My Kind of Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  As soon as we’re checked in and keys are handed over, we’re dragging our sorry asses into the elevator. Too many thoughts are filtering through my mind as we speed to the top floors and it takes a shoulder bump from JD to let me know we’re about to get off.

  We go opposite ways, each of us with our own places. We did this because Jenna and Eden are coming out in a few days to stay with JD. No one needs to be privy to what goes on behind their closed door. It makes me wonder if Katelyn will bring the kids out. I’m sure if she does, they’ll stay at their beach house. And that leaves me. Josie won’t fly to LA because of the café, and Noah’s baseball schedule... and the fact that the baby will be here any day now. I’ll be left alone to contemplate and stress about the band and whether we’re going to continue. We have two options: Stay in Beaumont and do small shows every now and again, or return to the band we were when we were in high demand. I miss those days.

  Opening the door to the penthouse, it’s like déjà vu; even though this isn’t the one I used to live in, it’s just decorated the same. It’s an eerie feeling, being back here, and realizing how easy... and yet lonely... my life really was.

  Last night I lay in bed and cried. I let my tears soak Liam’s pillow as I hugged it to my chest. Every thought I had ended up the same… my husband is gone. It’s not the first time he’s gone on tour. He’s been to New York to see their somewhat manager, Gary. Each time I’ve been okay with his trips, until now. There’s something about Los Angeles that scares me. I can’t put my finger on it, aside from the fact that it’s the place that ended us. If his grandmother hadn’t lived there, he would’ve never gone. Liam could’ve easily played music while living in Texas for college or… no, there isn’t an “or” because LA was his calling and he probably would’ve ended up there with or without his grandma.

  The house feels empty even though everything is still in its place. Everywhere I look, I see Liam. I just can’t sense him. I flick the light illuminating our closet. Most of his clothes are gone, which is hard for me to fathom. If this trip is supposed to be short, why did he need to take everything? Wouldn’t he just pack a few things, enough to get him by? His missing wardrobe feels like there’s finality in this situation, that we’re over, but he couldn’t tell me. I know better than to think like that.

  I pick up a few of his things that are scattered on the floor and put them in the hamper before making my way into the bathroom. Every woman dreams of having a master suite with a large walk in closet and a bathroom big enough so that two people can share without feeling cramped. At one point, this was my dream. When I was younger, I knew what football players were making and how lavishly they lived. I selfishly wanted that. I wanted our house to be featured on television and written about in the press. It was my dream to live like Cinderella after I married my prince. And now that I have it, I’d give it all up just to have Liam walk through the door with a shit-eating grin on his face, announcing he’s home.

  It’s not going to happen. That’s what I tell myself as I look at my reflection in the mirror. The lack of sleep is evident by the puffy bags under my eyes. Coupled with my blood-shot-red-rimmed eyes, it looks like I’ve been on an all-night bender. He hasn’t even been gone twenty-four hours and I already look like death. I’m not sure I have enough concealer or eye drops to hide the fact that I’m a wreck.

  “The girls will look the same,” I mutter to the mirror that sadly doesn’t answer. It’s ridiculous that I hope Katelyn and Jenna had the same shitty night I did.

  After a long, hot shower, doing my hair and attempting to conceal the bags under my eyes, I’m stepping into a baby blue sundress. Today is my baby shower, or rather a shower for the baby boy we’re about to adopt. I told the girls that I didn’t need one, but they insisted.

  As I smooth down the front of my dress, my hand rests over my stomach. The absence of a baby there while having a baby shower is not lost on me. I’m over the moon that we’re able to adopt... that Aubrey was kind of enough to think of us... but having our own child is something I wanted Liam to experience with me. Now he’s not even experiencing this moment and I find myself wondering if I were as pregnant as Meredith is now, would he have left… again? I try not to compare the first time to now. Had Liam known, he would’ve stayed.

