Passing by Dex, I enter the kitchen and stand just behind Tate.
“Tate?” I say, and I realize he must be attached to a spring because before I say another word, he has launched himself at me, knocking my blueberry pie to the ground.
“Oh no, Lanie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it in your hand,” Tate cries.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, buddy. We will clean it up later, come here, I want to talk to you.” I walk him over to a window seat on the opposite side of the kitchen.
I see Dex take a few steps forward to hear us. “When I was little, this was my favorite spot in the entire world,” I tell him. “I’ve missed you, Tate, so much.”
“Then why did you leave, Lanie? I thought we were going to have a party, but guess what? It's okay because we brought all your food here on a big plane that was just for us. It was so awesome.” He says, leaning in for a hug.
“I know, Tate. I’m sorry. I-I heard you talking to Mimi and Nanna. I want you to understand, it’s not that I don’t want to be your mom. Being your mom is something I would love more than anything in this world, but you see, Tate, I-I’m a little bit broken. I can’t be your mom if I can’t be sure I wouldn’t break you too. Does that make any sense to you?”
“Oh, that’s fine, Lanie. My dad is really good at fixing things. I’ll help too, together we can fix you for sure. Just come back home, Lanie, and we will fix you, then you can be my mom.” Tate says so earnestly, I find myself swallowing again and again, not able to get past the lump.
Dex must sense my distress because he walks over then. “Hey, Tate, it looks like Mimi needs some help cleaning up that pie, do you think you can help her?”
He leaps out of my arms. “Sure, Dad,” he turns to me again, “I love you, Lanie.”
I kiss his head. “Love you too, buddy.”
“Hey,” Dex says, sitting in Tate’s seat.
I’m suddenly exhausted. “What are you doing here, Dex?” I don’t sound sad or angry, I realize, just extremely tired. I feel like I’ve been running my entire life, and I have to either cross the finish line or give up on everything.
“I was worried about you, Lanie. We all were,” he says, waving his hand around the room, indicating all the Westbrook’s. I laugh. I don’t want to, it’s just what happens when someone finally admits defeat.
Everyone in this house loves me. Me! Lanie Heart, the lost girl with a broken soul. For a moment, I wonder when I became this girl. When did I let the pain of others dictate my future?
“Lanie?” Dex asks, looking concerned.
Crap, he must have kept talking, but I can’t keep my mind from wandering. I study all the faces now staring at me with concern. This could be my family. The family I choose. But I wasn’t kidding when I told Tate I’m a little bit broken.
Why? Why are you so broken, Lanie? What makes you this way? In my head, I can only think of one person. One person who has always held me back. One person who always set me up to fail.
My mother.
Looking around the room once more, I come to rest on Dexter’s worried gaze. He makes me happy. He loves me, he has shown me in over two hundred ways. Why do I keep this wonderful man at arm's length then? Because you can’t love him fully until you know you won’t break him, comes a voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like Mimi’s.
I suddenly understand, without a doubt, what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to my mother for good. I rush to stand, but my stomach doesn’t get the memo. I don’t know if it's nerves from what I am about to do or the fact that I have eaten my body weight in chocolate chip cookie dough today, but I know at this moment, that cookie dough is searching for an exit. With a hand over my mouth, I run in circles trying to find the best place, but I don’t see one quickly enough.
Doubled over, I know we are about to have a second mess to clean up.
Dex
MLM Recovery Plan
Dexter: She is in the bathroom with your mom, wtf am I supposed to do? She threw up all over the God damn floor, Julia! Is that my fault? Am I upsetting her that much?
Julia: Stop being a drama queen, not everything is about you. Get your shit together because you have to talk her into letting you go with her tonight.
Dexter: Go? Go where? Why aren’t you coming over? Shouldn’t you be here helping me?
Preston: Yeah, Julia! You really should be here, I’m not good at all this girly shit.
Julia: Shockingly, you are still single.
