If You Really Loved Me

by Anne Schraff

  “But sometimes,” Destini went on, still cautiously, “it seems like Marko is being mean. Like to Derrick Shaw. That poor guy. Like when he fell down at the library and Marko made fun of him. I don’t know . . . ”

  “Do you like Derrick Shaw, Destini?” Tyron asked.

  “Oh no,” Destini said too quickly, almost defensively, “nobody does. But I sometimes feel sorry for him ’cause everybody says he’s stupid, and when Marko does stuff like that it’s like piling it on, you know? At the camping trip the other day, he said like he’s really hurt by some of the teasing . . . ”

  “Ah, you’re too sensitive, Destini,” Tyron said. “We gotta laugh at stupid people. When they’re as stupid as Derrick, it doesn’t bother them as much as it would with a normal person. Marko doesn’t mean any harm. That’s just his way.”

  Destini shrugged. “Maybe so, but I don’t think we should make fun of people. Maybe they act as if they don’t care, but I think they do.”

  “You know what, babe?” Tyron said. “I bet you got something going with Derrick. If you didn’t like him, why would you care what was going on with him? I bet you got a crush on that big, stupid moron.”

  “Oh Tyron, don’t be silly,” Destini protested. “I don’t like him the least bit. You’re the one I’m crazy about.”

  Tyron smiled. “Did you like the poem I gave you, babe?”

  “I pasted it in my diary and every night I read it over and over, Tyron,” Destini cooed. “It’s the nicest thing anybody ever gave me. I felt so special that you think of me like that.”

  When the bell rang for the end of lunch, Destini and Tyron got up. Tyron reached for Destini’s hand. Very gently he pulled her toward him, brushing a kiss across her forehead. “You are,” he whispered.

  “What?” Destini asked.

  “Beautiful,” Tyron said. “You are beautiful.”

  Destini giggled happily, gathered up her books and hurried to her next class.

  When Destini got home from school that day, someone was already in the house. Mom’s old Toyota wasn’t in the driveway, but she knew somebody was in the house. Destini did not go right in. She peeked in the front window and saw her father sitting on the couch in the living room.

  Destini went in. The door was unlocked. He never locked doors.

  “Hi Dad,” Destini greeted him. “You watching TV?”

  “Well, I’m sitting here and the TV is on, so I guess that’s what I’m doing,” he responded. “I was kicked out of that apartment where I was roommates with Thor and Jack. I figured I’d crash here for a while. You know that money I won on the ponies the other day? I gave your mother some and said for her to throw a few bucks your way. Any of that left? I could use it.”

  “It’s all gone,” Destini replied. “Mom paid some bills and I bought a new sweater.”

  “You think your mom would let me crash on the couch here for a few days?” he asked.

  “No,” Destini answered. Mom wouldn’t even like the idea of him sitting on her nice couch when he obviously had not bathed in a while.

  “She’s a coldhearted woman, your mother,” he commented.

  “No, she’s not. You got a job or what?” Destini asked.

  “Times are hard. Don’t you read the papers? Who can find a job these days?” he asked, shaking his head.

  “I know a lot of people who’re working,” Destini said.

  “You’re getting just like your mother, girl, coldhearted,” Dad told her.

  “Know what, Dad? I’m in a group at church, and we take foster kids for little outings and it’s really nice. We went camping with them and stuff and it was fun. Aren’t you proud of me for helping other people?” Destini asked.

  “No,” he sighed. “It’s all a racket. The minister is trying to rope people in to join his church.”

  “No,” Destini declared, “these kids are lonely and we’re really helping them, Dad. They never have any fun. My special little friend is named Amber, and we got to be close. We’re talking like sisters. We’re going to the movies on Friday and I’m really looking forward to it.”

  “I’ve never trusted do-gooders,” Dad said.

  Destini looked at her father. He was in his middle forties but he looked older. He didn’t smell good. It was sad to realize he didn’t care for himself or for anybody else. He never asked Destini how she was doing at school. He never asked her if she had a boyfriend. He didn’t seem to care. “Dad, how come you’re not interested in me at all?” Destini asked.

