulsive intervals. Then I noticed everyone else: Ali’s doctor next to a tray of shiny tools and about ten other nurses, not including the one who had come to get me, and maybe two more doctors. Laura led me forward gently with her gloved hand on my back.