Preston: (Rolling eye emoji) I’m adding Shepherd to this group, he is good with girly shit.
Shepherd added at 6:25 pm
Dexter: WTF. Julia, where am I supposed to convince Lanie to go and how am I supposed to do that, she just vomited after talking to me.
Shepherd: I am definitely in the dark here, let me add Cooper, he picks up social stuff faster.
Cooper added at 6:28 pm
Dexter: WTF STOP adding your brothers, Preston, this is serious.
Cooper: Hey, guys, what’s up? You realize I am in the next room, right?
Dexter: For Fuck's sake, everyone STOP texting, let Julia answer me.
Julia: I think you are one step closer to getting the girl, but Lanie just told me she has something she has to do to make sure she doesn’t break your family like she’s been broken.
Dexter: WTH, she isn’t broken, why the fuck won’t she listen to me on that? What is it she has to do?
Cooper: Wait, is MLM: Make Lanie Mine? So freaking cool, man. How long has this group been scheming?
Preston: Too fucking long.
Dexter: I am going to grab all your fucking phones in two seconds if you don’t shut the hell up and let Julia explain this to me.
Easton added 6:42 pm
Ashton added 6:42 pm
Dexter: That is it. Hand over your phones NOW.
Julia: She didn’t say, Dex, but my guess? If she has to fix something to be whole again, she is going to talk to her mom.
Dexter: Oh, hell no. She is not going without me.
Julia: That’s what I was hoping to hear.
Ashton: Can someone send us the transcripts? I have a feeling we have missed a lot of great stuff!
Julia: Fuck off. This is Julia btw, say hi to my Mom and Dad for me.
Julia: Dexter, I’m out of commission tonight, Charlie is sick, it's all up to you, dude.
Dexter: Great.
Lanie
“There’s an entire family out there that loves you, Lanie. You do not owe your mother anything.” Mimi says, helping me wash my hair in the sink. The unfortunate vomiting accident in the kitchen landed mostly on the left side of my head.
“I know, Mimi, I still can’t believe they all came and brought the Westbrook’s too,” I tell her.
“Seems to me, Dexter has his own chosen family out there. If the situation were reversed, do you really think we would let you go without us?” I hadn’t thought of it that way, but she had a point.
Standing up, I wrap a towel around my head. “You’re right, Mimi, but I have to do this, I think. I need the closure it will bring.”
“Honey, you know she is going to be in a bar tonight. Do you think you’ll get the closure you’re looking for if she has been drinking all day?” Mimi asks skeptically.
Staring at Mimi, I know I want to be a mom like her, however that comes to be. I also know it can’t happen unless I cut the strings of my past.
“Honestly, Mimi? This isn’t about the closure she can give me. It’s about the closure I need by speaking my truth, out loud, to her. I know she won’t remember and will very likely cause a scene, but I need it. If I want to move on…if I want a chance at inheriting that large group of crazy men out there…” I laugh because there is no other way to explain the Westbrook’s. “If I want those amazing babies I already love so much, and a man that cares so much more for me than I ever thought possible, I have to do this.”
Mimi takes me in her arms, tears running freely down her face. “We have been waiting for this da
y, Lanie. The day you would see how special you are, how easy you are to love, how much you have to offer the world if you could only open your heart. I don’t think I have ever been prouder to have you as a daughter as I am right now.” She pulls back and looks me straight in the eyes, “but you know, I cannot let you go down to that bar alone. I insist someone goes with you. Pawpaw will go if that’s what you’re most comfortable with.”
“Okay, I’m sorry to leave you with a house full of man-babies,” I tell her cheekily.
“Oh, honey, they are a group of very handsome men, I think I’ll survive. Plus, Sylvie is excellent at keeping those boys in line.”
“That she is,” I tell her.
We walk out of the bathroom to a room full of laughing and yelling. Sylvie and Pawpaw have taken the kids to the solarium, where it seems to be quieter. Dexter is yelling at Cooper, Shepherd has Easton in a headlock, Preston is taking pictures, and Ashton is spinning in circles trying to get everyone to calm down.
