A Heart's Forgiveness

by Joanne Schwehm

  “Si, they are wonderful. I spoke to my father, and I’ll be returning to Italia on Saturday.”

  I was sad about him leaving. Luca was a great distraction, and we’d become friends. “Okay. I’ll give you a ride to the airport.”

  “Are you sure?”

  His sweet voice made me smile. “Yes, I’m sure. Text me your information.”

  After I finished up my day at the office, I went home to relax with a nice glass of wine and a chick flick on the Hallmark Channel.

  Seeing Julie yesterday made me dread today more than I already had been. The need to tell her about my revelation about my night with Nikki plagued me, but that would have been selfish. I didn’t want to hurt her more just to ease my guilt.

  The summer air was blanketed in humidity, and the cabbie needed to replace the small paper pine tree hanging from the rearview mirror because the odor surrounding me was vile. I had him drop me off four blocks away from the club just to get out of his disgusting sedan.

  It didn’t help that I was exhausted. Nikki had called me the night before to ask me—no, tell me— I needed to go with her to her ultrasound appointment. She was seven months pregnant, and this was her final attempt to find out the sex of the baby. All I could remember was her saccharin voice saying on the phone, “Don’t you want to know if we’re having a boy or girl?” I’d missed the original ultrasound since I hadn’t answered the phone when Nikki called to tell me about it. Apparently, the baby was out of position that day, and the sex couldn’t be determined.

  All I wanted to know if it was my baby, but she refused to have the in-utero test because it could harm the fetus. Well, I didn’t want the baby hurt, but I needed to know if it was mine. Anytime I asked her about that night, she tried to make me feel like a louse.

  “Brett, we created a beautiful life. What if you’re having a son? Don’t you want to teach him things? You’ll be a great father.”

  It had been months and months of the same tactics. I knew she wanted me to be happy about this—and not many nights had passed without her trying to get me into bed—but I just didn’t feel the same way she did. Now I needed to go to her appointment, so I didn’t look like a screw-up in case the kid was mine.

  The air conditioning hit me as soon as I opened the club door. Thank God. I’d have sworn I was going to melt, and it wasn’t even noon yet. My white shirt stuck to my body, and I was happy I kept a change of clothes in my office.

  Alex was sitting at the bar, sipping a glass of water and going over inventory with Tyler. Alex looked at me as I plopped my ass on the stool next to him, and I asked Ty to grab me a beer.

  “A bit early, isn’t it, partner? You look like shit. Did you walk here?” Alex handed me a bar towel and swiveled to face me.

  Tyler slid a beer in front of me.

  “Thanks, man,” I said.

  Tyler nodded and went back to counting bottles.

  Alex waited for me to swallow a long draw off of my bottle. “So what gives?”

  I ran the towel over my face. “I didn’t walk the entire way here, but the damn cab reeked, so I got the hell out.” I took another swig and started peeling the label off the dark bottle. “I need some time off. Nikki has an ultrasound today, and I told her I’d go with her. I wish I knew if I was the father. What if I’m not and the real father isn’t there for this?” I looked up at the luckiest guy I knew.

  Alex nodded. “I get it. Yes, whatever you need. So she still won’t have the paternity test?”

  “Nope. She said it could be damaging and will stress her out, which wasn’t good for the baby.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what to do. My head isn’t in the game, and if this baby is mine, it isn’t fair.” I drained my beer. “I don’t know, man. I still can’t get Julie out of my head.” I pulled the rest of the label off before Tyler replaced the bottle with a fresh one. I nodded in appreciation and took a swig.

  “You want me to have the kitchen make you something to eat, or are you on a barley and hops diet today?” Alex asked. “You don’t want to go to the appointment buzzed.”

  “I ate before I got here, but thanks. I need to go. I’ll be back soon.” I didn’t even bother changing my shirt. I walked out of the club feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

  Julie ran through my mind as a cab took me to the doctor’s office. I leaned my elbow on the frame of the door and chewed the side of my nail. What if the baby was mine? Guilt washed over me for the way I’d been feeling about him or her. What type of role model would I be, knocking up a woman and not giving her my name? If the child was mine, they would be a Chambers—that I was sure of. Nikki on the other hand was a different story.

