by W. C. Sellar
3. Sheikh War. Cause: Death of Ranji Tsinji (a huge Sheikh). The Sheikhs were very tall men on the frontier of India who obscured the Imperial outlook. A bloody strife ensued. Sir Hew Golf annihilated the Sheikhs, subsequently compelling them to present the Queen with a huge pencil called the Koh-in-Oor. The Sheikhs were thus reduced in every way and were afterwards on our side and a Good Thing.
4. 2nd Burmese War. Cause: there had only been one Burmese war. Burmese cut to pieces. Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.
5. War against Abyssinia. Object: to release the Europeans in Abyssinia, all of whom had been incarcerated by the King, Theodore, who was a Christian and would not see their point of view. The war was divided into two parts (1) Sir Robert Rapier demands release of prisoners. Prisoners released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia. King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the capital of Abyssinia. Theodore commits suicide. Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of Magnesia. Peace with Abyssinia.
6. War against A Shantee. Coffee, King of a Shantee, worsted and burnt by Sir Garment Wolsee, who becomes Viscount Coffee. Peace with the Shantee.
7. War against Zulus. Cause: the Zulus. Zulus exterminated. Peace with Zulus.
All these attempts having failed, news was brought to the Queen that the Fiji Islands were annexed to the British `by the desire of the inhabitants'. At this point, according to some (seditious) historians, Her Majesty's lip was observed to tremble.
Spheres of Interference.
Egypt
It was during these wars that Spheres of Interference were discovered: these were necessary hi all Countries inhabited by their own natives.
The first of the Spheres was Egypt which now became memorable for the first tune since Potiphar, the well-known Egyptian Pharaoh. Egypt was put under the Duel Control of England and France and was thus declared bankrupt; Alibaba, the Mowhgli, and other Pasha-Beziques were therefore immediately exterminated by Sir Garment Wolsey and subsequently by Kitchener of Kartoon at the terrible French battle of Homme de Man. This was because of Chinese Gordon (leader of the famous Gordon Riots(*) in Pekin) and was called the Pagoda Incident and is remarkable as being the only (memorable) Incident in History.
CHAPTER 57
Disraeli and Gladstone
NOT very much is known about these two extremely memorable ministers, except that (a) Disraeli `brought back Peace with Honour' after the famous Balkan Treaty of Berlin, which said:
1. that Bosnia should be ceded to Herzegovina;
2. that Herzegovina should be ceded to Bosnia (this is called the Eastern Question);
3. that Bulgaria should be divided into two parts (later, Bulgaria was re-divided into one part by Mr Gladstone);
4. that anyone found in Armenia should be gradually divided into twelve pans. (Mr Gladstone subsequently criticized the effect of this clause.)
Disraeli also very generously purchased the Panama Canal from the Khalif and presented it to Queen (b)
Gladstone, on the other hand, endeavoured (quite unsuccessfully) to please Her Majesty by chewing a milk pudding seventy-nine times every day, and by his memorable inventions; amongst the latter were an exceptionally uncomfortable collar which he inhabited for sixty-two years on the floor of the House of Commons, and an extremely simple kind of bag which he designed to enable the Turks to be driven out of Europe Bag and Baggage. Gladstone also invented the Education Rate by which it was possible to calculate how soon anybody could be educated, and spent his declining years trying to guess the answer to the Irish Question; unfortunately, whenever he was getting warm, the Irish secretly changed the Question, so that as he grew older and older Gladstone became angrier and angrier, and grander and grander, and was ultimately awarded the affectionate title of `the G.P.O.' Gladstone was thus clearly a Good Man but a Bad Thing (or, alternatively, a Bad Man but a Good Thing).
(*)Due to the justifiable looting of Pekin by the Allies. Victoria with a huge bunch of primroses (his favourite flower), thus becoming Lord Beaconsfield and a romantic minister. The Queen, however, remained obdurately plural and not amused, even when Disraeli romantically called her a Faery Queen.
