My Kind of Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Never have and can’t say that I will unless Josie is front and center and I’m singing to her.”

  Even when I’m home in Beaumont and performing, I don’t take my shirt off. My tattoo is for her, and her alone.

  Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reasoning at the time, but eventually it comes to light. Two days ago, I found out that the baby Liam and I have been planning to adopt for months is no longer ours. Meredith, the mom, changed her mind. I get it, I do. A school counselor brought up adoption when I was pregnant with Noah. She was trying to encourage me to stay in school. I never planned to drop out, just live at home until I could graduate. My parents were there to help. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am, but that’s where I thought I could help Meredith. I should’ve known, though. She never let me buy her anything.

  I roll over and shut my alarm off before the offending buzzer can jar my already awake body. Sleep has eluded me since Aubrey told me the news. I thought that I’d be more upset, but the fact of the matter is I’m not, and that scares the shit out of me. I should be beside myself with grief, crying my eyes out in agony over the heartache I feel. But all I can tell myself is that this child wasn’t meant to be ours. Still, I have a room full of stuff that he needs, and I plan to give it to him.

  My phone rings and Liam’s face appears. I slide the screen open and there he is, my husband. The one I have vowed to love, honor and cherish, and apparently lie to. I haven’t told him about the baby and Meredith. I can’t, at least not over the phone. Right now I feel like we’re Humpty Dumpty and one push will break us. It needs to be done face-to-face, in person, not over the computer or phone. I want to hold him when I tell him the news.

  “Good morning,” he says right before he brings a mug of what I’m assuming is coffee to his lips.

  “Morning,” I say, as I stretch. He leans forward, trying to get a peek. Unfortunately for him, there’s nothing to see. Since he made a comment about my boobs looking bigger, I’ve kept them hidden. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve been standing in front of the mirror each time I go to the bathroom to see if, in fact, they are.

  “What are you doing today?”

  “Well, I’m going to take a shower –”

  “And think of me?”

  I roll my eyes. “Is that all you think about?”

  Liam nods since I’ve caught him mid drink. “Yes, babe. Every freaking minute because I haven’t been able to touch you and it’s driving me nuts.”

  “You know this isn’t the first time you’ve been away.”

  “I know. I missed you then as well, but this time it’s worse because I have downtime and you know how I hate having downtime.”

  “I know. Anyway, after my shower, I’m going with Katelyn to take the kids to the cemetery and then we’re going to the park.” I don’t tell him that I’m meeting with Aubrey to fill out some paperwork. Meredith is required to pay us back for the expenses she incurred while contracted with us. The girl doesn’t have any money and part of me feels we should just let it go, but the other part thinks this would be a good life lesson.

  “I need to call Noah later.”

  “I’ll have him call you when we get to the park. I’m picking him up at Nick’s.”

  “Okay, go take your shower and think about my hands all over your body.”

  “I always do,” I tell him as I blow him a kiss.

  “Love you, babe.”

  “Love you, too.”

  The screen goes blank and the room fills with silence. I wish Noah were here, but I understand Nick’s view on having him at his house for a few days. I have things to deal with that Noah just won’t understand.

  Crawling out of bed, my legs ache. These past few days I’ve been sleeping far too long, even if it’s restless. Passing through my half empty closet, I remind myself to ask Liam for a date as to when he’s coming home. I need him here, and if he thinks home is going to become Los Angeles, he needs to tell me so we can figure things out. It’ll suck, but he’ll have to travel back and forth. He did it after he found out about Noah, and he can do it again. Although, I just want him back in Beaumont with us.

  I stop in front of the mirror and lift my shirt over my head. I angle myself to see if I can see what he’s talking about. I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ve gained weight. I haven’t been to the gym in almost a month, and clearly it’s starting to show. I add calling Xander to my list of things to do today.