  The cab pulled up to the office building. Before I walked in, I paused to collect my thoughts. Like pieces of a new puzzle, they were scattered and in no order whatsoever. I wondered what the picture would be once the pieces fell into place.

  Nikki smiled as soon as I entered the office. “I knew you’d come!”

  She stood to kiss me, and I pulled my head back, earning sneers from the other women in the waiting room. Nikki and I sat next to each other, and I’d never felt so out of place in my life. Pictures of happy families graced the walls, and the tables held a slew of parenting magazines.

  The couple sitting across from us were clearly in love, and another woman was reading a brochure on what appeared to be breastfeeding. I glanced at Nikki, who had her hands on her stomach. All of a sudden, she smiled and grabbed my hand.

  “Feel this, Brett! Our baby is kicking.” She moved my hand to the right side of her belly.

  I felt the sensation under my palm and was stunned by the overwhelming feeling that filled my heart. If this child was mine, I vowed right then and there to be the best dad I could—even if we weren’t a family.

  “He must know his dad is here.” She squeezed my hand.

  “He?” I pulled my hand away. “Did you already find out?”

  She giggled. “No, a mom just knows, I guess. I bet he’s going to be gorgeous like you. That’s all I want. A miniature Brett.” Her smile was wide as she rubbed her belly.

  “Why don’t we wait and see what the doctor says.” I leaned back in the wooden chair and contemplated telling her I knew I’d worn protection. My thoughts were interrupted when the door opened.

  “Nikki Chambers?” the nurse called.

  Bile rose in my throat as Nikki bounced out of her chair. Nikki Chambers? What the hell? She looked back at me and winked. The nurse was old enough to be my mother, so rather than correcting her, I followed her into the small office. I’d take care of the name issue later.

  The office was dimly lit. Aside from the bed, a couple of chairs and the ultrasound machine, it was rather bleak for such a happy place. I supposed not all of the news that came from these rooms was jovial, but the décor could have assisted with the atmosphere. I shook my head, ridding it of negative thoughts.

  “Nikki, please change into this.” She handed Nikki a light blue hospital gown made of paper. “Opening in the front, please. You can leave your bra and underwear on.”

  The nurse left, and Nikki began taking off her top. I turned to walk out.

  “Brett, you can stay. It’s not like you haven’t seen me take off my clothes.”

  Again with that sickly sweet voice. My stomach rolled, but I turned around and waited for her to get under the paper sheet on the bed. Didn’t the place have linens?

  There was a knock on the door, and Nikki said, “We’re ready.”

  Another woman walked in. She was younger than the other woman. “Hi, I’m Veronica, the technician. I’ll be performing the ultrasound.”

  I held out my hand. “Brett Chambers.”

  She shook my hand. “Pleasure to meet you.” She turned to Nikki, who only had her lower half covered with the sheet. “You must be Mrs. Chambers?”

  Nikki opened her mouth to answer, but I did it for her. “Actually, she’s Nikki Webster. We’re not married.” I looked at Nikki and shook my h
ead. This needed to stop. We weren’t getting married, and pretending we were wasn’t an option.

  “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you both.” Veronica sat on the stool as I stood at the end of the bed. She flicked on the machine and grabbed a bottle off the cart. “This will be a tad cold.” She squirted gel on a handheld device and placed it on Nikki’s stomach, making Nikki flinch.

  “Yes, it is cold.” Nikki laughed. Her eyes met mine. “Come closer, Brett, don’t you want to see him?”

  I stepped around to the side of the bed so I was facing the small monitor attached to the ultrasound machine.

  “Do you already know the gender of the baby?” Veronica asked.

  “No, but I know it’s a boy.” Nikki smiled and took my hand.

  I didn’t pull away, but I didn’t close my fingers around her hand either. I was sure Veronica didn’t think much of me as it was. No need for her to think I was a horrible person.

  A sound came out of the speaker, making my eyes dart toward the screen. It sounded like swishing or something underwater. A white arrow pointed at an image that was moving around.

