“That was everything to do with the delicious food you cooked and the stunning company. I was always trying to delay the time when I had to leave,” Devin replies with a cheeky wink, staring in my direction as he stacks plates atop one another.
Mom smiles warmly at me. “I’m glad to see you doing so well, Devin. Angelina tells me you’re majoring in criminology, law, and justice, and taking art classes, and that you’ve stopped drinking. Your mom would be so proud.”
“That she would,” Jim adds, smiling sadly.
Devin clears his throat. “I’ve never had a chance to thank you, Natalie. For everything you did for me and Luc.” He bends down, hugging her. Tears well in my eyes. He whispers something in her ear, and Mom stands up, hugging him properly. She returns his whisper, tears pricking her own eyes.
I look away, not wishing to intrude on their intimate moment, happy that Dev seems so content and secure in himself.
“Want to stargaze with me?” he asks a few hours later, his eyes twinkling in expectation. A yawn slips out of my mouth as the movie credits roll on the screen. Jim is busy chatting to Mom and Jon, Luc has gone out with his buddies, and Cam has left to meet up with the girl he’s currently dating, leaving Dev and me to our own devices.
I take his offered hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet. “We’re going out on the balcony,” I tell Mom.
“Grab a couple of blankets,” she calls out. “The temperature’s due to drop significantly tonight.”
We’re out on the balcony, sitting on bean bags, wrapped up warmly as we stare up at the inky-black canvas in the sky. A light smattering of stars streak across the dark skyline. I’m sipping on my glass of red wine, and Dev’s drinking a soda. “This is the first Thanksgiving night in years that I haven’t been wasted,” he admits, taking my free hand in his.
“Do you miss it?” I look at our conjoined hands, savoring the warmth passing from his body to mine.
He pauses considerably before replying. “Sometimes I could literally kill for a drink, but I don’t want to fall down a slippery slope. I don’t like the person I am when I drink, and maintaining my progress is more important than any temporary high. I was sick of partying and …”
He doesn’t need to say it. We both know what he means. Talk of partying and drinking and screwing only serves to remind me of this time last year. My heart aches in remembrance, and I look away, not wanting him to see the pain etched on my face.
He repositions his bean bag, wrapping his arms around me from behind and pulling me into his chest. “I hate that I hurt you,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Please tell me you know all that shit I said last year was just drunken talk.”
I shrug, still not looking at him. “Some people say the truth comes out when you’re drunk.”
He twists me around in his arms, forcing my face to his. “Maybe that’s true for some people, but not in this case. I didn’t mean any of those horrible things I said to you last year. Nothing could be further from the truth.” He cups my face. “I’ve messed up pretty bad with you, but our time hasn’t started yet.” He presses a feather-soft kiss to my forehead, and an embarrassing little whimper flies out of my mouth. Just that one touch has my body thrumming with need. Devin has always had this unerring power over my body. Whether it’s a subtle touch or one of his intense looks, he turns me into a mass of quivering cells any time he turns his attention on me. No one has ever affected me so potently.
He drags in a gulp of air. “I wanted you,” he whispers over my mouth. “I wanted to make love to you. I wanted to be your first, and I’ve kicked myself so many times for walking away, yet I can’t regret it either, because you deserved better than that version of me.”
I peer deep into his eyes, seeing so much emotion there. My heart is doing a funny little jump in my chest. “I wanted it to be you, but I can’t have any regrets either because that’s as good as implying I regret sharing the experience with Ayd.”
A pained expression darts across his face. “If it couldn’t be me, I’m glad it was him, even if thinking of it makes me want to swing for him, but I can’t fault him for being there for you when I wasn’t. I’m so sorry I let you down.”
I caress his cheek, talking softly. “We’ve got to stop doing this. Stop focusing on the past. We can’t change it and it only makes both of us sad. I want to focus on the here and now.”
“Not the future?” He arches an inquisitive brow, amusement flickering in his eyes.
