Hilda - Snow White revisited

by Paul Kater

  The ride home to the castle did not take very long. The queen tossed the driver a handful of coins.

  "Hey, we had agreed same fare," the man protested, "and this is one coin less!"

  "Tough luck, but with the inflation and all that. Sorry," the queen snickered and entered the castle through the secret back door. Rapidly she took a royal bath to get cleaned up. Her stumbling through the forest had left many a green streak on her.

  By the time she was all done and dolled up again, the dwarfs had reached their home, found Snow-White and cut open the laces. Snow-White, strong young woman as she was, slowly started breathing again. This was a very good thing, as none of the dwarfs had ever learnt CPR, and despite the many laws in the country, safety rules and regulations had not been invented yet.

  Hilda, sitting in her home in front of the mirror, nodded with a sly smile around her lips as she saw how the dwarfs seemed to scold Snow-White, who was doing her best to keep her dress up. As the dwarfs had cut up the laces of the dress, her top had the tendency to slip down, and Snow-White did have the habit of gesturing as she talked, triggering many a curious and hopeful peek from the seven little men. Seven, because Sleepy now was wide awake also.

  "Let's hope that's a lesson learnt," Hilda mumbled as she switched channels to the queen's chamber.

  The queen was just getting over the shock of hearing the looking-glass tell her that Snow-White was alive and well, in the house over the hill. "What the hell is it with that wench," the queen whined, "is she a cat with nine lives or so? Well, I am going to make sure she dies, if it kills me!"

  6. Poison

  Hilda wondered what the queen was so worked up about, and for this time she really was about to throw something into the mirror as there was no sound.

  There still was plenty of time in the day, so the wicked witch changed into her normal witchy clothes and headed out to Johan, the mirror-maker.

  "Hey, silver-face," Hilda said as she came in, scaring Johan as well as two customers that were in his workshop.

  Johan prevented a mirror from dropping on the floor. The two customers stared at Hilda, mumbled something and suddenly remembered they had pressing business elsewhere they had to attend to.

  "How's things going?", Hilda asked.

  Johan was smart enough not to take verbal offence to being called silver-face. He knew what he was bringing over himself in that case.

  Johan held up his hand. "The finger is fine again, honourable witch," he said, "and the work on your new mirror is almost done. The last layer of varnish is drying as we speak, so in a few hours the mirror should be ready."

  "Fantastic, mirror-maker. Can you make another one for me? No rush on this order."

  "Of course, honourable witch, that is no problem at all," Johan said, bowing in thanks for the order.

  "Shiny," Hilda said. She reached into one of her pockets and dug up a handful of golden coins. She looked at them, wondered and then took Johan's hand and slapped the money in it. "I guess that's enough?"

  Johan looked at the coins. His eyes were too amazed to actually fall out of their sockets. "Oh, most certainly, honourable witch, for that money you can keep the spare mirror also!"

  "Neat, thanks, but you can have that back. It has no sound."

  "It has no-" Johan frowned. His mirrors never made sound, unless they fell and shattered, so her comment was somewhat unnerving. "-sound?"

  "Nope."

  "Oh." Johan hoped that it would pass without inflicting any damage to his thoughts.

  Luckily for him, Hilda was not in the mood to pursue the subject. "So when you have the first one done, do call by the house and drop it off. I'm really in need of a good mirror."

  Johan stealthily looked the witch up and down. "Oh, I can imagine that, honourable witch."

  Back at the castle, the queen had regained most of her composure. She was near fuming from all orifices that Snow-White was still alive and was plotting a plan that would be sure to kill the girl once and for all. Then a memory came to her. There was some other thing to take care of. One that had obviously let her down in a very unfashionable manner. She went down to the large hall, sat down on her throne and ordered a servant to go and fetch the huntsman...

  The huntsman entered the hall and in a constant bow moved forward as much as he dared. Which was not far. He preferred the vicinity of the door to being close to the mean queen.

  "Right, huntsman. Or should I say... loser? Today I have gone through the woods myself. I went as far as past the hill, to the land where the dwarfs live."

