by Linda Conrad
“Easy does it, Jake. Talk to me.”
Stiffening in her arms, his heart pounded out a violent beat under her cheek. She could feel his whole body trembling.
But he didn’t pull away. He dropped the sledge hammer and seemed to collapse in upon himself. It was as if she’d popped a balloon and all the air was slowly leaking out until nothing was left. She hung on as they eased to their knees on the floor.
“Leave me alone.” His voice was tight, as though at any moment he would inflate again and explode all over the room.
“This isn’t like you, Jake. Please tell me…”
He jerked out of her embrace. “You don’t know what I’m like. Nobody does. I’m the liar, remember?”
Mary flinched. He couldn’t have hurt her any worse if he’d slapped her in the face.
“Jake, tell me what…”
“You want to know all of it?” He laughed, and the sound sent a chill down her neck. “Fine. Why not? You already hate me. It shouldn’t make much difference one way or the other if you find out I killed my wife.”
Mary put her fist to her mouth to keep from making any sound that would show her surprise. But she was surprised. Having trouble with words, she didn’t know what to say to him.
“Speechless? You should be. You—everybody—thought I was some noble man of the law. Undercover in order to fight crime. Bull! It was merely the best place for a monster to hide.”
Her mumbled words spilled from her lips in double time. “You’re no monster, Jake. I don’t care what…”
He reached over and took her by the shoulders. “Listen to me. Listen to me tell the truth—for once in my worthless life.
“My wife was a saint.” He was shaking with unspent furor. “She took me in and made me a man when nobody else would give the child of a demented survivalist the time of day. And how did I repay her?”
Jake’s eyes grew crazed. Manic.
Mary wasn’t frightened of him but for him. She didn’t know what to say. How to calm him down. All she could do was hang on and listen.
“Tina told me we were going to have a baby. Great, right? That very night, selfish bastard that I was, I stopped thinking and became completely full of myself. Big man, I gave her my brand-new Porsche. She was thrilled and looked happier than I’d ever seen her. Said she wanted to drive it everywhere.”
Mary had to break in before he exploded in grief. “She died in a car accident, Jake. It happens. That wasn’t your fault.” Mary worked to keep her own tears from spilling out. They weren’t what Jake needed right now.
He laughed, nearing hysteria. Dug his fingers into her shoulders.
“Accident, my ass. I was a chock-full-of-myself FBI agent who had just put one really bad dude in prison. A bastard that I’d been after for a long time. He swore to get even with me. Swore that I would pay with my life.”
Jake suddenly released her and choked out a curse. “Well, I paid all right. But not with my life. My wife and unborn child took the punishment for me—dying in my car when the hit came down.”
“Oh, Jake. No…” She cowered away from him, her heart torn by grief and sympathy.
“Yes,” he hissed. “And what does yours truly do the very next time he falls in love? Once again, without thinking it through, I selfishly put the life of the woman I love on the line. I led the snake right to your door, Mary, and I wasn’t even man enough to make you stay away from me where you would be safe.”
Mary tried to speak but couldn’t. Her lungs refused to breathe.
What could she do about him? With him? She was positive he wouldn’t let her help him. He was so determined to be the bad guy in all of this that he would never listen to her or anyone. Shaking, she got to her feet. Crouching in a corner was the coward’s way out.
She reached out her hand to help him up, still hoping to make him hear. He swatted her away and came up by himself, hands clenched, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He was glaring at her, and his breath came in short bursts.
He was going to turn away from her. She could see it clearly in the way he stood. He wasn’t going to get over this and let her in. His love for her had obviously died somewhere inside all his pain. Holding a tight rein on the sobs threatening to spill out, she almost laughed.
Of course his love had died. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could keep a man. She’d never even been the sort who got what she wanted in the end. Happily-ever-afters were not meant for somebody like her.
It was all she could do not to pull him into her arms and beg. He needed help. And she wanted badly to be the one he needed. But she knew he wouldn’t let her. Not now. Their time together was already over.
“Why are you here?” he finally asked.
“Wes asked me to talk to you. He’s worried about you. I’m worried, too.”
“Both of you need to leave me the hell alone. I’m not worth your time.”
“You need to talk to a therapist, Jake.” If he wouldn’t let her be the one, then he had to find a professional. “Let someone help you.”
He was trying to focus his eyes on her face. “Why aren’t you running the other way?”
Because she loved him.
“You don’t strike me as a masochist, Mary.” He waved his arm as if shooing her away. “Stay close to me and sooner or later you’ll pay with your life.”
“You planning on hurting me?”
He narrowed his eyes and scowled. “No.”
“You planning on hurting yourself?”
It was then that he looked around and saw the destruction that he’d wrought. “No.”
Mary was exhausted. She could barely see straight. But Jake needed her to make good sense. Maybe not forever, but for now.
“You’re tired, Jake. Go upstairs and lie down. Things will look better after you’ve rested.”
