Christmas In Montana (Treasures of The Rockies)

by Eason, Mary

  Jase couldn’t think of a single thing to say in answer. He’d never once considered himself the best thing to happen to anyone.

  “You know, if you ever need to talk I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener.”

  Jase shifted in his chair so that he could look the pastor in the eye. His answer just as discouraging as anything the old Jase would have loved. “What makes you think I have anything that needs discussing? Frankly, padre, I don’t think I’m the type of material God’s looking for.”

  Ray didn’t shy away from Jase’s cold demeanor. “I’ve been praying for you for a long time, Jase. Maudie asked me to in the beginning, but then I just thought, Ray, God’s put this man on your heart for a reason. When I saw you the night in the hospital, I understood why. God loves you and wants to forgive you, Jase. Whether or not you accept that forgiveness is up to you. To do that, you need to forgive yourself. The question is can you forgive yourself. That’s the first part in believing you’re good enough for God’s love.”

  Jase couldn’t come up with a single thing smart retort. He hadn’t felt good enough for anyone's love in such a long time, certainly not God’s.

  “Ah, there she is.” Jase followed the pastor’s line of sight. Cara was coming their way.

  “She needs you. She may never admit it, but she needs your strength, Jase. Help her.”

  Jase’s gaze jerked back to Ray. There was sympathy in the pastor’s expression, and it shook Jase. “How can I help anyone? I can’t even help myself.”

  The pastor patted his shoulder and stood. “There’s only one way. Pray. Ask God to help you both. Then listen when He answers. He is the God of second chances, after all.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Sorry about that. I hope it wasn’t too painful.” Cara broke the silence that had lapsed between them as they drove back to her house. They hadn’t talked about...anything. Nothing had been resolved, and she couldn’t have felt more forlorn.

  Jase glanced her way. He’d been awfully quiet since she found him talking to the pastor. “It was nice.”

  That wasn’t the answer she’d been expecting. “I’m glad you came with me.”

  He reached over and caught her hand, a hint of a smile lifting the corners of his lips. “Me, too.”

  Jase parked behind the Jeep and shifted to look at her. Suddenly, the truck seemed far too small. She needed to be alone to think. She reached for the door handle and opened it. When Jase got out as well, her uneasiness increased.

  “You know, you don’t have to walk me to the door.” Cara turned to face him, hoping her attempt at humor masked her nerves.

  Jase reached into the truck’s bed and retrieved his tools. “I should take care of the window while I’m here. Before the cold weather sets in.”

  Of course, the window. She’d completely forgotten about the reason he’d stopped by today. She felt foolish.

  Cara unlocked the door, went inside, and waited as Jase did the same.

  He stopped only a few feet from the front door and let out a low whistle as he glanced around. “Wow. You’ve really improved the place.”

  All of her earlier tension melted away. She found herself smiling. “Thanks. It’s been very therapeutic.” She didn’t have to look at him to realize this wasn’t the right thing to say. “I meant, it’s helped being here remembering my aunt…”

  His expression had turned to stone. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I think I understand.” Jase headed for the kitchen. After a moment, she followed.

  “Jase, I meant what I said. I want us to be friends.”

  He dropped the tools next to the sink and faced her, his mouth twisted into what didn’t really pass for a smile. “I know you did, but I have to be honest with you. I don’t think I can be just your friend because, you see, that’s not all that I want.”

  She immediately regretted bringing up the subject. Maybe this wasn’t the right time to discuss their future. Would there ever be a good time?

  “Jase…”

  He came to her, and she froze. “You’re my wife, Cara. What do you want me to say? I want my wife back.”

  “Don’t…I can’t talk about that now.”

  Jase’s fingers stroked over her cheek. “Well, I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit into your plans, but I’m not going to lie to you. I won’t settle for being just your friend.”

  She stepped back. Pain and dreadful memories encased her heart in ice. “I’m sorry, Jase, but friendship is all that I have to offer right now. It’s all I can give you.”

  She saw the torment in his eyes. This wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

  He blew out a long sigh. “Will there ever come a time when you’ll listen to me and believe what I have to say to you? I didn’t marry you for the land. I don’t want a divorce. I love you. I’m willing to fight for you. For us.”

  Cara turned away, tears stinging her eyes. “This wasn’t a good idea. I think you should leave.”

  Jase went quiet for a moment, and then he turned her to face him. He was a man torn. “Okay, you win. Maybe you’re right. If we can find our friendship again, who knows, maybe we haven’t lost the love either. If you want us to be friends, I’ll be your friend. I’ll do whatever you want because I don’t want to lose you again.”

  You never lost me, Jase. I lost you. Long before, I realized the truth.

  She couldn’t say any of those things to him. Instead, they simply stared at each other for what felt like eternity.

  Jase broke the spell when he turned and went out to his truck. She thought he was gone for good. Cara stifled a sob before it could emerge. A few minutes later, Jase returned carrying the replacement window.

  He went to work removing the old one while Cara needed space. She left him to his work, went to her room, and changed into comfortable jeans and a warm sweater. There was a chill in the air that had nothing to do with the tension between them. Cara went over to the stove and lit one of the burners. One thing she hadn’t been able to fix was the draftiness of the house.

