Immortal Light: Wide Awake

by John D. Sperry

  “Lucy, I’ve told you too much; I’m sorry. This is why you need your own haven. This is not your place to find equilibrium, to find focus. Peter can help you do that, but he can’t do that now, and we can’t do it out there.”

  Tears started to well up. She stood and paced the forest floor. “Fine, I’ll do whatever. I just need to get out of here.” She looked at Benjamin, as he was the holder of the key that would get her back to reality.

  “You can’t leave yet. If you wake up feeling the way you do right now—”

  “Just let me out, right now!” she screamed.

  The sound echoed off the trees and throughout the forest as heavy tears coursed down her face.

  “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this.” Her body was beginning to convulse with sobs.

  She stared, pleading with Benjamin, as he stood up and rapidly approached her, taking her into his arms. She weakly struggled to get away, but she knew she didn’t want to get away. She wanted him to hold her; she wanted him to love her back; she wanted him to acknowledge her presence in reality; but, none of that was going to happen.

  Defeat, that killer of confidence and self-worth, took control, and Lucy went limp in Benjamin’s arms. It was over for her. She had lost, and she could feel herself falling away into a deep, dark cavern. She felt Benjamin’s strong arms wrap around her like pillars sustaining her. She could still smell him, the distinctive smell that was unique to him. It didn’t take long for the feelings of despair to go away. The visit would be over and she would be awake in her bed, sane and calm and back to normal, the only evidence of its verity being the crystal clear recollection of the entire event.

  Part II

  Chapter 14

  “Are you okay, there, Goosey? You look kind of sick,” James Higgins asked as Lucy got in the truck.

  “No, I feel fine,” she responded flatly.

  Her thoughts were on Benjamin and the grove. She hated how everything felt so pretend the morning after a night with him. It was all so dream-like, except for how clearly she remembered what had happened. Lucy was so close to accepting that the grove was real. If not for the lack of corroboration with Benjamin in reality, she would have bought in completely.

  As James pulled the truck into the parking area at Sunset Bay for their planned Sunday lunch, Lucy could see that it was already quite full. It wasn’t her idea of a good day, having to avoid kids and dogs in the shallow surf. She would have to find a way to get away from it.

  Scanning the southern arc of the cove she saw in the distance a large, familiar tree trunk that had fallen probably a hundred years before from the cliff above. It was well worn by the tide, and all of the edges had been smoothed. It was her favorite place to go at the bay. She had discovered it as a little girl. She had spent hours just sitting and reading inside the crook of the tree.

  The trunk created a perfectly reclined resting place and as Lucy sat in it, she was able to escape the noise of the beach and absorb the sound of the waves. It was far enough from the parking area that nothing man-made was visible, thereby creating a place that was seemingly untouched by the last two hundred years of industrial and technological innovation.

  Sitting there, she thought about the grove and what it meant to Benjamin, what purpose it served. For him it was a place of contentment and serenity, a place where he could focus and concentrate. With her eyes focused on the horizon, the tide sweeping gently in and out, and the sun warming her skin, she felt all of those things that Benjamin felt in the grove. She knew that if it were actually possible to create a haven of her very own, she would make hers the bay. It was a place that was tied to nearly every happy memory she had as a child and was the only place she had ever found escape.

  Lucy woke from an unexpected and dreamless sleep when a seagull shrieked overhead. Her book dropped to the sand and, disappointed at the wasted time, she reached down to pick it up. The entire day was spent trying to read, but mostly thinking about Benjamin. As she lifted the book, she found herself bathed in the golden light of the already setting sun, and it felt so much like the grove. She closed her eyes, and the sun seemed to fill her with energy like the light Benjamin spoke of. She soaked it in, the sound of the waves rocking her into a state of near hypnosis. All she could think about was Benjamin. She wasn’t angry with him anymore, she wanted to see him; she wanted him there, and then, without warning, he was there.