  The huntsman did not dare to look up.

  "And there," the queen continued, her words lashing down on the hunter, "I saw that Snow-White, the same girl I ordered you to kill, was very much ALIVE!"

  The big man cringed. Even holding on to the big knife did not make him feel better.

  "Now... loser huntsman... I want to give you one more chance. Screw that up and you are, as we call it in the royal trade, phuqued for life."

  "Oh, tell me, my queen, and I will follow your orders."

  "Okay, loser huntsman. In the forest, where you neglected to kill Snow-White, there are a certain type of berries. They are poisonous. You know which ones I mean? The little blue ones, with the tiny yellow leaves around them?"

  The huntsman nodded and now dared to face the queen. "Oh, I know, my queen, they are the blue ones, that never grow very high and all the animals don't eat them of course, and they are always near the red flowers that make you so sleepy when you sniff them-"

  "SILENCE. You blabbering fool... Go to the forest and bring me a basket full of those berries. You basket-case..."

  The huntsman was glad he got off this easily. He scurried backwards until he bumped into the guard that stood in front of the door, and then made his way out of the hall and through the long marble corridor as fast as he could.

  The day carried on calmly in most other places. In the village the baker was sleeping, a young yellow witch was hiding in her room, women were weaving and talking, and the poets that had gotten away from the field were gathering in the pub and still attempting to drink away their sorrow.

  The huntsman was stomping through the forest, muttering away as he was trying to fill the basket with berries. The berries were small and hard to find. The basket was large and hard to carry.

  Quirrin the giant gnome was sitting in front of a wide birch and stared at the image that was imprinted in its bark. With a knife he had tried to make the figure look a bit more gnomish but it hadn't really worked out the way he had hoped. He'd also never seen a tree that had red stuff flowing out of it instead of the usual green-yellow sticky goo.

  Hilda was already preparing everything to get the new mirror ready for its new purpose, to be a looking-glass over the kingdom and adjacent areas. The old mirror was on, as just no sound was still better than no anything.

  There was a knock on the door.

  "Who is it?", asked Hilda.

  "If I tell you, will you paint me?", the house asked.

  "You are getting on my nerves," Hilda grumbled as she stepped out of the magical room that she had been working in.

  "Because you're not getting on a ladder to paint me," the house retorted.

  Hilda rolled her eyes and opened the door. "Oh, hey, mirror-maker. That's it?"

  "Honourable witch, it gives me great pleasure to-"

  "Yeah, right, cut the crap and bring it in," Hilda snapped as she saw the package that contained her new mirror.

  Johan cut the crap and carried the mirror into the house. "Where do you-"

  "Over here," Hilda pointed, "and thanks for making it snappy."

  Johan nodded and carefully put the mirror down. Then he unwrapped it, taking the strong ropes off it and removing the thick, soft cloth.

  The new mirror shone and was really a masterpiece. Hilda bent over to look at it carefully, inspecting it for damages and irregularities.

  Johan took the opportunity to look around in the room. It was not ofte
n one got to visit the house of a witch, so this was a treat. His eyes stopped moving as he saw the old mirror. Johan the mirror-maker blinked a few times, but the image of a girl with black hair and pale skin moving through a house remained on the mirror. He took a few steps so he could see more and then he said: "Isn't that-"

  "What?" Hilda looked up. "Hey, no looking there! That's witchy business. Intelligence. Need to know only."

  Johan jumped backwards. "I didn't see a thing, honourable witch, really! That girl doesn't resemble Snow-White in the least!"

  "One word, mirror-maker," Hilda said, her wand under the man's nose, "any one word is fit to be your last, do you hear me?" Soft white light came from the wand and dazzled Johan. "You did not see anything. You delivered the mirror and we're all good friends and now you get the fuck out of here, right?"

  "Yes, honourable witch good friend," Johan nodded sullenly, "I am getting the fuck out of here." With a smile he walked to the door and let himself out. As the door closed behind him, Johan suddenly wondered how he could be standing with his back to the door without a mirror as just a moment ago he had still been here, with a mirror, knocking on that very same door.