Queen Victoria's Jamboree
Finally, all attempts (even by Gladstone and Disraeli) to amuse her, and to prevent her being good, having failed, the Queen held a Jamboree in Westminster Abbey and Crowned Heads and Oriental Patentees from all parts of the world came to acknowledge publicly the Good Queen's Victory over all her ministers and generals.
CHAPTER 58
The Boerwoer
THE last event in Queen Victoria's reign was the Borewore, or, more correctly, Boerwoer (Dutch), which was fought against a very tiresome Dutch tribe called the Bores, because they were left over from all previous wars.
The War was not a very successful one at first, and was quite unfair because the Boers could shoot much further than the English, and also because they were rather despicable in wearing veldt hats and using PomPom bullets.
Numerous battles were fought against the Bore leaders (such as Bother, Kopje, and Stellenbosch) at Nek's Creek, Creek's Nek, Knock's Knee, etc., and much assistance was given to the British cause by Strathcoma's memorable horse (patriotically lent by Lord Strathcoma for the occasion) and by the C.I.D., who fought very bravely and were awarded a tremendous welcome on their return to London after the war.
Finally, the people at home took upon themselves the direction of the War and won it in a single night in London by a new and bracing method of warfare known as Mafeking. Thus the English were once more victorious. Memorable Results The Barwar was obviously a Good Thing in the end because it was the cause of Boy Scouts and of their memorable Chief Scout, General Baden Powell (known affectionately as 'the B.O.P.'), and also because it gave rise to a number of very manly books, such as 40 Years Beating About The Bush, 50 Years Before The Mast, 60 Years Behind The Times, etc.
Death of Queen Victoria
Meanwhile Queen Victoria had celebrated another Jamboree, called the Diamond Jamboree (on account of the discovery of Diamond mines at Camberley during the Borewore) and after dying of a surfeit of Jamborees, Jokes, Gladstone, etc., had been succeeded by her son, Edward VII.
CHAPTER 59
Wave of Inventions
THE reign of Queen Victoria was famous for the numerous discoveries and inventions which happened in it. One of the first of these was the brilliant theory of Mr Darwin propounded in his memorable works, Tails of a Grandfather, The Manx Man, Our Mutual Friends, etc. This was known as Elocution or the Origin of Speeches and was fiercely denounced in every pulpit. Another memorable invention was called the Oxford Movement: this was a form of sinuflection which led men gradually in the direction of Rome; the movement was first made by Cardinal Newton at Oxford, and later, Feeble and Pusey Colleges were found there to commemorate his assistants. Many illustrated manuals and pamphlets were written by Cardinals Newton and Feeble, giving directions for the movement.
There was also in Queen Victoria's reign a famous inventor and poet called Oscar Wilde who wrote very well but behaved rather beardsley; he made himself memorable by inventing Art, Asceticism, etc., and was the leader of a set of disgusting old gentlemen called `the naughty nineties'.
But most memorable of all were the McCanical inventions of the age, nearly all of which were kinds of Progress and invented by Scotsmen and Bad Things. Amongst these were Bicycles which caused Tricycles, coasting, bloomers, etc., and Roads (invented by Lord
[Wrote very well Naughty nineties [but... Naughty ninetiesMacadam and his son Lord Tarmac) for them to go along. Other inventions were Thermometers (invented by Lord Farqualqhounheit) which caused Temperatures, inflolqhouenza, etc.; Telegrams which caused betting, Bismark, etc.; Mackintoshes (invented by another Scottish nobleman whose name is now forgotten); and the memorable line invented by Mr Plimsoll (see diagram below).
Most of these inventions, however, were too numerous to be mentioned.
Mr Plimsoll's Invention.