“What the heck is going on here?” I yell, louder than I knew I could be. Everyone freezes, even Preston, who is standing on Mimi’s couch with his phone high in the air, trying to get everyone in the frame.
“You, young man, can get your feet off my couch.” Mimi scolds, and Preston immediately jumps down.
“Sorry, ma’am, I was trying to get pictures for the MLM.” He says as if that explains everything.
“Oh, well then, carry on, everyone else can stop the yelling, though,” Mimi tells them.
I stare at her like she is crazy. What the hell is the MLM?
Dexter points to each one of the guys, “not another word or text from any of you, or I swear you won’t like what you’ll wake up to.”
He stalks towards me with my jacket in hand. “It is not up for debate,” he says, helping me into my coat. “I swear to God, Lanie, not a single word. I spoke to Julia. I spoke to Pete. If you insist on going into that bar, I will be going with you whether you want me to or not. I’m happy to drive you, but if you insist on going by yourself, know this, I will follow you.”
Looking at Pawpaw, I mouth, “Traitor,” to which he blows me a kiss.
“Dex, I really don’t want you to see this. She is going to be a mess, and it isn’t going to be pretty. She will definitely not be kind. I-I don’t want you to see me this way.”
Lifting my chin so I have to look at him, he stares at me for long minutes. “Lanie, just because this woman birthed you or because she will likely display abhorrent behavior towards you, it does not, in any way, change how I feel about you. Now that we have that out of the way, let's say goodbye to the kids and get this over with, shall we?” He speaks as if he has no idea we are about to enter the seventh layer of hell.
We say goodbye to the kids, and I promise Tate I will be back in the morning, then we walk towards the door.
Just before we leave, Sylvie stops us. “I’m so proud of you, Dex, your Dad would be so happy to see the man you’ve become.”
He has tears in his eyes. “Thank you, Sylvie. That means a lot. More than you could know, actually.”
She smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then whispers she loves him, and I see the emotion written all over his face.
“I love you too,” he replies.
We make our way to the car as wet, heavy snow starts to fall, covering the vehicles in the driveway. “Tate is going to love this tomorrow,” Dex tells me, “he hasn’t ever seen snow before.”
Shocked, I ask, “How is that possible?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “Anna hated the cold, and honestly, after Tate was born, she never wanted to go on vacation with us anyway. She made a few girls trips, but now I wonder if she actually went with her girlfriends.”
I hate the way he looks when he talks about her. I know in some ways Dex feels as if he failed. Someday, I hope he realizes he didn’t.
I point him in the right direction and we slowly make our way down the mountain. There is only one bar she would be at, it’s a few towns away and has had dollar drafts of the most disgusting beer I’ve ever tasted. She was always about the deals when it was her money on the line.
In good weather, it would take us twenty minutes to reach it, with the snow it might take closer to forty. “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive? I did grow up in this stuff, you know, I’ve been driving in it for years.” I stare at Dex again, his knuckles are white and his hands are at ten and two. His eyes don’t leave the road.
“Ah, I don’t want to sound like a sissy, but since our lives are at stake, I’m thinking that might be a good idea.”
I laugh at how easily he consents, but I direct him to the next pull off. Some things in this town never change, it calms me. Getting behind the wheel, I try to focus on the road, not what kind of hell I’m walking us into.
Dex
Chapter 35
Lanie is quiet the rest of the drive. I don’t talk either because I’m too worried about her attention remaining on the road. I cannot believe people live out here and drive in this shit regularly.
What happens if you break down? Do you even get cell service out here?
Having been here once before, I knew the town was small, but in the snow? It’s like my own private nightmare. I never realized how much of a city boy I am until right now.
