“I don’t know the answer to either of those questions. All he told me was he was leaving for a while and he wasn’t going to finish senior class here.”
“Does this have anything to do with that Merc that was parked in his driveway the other day?” I’d noticed a flashy black Merc of some type at Devin’s house all afternoon, and it wasn’t the first time either. Shortly after it had arrived, Devin had gone storming off in his truck, but I hadn’t really thought anything of it. Devin not storming off in his truck would raise more suspicion these days.
He shrugs, and that incenses me. “Drive me home.”
He sighs. “Come back inside, Lina. There’s nothing you can do about it now. He’s gone already.”
Tears prick my eyes. “And it’s your fault I didn’t get to say goodbye!”
His eyes burn with indignation as he stalks to his Jeep, yanking the door open. “Fine. I’ll drive you back, but I’m not staying.”
“I don’t want you to.” I sulk the entire ride, and we don’t say another word to each other.
I slam the Jeep door shut with more force than necessary, running toward Devin’s house. I thump on the door, and Lucas opens it a few minutes later. “Come in. We’ve been expecting you.”
I trail him into the kitchen, and Cameron looks up, nodding solemnly at me. He’s dressed in grubby overalls and he has a paintbrush in hand. The walls are now a fresh, buttery cream color, and the difference it makes to the room is unreal. He’s currently painting the rickety kitchen cupboards a soft blue color that works well against the yellowy-cream.
But I’m not here to discuss interior décor. “Where is he?”
Cameron nods at Lucas and he quietly leaves the room. Carefully placing the brush on top of the open can of paint, Cameron removes his gloves and washes his hands in the sink. “Would you like something to drink?” he asks over his shoulder.
“This isn’t a social visit,” I spit out.
“Take a seat.” He pulls a chair out for me, blatantly ignoring my little outburst. “And I’ll explain as best I can.”
I huff, dropping into the chair and scowling as I cross my arms over my chest. His lips twitch at the corners, and that only infuriates me even more. “I’m glad you think this’s funny because you’re the only one.” My voice wobbles at the end as tears prick my eyes. God, I’m such a girl. I hate how much I’ve been crying lately. Before these last six months, I can count the amount of times I’ve cried in the last ten years on one hand. But lately, all I seem to do is burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and I hate how weak I’ve become.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I know you’re upset and it’s understandable, but this is the last thing Devin would want. He needs to get his head together, Ange, and he can’t do that here, so he’s gone to stay with family for a while.”
“What family?” My brows knit together. Dev’s mom was an only child and both her parents died when the boys were small, and their dad’s sole living relative is a brother whom he lost contact with years ago. There is no one.
“Our uncle’s resurfaced, and Dev’s gone to stay with him.”
I’m guessing that’s who the fancy pants car belonged to. “For how long?”
“As long as he needs.”
I don’t like the sound of that. “I can’t believe he left without saying goodbye.”
“Ange, that would’ve killed him. You mean more to him than anyone.”
“Here,” Lucas says, reappearing in the kitchen with a large brown box. He plonks it unceremoniously on the table. “He left this for you.”
I stand up, inspecting the contents. It’s all the stuff I threw at him that night months ago when I was in a fit of rage. I pull his well-worn T-shirt from the pile, bringing it to my nose and inhaling deeply. His brothers share a knowing look, but I don’t care how much of a sap they think I am. “If you’re talking to him will you tell him … never mind.” I pick up the box, but Lucas takes it from me.
“I’ll carry it.”
“Thanks.”
After Lucas has deposited it in my bedroom, he leaves, and I quietly start unpacking the items and putting them back in their rightful place. I take off my clothes, and pull on Dev’s shirt. His scent swirls around me, painfully reminding me of all I’m missing. I place the newly-reframed drawing of me on my bedside table, committing Dev’s words to memory. There’s a silver-wrapped package at the bottom of the box that’s new. Ignoring the nervous fluttering in my chest, I open it with shaky fingers. My eyes well up again at the delicate silver locket. The front of it is etched with the same infinity drawing that’s on my wrist. On the back are two simple words: Never forget. Tears leak out of my eyes as I clasp it around my neck. Grabbing the framed picture, I crawl into bed, pulling the comforter up over me as I curl into a fetal position, clutching the drawing to my chest.
Why did I forget when he asked me to remember?
Why did I abandon him when he clearly needed my friendship the most?
Why did I let my feelings rob me of one of my best friends?
Why weren’t my eyes open? Why didn’t I see what was in front of me?
So many questions. So few answers.
Devin tried to explain, to apologize, so many times, but I just kept pushing him away.
I allowed hurt and envy to consume me. Allowed Ayden to keep him from me.
And now I’m paying the ultimate price.
Because Devin is gone.
And I don’t know if he’s ever coming back.
And the pain in my heart is worse than anything I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life.
I may just have lost the love of my life.
And the only person to blame is myself.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The night Devin left, I sent him my first text.
I hate that you left without saying goodbye, but I understand. Take whatever time you need, but come back. Please come back. I love you. I’ll never forget.
