by W. C. Sellar
Admiral De Trap in the Channel (Reuter)
It was at this period that the Navigation Acts were first made by the English. These Acts pointed out to the other countries that no foreign ships knew how to navigate the seas, and that their only chance was to steer for English ports. Although this was really part of the Rule Britannia (see Chap. 2, Freedom of the Seas), it caused some wars against the Dutch who were treacherously attempting to be top nation on the sea at that time. For a short while the Dutch ships were successful under their memorable Admiral, Van Broom, who is famous for blowing his own Trompet up the Medway until the sound was heard in the streets of London. The war, however, soon came to an end, since the Dutch are quite small and can never be top nation really.
Quaker Oates
A great deal of excitement was caused in this reign by Titus Oates, the memorable Quaker, who said that a Roman Catholic plot had been made with the objects (a) of murdering the King, (b) of blowing up the people, (c) of restoring the Roman Catholic religion instead. These would probably have been a Bad Thing, if they had been achieved, and the King was so enraged that he immediately introduced a Disabling Act which said that everyone except the heir to the throne was to be disabled. Later when he had relented, he had another Habeas Corpus Act passed, saying that the disabled people might keep their bodies.
Two Good Things
During Charles II's reign the Great Plague happened in London. This was caused by some rats which had left a sinking ship on its way from China, and was very fortunate for the Londoners, since there were too many people in London at the time, so that they were always in bad health.
In the following year, therefore, London was set on fire in case anyone should have been left over from the Plague, and St Paul's Cathedral was built instead. This was also a Good Thing and was the cause of Sir Christopher Wren, the memorable architect.
Pepys
Among the famous characters of the period were Samuel Pepys, who is memorable for keeping a Dairy and going to bed a great deal, and his wife Evelyn, who kept another memorable Dairy, but did not go to bed in in it.
CHAPTER 37
James II: A Maddening King
ALTHOUGH a Good Man, James II was a Bad King and behaved in such an irritating and arbitrary way that by the end of his reign the people had all gone mad.
Judge Jeffreys
One of the first things that happened was a rebellion by Monmouth, an indiscriminate son of Charles II who, landing incorrectly in Somerset, was easily defeated at Newbury, Sedgehill, Marston Moor, Newbury, etc. (see Civil War). The Rebels were ferociously dealt with by the memorable Judge Jeffreys who was sent out by James as a Justice in Ire in the West, where he made some furious remarks about the prisoners, known as `The Bloody Asides'.
Madnesses of James II
James II further enraged his subjects by (a) attempting to repeal the Habeas Corpus Act, saying that nobody might have a body after all, and (b) claiming the Dispensing Power which was a threat to revive Pride's Purge and do the dispensing of it himself; (c) suspending (probably a modified form of hanging) the Vice-Chancellor at Cambridge, who was apparently mad too, for refusing to have a Benedictine.
England's Answer
The final and irreparable madness of the people was brought on by James's action in bringing to trial Seven Bishops (Bancroft, Sancroft, and Sacheveral others) for refusing to read Charles II's Declaration of Indulgence (which they thought would be dangerous under the circumstances), and when in addition it became known that James had confined his infant son and heir in a warming-pan the people lost control of themselves altogether and, lighting an enormous number of candles, declared that the answer was an Orange. James was thus compelled to abdicate.
CHAPTER 38
Williamanmary: England Ruled by an Orange
WILLIAMANMARY for some reason was known as The Orange in their own country of Holland, and were popular as King of England because the people naturally believed it was descended from Nell Glyn. It was on the whole a good King and one of their first Acts was the Toleration Act, which said they would tolerate anything, though afterwards it went back on this and decided that they could not tolerate the Scots.
A Darien Scheme
The Scots were now in a skirling uproar because James II was the last of the Scottish Kings and England was under the rule of the Dutch Orange; it was therefore decided to put them in charge of a very fat man called Cortez and transport them to a Peak in Darien, where it was hoped they would be more silent.
