Immortal Light: Wide Awake

by John D. Sperry

  “Yes, there’s no other explanation.”

  “There is, actually, another explanation, and you’re partially right. We are in someone’s head, but it’s not yours.”

  Lucy contorted her face in incredulity. “Then whose head are we in, yours?”

  “Yep.” He smiled somewhat sheepishly.

  “What?” Lucy asked, disbelieving.

  Benjamin looked around and gestured to a fallen tree. “Why don’t you sit down?”

  Lucy walked over to him and sat on the large, deteriorating husk of the tree.

  “What is this place?” he asked.

  “Is this a trick question?” she asked skeptically.

  “Nope, no tricks. Just tell me what this place looks like to you.”

  “It’s a rainforest. I know what it is, but why do I keep coming here?”

  “This place is what I call my haven. Everything you see around you is in my head. I’ve created it.”

  Lucy just stared at him.

  “You are in my head right now,” he said, slightly condescendingly, as he looked hard at her.

  “How is that even possible? People can’t crawl into other people’s heads just like that.”

  “I absolutely agree with you. Normally, this is a place that only I am allowed to be in.

  “See, it already doesn’t make sense. If I’m not allowed in your head, then why am I here?” Her tone was patronizing.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know how you got here or why, but here you are, and I’m pretty confused about it, too.”

  Looking into his eyes, she could see on his face that he seemed to believe what he was saying. There was nothing but honesty being projected from him, and Lucy was again losing confidence that it was all her dream.

  Lucy got serious for a second and considered what he was saying. “So, you’re saying that I’m breaking into your mind every time I come here?”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I wanted you to come back, too.”

  Lucy didn’t want to try to make sense of why she was there. She had too many other questions. For now she was willing to accept that she was in his head rather than the other way around. She wanted to move on.

  “So, I somehow made it in here to your … haven?”

  Benjamin nodded.

  “And this is a place made just for you?”

  He nodded again.

  “So why did you want me to come back?

  “I wanted you back because I wanted to see if I could clarify a few things.”

  Lucy crossed her arms. “Like why you killed me the other day?”

  Benjamin looked at her in stunned silence. “Well, I can’t explain that one to you just yet, but I will.” His voice had lost its confidence. He turned around and walked back to the center of the grove. “You know what; I think this was a bad idea.”

  Lucy stood up in a sudden panic and walked toward him. She felt her opportunity for answers beginning to dwindle as he ran his fingers through his hair, concentrating on his thoughts.

  “No, wait! Just tell me about the gift you think I have. I don’t need to know everything about this place; I just want to know about my gift. What did you mean?”

  Benjamin thought for a moment, then focused on Lucy. “Okay, sit down.”

  The two walked back over to the log and Lucy sat again.

  “When you get back, Lucy, out there,” he pointed to the sky. “You need to think about everything you’ve experienced lately that might seem unusual. It’s all related to your gift.”

  She nodded, thinking that it wouldn’t be difficult, considering it was all she thought about anyway.

  “You need to try and develop that gift.” He turned around and walked back to the center of the grove. “I won’t be able to talk to you about any of this out there, so you can’t ask, but try and understand what has happened to you, both in and out of my haven.”

  Lucy nodded again. “I will, but why can’t you tell me anything?”

  “I made a promise. A promise I fully intended to break here tonight, but I realize now that I can’t, so it’s time for you to go. Remember your gift. Not everyone has it.”

  Before she could ask anything else, he was gone, the forest which he had called a haven was reduced to blackness, and Lucy lay once again in her bed.

  Chapter 9

  Ocean mist filled the air on Monday morning. The concourses of students filled all of the common areas of the high school. The ride in her father’s pickup was as comfortable as a cruise on the river Styx, but she preferred it to the unknown scrutiny that awaited her at school.

  “Remember to take to bus straight home. Don’t dilly-dally with Kat or anything else; understood?”

  “Yes.”