When it didn’t bounce back undelivered, I started texting him every day. I don’t know if he’s reading them, but every day, the first thing I do when I wake in the morning is reach for my cell, closing my eyes and silently praying he’s replied.
He never does.
But I still send them, hoping that he’s reading them and he knows he’s in my thoughts. Ayden refuses to speak to me about him, and it seems I’m not the only one spiraling into a pit of depression. I wear the locket every day, but I always conceal it under my clothes. I know Ayd wouldn’t appreciate the gesture, so I never mentioned it. The fact I’m wearing Devin’s chain while I’m going out with Ayden doesn’t sit well with me, but I carry the guilt rather than not wear it.
Not sure what that says about me.
Ayden grows more and more dejected by the day, and I can’t remember a time we were ever this distant from one another.
Prom comes and goes, and I leave early, sobbing into my pillow instead of spending the night with Ayden in the hotel room he reserved. I don’t think he was surprised or overly upset when I asked him to take me home instead. All week, I’d been hoping and praying Dev would make an appearance, but he was a no-show.
Tucked up in bed, crying that night, I’d sent him another text. I know he’s trying to get his life back on track, and I don’t want to upset him, so I deliberately shielded the full extent of my heartache.
I missed you tonight. Prom wasn’t the same without you, and I was thinking of you, like I always am. I love you. I’ll never forget.
My eighteenth birthday arrives, and still there’s no word from him.
I send him a birthday text on the day of his eighteenth, and still nada, zip, zilch. Not a squeak from him. It’s as if he’s disappeared off the face of the planet.
We graduate, and school ends, and the start of a long summer commences. Ayden takes over Devin’s job at the gas station, an
d I’ve taken on more shifts at the diner. While the college fund that was set up at the time of my parents’ divorce provides adequately for me, I want to save as much money as possible so Mom doesn’t ever feel like she needs to supplement my income.
I’m still sending texts to Devin, although they’re less regular. It’s hard to hold onto hope when I’m getting nothing in return. I pester Cameron weekly for updates, but it’s always the same: he won’t tell me where he is or when he’s planning on coming back, if at all. All he’s said is that Devin is feeling better and the move has been good for him. Once a month, a chauffeur-driven car arrives to collect Cam and Lucas, and they disappear for the weekend. I’ve thought of begging to go with, but, thankfully, I still have some self-respect, and I’ve managed to stop myself from sinking so low.
The weeks go by, and finally we’re into August and the thick of college preparations. We’re leaving in ten days, and I’ve gotten the day off work to spend with Mariah. A letter recently arrived, confirming we’re sharing a dorm room together, so we’re shopping for our impending move. Honestly, it’s the first thing that’s excited me in months.
“Do you think Cody and Ayden would like this for their room?” She holds up a black and gold patterned rug in the colors of the Iowa Hawkeyes. It’s even emblazoned with a gaudy tiger-hawk emblem.
I snatch it out of her hands, putting it back on the shelf. “That’s hideous. They’d hate it.”
She pouts, and I playfully nudge her in the ribs. “Stop that. You know I’m right. You’d only be wasting your money. Besides, they could’ve come with if they wanted.”
She snorts, running her fingers over a pretty pink and purple floral-patterned set of bed covers. “They’re typical boys. Too lazy to bother. No doubt they’ll rope their moms into getting what they need.”
“No doubt.” I dump a couple of items into my basket. “Ayden has shown zero interest in college. I don’t understand it. I can’t wait.”
We pay for our items and drop the bags off in the car before crossing the road to the little coffee place on the corner.
We order muffins and lattes and take a seat in the far corner. “How are things with you and him? You both seemed quiet the other night.” We’d gone for dinner and a movie with Cody and Mariah, and they carried the conversation the entire night.
I chew on the inside of my mouth. “Honestly, I think we were better just as friends. Now, it’s like we’re barely friends who sometimes kiss and very occasionally have sex. He’s so closed off, and he won’t tell me why.” The waitress places plates and mugs on the table, and I wait until she’s left to resume talking. “I think it must be me. That’s he’s uncomfortable in our relationship too.”
She shakes her head. “You can’t jump to conclusions. I’m betting it’s not you. Cody has mentioned Ayden is very distracted these last few months. I’ve wondered if it’s tied up with Devin. You three were so close for years. You’re not the only one to lose a best friend, and I bet you’re not the only one who’s missing him either.”
“He never wants to talk about him.”
She props her chin in her hands. “I think that’s your answer. Things will be better when you get to college. It’s a new environment, and neither of you will be surrounded by things that remind you of him.”
“Except that our plan was always for the three of us to attend UI together.”
“You can’t let him hold you back anymore, Ange. Devin is gone, and it’s looking like he’s not coming back. He’s moved on, and you need to too. I’ve said nothing, because I know how you feel about him, but you’ve kinda moped around all summer, and you’ve got to put it behind you. You have a life to lead. You have a mom who loves you, a boyfriend who loves you, and I love you. I want to see my friend with a big, happy smile on her face again.”
I reach across the table the same time she does, and we clasp hands. “I have been a big Debbie Downer again, haven’t I?”
“Pretty much, so what are you going to do about it?” she challenges.
