by W. C. Sellar
CHAPTER 46
Napoleon
THE English were disgusted by this new French Convention and so decided to go in for The War again, thus causing Nelson and the Duke of Wellington. The War was now called the Napoleonic War, after Napoleon, a Corsican, whose real name was Bonuapart, and who had cleverly made himself First Consort by means of a whiff of grape-nuts. (This is called the Napoleonic Legend.)
The French Revolution caused great loss of life, liberty, fraternity, etc., and was, of course, a Good Thing, since the French were rather degenerate at the time; but Napoleon now invented a new Convention that the French should massacre all the other nations and become top nation, and this, though quite generate, was a Bad Thing.
CHAPTER 47
Nelson
NAPOLEON ought never to be confused with Nelson, in spite of their hats being so alike; they can most easily be distinguished from one another by the fact that Nelson always stood with his arm like this, while Napoleon always stood with his arms like that.
Nelson was one of England's most naval officers, and despised weak commands. At one battle when he was told that his Admiral-in-Chief had ordered him to cease fire, he put the telephone under his blind arm and exclaimed in disgust: `Kiss me, Hardy!'
By this and other intrepid manoeuvres the French were utterly driven from the seas.
Pitt and Fox
Meanwhile at home the War was being helped on a good deal by the famous remarks of the politicians, such as Pitt and Fox. On one occasion Fox said in the House of Commons that the French Revolution was a Good Thing; whereupon the younger Pitt (Balham) rose slowly to his feet and, pointing at Fox, exclaimed: 'Roll up that chap: he will not be wanted these ten years.' Having thus made his most memorable saying, Pitt was carried out of the House and died almost immediately of a surfeit of austerlitz. The plans of Napoleon were thus gradually thwarted.
CHAPTER 48
Wellington
BUT the most important of the great men who at this time kept Britain top nation was an Irishman called John Wesley, who afterwards became the Duke of Wellington (and thus English). When he was still Wolseley, Wellington made a great name for himself at Plassaye, in India, where he remarking afterwards, `It was the bloodiest battle for numbers I ever knew.' It was, however, against Napoleon and his famous Marshals (such as Marshals Ney, Soult, Davos, Mürren, Soult, Bleriot, Snelgrove, Ney, etc.) that Wellington became most memorable. Napoleon's armies always used to march on their stomachs, shouting: 'Vive I'lnterieur!' and so moved about very slowly (ventre-à-terre, as the French say), thus enabling Wellington to catch them up and defeat them. When Napoleon made his troops march all the way to Moscow on their stomachs they got frozen to death one by one, and even Napoleon himself admitted afterwards that it was rather a Bad Thing.
Gorilla War in Spain
The second part of the Napoleonic War was fought in Spain and Portugal and was called the Gorilla War on account of the primitive Spanish method of fighting.
Wellington became so impatient with the slow movements of the French troops that he occupied himself drawing imaginary lines all over Portugal and thus marking off the fighting zone; he made a rule that defeats beyond these lines did not count, while any French army that came his side of them was out of bounds. Having thus insured himself against disaster, Wellington won startling victories at Devalera, Albumina, Salamanda, etc.
Waterloo
After losing this war Napoleon was sent away by the French, since he had not succeeded in making them top nation; but he soon escaped and returned just in time to fight on the French side at the battle of Waterloo. This utterly memorable battle was fought at the end of a dance, on the Playing Fields of Eton, and resulted in the English definitely becoming top nation. It was thus a very Good Thing. During the engagement the French came on in their usual creeping and crawling method and were defeated by Wellington's memorable order, `Up Jenkins and Smashems'.
This time Napoleon was sent right away for ever by everybody, and stood on the deck of a ship in white breeches with his arms like that.
CHAPTER 49
The Industrial Revelation
DURING these Wars many very remarkable discoveries and inventions were made. Most memorable among these was the discovery (made by all the rich men in England at once) that women and children could work for twenty-five hours a day in factories without many of them dying or becoming excessively deformed. This was known as the Industrial Revelation and completely changed the faces of the North of England.