  She pulled on the handle and slid until her feet hit the pavement. It seemed as though everyone was staring at her; a spectacle like a circus freak. She could almost imagine them talking about her, though she wasn’t exactly sure what they would be talking about, except that she was one of two people who should probably be dead right now. The pavement was more inviting than the view, so Lucy dug her eyes into the pebbles and dust and headed to the oak tree.

  Kat had been invisible all weekend. She hadn’t called or dropped by to see how Lucy was doing, but Lucy was certain that Kat was just giving her space. Mark, on the other hand, had sent thirty texts in the space of two days—everything from asking how she was doing to telling her he wanted to see her. She left them all unanswered; she just didn’t know what to say.

  At the final moment before reaching the planter, Lucy reached down deep and hauled up enough nerve to look her awaiting party in the eyes. Kat was the only one there. A feeling of relief came over Lucy as her friend greeted her with a hug.

  “How’re you doing?”

  “I can’t believe it was two days ago,” Lucy said. “It feels like it was just last night.”

  “I’m sorry, Luce. Is there anything I can do?” Kat rarely sounded so somber.

  “No, I’m okay. I just can’t get it all out of my head.”

  “I bet not. That was scary. I was scared to death that …” Kat took a deep breath and held it for a second. “I thought you were gone, Lucy, I really did.” Kat squeezed tighter.

  “I did, too.”

  “I don’t get how you guys weren’t even scratched. What happened?”

  Lucy closed her eyes and in a moment the entire event from impact to the grove and back flashed in her mind and she tried to shake it away. “I don’t really want to talk about it, if that’s alright.”

  Kat pulled away and looked Lucy in the eyes. “Of course you don’t have to talk about it. What do you want to do?”

  “I have to go to class. If I skip anymore, my mom will lose it.”

  “Okay then, let’s go to class.” Kat locked her elbow in Lucy’s and escorted her away from the oak tree.

  Mrs. Roth stood at the front of the room writing on the white board as the first bell rang. The usual seat by the window felt comfortable—at least something did. Looking over at the desk next to her, Lucy saw that it was empty; so, she pulled it closer to herself and decided to recline with her feet up on it until class started.

  Lucy closed her eyes and instantly pictured Benjamin’s green eyes penetrating the blackness. It was difficult not think of him after the crash. For some reason her mind was conjuring him up regularly, so she wasn’t going to fight it. She had to figure out why he was such a constant fixture in her dreams.

  As she sat reclined in her two desks with her notebook open on her lap, she sensed someone approach and stand right in front of her.

  “Other than by your extremities, is this seat taken?”

  Looking up, she observed the reality-based version of her fantastic preoccupation. Benjamin was smiling down at her. She was caught in a dumbfounded stupor for a moment.

  “May I sit down?” he asked a little more directly, and Lucy realized he was asking to sit next to her.

  Lucy yanked her legs off the adja
cent chair and sat up straight in her own desk. “Yeah, of course, please.”

  She moved her bag to under her desk and watched as he sat down. Staring was the only thing she could do because it didn’t require the use of her faculties.

  What is he doing? she thought. He’s right here. Should I ask him? No, moron; do you know how stupid that would sound? But, this could be a clue.

  Having situated himself in the chair, he looked at Lucy. “So, how have you been? You’re looking pretty well.” His eyes radiated their emerald gleam as he spoke.

  Still taken by the perfection of his face in both worlds, Lucy didn’t hear his interlude to a conversation and sat silently staring in a daze.

  Benjamin leaned a little closer to her. “You know, this is starting to feel a little bit awkward. Should I go sit somewhere else?”

  Finally she was awakened from her stupor, “No, yes, I mean … I’m sorry, I guess my mind was someplace else.”

  Benjamin smiled immensely as he relaxed back into his seat. Just as Lucy opened her mouth to say something to him, she was interrupted by the second bell. Benjamin already had his notebook out and was vigorously writing notes in pristine calligraphy.