  The man turned from the TV and looked at Destini. “I never asked to be a father. That was your mother’s idea,” he replied.

  “But you are my father,” Destini asserted.

  “When I won that money on the ponies, I told her to throw you some, didn’t I?” he said.

  “I got a boyfriend now, Dad. Would you like to hear about him?” Destini asked.

  “Nope,” he said.

  “His name is Tyron Becker. He’s really nice. He’s a junior at Tubman too and he says I’m beautiful,” Destini rattled on. “I’m really, really excited about having my first boyfriend.”

  “It’s all a crock,” Dad said.

  “His father is a hardworking man, but he doesn’t make much money,” Destini went on. “They aren’t well-to-do, but that’s all right. I’m used to that.”

  “Is his father Tyree Becker?” Dad asked, perking up.

  “I don’t know, maybe,” Destini said. “Do you know him?”

  “Well, I know a Tyree Becker,” Dad replied. “When I had that job cleaning up at the construction site, he worked there too. He didn’t have one of the good jobs. Just hanging around doing cleanup like me. His wife brought him his lunch every day. He said she nagged him day and night, and then he’d beat her and she’d shut up for a while. He asked me if I ever had to beat my wife and I told him I don’t believe in that, and anyway, if I ever tried to beat your mother she’d kill me first and I’d not blame her.”

  Destini looked at her father and wondered. Was Tyree Becker Tyron’s father? It made Destini sad to think so. If he was, then maybe he was just joking about beating his wife. Destini felt so sorry for Tyron if he had to live in a family where there was violence like that. “Dad, maybe this man was joking and he didn’t really beat his wife,” Destini suggested. “Men make jokes about stuff like that sometimes.”

  “No,” Dad responded. “I’d see signs of it when she’d come around with his lunch. She’d have black eyes and bruises on her arms and face. She was a wreck. It was none of my business, but there she’d be, bringing the slob his lunch—a skinny, ratty looking woman without much weight on her, and him fat as a pig. One time when he wasn’t looking, I walked over and gave her one of those flyers, you know for the women’s shelters for the abused. I told her if she ever wanted to get out of there, this might be a place to go, but she looked at me as if I was crazy and went scampering off to her busted up old car.”

  Destini remembered Tyron complaining about how heavy his father was. She felt a little sick. Poor Tyron. It had to be terrible to live in that house and watch his poor mother get beaten. How could he be in that situation and still function and be nice at school? Destini tried to imagine what it would be like to see Dad hurt Mom. She didn’t think she could stand watching that happen. She would do something desperate.

  “Well, you’re sure she won’t let me crash here just this night, huh?” Dad asked. “Otherwise I got to go downtown and beg that priest who takes in homeless for a bed.”

  “Wait,” Destini ordered him. She went to the blue sugar bowl where Mom kept about a hundred dollars in twenties for emergencies. She told Destini if she needed to, she could borrow twenty from the blue sugar bowl on the second pantry shelf behind the brown sugar. Destini withdrew a twenty and took it to her father. “Dad, you can have this,” she said. “I hope it helps.”

  “It sure does,” Dad responded with a smile. “Thank you, Destini. Listen, someday I will win very big on the ponies. My time is coming up.
I been on a losing streak for long enough. Then I will come here and wave a lot of money under your mother’s nose, and she will finally respect me. As for you, girl, even though I didn’t want a daughter, or a son, or anybody else with my genes in them, I will remember you when I am rich.”

  “Thank you, Dad,” Destini said. She wanted to hug him. After all, he was her father. She wanted to hug him but he smelled of perspiration. Still, he was her father and in spite of how little he did to fulfill that role, she felt something for him. So she went over to him, put her arms around him, and hugged him. “See ya, Daddy,” she sighed.

  He seemed thin when she put her arms around him. She was glad she did it.