The Tractarian Movement
The Industrial Revelation would never have occurred but for the wave of great mechanical Inventors, e.g. Arkwright, who invented the Spinning Jenny, or unmarried textile working girl; subsequently, however, this kind of work was done by mules, the discovery of a man called Crompton. Other benefactors were Sir Isaak Watts who invented steam-kettles, Sir Robert Boyle who had them legalized,(*) and finally Robert Louis Stevenson, who put wheels on to them, thereby inventing Railway trains, steam-rollers, and other tractarian engines.
Factory Acts
The new situation created by the Industrial Revelation was boldly met by the statesmen of the day with a wave of Acts, such as Tory Acts, Factory Acts, Satisfactory Acts and Unsatisfactory Acts. The most soothing of
(*)Boyle's Law: `Watts pots never boyle.' these enacted that children under five years of age who worked all day in factories should have meals (at night). This was a Good Thing, as it enabled them to work much faster.
Enclosures
At the same time there was an Agricultural Revelation which was caused by the invention of turnips and the discovery that Trespassers would be Prosecuted. This was a Good Thing too, because previously the Land had all been rather common, and it was called the Enclosure movement and was the origin of Keeping off the Grass. The movement culminated in the vast Royal Enclosure at Ascot which nobody is allowed on except His Majesty the King (and friend).
The Combinations Law
All this gave rise to considerable discontent, but it was not until the memorable Combinations Law was passed that the people were roused to fury. This unjust law said that Combinations (or Union suits) were legal, or (in some cases) illegal, both for employers and employees, and resulted in the
Blankester Massacre
Gradually the people had become so discontented with the Combinations Law that they had begun wearing Blankets, especially in the North of England; this was of course, sedition, and resulted in a battle near Manchester, in which all the people in blankets were accidentally massacred.
The Government then very cleverly passed the famous Six Acts, all of which said that it was quite all right for people in blankets to be massacred. Since which the people in the North have ceased to be seditious, and even wear bowler hats for lunch, bathing, etc.
Munroe Doctrine
Meanwhile in foreign affairs, Canning, the memorable foreign minister, started a new anti-English or Liberal policy by saying that he had `called the New World into existence to upset the Balance of the Old'. This was known as the Munroe Doctrine and proves that it is wrong for anyone to have wars in North or South America (except the United States Marines).
CHAPTER 50
George IV: A Gentleman King
DURING these disturbances George III had died and had been succeeded by his son, George IV, who was the Prince Regent and an Inventor and very Bad. George IV's most memorable invention was Gentlemen and he was the First Gentleman in Europe:
Examples of George IVs Badness and Gentlemanliness
1. He was very fat.
2. He was a friend of Beau Brocade, the memorable Dandy Dinmont or man-about-town of those days.
3. He was a member of White's and many other notorious Knight clubs.
4. He was hostile to his wife and attempted to give her pains by means of an Act of Parliament.
Death of George IV
Besides gentlemen, George IV had invented Regent Street, the Regent Canal, etc., before he came t
o the throne, and afterwards he invented the Brighton Marine Aquarium. He was thus a Bad Thing. Finally he died of a surfeit of Aquaria, Pavilia, Gentlemen, etc., probably at Brighton.
CHAPTER 51
William IV: A Sailor King
THE marine tendency of George IV was inherited by his brother William IV, who was known as the Sailor King on account of his readiness to create any number of piers at moments of political crisis. Apart from this, however, William IV would not have succeeded in being memorable at all except for his awkward and uncalled-for irruption into the Georgian succession.
Rotten Burrows
During this reign the Great Reform Bill was passed on account of the Rotten Burrows: this was because the Old Landlords said that new places like Manchester were rotten burrows and shouldn't have votes. A great deal of confusion was caused by these rotten burrows which were undermining the Constitution, but eventually Lord Grey invented the Great Reform Bill which laid down clearly who had votes and who hadn't.