  When I get downstairs, Noah is sitting at the table with his hands folded. He looks up and smiles, reminding me of a young Liam, and dressed in his Sunday best. I can’t get over how much he resembles his father and as long as he doesn’t act like him, I’ll be okay. I know what Liam was like in high school because I was on the receiving end. I shudder at the thought of Noah taking girls to the dugouts, or having sex in this car. I have promised myself, though, that I’ll be accepting of any girl he brings home. I’ll never make her feel unwanted, whether I like her or not. No one should have to go through what I did.

  “Are you ready?”

  He rolls his eyes and stands reluctantly.

  “Quinn will be there.”

  Noah shrugs. I know he and Quinn don’t always get along. Noah loves his sports while Quinn is more artistic. They both enjoy music and video games, but Noah is more drawn to Peyton and I think it’s because he’s known her longer and they share a bond over Mason. I also think that Noah resents Quinn a little because he’s grown up with Liam, something Noah didn’t have a chance to do.

  The drive over to Katelyn’s is quiet. Noah stares out the window, only turning his head more when he sees some of his friends at the park.

  “You can go later if you want,” I tell him as we drive past.

  “I’ll call my… Nick,” he says, finishing his sentence. I pat his leg, only for him to move slightly away. The gesture isn’t lost on me. He’s getting older and having his mom touch him isn’t cool.

  “I know Nick will like that.” Nick wants to tell Noah that Aubrey is pregnant. I just hope Noah takes it better than the adoption news. He doesn’t realize this now, but I have a feeling he’s going to be an amazing big brother.

  The neighborhood where Harrison and Katelyn live is lined with cars. As I make my way to their house there’s a spot in the driveway saying “Reserved for Expectant Mom”.

  “I think that’s where you park,” Noah says as I pull in.

  “You think so?” I ask, hoping to engage him in a little bit of conversation.

  “Yeah, they need you close so you can carry all that crap you’re getting today.”

  I look at him questioningly and he shrugs. “What? I looked a baby shower up online and I bet tonight you’ll be sitting in the baby’s room going over everything, saying how I was once that tiny.”

  “You were,” I remind him, earning an eye-roll.

  He opens his door without saying anything. I hate that he’s growing up. It won’t be long until he’s heading off to the same overnight camps that Liam went to and entering high school. He’ll be walking the same halls that Liam commanded and at the pace he’s going with football, he’ll be making his own mark. Liam has already told him that there’s no shadow looming over him and he’s his own player. That is the one thing Liam fears – that Noah will be compared to him. Neither of us wants that for Noah.

  Before I know what’s happening, my son is opening my car door and holding his hand out for me to grab.

  “Thank you,” I tell him, my voice catching when he holds his arm out for me to hang onto.

  “Dad said I needed to be the man of the house and he would do this, right?”

  “He would,” I nod, trying to hold back tears of happiness.

  Noah guides me into Katelyn’s house, which has been decorated in massive amounts of blue. Old classmates that I haven’t seen in a long time greet me with congratulatory expressions. A few of them ask where Liam is and I want to say at home because men usually don’t attend baby showers, but I tell them he’s working. Always working.

  My mom greets us at the door, offering me a quick hug before crouching down to talk to Noah. He’s taller than her, but she likes lo
oking up at him.

  Eden comes running toward me and I scoop her up, relishing in her tiny baby hugs. She babbles non-stop as she and I have our own conversation until she wants down so she can chase the kids. Katelyn and Jenna both pull me into a hug; a hug that means something different to everyone else here. We’re going through something a lot of women don’t understand and as long as we have each other, we should be okay. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself every day until my husband is back in my arms.

  When we pull apart I see the same worry in their faces that I wear on mine. I want to reassure them that everything will be fine, but I can’t even bring myself to think that. This trip means something different for me than it does them. I have a bad feeling that I can’t shake.

  “There’s food, lots and lots of food,” Katelyn says as she pulls me into the dining room. The twins are dressed identical in dresses, much to Peyton’s chagrin. If ever there were a walking definition of a tomboy, she’s it. Someday she’ll want to wear dresses; she just doesn’t know it yet. Quinn smiles and starts filling his plate full of food.