  He went out the door with nothing but a smile. He walked down the street toward the bus stop. Destini watched him, feeling an ache in her heart, a kind of hole that this man who was almost a stranger should be filling. After school sometimes, Alonee’s father would pick her up and he’d have these pet names for her—”Alonee-dolly” or “Alonee-lah-dee.” Sami’s father would give Sami big smooches, and Sami claimed it embarrassed the life out of her. Destini was jealous.

  “He was here, wasn’t he” Mom remarked when she got home.

  “How’d you know, Mom?” Destini asked.

  “I smell him. My Lord, where’s the air freshener? He was after money, wasn’t he?” Mom asked.

  “Sort of,” Destini said.

  “Was he drunk again?” Mom asked.

  “No, he was sober. He was pretty nice, Mom. We had a nice talk,” Destini commented. “I guess there are worse men.”

  “Yep,” Mom said as she sprayed the house with orange-scented freshener. “This is good stuff.”

  They sat down to dinner, and Destini told her mother she was taking good notes in English and American history and doing all her math homework. “I’m going to bring my grades up, Mom. I know I can do it,” she declared.

  “You can,” Mom encouraged her. “You can make something of yourself, girl. That’s what girls need to do. Be somebody on their own and get to be adults and be able to take care of their own selves. Get a good job, and then if you’re of a mind to, marry a decent man if there are any of them left. But first find your own place in the world.”

  Destini curled up in a chair in her room and read the story assigned in English. Then she opened her diary and read the poem Tyron had given her again. How could he be so romantic and sensitive if Tyree Becker was really his father? It didn’t seem possible. It was an awesome tribute to him that he could thrive in that environment. Knowing what challenges he faced made Destini love Tyron even more. Her heart overflowed with pity for him. She imagined him watching helplessly while his father abused his poor mother. It had to be tearing him apart inside.

  But what could he do? There were younger children in the family. How could he call in the law and break up the family? They were poor. What would his mother do? Where could she go? Those shelters for abused women were all right for temporary safety, but in the long run what does a poor, uneducated woman with children do alone in the world?

  “Destini,” Mom called from the kitchen. “You didn’t give him any, did you?”

  “What?” Destini answered. “What? Who?” She knew very well what and whom her mother was talking about.

  Mom appeared in the doorway to Destini’s room. “Girl, there is a twenty missing from the blue sugar bowl. I pray to God you didn’t give that no good freeloader that twenty dollar bill.” She stood there like an avenging angel.

  “Oh Mom, I’m sorry,” Destini replied, thinking fast. “I should have told you. We’re all putting in twenty dollars to help the expenses for the foster kids’ outings. You know, to pay for the camping supplies and the movie tickets and stuff.”

  Mom smiled. “Oh, well that’s just fine. I want you to do your share, Destini. I don’t begrudge those children a little fun. That’s just fine, baby. The good Lord expects us to share with the truly needy, not with drunken freeloaders like your father.” She turned and went back to the kitchen.

  Destini flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She felt guilty. She was a liar. She learned long ago in Sunday school that it was a sin to lie, but this was even worse. She had taken twenty dollars from the blue sugar bowl and then lied about it, pretended it was for the poor children.

  Destini got up and went to the closet where she kept her secret bank in the stomach of an old teddy bear. She unzipped the bear’s stomach and went into a little leather pouch containing her savings. Destini had been saving money for some time to buy some nice clothes for summer. She had forty dollars saved. She pulled out a ten and decided to donate it to the foster kids program. That would ease her conscience a little bit anyway.

  Destini’s cell phone rang. “Hi,” she said.

  “Hi beautiful, guess who?” Tyron asked.

  “Oh Tyron! How are you? I’ve been thinking about you,” Destini responded.

  “Are you up for Friday night?” he asked. “You know that great movie we saw the other night—Saw Town? Well, there’s a sequel and it’s even better. It’s showing Friday. After the movie we can go for pizza and it’ll be a great night. What do you say, beautiful?”

  Destini’s heart raced in panic. She couldn’t tell Tyron she had already made plans to spend Friday night with the foster kids. He’d never understand. He’d be hurt and maybe angry too. She had to somehow get out of the date with him without hurting him. Destini didn’t even consider canceling the movie with the kids. She couldn’t do that to Amber when Alonee said the little girl was so looking forward to seeing Destini again.