Reform Bill
This Bill had two important clauses, which said:
(1) that some of the Burrows were rotten and that the people who lived in them should not be allowed either to stand or to have seats.
(2) that 'householders leaseholders and copyholders who –had £10 in the towns or freeholders who paid 40s. in the country for 10 years or leaseholders (in the country) and copyholders for 21 years in the towns (paying a rent of £50) should in some cases (in the towns) have a vote (for 1 year) but in others for 41 years (in the country) paying a leasehold or copyhold of £10 should not.'
When this unforgettable Law was made known there was great rejoicing and bonfires were lit all over the country.
Later Reform Bills
Later in the century, other Reform Bills were passed, such as Gladstone's Reform Bill which added householders (in the country) for one year to freeholders and kettleholders worth £10 a year, and gave a vote to anyone who lived in lodgings (for 21 years) or spent £10 in the Post Office. And there was also Disraeli's Reform Bill, which gave the vote to any lodger who paid £10 and lodged in the same lodgings for one year. This, however, was naturally thought very rash and was quite rightly characterized by the penetrating Lord Salisbury, in a brilliant phrase, as `A Sleep in the Dark'. The Reform Bills were a Good Thing except for a few Old Landlords who were deprived of their seats. Nowadays Flappers are allowed to vote and men have to put up with this even if they live in the same lodgings all their lives. This is a Bad Thing and is called Manhold Suffrage.
CHAPTER 52
Queen Victoria: A Good Queen
ON the death of William IV, Queen Victoria, though asleep at the time and thus in her nightdress, showed great devotion to duty by immediately ascending the throne. In this bold act she was assisted by Lord Melbourne and the Archbishop of Canterbury, who were both properly dressed.
Finding herself on the throne, Queen Victoria immediately announced her intention of being Good and plural but not amused. This challenge was joyfully accepted by her subjects, and throughout her protracted reign loyal and indefatigable attempts to amuse her were made by Her Majesty's eminently Victorian ministers and generals.
Attempts to Amuse Queen Victoria
One of the first of these attempts was Lord Melbourne's memorable political rule that it did not matter what the Cabinet said so long as they all answered at once. This he called the Collective Responsibility of the Cabinet; the Queen, however, was not amused.
Next, Mr Rowland Hill invented penny stamps. The Queen, however, without hesitation Knighted him.
The loyal task therefore devolved on a more active group of men called the Chartists who nearly succeeded by drawing an enormous Chart showing the position of affairs and signing it with imaginary names. This resulted in a succession of riots amongst the imaginary people, and necessitated the passing of the memorable Poor Law which laid down that everybody in the country was poor (except the rich).
These endeavours having failed, the Queen was allowed to abandon for the time being all thoughts of levity and to marry her beautiful cousin (the memorable Prince Consaught), a Good German whom she had met during the great International Expedition to Hyde Park.
Sir Robert Repeel. Potato Duties in Ireland
About this time the famous Tory statesman, Sir Robert Repeel, noticed that the Irish had had nothing to eat for some years owing to the fact that the potatoes, which it was their Duty to eat, had all gone bad.
The Tory Government were for long divided between two policies, one section insisting that the Irish ought to eat the potatoes, the other insisting that they need not.
Sir Robert, however, boldly passed his famous Corn Laws which abolished the Duty and permitted the Irish to eat bread, thus dissociating himself from the Tories who doggedly maintained that the Irish had only two alternatives: (a) to eat the potatoes, and (b) not to. Sir Robert, having thus destroyed his own Party, bethought himself of The Queen and invented Policemen. Her Majesty, however, ...
CHAPTER 53
Crimean War
NOT very long after this the memorable Crimean War broke out against the Russians. This war was exceptionally inevitable and was caused by a number of causes.
Causes of the Crimean War
(a) The English had not yet fought against the Russians,
(b) The Sick Man of Europe (cured later by Florence Nightingown). –
(c) Russia was too big and was pointing in the direction of India.