Massacre of Glascoe
The Scots, however, continued to squirl and hoot at the Orange, and a rebellion was raised by the memorable Viscount Slaughterhouse (the Bonnie Dundee) and his Gallivanting Army. Finally Slaughterhouse was defeated at the Pass of Ghilliekrankie and the Scots were all massacred at Glascoe, near Edinburgh (in Scotland, where the Scots were living at that time); after which they were forbidden to curl or hoot or even to wear the Kilt. (This was a Good Thing, as the Kilt was one of the causes of their being so uproarious and Scotch.)
Blood-Orangemen
Meanwhile the Orange increased its popularity and showed themselves to be a very strong King by its ingenious answer to the Irish Question; this consisted in the Battle of the Boyne and a very strong treaty which followed it, stating (a) that all the Irish Roman Catholics who liked could be transported to France, (b) that all the rest who liked could be put to the sword, (c) that Northern Ireland should be planted with Blood Orangemen.
These Blood-Orangemen are still there; they are, of course, all descendants of Nell Glyn and are extremely fierce and industrial and so loyal that they are always ready to start a loyal rebellion to the Glory of God and the Orange. All of which shows that the Orange was a Good Thing, as well as being a good King. After the Treaty the Irish who remained were made to go and live in a bog and think of a New Question.
The Bank of England
It was Williamanmary who first discovered the National Debt and had the memorable idea of building the Bank of England to put it in. The National Debt is a very Good Thing and it would be dangerous to pay it off, for fear of Political Economy.
Finally the Orange was killed by a mole while out riding and was succeeded by the memorable dead queen, Anne.
TEST PAPER IV
Up to the End of the Stuarts
1. Stigmatize cursorily (a) Queen Mary, (b) Judge Jeffreys's asides. (Speak out.)
2. Outline joyfully (1) Henry VIII, (2) Stout Cortez.
3. Who had what written on whose what?
4. What convinces you that Henry VIII had VIII wives? Was it worth it?
5. Conjugate briefly Ritzio and Mary Queen of Scots.
6. In what ways was Queen Elizabeth a Bad Man but a Good Queen?
7. `To the exercise of Despotic Monarchy the Crown is more essential than the Throne.' (Refute with special reference to anything you know.)
8. Which do you consider was the stronger swimmer, (a) The Spanish Armadillo, (b) The Great Seal?
9. Who was in whose what, and how many miles away?
10. Cap'n, art thou sleeping there below?(*)
11. Deplore the failure of the Gunpowder Plot, stating the day and month (but not, of course, the year) usually assigned to it.
12. Examine the state of mind of (1) Charles I, half an hour after his head was cut off (2) Charles II, half a moment after first sighting Nell Gwyn.
13. Why on earth was William of Orange? (Seriously, though.)
14. How can you be so numb and vague about Arabella Stuart?
15. Estimate the medical prowess of the period with clinical reference to (a) Pride's Purge, (b) The Diet of Worms, (c) The Topic of Capricorns.
(*)N.B. Do not attempt to answer this question.
CHAPTER 39
Anne: A Dead Queen
QUEEN Anne was considered rather a remarkable woman and hence was usually referred to as Great Anna, or Annus Mirabilis. Besides being dead she was extremely kind-hearted and had a very soothing Act passed call
ed the Occasional Conformity Act which said that people only had to conform with it occasionally: this pleasant trait in her character was called Queen Anne's Bounty. (The Occasional Conformity Act was the only Act of its kind in History, until the Speed limit was invented.)
The Queen had many favourites (all women), the most memorable of whom were Sarah Jenkins and Mrs Smashems, who were the first Wig and the first Tory. Sarah Jenkins was really the wife of the Duke of Marlborough, the famous General, inventor of the Ramillies Whig) of which Sarah wore the first example.
Succession of Wars
All through the eighteenth century there was a Succession of Wars, and in Queen Anne's reign these were called the Spanish Succession (or Austrian Succession) because of The Infanta (or The Mariatheresa); they were fought mainly on account of the French King L/XIV (le grand Monomarque) saying there were no more Pyrenese, thus infuriating the Infanta who was one herself.
