“Cam pulled some strings, and he got me in. After training, I’m being deployed overseas for an initial stint.”
I drop to the ground on my butt, barely feeling the sharp pain skittering up my spine. Tears prick my eyes. “You’re leaving me too?”
And, yes, the prize for most selfish goes to me.
He winces. “Never. I’ll always be with you even if I’m not physically present.”
“You promised you’d always be there for me,” I whisper, looking at him as reality gives me a swift kick in the rear. “You promised, and now you’re leaving as well.” I choke on an anguished sob.
He sinks to his knees in front of me, pulling me into his warm chest. I should resist but I’m numb. “Lina, I’m sorry you’re hurt. You’re the last person I want to upset, but I need to do this for me. I need to … find who I really am, and I can’t do that here under Dad’s constant shadow. I have to break free.”
The numbness spreads, infecting every part of me. My voice sounds eerily calm as I ask the next question. “When do you leave?”
He cups my face, tilting my head up to him. His lips collide with mine in a fierce, desperate kiss. I can’t summon the effort to kiss him back. I’m too distraught. Resting his forehead on mine, he breaths heavily as tears course down his face. “I’m leaving in an hour.”
I say nothing, do nothing, and it’s like we’re frozen in time. Emotions churn inside me, panic mixing with pain and fear and a huge bucket load of disappointment. Then rage does a number on me, and the blank, empty feeling is replaced by soul-deep anger. I don’t know the boy cradling me in his arms. The boy I’ve known since I was two years old has lied to me for months. Am I such a lousy confidante that he couldn’t unburden his secret to me? I know I’m not. If he’d told me, I would’ve been shocked, but I would have listened and understood. There is no way I want Ayden to pursue something he has no interest in. If the marines are his true calling, then I would’ve supported him with that.
But he never gave me the chance.
I push him away, and he tumbles back onto his heels. “Get out.” I scramble away from him until my back hits the edge of my bed. “Go. Leave now.”
“Lina.” He starts to crawl toward me, but I stall him with a death glare.
“You wanted to leave, so leave.”
“Not like this, baby. Please. I don’t want to leave it like this. I love you.”
“I don’t care what you want. You’ve had months to talk to me. To tell me how you were feeling.” I glare at him. “God, how many times did I ask you what was wrong? I knew you were hurting, but you continually pushed me away. Maybe, if you’d explained, I’d understand, but you’ve just sprung all this on me.” I pin venom-filled eyes on him, and, in this moment, I hate him with a passion unrivalled. “You say you need to put yourself first, well, I need to do that too. You’ve broken my heart, Ayden,” I sob, losing control of my tenuous emotions. “You and Devin. The two people I entrusted it to without any fear have shattered me beyond recognition, and I’m the one who’s left alone to pick up the pieces. So, if I ask you to leave, I expect you to do that one last thing for me. I need you to leave now before I say or do something I’ll come to regret.”
Bending over, he presses a lingering kiss to my forehead, before standing up. I can’t even look at him. He pauses in the doorway, turning back around, but I continue to stare straight ahead.
“I love you, Lina, and this isn’t goodbye. Just goodbye for now.”
He walks out the door, leaving me broken beyond repair, sobbing on the floor of my bedroom.
PART II
Freshman Year of College
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
My squeal of delight filters down the phone line. “Have a fab time, Mom, and, remember, no putting out on the first date!” I hang up with her laughter ringing in my ears.
Mariah pushes her face in mine, excitement lighting up her eyes. “Your mom’s going on a date?”
I lie back on my bed, grinning. “Yep. Provided she still remembers what that entails. She hasn’t gone on a date in almost twenty years.”
“I’m happy for her.” She returns to the mirror to apply another layer of lip gloss.
“Me, too.” I prop up on my elbows. “Me leaving for college has given her a fresh start, and from the way she’s talking about Dr. Williams, I think she’s already half in love with him. I really hope it works out for her. I don’t like the thought of her being alone in the house on her own all the time.”