  Mrs. Roth had begun her lecture and there wasn’t a single note written on Lucy’s page. It was difficult to think, let alone get organized, with Benjamin sitting so close. She wanted to talk to him, but he was too engaged in note-taking, so Lucy started with the notes on the board. Her eyes were working overtime because for every glance she made at the board, she made a sideways glance to see if Benjamin was paying any attention to her.

  Every look produced negative results. All she could see was his hand fluidly moving across his paper. Never once did she see his head tilted or turned to look at her.

  You’re being ridiculous, Lucy. You haven’t said a word to him in almost a week. Let it go. He’s only here because Samantha isn’t. It was easy to convince herself that he wasn’t there for her, but for some reason she wanted so badly for him to want to be there in that seat right next to her.

  Elation over Benjamin’s company began to fade as she ruminated over the possibility that he was there only because Samantha wasn’t. She would feign a look at the clock in the back of the room in order to confirm her assumption. The maneuver, while a perfect façade for looking behind her, had another perk: as she rotated, she was able to take in Benjamin’s full upper body.

  His dark hair was as perfect as it had been earlier that summer: black, with the slightest hint of dark burgundy, as the sunlight filtered in the window and bounced off of it. The sleeves of his white shirt were folded up to the elbows revealing that dark skin that she thought only existed on Hawaiian surfers. One thing that Lucy had only barely noticed before was his physique; he was perfectly built, almost like some ancient Roman warrior. It wasn’t so much that he was muscular, because a lot of guys at school were muscular, but it was how well he wore his own flesh. He seemed more comfortable in his skin than other people. But, the thing that amazed Lucy the most about him was that he was the perfect resemblance of his dream version.

  She had dreamt about people before, and they seemed so perfect in the dream, but in real life they were so much less than that perfection. Benjamin didn’t follow that mold. In all of the dreams of the grove, he was perfect. In real life, much to Lucy’s astonishment, he was perfect. And then there were the eyes, those shining emeralds. He could look straight through her with them, and she welcomed it.

  But, then there was the task at hand, the reason she was turning in her seat. She had to be sure of one last thing before she could let herself be comfortable.

  It didn’t take long for her assumption to be validated. Two rows behind her there were two empty seats that had, in every previous class, been occupied by Benjamin and the girl for whom Lucy harbored the animosity of a lifetime. Samantha wasn’t at school. Lucy’s heart and all of her joy sank, but not in shock or surprise. The feelings of failure and disappointment were beginning to feel second nature.

  “Now, I want everyone—that means you, Mr. Simpson—to open to page thirty-seven and discuss the different ways F. Scott Fitzgerald uses imagery in the form of color. We’re about to start into some serious imagery and I want you to refresh your memories as to what that is.” Mrs. Roth’s voice echoed off the high walls of the classroom.

  Glancing over at the desk next to her, Benjamin already had his textbook open to the appropriate page, where a picture of Mia Farrow and Robert Redford lay starring upward.

  “What’s your favorite color, Lucy?”

  For some reason, Lucy didn’t immediately understand the question. What did her favorite color matter?

  “What?”

  Benjamin just smiled. “Well, I’m willing to wager that your favorite color is represented somehow in The Great Gatsby, since Fitzgerald managed to use just about every color known to man in some way.”

  “Oh, uh … I don’t know.”

  “C’mon, yes you do. Everyone has a favorite color. What is it?”

  Lucy thought for a second, giving in to his game. His luminescent green eyes stared back intensely at her and she felt herself being almost hypnotized as she sputtered, “Green.”

  Benjamin gave her an amused grin. She was suddenly embarrassed by her obvious answer. She felt like she’d been tricked. His eyes were so entrancing that she couldn’t think of anything else.

  Not wanting to embarrass her further, he winked at her and stroked his chin, playfully looking to the ceiling as though searching for the correct response.