  “You never cease to amaze me, Lucy Higgins.” Lucy’s eyes shot open at the sound of the familiar voice to reveal the sun-drenched bay, and standing right in front of her, silhouetted by the golden horizon, was Benjamin. She had thought of him and somehow he was there.

  “What, are you following me now?” she said, standing up.

  Looking around, she noticed that all of the people that had been playing on the main beach were gone, there wasn’t a soul to be seen, and she turned back to face Benjamin.

  “Well, it’s hard to resist when someone is calling you.”

  Lucy was confused by the disappearance of people on the beach and by just about anything Benjamin ever said to her.

  “But how did you know I was here?”

  “Do you know where here is, Lucy?”

  She looked around and gave him a look of perplexity, questioning why she had to tell him where he was, since he had made it there of his own volition. She looked back to her parents’ usual resting place up the beach and there was no one there. She knew she was still at the bay, but it wasn’t exactly the same. Then it hit her, and she felt apprehensively at her left side. Her hand immediately touched the cold, hard, metal handle of a sword. She could tell instantly, without even looking, that it was hers, the very same from the night before.

  “Is this …?” Lucy didn’t dare say the word for fear of sounding completely presumptuous and stupid.

  “Yes, I believe so. It’s got all the makings of a great one, too,” Benjamin replied.

  “This is actually my … haven?”

  Benjamin nodded with an excited grin.

  “But, how did I … I mean, I wasn’t even trying.”

  “I told you, Lucy, you’re amazing. It took me days to build mine this stable. Peter actually got quite frustrated with me. He had his made in a matter of hours, but I always remind him that his teacher was a real high priest. He hates that.” Benjamin maintained his broad smile.

  “Then how did you get here?” Her tone was somewhat accusatory as she recalled the events of the previous night.

  “You invited me here.”

  “How did I do that?”

  “Well, to call someone to your haven, you have to focus on them …” he looked at her with a mischievous grin, “… quite intensely, actually.”

  Lucy could feel herself blush, so she started to walk around the bay back toward where her parents should have been. The detail was unbelievable. The smell of the ocean and the feel of the sand under her feet were perfect. She kicked off her shoes and walked into the foamy surf. It was as cold as the Oregon coast always was. It was perfect. The pebbles on the beach were perfect; the sand dollars half-buried were perfect. Everything was real, and it was all hers. Lucy felt a sense of ownership for her haven, like it was her own home, even her own kingdom, and she was ruler and steward over all of it.

  As they walked along the coastline, Lucy could feel clarity of mind and the sense of respite from the world that she felt in Benjamin’s haven, but it was so much more powerful. Lucy was well aware of where Benjamin stood behind her; she could sense everything. As she thought about everything he had told her in the grove, she understood all of it. There was no mystery. She knew that Benjamin had been honest and it all made sense. But, as every subject seemed to drop one by one off her list of concerns, there was still one that didn’t make any sense at all to her.

  “Benjamin, why can’t we talk about this out there?”

  She stopped and sensed him three or four paces behind her. He stopped as well.

  “Why are we confined to these havens? Wh
y are we not doing this out there?”

  She waited for an answer, and when it didn’t come, she didn’t have to turn around to know that he was already gone. As she turned to look for him, the sound of children playing in the sand and water again filled the air. While looking out over the ocean, the sun almost completely set, leaving an orange fire lighting the sky. Lucy headed back to where her mother was waving for her to return.

  Having spent a great deal of Sunday in her newly formed haven, Lucy decided to try to get to it when away from the beach that night. She wasn’t exactly sure how to get there. Absolute relaxation and concentration were probably key factors, since that’s how she got there the first time. Lying down on her bed, she closed her eyes and concentrated on the beach. She tried to rebuild it in her mind. She listened for the tide and the seagulls. There were a number of times when she could almost hear them, but she just couldn’t make it tangible. She struggled even more, and when it didn’t happen, she became frustrated and sat up.