“You go home every other weekend.”
“I know, but it’s not the same.”
“Any word from Ayden?” She twists around to face me.
I shake my head. “Not since that letter last month. You know communication channels are abysmal in Afghanistan, and he doesn’t have much opportunity to keep in touch.”
“I still can’t believe he’s overseas and not here with us.”
Nearly three months later, I still can’t believe it myself, but life goes on, and I refuse to dwell on it, even if the status of our relationship is completely up in the air. I miss him a hell of a lot, and while I always knew I relied on him, the last few months have been a real eye opener. I leaned on Ayd a lot. Learning to be more independent has been good for me though. “I know. Me either.”
She looks at her watch. “We need to leave soon, so you should get ready.”
I glance down at my jeans and Hollister sweater. “Why can’t I go like this?”
She casts her eyes to the ceiling. “Because it’s a frat party and you need to look hot.” She drags me up by the elbow, gently shoving me into the bathroom. “Chop, chop. Get a move on.”
I emerge with a full face of makeup and my hair curled twenty minutes later. She claps her hands gleefully. “That’s much better.” She thrusts a little black dress at me. “Put that on, and I’ve left your shoes by your bed.”
I inspect the tiny garment in my hands. “You can’t even call that a dress,” I grumble.
“Stop bitching and moaning, and just put it on.” She plants her hands on her hips, slanting me her “I mean business” look. She’s wearing a cute black and silver dress and her hair is pinned messily on top of her head. “You look gorgeous. Cody won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”
She winks. “That’s the plan.”
“Yuck!” I make a face. “You two are so nauseating these days.”
“Because we’re finally free to have as much sex as we like, and it’s freaking awesome,” she gloats. Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “You’d know if you got back on the saddle.”
I shuck out of my jeans and sweater and shimmy the dress up over my hips. “Ayden is still my boyfriend, M,” I tell her for like the umpteenth time. I whirl around, holding my hair up, and she helps me close the zipper.
“In name only. He’s not here. You are, and you’re wasting your college experience. Besides, I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to be a nun.”
Maybe he doesn’t, but it’s not just about what he thinks. I’m not ready. Sinking onto the edge of the bed, I squeeze my feet into the stilettos. “We didn’t discuss our relationship that day, and neither one of us broke up with the other. You know I don’t want to have that conversation in a letter or over a rushed phone call where we can barely hear one another. I owe it to him to wait until he’s home, and then I’ll end things officially.”
“Then will you date?”
“Maybe.” I send her a defiant look. “Why are you so invested in my love life anyway?”
“Because I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” And I am, most of the time. I made a promise to myself as I drove with Cody and Mariah to campus that fateful day in August—that I was done wallowing in the past, and all the what ifs, and I was going to embrace college life—and I’ve stuck by it. It’s only in the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep
, when the pain in my heart cripples me, that I allow myself to indulge my grief. To remember my loss. To miss the two boys who mean the world to me.
I’ve still heard nothing from Devin, and I’ve given up texting him. I can’t promise myself I’ll move on and continue to cling to feeble hope. When I’m back home, I don’t even visit Cam for an update any more. Wherever Devin is, I hope he’s well and that he’s happy.
She sits down beside me, taking my hand. “I’m proud of you, you know.” I arch a brow, and she graces me with a smile. “For putting it aside and throwing yourself into college life, and, I guess I’m just so in love with my man and all sexed up, and I want that for you too. You’re gorgeous, Ange, and you have no shortage of admirers on campus.”
I stand up, smoothing a hand down the front of the minute dress. “I’m really happy you’re still so in love with Cody and he’s such a good guy, but you don’t need to worry about me. I’m happy with where my life is at, and I’m not ready to date. There is still too much unresolved emotion surrounding both of them, and I’d much rather focus on my studies and enjoy my ballet and art classes.”