  “All finished. That should hold up well.” Jase spotted her next to the burner, warming her hands. “It is cold in here.” He went over to the door and stuck his hand next to the threshold. “And drafty. I’ll see if I can’t do something about that. If it’s this cold in November, the winter promises to be a bugger.”

  “You don’t have to do that. I’m working now. I can pay to have someone fix the leaks.”

  He started to say something, but appeared to think better of it. “How ‘bout we compromise? I’ll take care of the repairs, and you help me work on being a good friend. To be honest with you, I think I’ve forgotten.”

  *****

  He had forgotten how to be a friend. And not just to Cara. At times, he barely behaved civilly to Aiden, the man who’d stuck with him when no one else would. He’d practically run off Amanda, rejecting her help even when she refused his paycheck.

  “How about we take a walk? Grab some fresh air?” he blurted the words before he had the chance to consider their consequences.

  They’d spent most of a lazy afternoon, sitting at Maudie’s worn table, drinking coffee and talking. Not about important things like what happened to break them apart, or where their future lay, but about little things. Simple, tame things. Pre-marriage things.

  Cara stretched then took their coffee cups to the sink.

  “That sounds good. If you’re sure you’re up to it?” She caught him massaging his leg a couple of times. A habit he no longer was aware he possessed.

  “I’m fine. Don’t you start, too. Aiden’s a mother hen enough for the both of you.” She held up her hands. “Okay, I’ll grab my jacket.”

  He waited for her by the front door. The pasture behind Maudie’s place was dangerous ground for them. Buying it had ultimately led to the fight that caused Cara to run.

  That particular piece of land was one of the prettiest around. Shaded by hundred-year-old Ponderosa pines, this was where Jase had once pictured build
ing a home for Cara and himself. He thought about telling her about those old plans, but thought better of it.

  That was before. They weren’t there yet.

  He’d been patient during their talk. He hadn’t asked the questions he needed answering. He was trying to learn from his mistakes. Be deserving of God’s second chances and maybe Cara’s.

  Halfway across the pasture, the Cartwright Creek cut the property into two pieces. They found a shady spot next to the creek and a low-hanging branch to take a break. His injured leg had begun to hurt like the dickens. He stretched it out in front of him.

  “Are you okay?” Cara motioned to the leg in question.

  The concern in her eyes surprised Jase, but he liked it. He quirked a half-grin at her. “Yeah. Most days, the exercise does it good. Today isn’t one of them, I guess.”

  She looked at her hands, which she’d started clenching together. Until now, she’d been so relaxed it felt like PMD - pre-marriage disaster - days as he’d come to refer to those precious moments before their marriage dissolved into something ugly. Not anymore.

  “Were you drunk?”

  He’d barely caught the words over the noise of the creek. Not that it mattered. He knew the question would come eventually.

  God, if you want us to fix this thing, help me out here.

  He studied the creek he’d grown up fishing in. It never seemed to change. Always the same, always flowing.

  A little bit of tension flowed out of him as well. He looked up and straight into her eyes. “Yeah, I was. I’d been drinking most of the day in fact. I had too many drinks and then I got behind the wheel. The doctor said it was a miracle I didn’t die. But you know what, this,” he massaged his bum leg, “well, this saved my life. That accident was the best thing to happen to me. Without it, I’d probably be dead by now.”

  There were tears in her eyes. Her hand went to cover her trembling mouth and he tried to reassure her. “It’s okay. I didn’t tell you that to make you cry. I just wanted to be honest with you. I don’t want any more secrets between us.”

  “Why? Why’d you do it, Jase?”

  Because I lost everything when I lost you. “Because I didn’t want to live, I guess. I’d reached rock bottom. Most drunks have them. Some of the lucky ones survive. That accident was a turning point in my life. I started attending AA.” His gaze never left hers. “I haven’t had a drink since that night.”

  She lifted her face, studying him. He could see that his confession surprised her. “That’s great. I’m glad, I mean.”

  She was nervous. She didn’t know how to act with him. He hated that part of admitting his weakness. “Thanks. Me, too. I can’t say it’s been easy though. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t want to have a drink. In fact, most days, I crave it like my next breath.”

  She reached for his hand and squeezed it.

  He looked up as the late afternoon sky turned ugly. Clouds had gathered in the setting sun. A storm was on its way. For Jase, though, it didn’t matter if it poured. A weight lifted from his shoulders. He’d shared the ugly part of himself with her, and she hadn’t run away.

  “We should probably head back before the rain comes.” He nodded toward the western sky.

  Cara let go of his hand and waited for him to maneuver his stiffening leg into a standing position. Even if the skies weren’t evident of the approaching storm, his leg was. It never let him forget he was subject to the weather now.

  Their footsteps crunched over the dry pasture. Their conversation waned, but that didn’t matter. They’d broken through some unseen barrier today. They were learning how to trust each other again.

  He looked over at her. She was in the midst of some deep thoughts. He’d give just about anything to know them, but God was working in his heart. He was learning to be patient.

  Jase sidestepped a gopher hole and grabbed Cara’s arm, steering her clear of it as well. He knew every inch of this land by heart. It was in his blood, just as much as the demon that encouraged him to drink.