Lanie slows the car as we begin entering a town. It looks like a ghost town at night, all the buildings seem to be at least a hundred years old. It gives it a quant feeling that I’m guessing is much less creepy in the daytime. She takes a left down Main Street, and I feel myself pumping an imaginary brake. Lanie is driving slowly enough, but the steep incline of the road has me on edge. Shocking me completely, she pulls over halfway down and puts on the emergency brake.
“What are you doing? We can’t stay here, the car will slide down the road.” She laughs at me and puts her mittens back on after opening the car door. “Are you serious right now? This is where you’re going to park?”
“Yes, Dex. This really is where I’m going to park. The bar is right over there,” she nods with her head, and I follow her line of sight.
I try not to make a face, but it takes a lot of work. With an old barber sign out front, I can tell the bar is in the basement. Steeling myself for what we are about to walk in on, I tell her, “I trust you, let’s go.”
I walk around the front of the car and notice Lanie has stalled in her seat. I quickly round the corner. “Hey, sweetheart, are you okay? We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready, you know that, right?”
She nods but doesn’t answer, so I lean in and hold her tightly in my arms. After a few minutes, she mumbles into my jacket.
“I’m-I’m ready, let's go.”
I pull away, looking her over and praying to every god out there that this doesn’t break her. Taking her hand, I lead her across the snow-covered street.
“Laa-nie Heart, is that you?” I hear a woman slurring her shouted words as we land on the opposite sidewalk. Then I hear Lanie mutter something under her breath, but I don’t catch it. I glare up at the drunken woman and I’m relieved to notice she is way too young to be Lanie’s mother. This young woman seems to be Lanie’s age.
“Hi, Jillian,” Lanie says, “how are you?”
“I’mmmm good, how is you? Who’s this? Not your boyfriend obv-obviously,” the drunk girl blurts out.
“Obviously,” Lanie copies back. “Good to see you, Jillian, have a good night.”
“Always did thinks you was better than us, didn't you, Lanes?” Jesus, are we going to get into a fight before we even enter the building? Thankfully, Lanie ignores her and drags me into the building.
Pulling open the door, I immediately have to duck. I may have an inch of clearing before my head hits the drop ceiling. Shit, I hope we can get a seat soon. Looking around, I’m surprised by how packed it is.
Lanie leads us through the crowd, yelling over her shoulder, “the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is always crazy because all the kids that left for col
lege are back. Everyone goes out to catch up,” she explains.
Walking through the bar, I take note of all the different people here. Young professionals, the old farmers, kids that are home from college, the ones who float around, it really isn’t that much different than some of the bars at home.
We are halfway through the crowd when Lanie stops so suddenly, I run smack into her back, almost knocking her over. I’m about to ask her if she is alright when I glance up and notice a woman sitting with her back to the bar, staring right at Lanie. A look of disgust all over her aging face.
I recognize her immediately. Not because Lanie looks like her, but because I recognize the hatred in this woman's eyes, it’s the same loathing Anna had the last time I saw her.
I would imagine in her younger years, Lanie and her mom could have passed as sisters, now she looks like a woman who has led a hard life of drugs and alcohol. Leaning down, I whisper, “are you ready, sweetheart?”
This seems to have sparked Lanie back to life because she starts walking again. This time, she has dropped my hand, but I work to keep pace with her and only stay an arm’s distance away.
When we reach her mom, Lanie stops a few feet away, looking around. As if sensing trouble, the woman to the left vacates her stool, and I guide Lanie to sit. It takes all of five seconds for her mother to start in.
“Well, if it isn’t my selfish piece of shit, daughter. Where you been, kiddo? Momma could have used some help with the bills the last couple of months, but those assholes up the mountain refuse to tell me where you’d gone. I figured after that Zachary set you straight, you’d stop slutting it up everywhere, but considering who you walked in with, I’m guessin’ I was right all along. Tell me, sir, how much you paying her for tonight?”
I’m beyond pissed. I’ve never hit a woman before, but I’m seconds away from knocking this bitch out.
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