“The odd steamy make-out sesh would be good though,” she persists. “You don’t want your lady parts to shrivel up and die.”
I roll my eyes again. “You’re relentless. Give it up. I’m not going there until I’ve properly ended things with Ayd, so you’re wasting your breath.”
She gets up, grabbing her purse and jacket, before looping her arm through mine. “Aw, look, it’s cool, I understand. You’re loyal to Ayden and I’m sure he’ll appreciate that. Don’t mind me.”
The party is kicking by the time we arrive, the bottom level of the frat house crammed with sweaty bodies. Music blares out from two large speakers in the main room, and a lively crowd dances energetically to the rhythmic beats. Mariah leads me out through the kitchen to a side room. The vibe is more chilled in here. Guys are huddled around two pool tables, drinking and chatting as they play. An energetic game of beer pong is taking place in the top corner of the room. Guys and girls sit cross-legged on the floor and clustered across the three massive leather couches propped against the walls. Music is on low in the background. Cody shoots up his arm, waving us over. He’s seated in one of the three leather recliners, game controller in hand. His buddy Jack hands us a couple of red cups. “Looking hot as fuck, ladies,” he proclaims with a wink.
“My girl always looks hot,” Cody says, without taking his eyes off the game.
Mariah leans in, kissing his cheek. “And my man’s sexy as fuck.”
A few of our friends arrive then, and we move over to the corner to chat. “Tyler Cooper is totally eye-fucking you right now,” Mariah exclaims at the top of her voice, a little while later, nudging me in the shoulder.
“Oh my God, tell the whole room, why don’t you.”
She sniggers, waggling her brows. “He’s hardly disguising it. Look.”
She starts pointing her finger in his direction, but I slap it back down. “Stop it,” I hiss. “I told you I’m not interested.”
“Okay, you need to chill out. Come on.” She yanks on my elbow. “Let’s hit the dance floor.” The rest of our group follows, and we make our way to the middle of the dancing crowd. My heart pounds in tune with the sultry beat as I let loose, swaying my hips and letting the music take control.
Prickles of awareness ghost over my skin, and I look around, scanning the room. Tyler is with a couple of his buddies, lounging against the side wall, his eyes fixated on me. His lips curve up when he spots me watching, and he blows me a kiss. How cheesy. I feel like gagging. A firm prod in my back almost sends me flying. “What the heck?” I turn and glare at the girls, wondering which one of them thinks she’s being helpful.
Mariah looks over my shoulder and grins. “He’s coming over.”
My head whips around, and I groan, slamming a hand to my forehead.
Mariah looks sideways and gasps, her eyes popping wide. “Holy shit!” she cusses. “I don’t believe it.” Before I can question her or see what’s captured her attention, Tyler lands in front of me, blocking my view. “You’re Angelina, right?” He blasts me with a devastating smile.
“Yes, and you’re Tyler.”
His grin expands. “You’ve heard of me.”
Hard not to notice when his eyes seem to follow me everywhere these days. He’s watched me from a distance the last few times we’ve been at the frat, but this is the first time he’s plucked up the courage to approach me. I’ve noticed him leaving every other party with a different girl on his arm, and even without the Ayden complication, I’ve no desire to be another notch on his bedpost.
“Would you like to dance or get a drink or even get out of here?” He turns his hand palm up in invitation, his eyes glinting suggestively.
I tuck my hair behind my ears, preparing to put Tyler firmly back in his box. “Actually, I—”
“She’s spoken for.” The deep masculine voice is low, the tone suffused with warning. Everything goes on high alert inside me. A warm hand lands on my arm, sending delicious tingles over my skin, and my knees buckle underneath me. His arm encircles my waist from behind, helping steady me. My lower lip is wobbling, and my heart is thudding wildly in my chest. Butterflies swarm my stomach, and every limb in my body is shaking uncontrollably.
“Who the fuck are you?” Tyler demands to know, his cocky, confident swagger replaced by a look of displeasure.
