Immortal Light: Wide Awake

by John D. Sperry

  Looking at her watch, she saw that it was still twenty minutes to seven. She had a good twenty-five minutes before Kat would even think about being at school and nearly an hour before classes even started, so she decided to kill time by walking a serpentine path up and down every aisle, reading the names on the markers. She had read the names a hundred times in her life.

  At the far corner of the cemetery, just on the fence line, was a large tree whose branches hung down like a canopy. The eastern sun was blinding as she headed toward it. She found a spot on the ground that had miraculously avoided being drenched in morning dew, so she sat down and unpacked her bag.

  In no time, she found what she was looking for: her spiral notebook with her own drawing of the rainforest grove. The sight of it surprised even her at first because it was so perfect. She had drawn it after only one visit, but there it was in all of its accuracy: the trees and the ground cover. Even the golden cardboard backing of the notebook lent itself to being the sunlight that drenched the woods.

  Lucy closed her eyes and leaned against the tree and wished to go back there. She wanted to be with Benjamin, and she wanted to talk with him. He seemed to be the only person she could really talk to.

  As hard as she tried, she couldn’t get back and she knew that the real Benjamin at school wasn’t the same. There was just something about him in the grove that made him more approachable and didn’t make her feel self-conscious. The real Benjamin was different. He hung out with the wrong crowd and the mere sight of him drove her into a stupor.

  “I hope you didn’t run away and only get this far.”

  Lucy jumped at the sound of the familiar voice, a voice she certainly didn’t expect to hear so soon in the day.

  Benjamin chuckled at her reaction. “I’m sorry, I saw you sitting there …”

  “No, it’s okay, I was just … thinking.”

  “Oh, then I’ll leave you to your thoughts.” He turned to walk away.

  “No!” She practically yelled at him. She felt her reaction might have been a little too aggressive, but she thought it might be the only way to keep him from leaving. If she couldn’t have the perfect Benjamin, she would settle for the next best thing.

  He stopped and turned, his expression one of startled concern.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …” She looked at her watch again; 6:46. “What are you doing here so early?”

  “I was just going to go to the library.” He looked down at her perch under the tree. “You want to come with me?”

  She was surprisingly thrilled with the invitation and started packing her backpack as quickly as possible. “Yeah, I’d love too.” She was being too eager again, so she tried to real it back a bit. “I mean, sure, I’ll at least walk with you.”

  “Great. Let me get that for you.” He reached his arm over the chain-link fence, gesturing to her backpack full of books.

  “Oh, no, it’s okay; it’s really heavy.”

  “Well, I did some push-ups this morning, and I’m actually dying to know if I can carry the world’s heaviest bag.” His smile seemed so honest and sincere that for a moment he was the perfect resemblance of his dream self.

  Lucy smiled and hefted her bag over to him placing it in his grasp.

  His face became analytical as he weighed it by bouncing it up and down. “Well, it’s going to be close, but I think I might be able to …” In one swift, effortless motion he hoisted the pack over the fence and flung it over his shoulder. “Yes, I did it. I’m so glad you were here as my witness.”

  The two shared a light-hearted laugh as Lucy rounded the end of the fence to join him.

  They walked side by side in silence for the first dozen paces or so. The silence was not as awkward as Lucy might have expected because she still felt that they were like old friends. She wanted so badly for the real Benjamin to be the dream Benjamin.

  “I read your note,” Lucy said, hoping to somehow prod the conversation in a direction that might lead to the grove or haven, as his dream version called it.

  Benjamin looked down at her. “Well, at least it didn’t find its premature fate in the shallow depths of the recycle bin,” he said, winking.

  He seemed to have so much confidence and charm that Lucy felt ashamed of her actions.

  “Yeah, sorry, I was just … I don’t know.” Her voice was laced with shame again.

  “You don’t need to be sorry. It’s just a piece of paper. But, out of curiosity, what did you think?”

  “Well, I found it confusing and a little bit unfair.”

  Benjamin feigned indignation. “Unfair! How was it unfair?”

  “Well, it just said you would deny everything. That’s not something about you that’s interesting. It just means you’re a good liar, or you have no sense of accountability or something.”

  Benjamin gasped and put his hand on his chest as though he had been shot. “Gah! I’m truly, deeply hurt.” Looking perfectly scandalized when Lucy reacted to him, he smiled at her and made sure she knew he was only kidding.

  “Would you stop that?”

  “Stop what?”

  “Making me feel bad.”

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. But you did just call me a liar.” His permanent smile was unwavering.

  His charm encircled Lucy like a smoke screen and it was hard to be upset with him.

  “Then tell me, what will you deny? What does that even mean?”

  “Well, it means that if you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll just deny it, until you have the whole picture. You see, I’m not just going to come out and tell you everything about me without knowing anything about you. So, how about we start a trade? Yesterday was my day, and today will be yours.”

  It wasn’t nearly what she had hoped to get out of him, but what she was hoping for was too farfetched. The thought of having daily contact with Benjamin, however, was quite appealing to Lucy, so she agreed to play along.