  One more time; just relax, focus. One more time; you can do this, she thought to herself, then lay back down.

  The darkness of her eyelids was her canvass, and she painted with her mind the images of the beach and the bay. Through the blackness, there was gold beginning to shine, a golden light that was so familiar. She was doing it. She could see it coming into focus. Blurry foam was coming into the picture, she could see it come in and go out. Nothing was clear yet, but it was coming. She pushed for sounds and ambience, but as she did, she felt it starting to slip away.

  No, please. Come on.

  It started to fade; she couldn’t do anything to stop it. The harder she focused, the more she tried to force it, the darker the image became, and before she could stop it, it was gone.

  “Damn!” she whispered to herself as she sat up again. “Why can’t I DO THIS?” She growled, slamming her hands on her bed.

  “Everything okay, Sweetie?” Her mother’s sudden appearance at Lucy’s bedroom door startled her.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. I just, uh, forgot to do this thing for school. I’ll just have to get up early and get to the library. No big deal.”

  Laura smiled at her daughter. “Well, it’s almost ten. You should get some sleep if you’re going to get up early.”

  “Okay, mom. Goodnight.” Laura left the doorway and Lucy rested backwards again on her pillow, staring at the ceiling in frustration until sleep finally crept in.

  The light of the grove was almost identical to her own haven, but being back in the grove was aggravating in and of itself. It was almost as if Benjamin was bragging. He could make his haven stable and she couldn’t, so he was going to gloat.

  Looking around the grove, she didn’t see him at all.

  That’s right, you’d better hide.

  She reached down and gripped the handle of her sword, slowly turning a full three--hundred and sixty degrees. He had to be there somewhere.

  “Benjamin!” she called to him. “Where are you?”

  West was the only direction she knew, so that’s where she headed, but before she could reach the thicker part of the forest, she heard a voice from behind her.

  “Lucy, you’re here.”

  It wasn’t Benjamin. It was a voice she had heard only once, but she was fairly certain who it was.

  Lucy turned around to see the very pleasant, but academic, face of Peter Raven. He was wearing a black jacket identical to the one he wore to her house. She looked for a sword, assuming he would also be wearing one, but there was nothing at his side. But, looking over his shoulder, she saw a long handle jutting out from behind him. It was wrapped in black fabric of some kind, and she knew, having studied Japan in middle school, that his sword was the long arching katana of the Samurai warriors.

  “I’m glad you made it.” His fatherly demeanor was pleasant and, in spite of his young face, reminded her a great deal of her own father.

  “Hello, Mr. Raven.” It felt awkward to call him Mr. Raven, but all things considered, Lucy didn’t know how to address someone she had met only once and who was a colleague of her father.

  Peter put up his hands and laughed, “You don’t have to be so formal. Peter works just fine for me.”

  He approached her genially with his hand out. Lucy grasped it and he shook it firmly. His light was so strong that is seemed to give her an instant burst of confidence.

  “Where’s Benjamin? Shouldn’t he be here?”

  Peter smiled warmly and looked over his shoulder to the eastern edge of the woods.

  “Benjamin is going to, uh, stay out of our way.” He winked at her, and she couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Okay, so, Benjamin told me you built a pretty solid haven already; that’s amazing.”

  Lucy let out a frustrated sigh. “I did that one time, or at least I’m pretty sure I did. But, last night when I tried it, I couldn’t even get close.

  “Well, Benjamin said it was impressive.”

  “Then why can’t I get it now?”

  “Where were you when you built it?”

  “Well, that’s the funny part. I was actually in the same place, I mean in the real world and in the haven.”

  Peter threw his head back in grand realization. “Oh, you were physically in the location that inspired your haven?”

  Lucy nodded her head.

  “Well, that explains it. It’s easier when you’re there. You don’t have to create so much. The ambience, for example, is already there.” He looked sideways at the trees in thought.