(d) The Holy Places. The French thought that the Holy Places ought to be guarded (probably against the Americans) by Latin Monks, while the Turks, who owned the Places, thought that they ought to be guarded by Greek Monks. England therefore quite rightly declared war on Russia, who immediately occupied Roumania.
The war was consequently fought in the Crimea (near Persia) in the following romantic manner:
1. The Bank of Inkerman so called because the soldiers on both sides fought in the dark as well as the Generals: the English were, naturally, victorious.
2. The Siege of Sir Pastobol (the memorable Russian General) who was quite besieged, and the English were very victorious.
3. The Battle of Balaclava, famous for the Charge of the Fire Brigade by Lord Tennyson and 599 other gallant men who, armed with Cardigans and Balaclava helmets, advanced for a league and a half (41/2 miles) and back (9 miles), with the object of proving that someone had thundered the wrong order. (In which they were completely successful.)
4. Flora MacNightshade. The troops in the Crimea suffered terribly from their Cardigans and Balaclava helmets and from a new kind of overcoat invented by Lord Raglan, the Commander-in-Chief. They were also only allowed to wear boots on their left feet until the memorable intervention of Flora MacNightlight (the Lady with the Deadly Lampshade), who gave them boots for their right feet and other comforts, and cured them of their sufferings every night with doses of deadly lampshade.
CHAPTER 54
The Indian Mutiny
THIS was also inevitable on account of:
(a) The Natives. These believed that the English were going to make them bite their greasy cartileges (Chuputti). This they treacherously believed to be contrary to their religion and therefore a Bad Thing.
(b) The Anglo-Indians. The natives were unable to realize that these were a Good Thing.
Consequently an outbreak of very serious Meeruts occurred at Cawnpore and elsewhere and a descendant of the Great Mohawk was set up as Emperor at Dulwich (the old capital of India). Most terrible among the Indian leaders was a native Pundit called the Banana Sahib who by means of his treacherous disguise lured famished British regiments to destruction. The Mutiny, however, was a Good Thing as it was the cause of Lucknow being relieved by Generals Havelock, Ellis, etc., and Lord Roberts got the V.C. and stayed on for forty-one years.
The Results of the Mutiny were:
(a) The Sepoy (or Governor-General) of India was brought under the control of the Crown.
(b) The Queen was declared
to be the Great Mohawk of India.
CHAPTER 55
`Pal'
MEANWHILE, at home, fresh attempts to galvanize the Queen resulted in the promotion of Lord Palmerston (`Pal') to the Premiership a rather matey minister who always wore green gloves and sucked a straw and altered the Despatches after the Queen had signed them, so that they became surprises for her. It was not, however, until he conceived and carried through his heartless Conspiracy to Murder Bill that the Good (but now Horrified) Queen dismissed him. After which `Pal' spent his time taking special trains in all directions and galloping to Harrow on a cream-coloured pony, thus endearing himself to the People and becoming an object of terror and admiration to all foreign governments.
CHAPTER 56
Fresh Attempts to Amuse the Queen. Wave of Justifiable Wars
OWING to the inability of the Queen's ministers to amuse the Crown, superhuman attempts were now made by her Majesty's generals at home and abroad to provide military diversions. These took the form of a wave of Justifiable Wars, including:
1. War with China. Fought on moral grounds, because the Chinese government were disposed to impede the importation of Empire Opium into China. The British thus became indispensable to the Chinese and, after several bloody engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of China, was ceded to the British Throne.
2. War with Afghanistan. Owing to the size, direction, etc., of Russia, it was imperative that the King of Afghanistan, whose name was Just Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly attitude. The King, however, (Just) declined to do this and the British Army was cut to pieces in the Fippa Passes to such an extent that Dr Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians, half dead) into Jallallaballad. After this, however, several bloody battles were fought, and the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to sit in a more friendly attitude.