  “Okay, but we have to have rules,” Lucy said.

  “I absolutely agree. What’s rule number one?”

  “You can’t ask anything more than what’s given. If this is going to be a game, then we need to use strategy.”

  “Agreed.” He actually looked a little giddy at her suggestion, as though he would have proposed the same rule if she hadn’t.

  “Rule number two: Let’s just keep this between us.” She hoped that her tone of secrecy came across not as deceit, but rather as a simple little secret.

  “Hmm, so I can’t tell anybody?” Benjamin said with a churlish grin.

  Lucy looked up with eyes slightly wide, trying to hide her panic stricken insides. “Well, I mean … it’s just that … we both have … you know … and it would just be sort of …”

  “I’m just teasing. I absolutely agree with you. It’s just between us.” He clamped his mouth shut, drew a zipper across his lips, mimed it locked, and threw away the invisible key.

  Lucy relaxed again. Every part of her wanted to just grab him and hold him close. She felt as though that would actually be possible and he would be perfectly in accord, but she knew she had to resist her attraction to him.

  Having concluded the ground rules of their game and finally arriving at the library, the two found a table and sat across from each other. Lucy once again unpacked her bag and opened her English textbook. Benjamin sat perfectly upright in his chair and drew a book from his shoulder bag. It was a paperback with well-worn pages and looked to be a hundred years old.

  “What are you reading?” Lucy asked, reaching for anything that would engage him in conversation

  He looked at the cover of his book, then held it up so she could see. The letters of the title and author were well worn, and she could just make out The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas.

  “Have you ever read it?” he asked curiously.

  “I have, actually,” she said with a smile, pleased to be able to answer in the affirmative.

  “Is that a fact?”

  “Yeah,
well, freshman year my mom wanted me to start reading the kind of stuff a high-schooler should read and not the adolescent stuff I was reading. That was the first book she handed me.” Lucy could feel herself rambling, but she wasn’t exactly sure how she should play her taste in literature.

  “I’m impressed. Not many teenagers would read this for fun.”

  “Well, it wasn’t exactly fun. I had to read it with a dictionary the first time.”

  Benjamin laughed supportively. “That, I can truly sympathize with.”

  The two shared a meaningful gaze from across the table, and for a brief moment she saw something she had never seen in Benjamin Raven’s eyes; she saw sadness. A feeling came over her that she had a difficult time deciphering. She wanted to hold him, but not for selfish reasons. In a split second, her entire desire to be with him changed to that of an almost nurturing instinct; she wanted to comfort him, though she had no idea why.

  Lucy held her breath. Every part of her natural instinct seemed at odds with her physical body. For that instant, she was so frozen in time that when her body instinctively reached for air, she broke from her thoughts.

  With a smile, Benjamin sat back perfectly upright again in his chair and focused on his book. Lucy picked up her pencil and felt nothing but the fading sadness she had seen in Benjamin’s eyes.

  As she sat staring blankly at her textbook, the thought came to her that perhaps she should go against her better judgment and see if she could somehow find out if what she was experiencing was at all based in reality. At the very least, she could find out if he, too, was having vivid and strange dreams about her.

  “I believe I owe you.”

  The words didn’t startle him, but he did put his book down and smile curiously at her.

  “How do you mean?”

  “Well, I thought we made a trade agreement.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” He closed his book and put it down on the table. His attention on Lucy was as though he never again intended on picking up the book. He folded his hands in his lap and looked Lucy right in the eyes. “I’m all ears.”

  “Just like that? You want me to just come out with something right here?”

  “Well, I suppose you could write it down, but you have my undivided attention right now.”

  “Okay, I’ll tell you, but remember, you can’t ask any questions after I’m done.”

  “Understood.” His smile was penetrating and contagious.

  Lucy smiled widely and leaned over the table gesturing for him to meet her half way. Benjamin leaned forward and Lucy whispered so that the sound wouldn’t leave the small space between their faces.

  “I have really weird dreams.”

  “I know,” he said with a cunning smirk.

  Lucy’s heart stopped for a moment. A small panic raced through her body. She couldn’t believe he was just going to come out with it. She just stared at him, trying not to give away her surprise at his answer.

  “Based on what I’ve seen you eat for lunch, you must have all sorts of weirdness coming at you at night.” He suppressed a laugh as Lucy’s heart sank a little bit and her face fell back to her books. Benjamin looked instantly contrite. “I’m sorry, Lucy. That was out of line.”

  Lucy flashed him a tight-lipped smile and tried not to let her utter disappointment show. He was obviously not having the same kinds of experiences she was, and she realized he wasn’t really the Benjamin from the grove. He was just Benjamin Raven, the new kid in town.

  “No, don’t worry about it. I guess that’s a stupid thing to say.” She started to pack up her bag.

  “No, it wasn’t. I thought it was a great piece of information.”

  With a look of dejection on her face, she finished zipping up her bag. “I should probably go to class. I’ll see you there.”

  Benjamin stood up as she rose to leave. His eyes followed her as she walked away from him and headed for the door. A look of pain again crossed his face, only there was no one from whom he needed to hide it. She was already gone.