  Hilda turned to the cracked mirror and looked at the imagery for a while. Her eyes became large.

  The huntsman had managed to fill the basket with berries. After hauling all ninety lbs of them to the castle, the queen was delighted to see how well he had done. She devastated him by saying that a small basket would have done, she only needed about 200 grams.

  The queen, mean as she was, then retreated with her berries, to her secret room.

  Hilda watched the view of the dwarfish bathroom, where Snow-White had run a full bath for herself. Somehow, Hilda thought, this is odd. You'd expect seven small tubs instead of one big one. Perhaps there was something with these dwarfs that nobody knew. Snow-White hopped into the bath and started cleaning herself up.

  Outside Hilda's view, in the dwarfish living room, five of the original inhabitants were fighting each other for a position at the keyhole of the door to the bathroom. Sleepy wasn't one of them, as he was doing what he did best: sleep. Doc, who had first right to the new, was reading the paper that had been brought to their house by arrow. He was so taken in by the news that he did not notice the suppressed uproar that happened near the door in question.

  Hilda nodded and waved the mirror back to being a mirror. It was time for her to start working on the new mirror. It was a good thing, she thought, that the girl was raised well enough to insure her personal hygiene. She picked up the mirror.

  A yawn made the five dwarfs look up and spread out rapidly, their cheeks red and each one of them fighting the battle of a specific bulge.

  "Heya, guys... *yawn*... what's you all trying to do...", Sleepy said as he walked to the bathroom door. "We have a door, see, much better than trying to climb through a keyhole..." Sleepy shook his head and went into the bathroom. The smirking from five mouths never reached him, as the loud scream and a splash overruled the dwarfish pleasure.

  Doc looked up. "What?" As there was no sensible reply, he turned back to the paper.

  The five others sat on their beds, cooling down and counting the seconds before Sleepy would get out of the bathroom. But the seconds became minutes, and the minutes became fifteen minutes. The five looked at each other in wonder. Sleepy should have been out long ago, slapped over the head with the bath brush or something.

  Finally, after about half an hour, the door opened and Sleepy came out of the bathroom. On his face, almost entirely pushing away the usual sleepy expression, was a smile. A grin two feet wide. He dragged his coat behind him. The buttons of his shirt were undone and he wore his pants backwards.

  "Sleepy? What happened?"

  The smile became even bigger. "I got to wash her back... And then she offered to wash mine... and then..." Sleepy fell face down in his bed and was off the world.

  Only moments later Snow-White came out of the bathroom, looking all happy and refreshed, wrapped in a thick bathrobe. "Hi guys," she smiled, "it's all yours now..." With a very contented look she walked over to Sleepy and crawled on the bed, next to him, wrapping an arm around him.

  A deadly silence started to flow through the room. Then, keeping the silence, the five dwarfs knew they had done the wrong thing by the keyhole. They got up, entirely sobered up and cooled off, and started doing the chores that still needed to be done...

  7. Here's a gift

  The mean queen was regally pissed off that her plan to murder the ungrateful child had failed. "No sense of decency or respect," she fumed, as she had retreated to her special secret room with all the interesting things.

  This time she would not fail, she was certain of that. She'd think something up that would be dead sure the end of the beautiful nuisance. Her gaze went over the table with possible attributes, she needed something that was good for a killing and be inconspicuous at the same time. "Gotcha," the queen said, an evil grin in her face.

  In the castle yard, the king was pacing, wondering how he could get his daughter back. The news that she had run off to the forest and had been killed by a wild animal had made him go crazy first, drunk secondly, and heavy-headed in the end. He was just getting over that last stage.

  The outside air should do him good, the king thought. He had called for the huntsman who was the last person apparently who had seen Snow-White alive.

  "Do you have ANY idea where she might be?", the king asked the huntsman, who was sweating from most pores as he knew more than he was allowed to say by the queen.

  "No, sorry, king sir," the hunter said and wished he was anywhere else.