  I step into the shower built for two and blast the hot water. It burns my chilled skin, but it’s a welcomed pain, reminding me that I still feel something. The more I think about the baby, the more it makes sense. Liam and I never discussed names. Neither of us brought it up. When I came across his grandfather’s name I thought it would be a good name, something to carry on. But I also thought Liam would insist we were naming the baby Mason, and he never did.

  Mason… every day I think about him and the differences he’s made, even since he’s been gone. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have Liam and most importantly, neither would Noah.

  “Hey.”

  Mason sits down next me on the park bench. I say hi, but never meet his eyes. I’m focused on Noah and his determination to be a big boy on the playground.

  “Have you talked to Katelyn?”

  I smile, knowing full well why he’s here. “I have.”

  “I knocked her up good.”

  When he starts to laugh, I follow suit. Leave it to Mason to turn something scary into something funny. We sit there, watching Noah run from the slide to the swings and back.

  “He’s missing out, Josie.”

  I sigh and nod. I try not to think about Liam and everything he’s missing, but each time I look at my son, I see his father.

  “You’re going to be an amazing father, Mason. Just promise me you’ll never leave her.”

  I wipe away the tears that have fallen. He made that promise, but some higher power had different plans for him. The memories I have are starting to fade and I hate that. Mason needs to live on in our lives, and the lives of the girls, but it seems that we’re talking about him less and less. Maybe that needs to change.

  Once I’m dried off and dressed, with my hair braided, I’m out the door. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I can’t help thinking today is going to be a glorious day. Nick texts to tell me he’ll meet us at the cemetery, saving me a trip to his house.

  When I pull into the cemetery, Katelyn and the kids are already there. I walk by her car and wave at Quinn, who is staring out the window. Katelyn asks him each time if he wants to get out, but he opts to give the girls their private time. He waves back and offers a sweet Harrison-like smile. Between him and Noah, we’ll be beating the girls away with clubs.

  “Aunt Josie, look,” Elle points to the freshly laid flowers on Mason’s grave. Each week they’re here, cleaning and removing any debris. Harrison has been known to come as well, but never tells Katelyn what he says. He tells her that’s between him and Mason.

  “Very beautiful, Elle. Your daddy loves them, I’m sure.”

  Peyton sits just beyond Mason’s grave, watching the entrance. I look at Katelyn who shrugs and decide to go see how she’s doing.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Just waiting.”

  “Did you visit with your dad?”

  She shakes her head.

  “How come?”

  “Elle is too nosey.”

  “I see.” I pull my legs to my chest to match her position. “Have you asked your mom to bring you by yourself?”

  She shakes her head again.

  “I think if you did, she would. Or, ask Harrison. You know he’d bring you.”

  Peyton shrugs. “I don’t want my dad to get mad about me wanting to talk to my dad.”

  If anyone on the outside of our group didn’t know the situation, they’d be confused. “I think both dads will understand. I know Harrison will. He loves you, Peyton. You know that.”


  She sighs and kicks her legs out in front of her. “I miss him and Uncle Liam. When are they coming home?”

  I pull her into my side and kiss the top of her head. “Soon,” I tell her, praying that I’m right.

  After we finish up at the cemetery, we’re park bound. Peyton is riding with me and as soon as she sees Noah, she’s out of the car and racing toward him. Nick tells me that Aubrey will call me later to discuss some business and tells Noah that he’ll see him later.

  The kids run off to the playground as Katelyn and I walk hand-in-hand to the bench. We can sit here for hours and watch them play.

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “What is it?” she asks, without taking her eyes off the kids.

  I lean my head on her shoulder and wait for the tears to start. When they don’t, I am even surer this is the right decision for me, even if I didn’t make it. “Meredith is keeping the baby.”

  Katelyn turns in a snap, causing me to hit my head on the wooden bench.

  “Ouch, shit, that hurt.”

  “Oh crap, Josie are you okay?”

  “Yes, and no. My head hurts, but surprisingly I’m okay with Meredith’s decision.” I rub my head, wondering if I have a concussion.