Probably the Wars could never have been fought properly but for the genius of Marlborough, who could always remember which side the Bavarians and the Elector Pantomime of the Rhine were supposed to be on: this unique talent enabled him to defeat his enemies in fierce battles long before they could discover which side he himself was on. Marlborough, however, was a miser in politics and made everyone pay to go into his party; he was therefore despised as a turnstyle.
In this reign also occurred the memorable Port Wine Treaty with Portugal, directed against Decanters (as the Non-Conformists were now called), as well as a very clever Act called the Schism Act which said that everybody's religion was to be quite different from everybody else's. Meanwhile the Whigs being the first to realize that the Queen had been dead all the time chose George I as King.
CHAPTER 40
The XV and the XLV
ALTHOUGH the Whigs said that George I was King, many of the Tories thought that the Old Pretender was. The Old Pretender did not raise the standard of rebellion much and is only famous for being late for his own Rebellion, which had been easily put down long before he landed with his memorable XV in Scotland. His standard was of blue silk with the motto `Nemo me impune lacessit', but when it was raised the top fell off.
The Young Pretender, whose followers were called the XLV, was quite different, his standard being of red silk with the motto ?Tandem Triumphans?, and the top didn't fall off. At Preston Pans the English commander was the first to run away and bring the news of his own defeat, which was thus immediately believed. The hero of these adventures was the memorable Bonnie Prince Charlie (the Young Chandelier), who after being bloodily defeated by a Butcher at Flodden in Cumberland, was helped to escape by his many Scottish lovers, such as Flora MacNightingale (the fair maid of Perth), Amy Robsart, Lorna Doone, Annie Laurie, the Widow with Thumbs, etc.
The Southsea Bubble
About this time nearly everybody in London stupidly got involved in an enormous bubble that appeared at Southsea. Some were persuaded that it would be a Good Thing if all the money in the country, including the National Debt, were sunk in it; others got into it merely with the object of speculating how soon it would be before it burst. Among these was a very clever man called Walpole who got out of the bubble in time, thus bursting it and becoming the first Prime Minister. Walpole was a Good Prime Minister: the Southsea bubble was thus a Good Thing.
'Let Sleeping Dogs Lie' (Walpole)
Walpole ought never to be confused with Walpole, who was quite different; it was Walpole who lived in a house with the unusual name of Strawberry Jam and spent his time writing letters to famous men (such as the Prime Minister, Walpole, etc.). Walpole is memorable for inventing the new policy of letting dogs go to sleep.
[ Policy
This was a Good Thing really, but it so enraged the people (who thought that a dog's life should be more uncomfortable) that they rang all the bells in London. At first Walpole merely muttered his policy, but eventually he was compelled to rouse himself and become actively memorable by remarking: `They are ringing the bells now; I shall be wringing their necks soon.'
CHAPTER 41
Rules of Wars in the Eighteenth Century
ALTHOUGH the Succession of Wars went on nearly the whole time in the eighteenth century, the countries kept on making a treaty called the Treaty of Paris (or Utrecht).
This Treaty was a Good Thing and laid down the Rules for fighting the wars; these were:
(1) that there should be a mutual restitution of conquests except that England should keep Gibraltar, Malta, Minorca, Canada, India, etc.;
(2) that France should hand over to England the West Indian islands of San Flamingo, Tapioca, Sago, Dago, Bezique and Contango, while the Dutch were always to have Lumbago and the Laxative Islands;
(3) that everyone, however Infantile or even insane, should renounce all claim to the Spanish throne;
(4) that the King (or Queen) of France should admit that the King (or Queen) of England was King (or Queen) of England and should not harbour the Young Pretender, but that the fortifications of Dunkirk should be disgruntled and raised to the ground.
Thus, as soon as the fortifications of Dunkirk had been gruntled again, or the Young Pretender was found in a harbour in France, or it was discovered that the Dutch had not got Lumbago, etc., the countries knew that it was time for the treaty to be signed again, so that the War could continue in an orderly manner.
CHAPTER 42
George III: An Obstinate King
GEORGE III was a Bad King. He was, however, to a great extent insane and a Good Man and his ministers were always called Pitt. The Pitts, like Pretenders, generally came in waves of about two, an elder Pitt and a younger Pitt.