  “Oh Tyron,” Destini moaned, “I’d love to go out with you Friday night, but my grandma’s sick up in LA, and Mom and I have to get her to the hospital Friday . . . ”

  To herself, Destini said, “I’m sorry, Grandma. I’m sorry. I know you’ve been dead for ten years and now I’m using you in a lie to get myself out of a date, but I couldn’t think of anything else.”

  “Oh, well that’s too bad.” Tyron responded. “Good luck to your grandma. I’ll see you later then, beautiful.”

  He didn’t seem mad. He seemed to accept what Destini said. How could anybody be angry with someone helping a sick grandmother?

  “I used a lie again—a big one,” Destini thought miserably. “But what could I do?” Tyron would have been furious to be rejected over a date with the foster kids. He would have surely thought Destini did not care for him as much as he cared for her. She could not risk a relationship so precious to her. It’s not that Destini wanted to lie—she just felt she had to.

  Chapter Seven

  When Friday night came, Pastor Bromley picked Destini up at her house. Amber was already in the van. Alonee, Jaris, Kevin, Sami, and Derrick were there with their charges too. “You guys,” Destini pleaded, “if anybody asks you later on, I didn’t come tonight, okay? I mean I’m supposed to be somewhere else, so don’t tell anybody at school I was with you guys tonight.”

  “Uh-oh!” Jaris laughed. “This girl is balancing a crowded social life. Don’t worry, Destini. None of us see you. There’s a big blank space right where you’re sitting, right Amber? You don’t see Destini, do you?”

  “Nope,” Amber giggled, “I don’t see her nowhere!”

  The others joined in. Kevin asked, “Destini? Where is she?” Sami and Alonee chimed in too.

  “I’m so glad you came,” Amber told Destini. “There’s something I need to ask you.”

  “Okay,” Destini said. “Shoot.”

  “Well, you know this big ugly scar I got on my forehead?” Amber began.

  “Yeah,” Destini said. “Like these big ugly pimples I get on my forehead and my chin and my nose!”

  Amber giggled. “No really. Something I got to ask you. My friend at school, she says I should wear my hair in bangs, real low bangs that come down and cover the scar. She says I ought to do that till the doctor maybe can fix the scar so it don’t show so much,” Amber said. “What do you think, Destini?”


  “Nope,” Destini answered. “When I first met you, I noticed the scar, but now I hardly see it. I’d just wear my hair the way I like it, and who cares about the scar? You got such beautiful big eyes that everybody is gonna look at them first anyway.”

  Amber reached over and gave Destini a hug. “That’s what I think too, but I was scared you’d side with my friend. I don’t need to hide my old scar. You’re awesome, Destini. I’m so glad we’re friends.”

  “I got cream I put over my pimples so they don’t stand out so much, Amber,” Destini advised, reaching in her purse for the tube. “Our skin color is about the same. Just dab some of this on and the scar will sort of fade like my pimples.”

  Destini loved the seagull movie. Amber and the other kids squealed with joy at the special effects. The great white birds seemed to be flying over their heads in the theater, as the audience laughed and gasped. Afterward, they stopped for ice cream sundaes.

  “I’m glad you’re my big sister,” Amber said as Destini started to get out of the van at her house. “Can I give you a hug?”

  “You bet,” Destini replied. “I’m glad you’re my little sister. I always wanted a little sister like you.”

  Destini hurried up the walk to her door, and when she got inside, she noticed her mother’s lights were out. Destini smiled to herself. Mom had assured Destini that she wouldn’t wait up for her. Destini was perfectly safe with the church group. But in the end Mom couldn’t stop being a mom.

  Destini went to bed happy. She hugged her pillow and relived the wonderful evening. She was so glad she went. She couldn’t remember being this happy in a long time. She’d bonded with Alonee and Sami like she had not done before. She enjoyed hanging with the boys too, without worrying about what Tyron would say, and she especially enjoyed the kids.