“No. I live in the present now. The future is too unpredictable.”
His hands meander through my hair, and he cups the back of my neck in a firm grip. My hands land lightly on his waist. “I like the here and now,” he rasps. “There is nowhere in the entire galaxy I’d rather be in this moment than here with you.”
“Ditto. You’ll always be one of my all-time favorite people, Dev.”
He leans in, his lips brushing my cheek as his mouth makes a round trip to my ear. “What if I told you I want to be your most favorite person? The one you adore above everyone else?” His warm breath is doing strange things to my insides. My entire body is tingling, and my limbs feel like they’ve turned to rubber. He moves his hand up and down my spine, and a soothing warmth seeps bone deep. I clutch his waist harder, subconsciously moving closer until there’s barely a sliver of space between us. Every cell in my body screams for him, and I should pull back, withdraw from temptation, but I’m already under his spell.
He kisses my cheek again, and I melt into him. “What if I wanted that, Ange?” he prompts. “What would you say?”
I should refuse to answer. Throw out a lie and put a halt to this. But I can’t. “That you already are.” My heart is thumping wildly in my chest, and I can scarcely hear for the blood rushing through my ears. “That you always have been.”
He cups my face firmly, and fierce emotion blazes in his eyes. “I’ve wanted you to say that to me for a long time. I suspected, but I needed to know, because I’m a selfish, greedy bastard when it comes to you.”
“Dev, I—”
“Ssh,” he interrupts, sweeping his thumb along my lower lip, and the look in his eyes almost melts my panties off. My body sways forward, my craving for him reaching an unparalleled high. “This is the most supremely selfish act of all, but I can’t resist.”
“Resist what?” I croak out, my voice hoarse, raw with need. I’m holding my breath in anticipation. Every nerve ending in my body is on heightened alert.
He licks his lips, dropping his hungry eyes to my mouth. My body pulses with need, and I squirm a little, keeping my eyes locked on his, knowing the desire I see is mirrored on my own face.
“This,” he confirms, closing the gap between us and slanting his mouth over mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY
He kisses me softly and sweetly, bundling me in his arms and holding me close, like I’m precious cargo. I angle my head, kissing him back with more urgency, and his tongue runs over the seam of my lips, asking permission. I open for him, moaning as his tongue tangles with mine.
I’m on fire: every cell, every tissue, and every fiber of my being is sizzling. The innermost chambers of my heart and the deepest, darkest corners of my soul are bursting with joy, and I’m blissfully drowning in a sea of contentment. His touch awakens every part of me, reaching hidden depths, and, without a shadow of a doubt, I know that Devin has been created especially for me. He’s got to be, because he ignites sparks inside me, invokes feelings I’ve never felt before, and our bodies blend together perfectly. More than that, he’s been my best friend for years, and he knows me inside and out. We’ve always been in sync, and now I know it’s in every conceivable way.
He eases me down onto my back, covering my body with his. I lift my knee, opening my legs, and he settles between them. We both groan, gently grinding against one another as the kiss turns frenzied. Devin’s devouring my mouth, and
I moan loudly as he nips and bites at my lower lip. His hand skims over my body, caressing my curves, and I’m lost to sensation. The more he kisses me, the more I want to consume him. I claw at him, my hands exploring everywhere, wanting more, needing more, craving more, feeling so much, and yet not enough at the same time.
His hand slips under my top, and I gasp at the skin on skin contact. His mouth moves off mine, and he starts tracing a line of kisses down my neck, onto my collarbone and lower.
An image flashes in my mind, and it’s like cold water sluicing over my skin. I push his shoulders, and he lifts his chin up. His mouth is swollen, his pupils dark with lust. “Ayden,” I whisper, my voice choked with pain. “We can’t do this to Ayden.” I slide out from under him, scurrying over to the far side of the balcony, not trusting myself to be strong enough to do the right thing.