Britain Muffles Through
The elder Pitt (Clapham) at this time had the rather strategic idea of conquering Canada on the banks of the Elbe; learning, however, that it was not there, he told the famous poetic general, Wolfe, to conquer Quebec instead. At first Wolfe complained that he would rather write Gray's Elegy, but on being told that it had been written already (by Gray) he agreed to take Quebec.
Quebec was very difficult to approach; Wolfe therefore rowed up the St Laurence with muffled drums and ordered his Highland troops to skirl up the perpendicular Heights of Abraham with muffled boots, hoots, etc., thus taking the French by surprise.
At this engagement the French had a very peculiar general with the unusual French name of Keep-calm. On receiving a muffled report to the effect that Wolfe's men had captured Quebec, one of his aides-de-calm called out: `See! They fly!' `Who fly?' asked the General, and, on being assured that it was his own men who were flying, `Thank God!' said Keep-calm, with a sigh of satisfaction: `Now, I can fly in peace!'
CHAPTER 43
India
IT was in the eighteenth century that Indian History started. Indian History is a great number of wars in which the English fought victoriously against the Waratah Confederacy and various kinds of potentates called Sahibs, Wallahs, Jahs, Rajahs, Hurrahjahs, Mahurrahjahs, Jhams, and Jhelhies. Most memorable amongst these were the terrible Napoo Sahib, the Maharatta of Pshaw, the Chandra Gaff, and the Taj Mahal.
Cressey and the Black Whole
Many of these victories were due to an Englishman named Robert Clive, a typist in the East India Coy Ltd, who, after failing to commit suicide three times, made the famous raid on Arcos in conjunction with Jicks Pasha, and held it against all comers.
Clive then marched to Calcutta and with a Mir Jafar (or handful) of men defeated all the Indians in the utterly memorable battle of Cressey.
This battle was Clive's revenge on the Black Whole of Calcutta and especially on that destructive All-Black Waratah, the Napoo Sahib.
The Doldrums of Oudh
Second in importance only to Clive was Laurence Hastings, well known for his rapacity towards the natives. Besides his treatment of Lo (a poor Indian with an untutored mind) recorded by the poet Poep, he very harshly extracted money from the Doldrums of Oudh, two old women without any teeth. For this he was impaled before the House
of Commons, and after being cross-examined by Burke and Hare for seven and a half years, was finally acquitted and became Viscount Senlac of Oudh.
CHAPTER 44
The Boston Tea-Party
ONE day when George III was insane he heard that the Americans never had afternoon tea. This made him very obstinate and he invited them all to a compulsory tea-party at Boston; the Americans, however, started by pouring the tea into Boston Harbour and went on pouring things into Boston Harbour until they were quite Independent, thus causing the United States. These were also partly caused by Dick Washington who defeated the English at Bunker's Hill (`with his little mashie', as he told his father afterwards).
The War with the Americans is memorable as being the only war in which the English were ever defeated, and it was unfair because the Americans had the Allies on their side. In some ways the war was really a draw, since England remained top nation and had the Allies afterwards, while the Americans, in memory of George III's madness, still refuse to drink tea and go on pouring anything the English send them to drink into Boston Harbour. After this the Americans made Wittington President and gave up speaking English and became U.S.A. and Columbia and 100%, etc. This was a Good Thing in the end, as it was a cause of the British Empire, but it prevented America from having any more History.
CHAPTER 45
The French Revolution
SOON after America had ceased to be memorable, the French Revolution broke out (in France). This, like all other Revolutions, was chiefly due to Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, etc., but also to the writings of Madame Tousseau, the French King's mistress, who believed in everyone returning to a state of nature and was therefore known as la belle sauvage.
The French Revolution is very interesting and romantic; quite near the beginning of it Dante and Robespear, the revolutionary leaders (or Jacobites as they were called), met in the beautiful and historic Chamber of Horrors at Versailles and decided to massacre everyone in September. This was called the Glorious First of June and was done in accordance with a new National Convention. Memorable amongst those who were massacred were Robespear himself, who was executed in his own gelatine, and Marat, who was murdered in his bath by Madame Tousseau.