  “Are you staying?” I ask him.

  He shakes his head quickly as his cheeks turn a beautiful pink. “I’ll be upstairs waiting for Noah so we can play video games.”

  “I’m sure he’s looking forward to that, Quinn.” He doesn’t say anything else and quickly leaves the room after more women come in.

  I make myself a plate of food and grab something to drink. Katelyn signals for me to follow her into the living room where I’m directed to sit in a large chair.

  “We’re going to help pass out presents, Aunt Josie,” Elle says, as Peyton sits down next to me.

  “You can sit here and help me open them if you want,” I tell her, knowing she’ll be up as soon as she sees her sister getting all the attention. Looking at Peyton, quiet and a bit withdrawn, I want to yell and shake Liam for taking Harrison away from her. She’s just a little girl who wants to be with her dad but can’t.

  Everyone gathers around me; most are holding conversations amongst themselves and every now and again I hear Liam’s name. The mumbled mention of him being gone again when another baby is on the way strikes a nerve. I want to stand up and yell, telling them to stop being jealous, catty bitches but I refrain.

  Noah appears before me, proudly handing me a present. “Open this one first, Mom. It’s from Dad and me.” Once again I have to fight the tears from coming as I tear open the blue paper.

  “It’s a beautiful box,” I tell him, winking. He shakes his head and smiles, knowing that I’m playing with him.

  “Open it,” he encourages.

  And I do. I lift the lid of the blue box and pull out the velvet box inside. I open the creaking lid and it reveals two Tiffany baby rattles with blue ribbons.

  “Dad says we’ll have the baby’s name put on it once you guys decide what to call him.”

  “And this one?” I hold up the second one that has Noah’s named engraved. He shrugs and tries to hide his smile.

  “I read that moms like these so Dad had one made for me so the baby and I could match.”

  There’s no hiding the tears this time as I pull him into my arms. “Thank you, Noah, I love it.”

  “You’re welcome, Mom.” I hate that he pulls away so quickly, but I get it. I dab at my eyes and pray that my make-up isn’t running. I don’t need any pictures depicting me as the Bride of Frankenstein today.

  I slide my phone out of the pocket in my dress and type a text to Liam.

  Thank you. I love the rattles and I love you.

  I hold my phone for a second longer, waiting for the conversation bubble to pop up. When it doesn’t, I try not to let that bother me. I know he’s busy. That he’s working. But I want to be a priority and want him answering every text I send as soon as I send it.

  Now that the first present is out of the way, Elle has me flooded with more. Peyton has taken the job of moving the presents around to all the guests so they can “ooh” and “aah” at all of the cuteness. I’m opening everything from washcloths to clothes, including onesies that say, “I’m with the Band” and “My Dad Sings All the Lullabies”. Images of Liam singing to our son flood my mind. I can’t wait to see him sitting in the nursery, rocking his son to sleep.

  All chatter stops when the doorbell rings. I look around and don’t notice anyone missing, unless it’s Harrison’s sister and mom, but they wouldn’t ring the bell.

  “I don’t think she wants you here,” I hear Katelyn say, causing some concern.

  “Excuse me for a minute,” I tell everyone as I walk toward the door. When I enter the foyer I see the cause of Katelyn’s raised voice.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask my very absent mother-in-law who is standing on the porch holding a gift. The usual defiance is gone as she stands there looking at me. Liam has only seen her a few times since he moved home, and never longer than five minutes or so. To say they don’t have a relationship is an understatement. I know she’s been making attempts to visit Noah, although she never makes it further than the driveway.

  “Bianca,” my mother says from behind me. I can feel her hand on the small of my back, and I can’t tell if she’s pushing me forward or trying to hold me back. “I’m so happy you could make it.”

  Katelyn and I turn to look at my mom, who is ignoring both of us. She steps forward and pushes the screen door open so Bianca can step in.