  “Well, the fact of the matter is that green, in this particular piece of literature, means really only one thing, unlike a lot of the other color images.”

  With just a wink, Lucy felt so comfortable again, like they were old friends. The sense was overwhelming.

  “Okay, then what is that only meaning?” she said with an intellectually inquisitive smirk on her face.

  “I already know what it is; I want to see if you know.” Benjamin looked at her intensely, as if daring her to answer.

  Lucy rummaged through her memories. She had read the novel as a sophomore, but she couldn’t for the life of her remember what the color green meant. She thought of where it appeared in the book and it hit her; it was so obvious.

  “Daisy’s green light at the end of the dock,” she said condescendingly.

  Benjamin leaned in a little further. “Okay, that’s a good start.”

  “A good start!” Lucy said indignantly. “That was more than a good start! I’ll bet I can sum it up better than you can, and I can do it in one little word.” She narrowed her eyes as she made the challenge.

  Benjamin sat back with a look of intrigue. “Hmm, a wager? Interesting.” He stroked his chin again. “I’m willing to accept your wager. But we need to determine the parameters.”

  Lucy relaxed her demeanor as she sat back, confused by his response.

  “What do you mean parameters? You want to set terms for a bet?”

  “Absolutely! You said you would bet, so let’s bet.”

  Lucy was flabbergasted that she had somehow idiomatically extended a challenge to him. “Oh, never mind, I was just going to say …”

  “No! Don’t say it. How about this …” Benjamin held his hands out as if to lay down a set of blueprints. Looking down at his invisible plan, he offered terms for their proposed wager. “If I win, you have to tell me one thing about yourself that someone wouldn’t know about you if they were just a casual friend.”

  Lucy’s interest in the conversation had been rekindled. “And if I win?”

  “I’ll give you the same.”

  His response was so immediate that Lucy’s curiosity about Benjamin led her to agree before she could fully process what she was agreeing to.

  “Deal! But, you have to make it something good.” Lucy held out her hand to accept his terms.

  “Likewise. It has to be something good,” he replied and took her hand.

  As Lucy felt his fingers c
lose around hers, a familiar feeling radiated through her. It was the same sensation of flowing energy that she had felt with Mark the night of the crash, but it was somehow stronger with Benjamin. She looked up to see if there was any sign that he was feeling it, too, but there was nothing.

  Lucy released his grasp and they sat staring at each other. For Lucy it was a moment of pure curiosity over the electric flow she felt with certain people. It was strange, to say the least; but she couldn’t say the least about it, because it just sounded weird. She was glad of one thing, though. This was her opportunity to finally learn something about Benjamin.

  “Okay, so who goes first?” His question finally broke the silence.

  “I think we ought to both write down our answer on a sticky note and then switch.”

  “I think that’s a brilliant idea,” Benjamin agreed enthusiastically.

  Lucy reached into her bag and drew out a yellow pad of sticky notes. Peeling one off, she handed it to Benjamin. The two scribbled quickly and folded their papers in half.

  Benjamin held his out to Lucy. With a skeptical look, she handed him hers.

  Unfolding his paper, she saw, in his neat handwriting, a single word, “Happiness”. Lucy knew in a moment that she had won. It was obvious that the green light represented hope that Jay Gatsby would someday be with his true love.

  “Ha! I win!” Lucy exclaimed excitedly. She looked around at the realization that they weren’t alone in the room. A few other people turned to look, but most people were engaged in their own work.

  Lucy leaned a little closer to Benjamin. “Everybody knows that green means hope; how did you not know that?”

  Benjamin laughed a little bit then looked at her paper. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said as he sat back and relaxed in his chair, resting his right arm on his desk.

  “You lost on purpose, didn’t you?”

  Benjamin looked scandalized. “I did not.”

  “Oh, come on, everybody who has taken American Lit knows that the green light means hope. How is it that you couldn’t recall the most obvious element of symbolism from the entire book?”