  Chapter 11

  The sun felt warm as it came up and landed on the planter box where the oak tree was. The air, however, felt cold. Summer was over and fall was definitely making its entrance. Lucy sat, staring blankly into space. She saw Kat walk up, but she didn’t acknowledge her arrival in any way.

  “What’s the matter with you, Luce?” Kat threw her bag onto the cement planter box.

  “What do you mean?” Lucy said as she blinked back to reality.

  “You really weren’t yourself yesterday and you look even worse now.”

  “How do I look worse? What does that even mean?”

  “You look really preoccupied or bummed out or something. I mean you hardly said a word to me yesterday at lunch.”

  “I don’t know,” Lucy said. “I guess it’s … I don’t know what it is,” she lied.

  “Is it the wreck?”

  “I guess; I don’t know.” Lucy said apathetically.

  “C’mon, Luce, what’s going on; is it Mark?”

  “No.”

  “Is it your parents?”

  “No.”

  “Is it school?”

  “No.”

  “Then what is it?”

  Lucy knew exactly what was wrong, but it wasn’t a dilemma she could even begin to figure out with Kat, since she had no idea what to do about it herself.

  “I don’t know, Kat, can we just not talk about what’s wrong with me?”

  “Is it Benjamin?” Kat asked cautiously.

  Lucy turned her head sharply. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She responded curtly.

  “It doesn’t mean anything, unless it means something to you.”

  “Are we done? I need to go to class.” Lucy picked up her backpack and headed for English.

  From the moment she was in the door of the classroom, she could sense Benjamin’s presence. She had no idea why she was so aware of him, but sitting in what felt like his aura for nearly an hour was torture. Samantha’s red locks bounced up and down and Lucy hated her. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t so afraid of the truth.

  The bell rang and she ran into the hall and down the stairs as fast as she could. She had to get away from him. Whatever it was that made her so attuned to his presence was significantly less the farther she got from him.

  As she ran out of the building, she headed for the cemetery. It was the only place without people. As she walked she could feel her chest tightening, and the convulsions of crying began before she could even hide herself in the tree.

  Without any restraint, Lucy let the tears roll down her face and she heaved hyperventilating gasps into the air. She dropped to the base of the tree and clenched her fists, wringing them together as she fought to find an answer to her problem. After a few moments, she forced herself to breathe. She closed her eyes and focused on the blackness.

  Just breathe, Lucy. Just breathe.

  She wasn’t going to tell herself that it was all okay, because the truth in her mind was that she was going insane.

  Just relax, breathe. Calm down, just calm down.

  Lucy reached into her bag and pulled out her P.E. t-shirt and wiped her eyes with it. As she felt her breathing return to normal, something else began to slowly envelope her and it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling—it never had been, not all the times she had felt it. She liked it, but she hated it, because she knew she couldn’t have it.

  “Are you okay, Lucy?” his voice said from the fence behind her.

  She knew it was him and she wanted him so badly. Every part of her screamed for him.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I needed to get some air.”

  “Is there anything I can do, do you need anything?”

  “No, really, I’m fine. Thanks. I just need a few minutes alone.”

  “Okay,” he said, and Lucy heard him turn on the gravel and walk away.

  When he was far enough away that Lucy could no longer feel him, she peered around the tree. She saw the
back of Benjamin disappear into a building, his shoulder bag slung neatly at his waist, his left hand gripping the strap the same way she had seen it grip his sword in the haven.

  ***

  The final bell rang at 3:15 and Lucy slowly packed her things into her bag. The room emptied quickly, as it always did after eighth period. Lucy sat staring at her pencil. She knew Mark would be there to escort her to her bus before he had to be at practice.

  “Hey, you okay?” Mark said tenderly as he walked into the room and over to Lucy.

  “Mark …” she said, looking up from her pencil.

  “Yeah, what’s up?” His tone was tender and genuine, which didn’t help her confidence.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  He blinked a couple of times as his eyes contorted in confusion. “You can’t do what?”

  “Us. I can’t do us anymore,” she said, standing up.

  “I don’t understand,” Mark said as he put his hands in his jacket pockets.

  “I’m not in a good place right now. I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to drag you down here with me.”

  “Is it the wreck? Because, I totally understand. I was really shaken up, too.”

  “No, it’s not the wreck; I don’t know what it is. I just can’t do this; not now.”

  “Lucy, whatever it is, I’ll help you through it. I’m right here. I can help you.”

  “I need to figure this out alone, Mark. It’s not you. I’m just not …”

  “If you need space, I can give you that.”

  “I need more than space, I need time. You don’t deserve this. You need to just walk away from whatever this is that we have and move on. I’m not going to be able to give you what you deserve from a relationship.”

  “This is all part of relationships, Lucy. We need to work through the rough times. I care about you, and we’ll get through this.”

  “I can’t love you the way you love me. I want to, but it’s just not possible right now.”

  “What can I do? How can I help you get there? Is there someone else?”

  “You can’t, Mark, and it’s not your fault. You’ve been so great and I love you for that, but you can’t fix me.”