“Someone you don’t want to cross” is the reply.
I’m almost afraid to turn around, but that sentiment clashes with the surge of exhilaration replacing the blood flowing through my veins. I twist around, looking up, and our eyes meet. The room fades away as I stare into his crystal-clear sea-green eyes. He rakes his gaze over me from head to toe, and his eyes shine with a myriad of different emotions. I gasp, tears pumping out of my eyes as he gently cups my cheek. “I’ve missed you, baby doll,” Devin admits, his voice choked. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“Dev,” I whisper, clinging to his shirt, leaning into him to make sure he’s real. His arms wrap firmly around my lower back, and his hold is the only thing keeping me upright in the moment. Mariah has her hand over her mouth, and her eyes are bugging out of her head. My hands creep around Devin’s neck, and I press desperately against him. I’m afraid if I let go, that I’ll wake up. That it’ll all have been a dream. “You’re here,” I stupidly say.
He nods, drilling into my eyes in that intense way of his, and I get lost in the hypnotic lull of his gaze. He looks so good. His hair is shorn really tight at the sides and the back but still longer on top. Strands fall forward into his gorgeous eyes, framed by the ever-present thick jet-black lashes. His skin is smooth and flawless, his lips full and pink, and he radiates health. “How are you here?” I ask, trailing my fingers across the hair at the back of his neck.
He strengthens his grip on my back. “It’s a long story.” Glancing up, he notices the curious faces surrounding us. Tyler and his crew have disappeared, thank God. “Can we get out of here? Go somewhere to talk privately?” he asks, taking my hand.
“Sure.” I smile, and his answering smile melts my heart. He squeezes my hand, and my heart is fit to burst.
“Devin, dude. Is that you?” Cody asks, materializing in front of us with shock splayed across his face.
“Hey, man. Good to see ya.” They touch knuckles. “Ange and I are gonna split, but let’s catch up this weekend,” he suggests.
“Cool.” Cody reels Mariah in to his side.
“Hey, Mariah.” Dev greets my friend for the first time. “You look good.”
“Holy shit, Devin. Way to make an entrance.” She grins, leaning in to give him a quick hug. “And you look good, too.”
“Thanks. We’re out of here, but we’ll see you guys later.”
He places his
hand on my lower back as he guides me out of the frat house. I shiver in the cold night air, remembering I left my stuff in the house. I spin around, prepared to go back inside, but he holds out my purse and jacket, a smirk twisting the corners of his mouth. “How did you …” I shake my head. “Never mind.”
He takes my hand in his again. “Text Mariah and tell her to stay at Cody’s place tonight. I’ve a lot to tell you, and I don’t want to be interrupted.”
I tap out a quick text as Devin leads me to a nearby parking bay. Opening the passenger side of a sleek, brand new black SUV, he helps me inside before jogging around to the driver side. “Is this yours?”
He nods, switching the engine on. “I’ve tons to catch you up on. You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
His grin is out in full force as he eases the car out onto the road. “I’ve never known any girl to share your appetite and banging curves.”
“Thank you, I think.”
His grin magnifies. “And look at you, all graceful in the face of a compliment.”
I shove him playfully. “Maybe I’ve changed.”
His expression turns reflective. “I think we all have.”
When he joins the line at the drive through, he engages the handbrake, and turns to face me. There’s an anxious look on his face, and he swallows hard. “Be honest. Are you mad at me?”
“I don’t know yet,” I admit truthfully. “I should be, but I’m too freaking happy to summon anger.”
He places his hand atop mine. “I’m so happy to be here with you. It’s all that’s kept me going for months.”
I want to quiz him instantly, but I hold my tongue. He places our order and shortly after we’re on our way with a piping hot bag of greasy goodness nestled in my lap.
My brows knit together as he pulls up in front of the residence hall Mariah and I call home. “How did you know I lived here?” I ask, because I hadn’t given him directions.
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