My breath is heaving in and out in exaggerated spurts, and my emotions are veering all over the place. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I draw measured breaths in an attempt to gain control of myself. Devin sits up, watching me carefully. We stare wordlessly at one another for several minutes until I feel composed enough to speak. “We shouldn’t have done that.”
“I can’t bring myself to regret it. Not when I’ve spent months, hell, years, wanting to kiss you like that.”
My eyes pop wide at his admission, and I wish I could push the agenda, but I can’t. Things are complicated enough between the three of us without making things worse. “We can’t do it again.”
He peers intensely into my eyes. “I’m going to fight him for you this time. He knows how I feel about you, and he didn’t hold back in taking what was mine.” He climbs to his feet. “I know you want to talk to him properly, and I can respect that. If you don’t want me to kiss you again, I won’t. But when he’s back, when it’s an even playing field, I’m going to fight with everything I’ve got. You belong with me. You always have, and I’m not giving up this time.”
Devin was true to his word. The rest of the time we were at home, we hung out, but there were no more kisses, no more touches, and he made an effort to keep a reasonable distance from me. I respect him for honoring the boundaries I’ve erected.
I’m the one who’s struggling to maintain them.
When we return to campus, life settles into a comfortable routine. I throw myself into my studies and spend a huge amount of my free time with Devin. We hang out with Mariah and Cody a lot, and it reminds me of old times. Good times. I switched art classes, and now Devin and I are in the same one. It’s only a hobby, for both of us, but I can’t help wishing he was pursing an art major instead of criminal justice. He’s so gifted, and it seems like such a waste of God-given talent.
We attend another frat party, and Devin scarcely leaves my side. He has no shortage of offers from willing girls, but he never once indulges. He is still abstaining from drink and drugs and anything that would jumpstart his hyper-addictive personality into play.
Ayden called again, but he refused to speak to Devin, and there’s a new layer to the underlying tension in existence during every call. As the days pass, the more assured I become of the decision I’ve made.
I miss Ayden. I really, really do.
But I don’t miss his arms or his lips or the feel of his body as it moves against mine.
My body doesn’t hum at the mere thought of him.
Not like it does every second I’m thinking about Devin, and don’t even get me started on how difficult it is not to jump his bones whenever we’re together. Some days, I physically sit on my hands to stop myself touching him.
I was never like that with Ayden.
It’s not a competition between them, but, the time apart has given me new insight into my relationship. Ayden and I have never really worked as a couple. Sure, there were moments at the start, but they were fleeting, and I wonder now if we were both hankering after something that just didn’t exist. Perhaps the divide with Devin forced both of us down a path we should never have taken.
I don’t want to disparage what we shared, and I won’t regret giving Ayden my virginity, but I wish we had stayed purely platonic.
Devin has said he’s prepared to fight for me, but I’m not quite sure exactly what that means. I hope it means we are finally on the same page, but he hasn’t come outright and said it. Nonetheless, I need to end my romance with Ayden before I can consider starting anything with Devin.
If he still wants me by then.
It’s three days until Christmas break and I’m walking through campus alone when I notice the flyer pinned to the lamp post. My mouth pulls into a wide smile as I scan the announcement. The college is holding an ice skating event at a nearby rink tomorrow, and I want to attend.
When we were younger, we used to go skating every winter on the little lake on the west end of Clear Lake with my grandpa Joe. Devin and I were naturals on the ice, and as the daredevils of our group, we liked to push the boundaries, trying various turns, spins, and jumps until we perfected some skills. Ayden, with his nervous disposition and inelegant gait, always stuck to simple maneuvers. He was constantly picking us up off the ice while my grandpa doubled over with laughter from the sidelines. I lost count of the amount of times I came home covered in bruises.