  "Can't you go out and see if you and some men can find her or not? Or maybe not you but just some other men? Or not?"

  The huntsman was still trying to find his way out of all the negatives when the king's personal lackey came running. "King, king, there's a letter!"

  "About Snow-White?", the king asked.

  "No, sir, it is from one of the neighbouring kingdoms, they want to know when you're able to pop over for a visit," the flunkey said.

  "Oh. Well, I guess not." The king stood in thought for a few moments, trying to kick the alcoholic nebulas away from his brain. After some more moments he turned to the lackey. "Been reading my mail again, have you?" He did not try to lash out to the servant's head, as he was too fat and too tired to try. The man also was too tall, the king would never be able to reach up that high.

  Hilda sighed. The new mirror was done. It had been quite a lot of work to get this big one to work properly, she'd been splashing magic over it in liberal amounts. She took the loaner down from the stand and put the new one up. Her next task was to make some herbal tea. She really was in need of that. Her energy-level had dropped so low that she didn't have enough magic ready to manifest the tea. So off to the kitchen it was for her, and do the old-fashioned handywork for tea. Hilda didn't mind. It had been worth it.

  Doc prodded Snow-White in the rear. "Missy, it's time to wake up, okay? This time we made dinner, but we do hope that tomorrow you'll be able to hold back your urges and make our dinner as we agreed."

  Snow-White looked up at the dwarf and smiled. "Of course, dear Doc." She sat up and kissed him on the nose.

  "Oh, uh, gee," Doc said, blushing all over. "Well, dinner is ready. And served."

  Somehow they managed to wake up Sleepy and then the group sat down for dinner, Sleepy's eyes fixed on Snow-White for some reason, a dumb grin on his face, which annoyed the other dwarfs to no end.

  The evening went on calmly in the house of the dwarfs. Sleepy slept. Grumpy was in not too grand a mood. Snow-White took it on herself to wash clothes, and Happy and Dopey were trying to together a bed for her and intended it to be as far away from Sleepy's bed as they could manage.

  As the little guys had to get up again early in the morning, they all went to sleep soon. In their own beds.

  Hilda's tea had worked miracles in the way she usually did herself. She was a
ll up and running again, with dinner already behind her and the new mirror working like a charm. She saw Snow-White wash clothes and nodded approvingly. The wicked witch saw the mean queen in the castle's dining room with a smile on her face, and knew that this was going to be trouble again. Hilda went to bed early, she wanted to be up in time to make sure the queen was not pulling any funnies without her being on top of them.

  The queen, after dinner, had gone back to her chambers. She looked at the nice little red package that lay on the table. Inside it was the special comb she had prepared for Snow-White.

  "Oh yes, child, that is the perfect gift for you," she chuckled. "Stick it in your hair, touch your scalp with any of the teeth of this sweet little comb, and kablam, down and dead. Done deal, case closed, no more Snow-White and I'm the prettiest one in the house again." She glared at the mirror. "I hope you got that too!"

  The king sat on a chair near a window. He was looking out over the castle wall, to the few the trees that still were visible in the approaching evening. Somewhere the body of his daughter had to be, in there. Silently he cursed the few curses he had picked over the years.

  He hoped that the huntsman would be able to go out there and look for her. He really wanted to see her again, if only a last time. The desperate king looked at a bottle of wine. No. Not this night. It would not be good.

  He got up and went to bed, staring at the ceiling for a long time.

  The next morning, very early, the queen dressed up again. Not as a peddler-woman, but as a regular person. As she was certain there was a bumpy cart-ride ahead, she had stuffed some extra padding in her skirt, at the back. Thus outfitted, and with the package containing the poisoned comb in a pouch, she slipped out the back door of the castle again and found someone who would take her to the house of the dwarfs. This ride was a lot smoother, but still she did not regret the padding.

  The queen was well on her way already, when Hilda woke up. The energy she had used to charge the mirror had drained her and she was not able to wake up sooner than she did. It even took her a while to get herself together, but once she'd managed that, she flew out of bed and raced to the mirror to see what was going on.