  Chapter Ten

  “She wants to be friends.” He’d gotten back home to find no less than five messages over the past few hours. All from Aiden.

  Jase had never been much on sharing his feelings even before Cara left and his world spiraled into a pit of despair that peaked the night he ended up in the hospital room and thought he might lose his leg. He’d barely been away from her more than a ten-minute drive back to the house, but all he wanted to do was go back to her and beg her to take him back.

  “Friends?” The skepticism in Aiden’s tone mirrored Jase’s own doubts. “You mean that’s all you guys talked about?”

  “No. She asked about the accident. If I’d been drinking.”

  Aiden let out a low whistle. “What’d you say?”

  “I told her the truth. That I was dead drunk and lucky to walk away with my life. I told her I’m an alcoholic.”

  “What’d she say?”

  “Not much. I think Cara’s always known the truth. Just didn’t want to face it like me.” Jase squeezed his eyes shut and grappled with a way to ask for help. “I don’t know what to do. I love her. I don’t want to lose her again.”

  “Then tell her the truth. All of it. Tell her about Maudie.”

  “I can’t. I won’t break Maudie’s trust. I made a promise. She deserved that much from me. Maudie was the only person who never gave up on me.” He stubbornly refused to break his promise to the woman he’d once considered like a mother. He wouldn’t let Maudie down.

  “I think she would understand. She’d want you to save your marriage.”

  He and Aiden had this same argument more times than Jase could remember. Aiden had begged him to go after Cara and tell her the truth. As much as he loved Cara, he wanted her to trust him and believe he loved her and her alone. She never had and that hurt like crazy.

  He’d thought when she first left that, after a few days’ time, she’d come back and he could explain everything and show her how much he loved her. It had thrown him when she’d had him served with divorce papers. He’d tried to talk to her about it, but she’d disappeared.

  “You know I can’t.”

  His answer didn't seem to surprise Aiden. Still, the weariness in Aiden’s sigh assured Jase that he’d hoped for more. “Okay. Well, maybe friends will be a good thing for both of you right now.”

  “Yeah, right,” Jase muttered. “You want to be friends with your wife?”

  “No way. She scares me too much. I just do what she tells me.”

  That at least made Jase grin. “Me, too.”

  “You want me to come over? I could bring some dinner. You didn’t eat much for lunch as I recall.”

  “Nah. I’ll be fine, and I didn’t eat much because your wife was talking my ear off.”

  Aiden laughed at that. “She’s worried about you.”

  “Uh-huh. She wanted to know what was going on.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Fran loves a good story almost as much as she loves fixing people.”

  “Well, tell her Cara and I are going to be friends. Maybe she can fix that.”

  *****

  “Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?” It had taken Cara most of the week before Thanksgiving to work up the nerve to make the call and ask Jase that question. His unusual silence had her wondering if perhaps she’d made a dreadful mistake by doing so.

  “Thanksgiving?” The word sounded foreign when he said it. Did he have plans? She hadn’t thought about the possibility. Her mind began to wander to dangerous places.

  She’d heard things. Gossip. Word round town was Rachel and her husband had split. Rachel had moved back to her parents’ old place south of town in the affluent section of Cartwright a few months before Cara came home.

  Did Jase know about Rachel’s separation? Had he seen Rachel? She was dying to ask but couldn’t work up the nerve.

  Cara shoved those disturbing thoughts aside. “It was just a suggestion. I mean, if you have other p
lans, then I understand. I just was thinking…”

  “Whoa, Cara.” It took her a minute to realize he was actually laughing. It had been too long since she’d heard him laugh. She’d forgotten how much she loved the way it sounded.

  “First of all, I don’t have any plans unless you count the obligatory invite from Aiden. And second, I’d love to spend Thanksgiving with you. If that’s what you were asking. And I hope it is.”

  She couldn’t help herself. She was actually grinning from ear to ear. “It is. I was thinking about all those times when Aunt Maudie used to fix those enormous meals at Thanksgiving. You know, I don’t think I’ve had a traditional Thanksgiving meal since she passed, and I really don’t want to spend this one alone. More importantly, I don’t want to spend it here. In her house. I’m just not ready for that yet.”

  Cara slapped her palm against her head and squeezed her eyes shut. Her confession sounded desperate. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “It’s okay. I know exactly what you meant. Why don’t you come over here and I’ll make us dinner?”

  She remembered those past times when he’d made them dinner and they’d eaten by candlelight. When he wanted to be, Jase was quite the romantic.

  “Why don’t we make it together? It could be fun.”

  She counted three breaths, each one growing more tense than the last, before he answered.

  “Okay. Sounds good. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll do the shopping, and you meet me over here for breakfast Thanksgiving morning. We’ll start cooking after we’ve had our coffee.”

  “It’s a deal. So why are you still home at,” she glanced at her watch, “almost eight o’clock?” She’d just polished off a bagel with cream cheese and a second cup of coffee. She was on her way out the door for work when she’d thrown caution to the wind and hoped for his answering machine. However, in cattlemen’s terms, the morning was half-over by that time.