  Katelyn grabs my free hand and holds it. The stroke of her thumb against my hand is soothing, but not doing much for the headache that I’m getting.

  “I’m so sorry, Josie. I know how much you guys wanted this baby. Do you need me to do anything?”

  “Help me clean out the room?” I say, sheepishly. Cleaning is never anyone’s ‘fun’ job. “I think I’m going to give Meredith the stuff. I don’t want it, and it’s really for the baby, not me.”

  “I think that’s very noble of you, Josie. You’re a strong woman.”

  “I don’t know about that. I’m not even upset. I mean, I was when Aubrey called, but I don’t feel like I think I should.”

  “Everyone reacts differently. Doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

  “I guess. I still haven’t told Liam. I’m thinking of going out there this weekend since Noah’s game has been moved. Maybe surprise him before breaking his heart.”

  “Hearing it from you in person will be better, plus your other news.”

  I look at her strangely. “What other news?”

  “Oh come on, Josie. If I’m noticing, he has to be noticing.”

  I slide away from her and give her my best “what the hell” look.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “Am not.”

  “Are too. I’ve been there before.”

  “So have I, in case you’ve forgotten. I’m not pregnant.”

  “Your boobs are bigger and so is your ass.”

  My mouth drops open, but she just shrugs. “How dare you!”

  “Eh, it’s the truth, and you’d tell me the same thing.”

  I turn back to watching the kids and count off the days since my last period. And when that doesn’t work, I try to remember the last time I bought tampons at the store. Still coming up blank.

  “Did you figure it out yet?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell her, crossing my arms in defiance.

  She leans into me, resting her chin on my shoulder. “Josie, I think you’re pregnant. I’ll watch Noah while you scoot over to the hospital for a test.”

  “What if I’m not?”

  She laughs and sits up straight. “Then Xander has a lot of work to do.”

  Katelyn is ducking before my hand even starts flying. I smack her good before I get up and walk away. I know she’s wrong, and I refuse to get my hopes up, but now she has me wondering.

  I’ve been here before, many times. There’s a small bandage on my arm from where my blood has been drawn. I’ve peed in a cup and I’ve stripped down and put on a hospital gown. I’ve calculated my last period to the best of my ability, realizing as I was giving my information to the nurse that I am, indeed, late. Now, I wait. Everything in this room is a focal point for me. The ugly border that someone thought would be appealing. The years old magazines that never get replaced even hold my attention. If my ass wasn’t hanging out of the back of my gown, I’d rummage through the cabinets just to see what they keep in there. But I’m not moving.

  I refuse to get my hopes up. I shouldn’t even be here, but Katelyn’s right, I have gained weight. Weight loss I could attribute to stress, but not gain.

  The soft knock on the door tells me my doctor is about to come in. She smiles at me, which is no indication that I’m pregnant.

  “How are you feeling, Josie?”

  “Fine, nothing out of the ordinary.” She notes something in my chart and asks me to lie back. I cringe when I hear the snapping of her latex gloves. I put my feet in the stir-ups and close my eyes. This is the most uncomfortable feeling ever.

  My doctor makes it quick and painless, telling me I can sit up. Her back is to me, as she writes in my chart again. She turns and sits in her stool, holding my life in her hands.

  “You’ve been trying for a long time to get pregnant, Josie.”

  I knew not to get my hopes up. I nod in confirmation. No words are needed.

  “With that said, let me be the first to say congratulations!”

  My mouth drops open and I know for sure I didn’t hear her correctly. “What’d you say?”

  “Congratulations, Josie, you’re pregnant.”

  “I…wh… are you sure?”

  “All your lab work, your urine tests and the check I’ve just completed confirms it. You have a baby growing inside of you.”

  I cover my mouth in shock and tell her thank you.

  “Don’t thank me, thank your husband.”

  “Oh, I plan to.”