  “That’s your baby’s heartbeat,” Veronica said. “Strong and steady.”

  Nikki squeezed my hand. I was in awe. Never in my life had I heard anything like it. The beat was fast, and my eyes fixated on the lines Veronica was making on the screen. She informed us she was taking measurements and everything looked good.

  “Ah, there we go.” Veronica smiled. “I know the gender of the baby. Are you sure you want to know?” She looked at Nikki then at me.

  “Yes, of course we do. Right, honey?” Nikki looked at me and smiled.

  Honey? I nodded.

  “Well, congratulations, Mom and Dad, you’re having a girl.”

  Nikki gasped. I smiled as her theory of “Mommy knows best” quickly turned into “Mommy knew nothing.”

  Nikki became snippy. “Are you sure? I’m telling you he feels like a boy. Check again.”

  I laughed. All I could think was if that were my son, there’d be no doubt. He’d be well hung like his father. She was most certainly having a girl.

  “I’m 99.9% sure it’s a girl. There’s always a slim chance the results are wrong and the baby is hiding something, but I don’t think that’s the case here. But if you feel strongly about it, then don’t paint the room pink yet.”

  Veronica stood and handed Nikki tissues to clean off her belly. She wheeled out the cart and told us she’d pass the images along to the doctor. Before she left, she handed Nikki a few pictures of the baby. Nikki gave me one.

  After Veronica left, Nikki tore off the paper gown and got off the bed in a huff. “She’s wrong!”

  Seeing Nikki in her bra and underwear made me cover my eyes.

  “Brett, stop being a jerk and hand me my clothes.”

  I picked up her shorts and top and held them out to her.

  She snatched them from my hands and shrugged them on. “I can’t believe it.” She pulled her long hair out of the back of her shirt and shook her head in disbelief.

  “Nik, what the hell is your problem? She said the baby’s heart was strong and everything looked good. Isn’t that the most important thing?” Seriously, the chick was crazy.

  “Whatever. I don’t want a girl. I want your son.” She huffed and grabbed her purse.

  “Excuse me? What did you say?” My son? What was the difference?

  “You heard me—I want your son. Don’t you want your name carried over for another generation? That’s what I want to give to you—your heir.”

  I glared at her. My heir? She’d truly lost it. It wasn’t as if I was the King of England. “We don’t even know the paternity yet, just chill out and be happy. Shit, I’m happy, and I don’t even know if I’m the dad. You should be thankful everything is okay.”

  The doctor came in and told us the baby looked wonderful. All the measurements were where they should have been. He told Nikki he’d see her next month.

  I walked out and went to the front desk. If I stayed in that room any longer, I would lose it.

  Once we checked out—and I addressed the Nikki Chambers issue. Thankfully, she had just checked in using my last name. We made our way outside. I grabbed my cell to call a cab.

  “Brett, I’m sorry.” Nikki placed her hand on my arm. “You’re right. I was thrown. But you didn’t have to announce I wasn’t a Chambers. Pretty soon I will be Nikki Chambers.” She smiled sweetly at me.

  My head snapped toward her as my eyes widened. What was she talking about? The chick was delusional, and I hoped the baby didn’t inherit that trait. “Pardon me?”

  “It’s the right thing to do, don’t you think?” She batted her eyes at me and tilted her head as if she were a puppy.

  “No, I don’t think.” I took her hand off my arm. “Look, Nikki, I told you from the start that wasn’t going to happen. If she is mine, then I’ll support her and we’ll figure out custody, but that’s it. I’ll be the best dad to our daughter, and I’ll love her with everything I have, but that doesn’t mean I’ll love you. I’ll never love you.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?” She crossed her arms, and her eyes narrowed.

  “No, I’m not kidding. I don’t love you, and I won’t raise a child in a loveless house. Not happening.” The heat in the air was nothing compared to the heat building in my body. “I think we should ask the doctor to perform a paternity test before the birth. It’s been done before.”

  “So you want them to stick a giant needle through my abdomen and get close to the baby? I told you that puts too much stress on her. Stop being so selfish. I told you she’s yours.” She shook her head in disgust.