  “Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do.” He gestured Lucy over to the center of the clearing. “I want you to lie down on your back. I’m going to just sit over there on that log, and try to stay out of the way. I want you to do everything I tell you, okay?”

  Lucy nodded again and laid herself down in the center of the grove. She heard Peter jog over to the tree and when he stopped, she waited.

  “I want you to close your eyes and stretch your hands out to either side.”

  Lucy obeyed.

  “What do you feel?”

  She felt around with her fingers. There were small branches, leaves, thick blades of grass, but somehow she knew that was not what he wanted to know. She held her hands still, and then she felt it. Coming up from the ground, she could feel energy. It was just like the light she felt from Benjamin and Peter, but much more faint.

  “I can feel the light.”

  “Excellent. I want you to focus only on that for a moment. You’re going to need that.”

  Lucy lay still as the light energy intensified and she could feel it covering all parts of her body. It was almost like being in a bath as the water slowly rose over her. It came up her arms and legs, up her sides, and over her torso and chest. She felt the warm, electric sensation on her face and absolute joy filled her entire being. She wanted to laugh and cry and dance, but she obeyed Peter while quietly enjoying the sensation.

  Peter’s voice came again, softly so as not to cause too much of a distraction. “Now think about your haven. Build it element by element. Start with something simple and familiar.”

  Lucy thought of the sand on the beach, how the grains felt to the touch. She could feel the leaves and grass under her fingers change texture and suddenly she was feeling sand all around her.

  The next time he spoke, though it was clear, it sounded distant. “That’s perfect, Lucy. Now, add something else. Make it something related to what you just imagined, maybe the two things touch or combine.”

  She immediately thought of the waves. How the cold water would send chills up and down her back just by stepping into them. Without warning, she felt icy water tickle her feet, and instantly she heard the sound of the shore. It was so clear that she was certain she had made it back, but she didn’t dare open her eyes; she didn’t want to lose it.

  Peter’s voice was even more distant, yet it was perfectly audible. “Keep your mind on the haven; focus every ounce of the light on the details.”

  The dar
kness started to get lighter under her eyelids; she could feel the warmth of the sun on her face, the cool of the waves at her feet and the grit of the sand on her skin. It felt firm and stable. She wasn’t sure if Peter had stopped prompting her or if she just couldn’t hear him because she had made it; but, regardless, she decided to open her eyes.

  It was a slow process. She didn’t want to lose what she had, but she was fairly certain she wasn’t going lose it—there was too much definition to where she was. As she cracked her lids, the extreme energy of the sun radiated down on her, causing her eyes to adjust.

  Outlasting the required seconds for adjustment, she saw nothing but blue and orange in the sky. Snowy white wisps of clouds outlined in orange floated overhead, and as she stood up, she was back at the bay, and once again, every detail was perfect. She was back and she was filled with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.

  For the rest of the night, she worked with Peter on techniques to make her haven more stable. It was difficult to do, but Lucy could feel herself improving. By the time she was done, she could, with a modicum of absolute focus, get back to the bay as she pleased. Her last trip alone was spent collecting sand dollars and thinking about the events in her life that had transpired.

  Then, she started to think about Kat. She had pushed away the one person who had stood by her and sacrificed relationships with boys just to strengthen their friendship. Lucy realized just how selfish she had become. If the roles had been reversed, Kat would never, not ever, have pushed Lucy away. Kat Caldwell was one of the most caring and selfless people in the world.

  Memories of their friendship flashed in her mind. For every tragedy that had ever occurred to Lucy, Kat had been the one to bring over Oreos and candy and just listen to the plight of a girl who had been grounded or had received a B- on a test, or had never been kissed. Kat was always there.

  Looking out over the ocean as it rolled into the bay, Lucy heard the sound of seagulls as they screamed in the wind. Their familiar cry was one of the soothing sounds Lucy enjoyed at the beach. But then there was a sound that she didn’t recognize. It was a different kind of cry, but it came from down the beach.