  She laughs because she knows our history and has been trying to help us conceive for a while.

  “When am I due?”

  “Well, that’s the thing, Josie. According to your records, you indicated that you’re last cycle was last month, but you’re measuring at about eighteen weeks.”

  I don’t tell her that I’m not very accurate on that date. It’s like a test question you didn’t study for and it catches you off-guard. I clearly failed this test.

  Her words sound muffled, as if I’m underwater. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “You’re eighteen weeks. Baby Westbury is due in November.”

  I put my hand up, and she pauses. “If I’m eighteen weeks, that means I’ve missed multiple periods and you know I’ve been meticulous about keeping track. How can I be this far along?”

  She sets her folder down and clasps her hands. “Your body has been going through a lot of stress. Between your attempts at conceiving and the adoption process, your body has simply been functioning. It’s not uncommon for women in this case to miss two periods and not give it a second thought. Once you and Liam stopped trying, your body relaxed, but you didn’t. And in rare cases, the human body doesn’t recognize that there’s a life growing inside of it. I’m going to schedule an ultrasound for later this afternoon.”

  “I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “Liam isn’t home and I can’t do that without him.”

  “When will he be back?”

  I sigh and bite the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know. He’s working in LA right now. I need to go to him, though, and tell him. Is there a doctor out there that can do the ultrasound?”

  She nods and goes back to my folder. “I’ll have it set up for you.” She walks out, closing the door behind her and just like that, the brief happy moment is marred by what ifs. The biggest what if I’m facing is what if this pregnancy isn’t viable. What if, because I was so wrapped up in conceiving, I ignored my body and have hurt my chance at having another baby?

  If that’s the case, Liam is going to hate me.

  We take the morning off to go surfing. After renting a car, we drive out to Harrison’s condo, the one he refers to as an apartment because someone lives above him, to hit the waves
. It’s guy bonding, or whatever you want to call it. We need it. In Beaumont, we’re always doing shit, either together or with the family, and since we’ve been in LA, we go to our separate rooms once we’ve finished working and don’t see each other again until it’s time to leave for the next thing on our agenda.

  As soon as we step out, JD is running toward the water, jumping over the small, decorative picket fence. We can hear him hollering until the ocean drowns him out.

  “He’s like a wind-up toy,” Harrison says, as he opens his condo. Tess is standing there with open arms to greet her son. It’s as if she hasn’t seen him in years when in fact, it’s only been a few months.

  “Hey, Mom,” he says, as he picks her up and twirls her around.

  When he puts her down, I’m next. She comes over to me, placing her hands on my cheeks. “I hear a baby is on his way?”

  “You heard right. Josie and I are adopting.”

  “I’m so proud of you; your grandma would be as well.”

  “Thanks, Tess.” I kiss her on the cheek much to her delight.

  “And Jimmy is already in the water, I see.”

  “He needed a bath,” I say, earning a nice swat across my shoulder.

  “You boys go have fun, I’ll have lunch ready,” she tells us before she disappears down the hall.

  “I don’t know why we didn’t stay here,” I comment to Harrison, and he looks at me like I’m crazy.

  “Could it be the traffic? Or the fact that we’d have to get up at the crack of dawn?”

  “Oh, I have a novel idea, why doesn’t Trixie use some of the money that Moreno is funneling through her club to hire people to fix it up instead of using us? Then we could rehearse here at night and surf during the day.” I waggle my eyebrows at Harrison who ignores me by turning his back and heading toward his large glass wall. This is one of my favorite things about this place. The door collapses, opening wide to the outdoors.

  Just outside the wall is where Harrison keeps all his surfboards and wetsuits, plus anything else you need for the beach. His kitchen patio is state of the art and puts my newly installed outside kitchen to shame. His condo is south enough from LA that it hardly rains, affording us beautiful weather all the time. This is where I’d like to live if Josie ever agreed to move here. Fat chance of that happening after this whole picture shit with Layla.