It’s been years since I’ve ice skated, but now that I’ve got my partner in crime back again, I can’t wait to relive my love affair with the ice. Tucking my hands into the pockets of my coat, I turn around, leaving campus and making my way toward Devin’s apartment. It’s only a ten-minute walk from the college, so it won’t take me long to get there. I’ve never actually been at his place. Devin’s a bit weird about it, although I met his roomie Danny at the last party, and he doesn’t seem like a freak or anything.
Danny and Devin. I chuckle to myself. With matching names, and their scorching-hot good looks, they belong in a boy band or modeling on the front cover of magazines.
I enter their building, bounding up the stairs to the third floor, bubbling with excitement. As I approach the right apartment door, Danny emerges, all wrapped up snuggly for the cold weather in a parka and thick woolen scarf. “Hey, Ange. What’s up? You looking for Dev?”
“Yeah. Is he here?”
“He’s just stepped out. We needed a few things at the store, but he should be back shortly. I’m running late to meet my tutor, but you can wait, if you like.” He opens the door, gesturing me inside.
“You’re sure he won’t mind?” I’ve gotten the distinct impression that Devin doesn’t want me visiting him here. We always hang out at my place.
Danny’s eyes widen as if he’s just realized something. “Nah. Course he won’t. Make yourself at home. Explore.” He enunciates the word, his eyes dancing with merriment, and a tinge of apprehension creeps up my spine as I step foot over the threshold.
The door shuts behind me, and I stand awkwardly in the middle of their living space. It’s a large, bright, airy room and a total mancave. A ginormous three-seater black leather couch rests in front of the bay window. The small coffee table houses a multitude of men’s magazines. Two black leather recliners face a large TV, and there’s a game console and a myriad of gaming equipment on the floor underneath the TV. Posters of topless girls hang on the walls, and I roll my eyes. How cliché. The small kitchen and dining area is neat and tidy, and I know that’s pure Devin.
A corridor leads to two bedrooms and a bathroom. I poke my head into the rooms—Danny said I could nose around so I don’t feel too guilty. I know I’ve found Devin’s bedroom the instant I open the door. I stand rooted to the hardwood floor in shock as the door swings fully open, exposing what Devin clearly didn’t want me to see.
Danny knows it too. The little sneak.
I walk into the room slowly, my eyes bugging out of my head. Every spare inch of wall is covered.
With pictures and photos of me.
It’s like a shrine, and I do
n’t know what to make of it. My fingers trace over Devin’s drawings. There are so many of them! He’s signed and dated them all and they span years. He’s captured me in all manner of poses and activities. Playing baseball with Ayden in my backyard. Swinging off the trees in the woods near our hideout. Sunbathing on the wooden deck out by the lake. Throwing snowballs with Mom on the road outside our house one Christmas. He’s even drawn my ballet recitals, capturing me mid-flow during school plays, and racing around the running track at school, trailing my classmates like the slowpoke I am.
Devin always had a pad in hand when we were younger. He was always drawing, but he rarely showed us his work, and after a while Ayden and I gave up asking.
Now I know what he was doing.
He was immortalizing me on canvas, and I. Had. No. Idea.
Tears cascade down my cheeks as I walk around the room, my fingers tracing the drawings, my eyes struggling to take it all in. An errant sob slips out of my mouth as I zone in on the photos of me at prom. These ones aren’t drawings. They are actual photographs, clearly taken at the event. Either someone took them and sent them to him or … he was actually there.
I drop to the ground on my butt, surrounded by evidence of Devin’s love. Some might call it obsession.
I’m calling it a miracle.
How many nights did I cry myself to sleep begging God to make him love me? Wishing it was me he was kissing and taking to his bed and not some skank he picked up at a party.
More nights than I care to admit.
Now I’m in the midst of the confirmation my heart has sought.
And I’m confused.
Or scared.
Probably a bit of both.
I don’t know what to do with this knowledge, and he was keeping it from me for a reason.
Do I let him know I know or keep quiet about it?
One part of me wants to fling myself into his arms and never let go.
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