“College is a fresh start, and I’m going to make the most of it. I am really looking forward to it except”—air whooshes out of my mouth, and a caustic pain lances my heart in two—“I think I’m going to have to break up with Ayden, but I’m terrified I’m going to lose him as a friend. I couldn’t bear that. I couldn’t bear to lose him too.”
“Do you want my advice?”
I smile. “Always.”
“I wouldn’t be too hasty. Why not wait until you get to college? That could be what you both need to get back on the right track. Ayden loves you, Ange. I see it every time he looks at you.”
“I know that, M. And I love him too, but I’m not sure it’s the right kind of love. Besides, it doesn’t feel right that I’m still pining for Dev when I’m with Ayden. It feels like a betrayal, and he deserves better than that.”
“You don’t have to make any hard and fast decisions now.”
“No, I suppose I don’t.”
“Need any help?” Mom asks, propping her hip against the doorframe.
“Nope.” I zip my case. “I’m all packed.” I scan my shell of a room, and it looks cold and impersonal without all my possessions in place.
Mom rushes me, sweeping me into a mammoth hug. “I’m so proud and so excited for you. You’ve always wanted to be a psychologist, and now your journey is starting.” She squeezes me. “But I’m going to miss you so much, kiddo.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Mom. But I’m not that far away, and I’ll come home every second weekend like I promised.”
She sniffs, and her eyes are red-rimmed and glossy when she pulls back. “You make sure you do, missy.” She tweaks my nose. “Did you talk to Ayden last night?” she delicately asks.
I frown, shaking my head. “He didn’t answer any of my calls, and I was too afraid to drop over.” I don’t know what went down at the Carters last night, but we heard raised voices, shouting, and doors slamming. Prickles of unease dance across my skin, as they have done since I overhead the ruckus at his house.
The thud of approaching footsteps on the stairs captures our attention. Mom’s brows lift, and she eases out of my embrace when Ayden appears in the doorway. “Am I interrupting?”
“Not at all.” Mom pats his elbow, smiling, as she squeezes past him. “She’s all packed and ready.” I can tell how difficult it is for her to sound happy about that fact.
Ayden scratches the back of his head, averting his eyes, and pressure settles on my chest. Mom shoots me a concerned look and I shoo her away with my eyes. Taking his hand, I pull him into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. “We heard all the commotion last night, and I tried calling you, like, a hundred times, to find out if you were all right.”
He drops down onto the bed, and I sit down beside him. He rests his elbows on his knees and leans his face on his chin. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I was too fucking pissed, and I didn’t want to tell you until I was calmer.”
My stomach lurches to my toes. “Tell me what?”
He sucks in a long breath, straightening his spine before twisting around to face me. Reaching out, he takes my hands in his. He brings them to his mouth, tenderly kissing the tips of my fingers. “You know I love you, right?” I gulp over the wedge of alarm in my throat, nodding. “You know you mean so much to me, and that I’d do just about anything for you, but the time has come where I need to put myself first.”
Oh my God. He’s breaking up with me? Even though I’ve thought the same thing several times over the last couple months, now that we’re in the moment, I don’t want this. I can’t lose Ayden.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” he rushes to reassure me, before frowning. “Or maybe it is.” His eyes crinkle with worry. “I—”
“Just say it,” I cut in, needing this to be over.
“I know this is going to come as a s
hock, and I’m sorry it’s all so last minute, but I thought it was for the best.”
My knee starts tapping up and down, and I think I might throttle him if he doesn’t spit the words out.
“I’m not going to UI. I’ve notified the college, and I’ve given up the full ride.”
My eyes widen. I was not expecting that. “What?” I splutter. “Why the hell not? Why would you do that?” We’ve been planning this virtually our whole lives, and I don’t understand. I don’t have a freaking clue why he’s changed his mind.
He wets his lips. “I don’t want to play college ball. I’ve known for years that my heart wasn’t in it. It’s my dad’s dream, not mine, and he can’t live vicariously through me anymore. It’s killing me, Lina.”
“That’s what’s been going on with you?” He nods. “Why wouldn’t you talk to me about this? I thought it was me! I thought I was making you miserable and you were too afraid to break up with me.”
“I’m sorry I made you feel like that, but I couldn’t tell you. It was my burden to bear. My secret to carry.”
I hop up, anger rushing to the surface. “That is a fucking cop-out, and you know it. Couples tell each other this stuff! Friends tell each other this stuff! Does anyone know? Did you talk to anyone about this?”
He stands up, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I know you’re mad, and you’ve every right to be. I didn’t tell anyone until that letter came from the college about the dorms, and then I told Cody, because he needed advance notice to secure a new roomie.”
I throw my hands into the air. “Great, so Cody and Mariah knew? And they were keeping it from me too?”
He shakes his head. “Mariah doesn’t know. I made Cody swear because I knew there was no way in hell she’d keep that to herself.”
I cross my arms over my chest, my head spinning. “If you’re not going to UI, then where are you going? What are you planning to do?”
“I’ve joined the marines.”
My jaw slackens. “You did what?” If he told me he joined the Bolshoi Ballet I wouldn’t have been any more surprised.
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