  “You can’t blame me for having my doubts, Nikki. But I suppose I can wait. I’d feel terrible if something happened to her.”

  You would think that in this day and age, there’d be a different way to find out paternity. I needed to do some research. Come to think of it, I should have asked the doctor about it.

  The cab pulled up.

  “Can I drop you home?” I asked. Her place was on the way to the club, so why not?

  She didn’t reply, but she got into the cab and slid to the other side. Once I was in, I gave the driver her address. I stared at the passing cars and wondered what would happen the day this little girl was born.

  “Brett?” Her saccharin-coated voice was back, but it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

  I looked at her. She was practically pouting. I was done with her today. “What?”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. But please don’t close yourself off to the idea that we will never happen. Never is a long time. You’ve wanted me before; it could happen again.” Her lips curled into a smile that made me want to frown.

  My hand raked through my hair, but I wanted to tug on it. I turned and stared into her doe eyes. “Try to understand. This”—my hand waved between us—“was never supposed to be more than a good time.” I shook my head, trying to figure out the best way to tell her she wasn’t the marrying type. “I don’t love you, and as far as wanting you, yeah, I wanted you that night, but not to sound like an asshole, what I wanted was to get back at Julie. You were… convenient.” As soon as the last word left my lips, I knew Nikki would flip out.

  “Keep telling yourself that, but once our baby is born, you’ll see. You’ll want me.” She crossed her legs and faced forward.

  “Drop me off at the White Orchid first.”

  The cabbie nodded. When we arrived at the club, I tossed him an extra twenty on top of our fares.

  I opened my door. “Oh, by the way, I know I wore protection that night. Purple, Nikki? Really? Do you honestly think I’d buy purple condoms?”

  A panicked look flashed across her face but was replaced with a look that resembled pride. Was she proud of herself?

  “Sometimes they fail. It says so right on the box.” She grinned.

  “So I did wear one, and you’ve been lying this entire time?”

  Her e
xpression bordered on mockery. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of that car and away from her.

  “Hey, Brett?” she called, making my head drop back in exhaustion.

  I turned and glared at her.

  “Thanks for coming today.” She rubbed her belly and smiled. “We appreciated it.”

  I shut the door and ambled into the club. I looked at Alex, who was sitting at the bar, but I bypassed him and walked upstairs to the office. I still needed to change. I didn’t want to think about Nikki, but I couldn’t help thinking about the baby girl who could possibly be my daughter.

  Alex met me at the bottom of the stairs as I came down. “How’d it go?”

  “I have to say, hearing the baby’s heartbeat made it real.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “It’s a girl. Nikki could be carrying my daughter. I got her to admit we didn’t have unprotected sex.”

  “I’m surprised she didn’t lie again.”

  “She probably doesn’t feel the need to anymore.”

  “But wow, a daughter. That’s great!” Alex smiled. “Aubrey wants to be surprised, so we don’t know what we’re having. Can you imagine if she turns out to be yours? Our kids will grow up together.”

  Suddenly, the concept of being a father wasn’t terrifying. Alex was right—our kids would be right around the same age.

  “Yeah, but you love your baby’s mother. Aubrey is nothing like Nikki. I can’t even picture Nikki being nurturing.” I exhaled. “How do I do this, man? I fell in love with that baby today. What do I do if she’s mine and I can’t be with her all the time? I never thought I’d be a dad, but if I had thought of it, I’d want Julie to be the mother. This is so screwed up.” Just saying that made me sad for this little girl.

  “You may feel differently after she’s born… if she is yours.” Alex shrugged. “Look, man, I know the type of guy you are. You’ll want to be there for her, for them.”

  “No. I mean, yes, if the baby’s mine, then of course I’ll be there for her. But how could you think I’d be there for Nikki? Especially after all of her lies. Making me think that I did something with her that I haven’t even done with Julie is enough for me to despise the ground she walks on.” My nostrils flared. “Shit, Alex, what if it was Leah having your baby instead of Aubrey? What if this was happening to you? Your wife, a woman you love, is having your baby. You can’t compare that to my situation.”