“Walk away.”
She heard the fear in his voice. He didn’t want to be alone. She couldn’t say that she blamed him.
Reaching out with compassion, she took him by the hand and together they climbed the stairs the way they had done many times in the past. Only this time, when they lay down on the bed, they were fully clothed.
Within minutes Jake fell into a deep, profound sleep. And Mary cradled him in her arms while he did.
Later, she slipped out of the bed and dragged herself down the stairs. She didn’t want to be here when he woke up. Not if he wouldn’t let her help him. Love him.
She had to get on with her life. Wes would help him. Maybe better than she could.
So tired she wasn’t sure she could make it out to her car, all Mary wanted was to curl up in bed until she was over the flu. Then she would find a place to live that wouldn’t remind her of Jake.
He needed professional help. Mary only hoped that he would get it soon. But she would probably never know whether he had or not.
Silent tears formed again in her eyes, and she frantically shoved them aside. Mary needed to keep all that hurt locked up inside so no one else ever guessed. But she’d done that kind of thing before.
Mary reminded herself that for once in her life, she had been lucky enough to fall in love with someone who had loved her back. Maybe their relationship had only been temporary. But many women never even got that lucky. She’d been blessed by having this experience.
And she would always have her memories.
Jake thanked Mary’s sister Lucy and then headed up the stairs from her shop to the apartment above. It had taken him days to steel himself, but he was on his way to talk to Mary at last. She’d moved off the farm and was living here at her sister’s place.
They needed to talk. How could he have let her walk away without at least thanking her for listening to his confession? She’d been right. Despite his misgivings, it had been important for him to talk to a therapist. He’d finally seen one. And he would continue. He needed to thank her for that, too.
Mary Walsh had been right about everything from the start. She was a lifesaver and had given him
much more than he could’ve imagined: compassion, love, tenderness. And, damn him, he’d been so totally absorbed with his own pain that he had let her walk away without a word.
It fascinated him how different Mary’s personality was from Tina’s. Mary was much stronger and smarter about a lot of things. But she didn’t have the self-assurance and knowledge of her own worth that his wife had possessed. Life had conspired against Mary. She’d never felt safe enough or certain enough of her abilities to explore.
But Jake felt absolutely certain. She was worth the world to him. He missed her so badly that he could barely breathe until he had her back in his arms again.
Saying a silent prayer that she would be willing to take a chance on a man only half done finding out what mattered the most, he straightened his shoulders and approached her door.
Breathing in, Jake held his breath and knocked. When Mary answered, she looked stunningly beautiful. And all the air blew right back out of him.
Her skin glowed as she looked up at him. “Jake?”
Like the fool he was, he choked on his own anxiety before he could speak. “Can we talk?”
“Come in.” She looked confused. Scared.
Jake didn’t like seeing either expression in her eyes. He wanted to see only love when she looked at him. She’d had love in her eyes once. Now it was up to him to put it back.
But he needed to deserve her love.
“How have you been?” He studied her face for a clue as to how she was feeling about him.
“I’ve missed you.” They both said the words at the same time and then smiled tentatively.
Still standing just inside the closed door, they looked at each other. Jake’s fingers ached to touch her, but he fisted his hands at his sides instead.
“What brought you here, Jake?” Was that hope that he heard in her voice?
His own hope bubbled up, threatening to spill all over the room. “I came to…uh…say a couple of things.”
Her eyes narrowed, and she looked more uncertain than ever. “Why are you really here? Have you heard something about me being sick?”
His turn to be confused. “I haven’t heard anything. You don’t look sick. Are you?”
She shook her head, turned and waved her hand to convey that she wanted him to continue with his explanation.
“I came to apologize for being such an ass and for spilling my guts to you the way I did.” He tried softening his tone. “I came to thank you for listening and to tell you I’ve been seeing a psychologist.”
She blinked up at him. “Sometimes burdens seem better when they’re shared by two people. I’m only glad I could help.”
He couldn’t stand it. She looked so unsure of herself.
Reaching out, he stroked her cheek, still wishing he could take her in his arms. “You’re right again. You have a bad habit of doing that, you know. I’m here asking if you’d be willing to share a couple of more burdens with me.”
“What kind of burdens?”
“Well, for one thing, I own a huge house that badly needs redecorating. I’ve come to the conclusion that it needs a woman’s special touch. Your touch.
“And for another thing,” he added quickly. “I’m starting up a business and have discovered I’m terrible at administration—all those details. I thought you might consider becoming my partner.”
“Oh.” The hope grew brighter in her eyes. “Why?”
“Because I love you. And I thought that you…”
“I love you, too.” She jumped into his arms and snuggled into his embrace.
Thank God.
He held her close and whispered, “I can’t live without you. If you can accept that deep down I’m a selfish bastard, but one who is trying to change, give us a chance. Love me. Marry me. Teach me how to give.”