CHAPTER 60
&n
bsp; Edward VII: Almost a Monarch
EDWARD VII was quite old when he came to the throne, but this was only on account of Queen Victoria, and he was really a very active man and had many romantic occupations; for instance, he went betting and visited Paris and was sometimes late for dinner; in addition he was merry with actresses and kind to gypsies.
Besides all this Edward VII smoked cigars, was addicted to entente cordials, married a Sea-King's daughter, and invented appendicitis. Edward VII was thus a very Good King, besides being a Good Thing and amused and, in fact, almost a Monarch. He is also memorable because he preferred making peace instead of war.
CHAPTER 61
The Great War
KING Edward's new policy of peace was very successful and culminated in the Great War to End War. This pacific and inevitable struggle was undertaken in the reign of His Good and memorable Majesty King George V and it was the cause of nowadays and the end of History.
Causes of the Great War
The Great War was between Germany and America and was thus fought in Belgium, one of the chief causes being the murder of the Austrian Duke of Sarajevo by a murderer in Servia.
There were many other Causes of the Great War, such as
1. German Governesses, a wave of whom penetrated Kensington in King Edward's reign and openly said that Germany ought to be top nation, and
2. The Kaiser, who sent a telegram consisting entirely of ems to one of the memorable Boerwar leaders.(*)
These are now agreed to have been causes of the War though at the time the newspapers (rather conceitedly) declared that it was caused by a strip of paper.
(*)And, during a subsequent crisis, a panther to Agaçiers (a brutal act and quite contrary to the Haig Convention).
The War
The War lasted three years or the duration, the Americans being 100% victorious. At the beginning the Russians rendered great assistance to the American cause by lending their memorable steam-roller and by passing silently through England one Sunday morning before breakfast with snow on their boots. The Americans were also assisted by the Australians (AZTECS) and some Canadians, and 51 Highlanders.
The Peace to End Peace
Though there were several battles in the War, none were so terrible or costly as the Peace which was signed afterwards in the ever-memorable Chamber of Horrors at Versailles, and which was caused by the only memorable American statesmen, President Wilson and Col. White House, who insisted on a lot of Points, including
1. that England should be allowed to pay for the War: this was a Good Thing because it strengthened British (and even American) credit;
2. that the world should be made safe for democracy, i.e. anyone except pillion-riders, pedestrians, foreigners, natives, capitalists, communists, Jews, riffs, R.A.F.S., gun-men, policemen, peasants, pheasants, Chinese, etc.;
3. that there should be a great many more countries: this was a Bad Thing as it was the cause of increased geography;
4. the Freedom of the Seas: this was a Good Thing as it did not apply to Britain or America (or Switzerland);
5. that the Kaiser should be hanged: this was a Good Thing as it was abandoned, together with Mr Lloyd George, the Irish Question, etc.
CHAPTER 62
A Bad Thing
AMERICA was thus clearly top nation, and History came to a .
TEST PAPER V
Up to the End of History
1. Sketch vaguely, with some reference to the facts: (1) The Southsea Bubble, (2) The Ramillies Wig.
2. Would it have been a Good Thing if Wolfe had succeeded in writing Gray's Elegy instead of taking Quebec?
3. Analyse and distinguish between The Begums of Oudh. Would they have been deceived by the Banana ib?
4. `An Army marches on its stomach' (Napoleon). Illustrate and examine.
5. Account (loudly) for the success of Marshal Ney as a leader of horse.
6. `What a city to boot!' Who said this, Wellington or Blücher or Flora McNightingown?
7. Did anybody say `I know that no one can save this country and that nobody else can?' If not, who did say it?
8. Ruminate fearlessly on (1) Lord Cardigan, (2) Clapham. –
9. Do not attempt to remember what Mr Gladstone said in 1864 but account for the paramountcy of (1) Milk Puddings, (2) Bags, in his political career.
10. Comment Quietly on (a) Tariff Reform. (b) Mafeking Night. (c) The Western Front.
11. Refrain from commenting on The Albert Memorial, The September Massacres, The Dardanelles, The O.B.E., or any other subjects that you consider too numerous to mention. (The better the fewer.)