  “I’m sorry I’m late. My nerves got the best of me.”

  “It’s understandable, but there’s plenty of party food left,” my mom says as she ushers my mother-in-law into the other room. I can hear her make introductions as Katelyn and I stare at each other.

  “Did you know?”

  She shakes her head. Of course she didn’t because she wouldn’t allow it.

  I bite my lip, trying to keep the anger away, but it’s rolling in like a bad storm. “What am I going to do?”

  Katelyn places both hands on my shoulders and looks me square in the eyes. “You’re going to go in there and act like you own the place. Do not let that woman ruin your day.”

  I nod, but can’t bring myself to think positively. I pull out my phone, hoping for a text from Liam, but there isn’t one.

  Your mother just showed up at my shower!!!!! WTF??

  A bell slams against the glass door; making known to anyone in the bar that someone is walking in. I don’t remember it being there before, but I really only used the front entrance a few times when I was playing here. Once I got my first gig, Trixie gave me the code for the backdoor.

  “We’re closed.”

  The voice is older, hoarser, but I’ll never mistake it for anyone other than Trixie. Harrison, JD and I linger in the bar while the stranger behind the counter finishes slamming bottles around. When a head of black and white hair pulled back in a high bun pops up, I know it can be none other than Trixie. None of us say anything as she mumbles to herself and it dawns on me that she was probably hoping that whoever was at the door left.

  “I told you idiots that we’re closed,” she says with her back facing us. We give each other a look, all three of us with our brows furrowed.

  Trixie slowly turns around and places her hand on her hip. A white towel is draped over her shoulder and she looks forty years older than when I last saw her. Time has not been good to Trixie. Gone are the flawless skin and ruby red lips that I remember from years ago.

  “We’re closed, morons. Or are you those stupid types that don’t understand English. Did Sal send you down here to spy?”

  I look at Harrison and JD who both shrug wondering who the hell Sal is.

  “Don’t you remember me? Or us?” She should remember Harrison. Not only did he work here for years, but he was just here performing drums with a band.

  “Oh I remember you; you’re Charlie Page’s grandson.”

  Hearing the name of my grandfather, a man that I never knew, catches me off guard. I knew he played here - it’s where he met my g
randmother - but of all the times I’ve been here, Trixie has never mentioned him. I don’t know anything about him other than he was a musician.

  “My name’s Liam… I used –”

  “Ack, I know who you are. Can’t you take a joke? Liam the Virgin. I’m getting older, but I’m not stupid. I remember.” She starts to laugh. I laugh too, but it’s forced. For a moment I thought she had forgotten about me. I hated the nickname she gave me. Not that I expect her to remember everyone that comes through here because, believe me, she’s seen a lot of musicians, but it’s not been that long since I used to frequent the stage.

  “This one here –” she points to Harrison, “came in a few weeks back thinking he could just take over the drum set.”

  “And I did,” Harrison says as he side steps in front of me to walk around the bar. He pulls Trixie into a hug, even though she resists and playfully tries to slap him away.

  JD lines up behind him with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Remember me?”

  “No, but you’re hot so you can give me a hug too.” JD doesn’t miss a beat when he pulls her into his arms.

  “You just gonna stand over there or what?”

  I shrug. “Aren’t you closed?”

  Trixie takes the towel from her shoulder and throws it at me. I catch it mid-air with ease, thanks to the hours of catch I’ve been playing with Noah. We both take steps toward each other and when we do, I pick her up into a giant bear hug.

  “You’ve been missed,” she mumbles into my shoulder.

  “You too.” I put her down and am taken aback when she places her hands on my cheeks.

  “He said he’d bring you back, but I didn’t believe him.”

  I glance quickly at Harrison who is ignoring us. He’d do anything for Trixie, and I would too, but within reason. Coming here and performing is what I can do for her. Not only does it help out the bar, but I’m also hoping it will revive our status amongst our peers.