She looked up at him. Her eyes were bright and full of love. It would be too easy to lose himself there.
“I have a burden of my own to share first,” she said with a whimsical, lopsided smile. “After I tell you, ask me again.”
He held his breath once more and waited.
“I’m pregnant. You and I are going to be parents.”
“What?” Jake was having trouble processing the words. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. Pure panic spiked his pulse.
“Jake?” Mary pulled out of his arms and put her hands on her hips. “Listen to me. I’m not going to die. Our baby won’t die. It isn’t happening again. I’m healthy and the baby is healthy. And under no circumstances will I accept any kind of gifts from you. I promise. We’ll live long and happy lives. Now, will you marry me?”
Trying to smile, he opened his mouth to form the word but it wouldn’t come. Tears built up behind his eyes as he nodded and reached for her.
The tears were a surprise. He’d thought he was all done with them. But the crazy happiness felt familiar.
The most wonderful woman in the whole world would be teaching him how to give. And he would give her anything in return. Tears included. Anything that made her happy.
Then he did something not surprising at all. He kissed her. A simple, I-do kind of kiss. Reminding her of who loved her. Of who was willing to share her burdens from now on.
They would live long and happy lives. Giving and loving and sharing. Together. Forever.
Epilogue
“How thrilling, honey. When do you two plan on being married? I hope we’ll have enough time to throw a huge bash.” Jolene took a sip of wine and relaxed back next to Craig on Mary and Jake’s brand-new sofa.
Mary was so pleased with herself that all she wanted to do was laugh. This was their first real dinner party. Well, it couldn’t be called a real party. But it was the first time they’d invited family over. Everything felt just perfect. How good could one life be?
“Yes, Mom, we’ll have enough time. I’ve always wanted a winter wedding. After the holidays. January maybe.”
Jake cleared his throat and squeezed her arm lightly. “Can you give me a hand in the kitchen?”
She nodded and stood. “Excuse us. Craig, do you need another drink?”
When Craig looked her way and shook his head, she noticed the corners of his eyes were crinkled and tight. As though he were in pain.
Jake didn’t give her time to think; he hustled them both into the kitchen. Once there, he drew her into his arms and kissed her. Another of his fantastic toe-curling kisses that pledged more to come later.
After they split apart to draw in air, she laughed at his urgent desperation, but she felt it, too. “Jolene and Craig won’t be here much longer. We’re already on the after-dinner drinks. Save some of those kisses for when we’re alone, please.”
“There’s lots more where that came from, woman.” Jake looked down at her in his arms as though he was ready to have her for dessert. She knew exactly how he felt.
When she turned to get the coffee, he pulled her back against his chest. “How are you feeling? You look spectacular tonight.”
“Thank you, kind sir. I’m feeling well. Being sick to my stomach only seems to come in the mornings now. And I’ve been extra good tonight, too. No alcohol, of course. And not a lot of empty calories. You should be proud of me.”
Jake rubbed his hand along her spine and the temperature soared between them. “Oh, I am. Except for the part where you haven’t told your mother and Craig about the baby yet. Shouldn’t they know?”
Mary sighed. “I wanted to leave it between us for a little longer. I’ll tell them soon.”
She wasn’t used to sharing. Or being the center of attention. But she was working up to it. She hoped she wouldn’t show for a few more months, and she was savoring every precious moment of building a relationship with Jake before the baby came into the picture.
A child would change their relationship once again. And though she couldn’t wait to be a mother, she wanted to hold on for a while to the feeling of being loved as a woman and a wife first.
“Did you notice Craig looks like he’s
in pain?” Mary turned to face the coffeemaker and talked to Jake over her shoulder.
She could hear the shrug in his voice. “Not sure.”
Mary grimaced. “Well, for Mom’s sake I hope it isn’t anything real bad, like his heart. The two of them are only just now admitting how much they love each other. It’s their turn to be happy.”
Jake put his arms around Mary’s waist and kissed the back of the neck. “It’s our turn, too, sweetheart. I never thought I could be this lucky—to get a second chance at love.”
He snuggled her close and she reveled in the wondrous experience of having someone care. “And I do love you, Mary. I won’t ever stop telling you. You are my heart and my life. My nights and my mornings. Give me your burdens and take mine for as long as we both live.”
Mary leaned her head back on his shoulder and smiled to herself, loving the feel of his body against hers. And loving the heartfelt words of the very special man who loved her that much.
It occurred to her then that she had never read any words more wonderful, not in any book. Jake’s love was better than a bestseller.
Special thanks and acknowledgment to Linda Conrad for her contribution to THE COLTONS OF MONTANA miniseries.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-6476-6
COVERT AGENT’S VIRGIN AFFAIR
Copyright © 2010 by Harlequin Books S.A.
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the editorial office, Silhouette Books, 233 Broadway, New York, NY 10279 U.S.A.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.