12. Write not more than two lines on The Career of Napoleon Buonaparte, or The Acquisition of our Indian Empire, or The Prime Ministers of England.
13. What price Glory?
N.B. Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
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Also available from Mandarin Humour Classics
H.M. BATEMAN The Man Who . . . and Other Drawings In the great tradition of English caricature, H.M. Bateman long delighted his audience with his ability to capture the absurd and the farcical in human behaviour. He excelled in the humorous expression of character through physical appearance, making a social commentary on the fashionable middle classes of his time with shrewd and crisp precision. But his name is particularly associated with the joke of the social solecism or gaffe ? the famous `Man Who . . .' series. His gleefully drawn drama of that awkward moment of social incompetence that every Englishman who has a horror of making a fool of himself dreads is, with the other cartoons in this collection, still excruciatingly funny today. –
HENRY ROOT The Complete Henry Root Letters `Henry Root is an eccentric, retired wet fish merchant who writes to all the most eminent people in Britain, sometimes enclosing £1 or even £5 to ensure an answer, always in a friendly , enthusiastic manner, expounding his lunatic right wing opinions and enlisting their support for various dubious proposals. He represents himself as being a man of considerable wealth, although never very convincingly, a friend of Sir James Goldsmith, of the Director of Public Prosecutions, Michael Grade, the Chief Constable of Greater Manchester and anybody else who has been so unwise as to answer one of his letters. The book consists of these letters and the replies he received. As I say, it is one of the funniest books I have ever read, and gives a truer picture of contemporary Britain ? especially official Britain ? than a thousand novels could.' (Auberon Waugh)
The Complete Henry Root Letters brings together for the first time within a single volume the two classic books, The Henry Root Letters and The Further Letters of Henry Root. –
JAMES THURBER Let Your Mind Alone! The Middle-Aged Man on the Flying Trapeze My World and Welcome to It! Collecting Himself
Born in 1894, James Thurber made his name working for the New Yorker in the 1930s. He became one of the great comic essayists of this century, changing the face of humour in his lifetime. Here are four collections of essays, short pieces and stories, all accompanied by the author's famously bizarre drawings. Thurber's view of the world was unique; these volumes present its splendid range and variety.
`When I was fourteen or fifteen my older brother gave me a copy of Let Your Mind Alone! and I discovered Thurber. I was delighted to find there was someone else in the world who was as confused about Life as I was ... In a world that is getting crazier every day, I think the best way to stay sane is to read (and re-read) Thurber.' (Mel Caiman) A Selected List of Humour Classic Titles Available from Mandarin
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[snip – kkh]
Mandarin Humour Classics
H.M. Bateman THE MAN WHO...AND OTHER DRAWINGS
Alan Bennett, Peter Cook, Jon
athan Miller and Dudley Moore THE COMPLETE BEYOND THE FRINGE
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore THE DAGENHAM DIALOGUES
Noël Coward THE LYRICS OF NOËL COWARD
A.P. Herbert UNCOMMON LAW, MORE UNCOMMON LAW
Tom Lehrer TOO MANY SONGS BY TOM LEHRER (WITH NOT ENOUGH DRAWINGS BY RONALD SEARLE)
Frank Muir and Denis Norden THE UTTERLY ULTIMATE `MY WORD!' COLLECTION
Ogden Nash CANDY IS DANDY
S.J. Perelman THE MOST OF S.J. PERELMAN
Henry Root THE COMPLETE HENRY ROOT LETTERS
W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman AND NOW ALL THIS
James Thurber
LET YOUR MIND ALONE!
THE MIDDLE-AGED MAN ON THE FLYING TRAPEZE
MY WORLD AND WELCOME TO IT
FABLES FOR OUR TIME
FURTHER FABLES FOR OUR TIME
COLLECTING HIMSELF