Immortal Light: Wide Awake

by John D. Sperry

  “Well, you’re her boyfriend; shouldn’t you know where she is at all times?”

  Benjamin waited a moment before responding. “I wouldn’t say I’m her boyfriend.”

  Lucy was perplexed. “Of course you are. You’re always together; what would you call it?”

  “I don’t know. I just figured she needed a friend.”

  “What?” Lucy coughed, choking on her own saliva. “She doesn’t need any friends.”

  “Yeah, I gathered that much.”

  “Then why are you with her?”

  “She just wanted to show me around the school that first day, so I didn’t say no.”

  “But you hang out with them all the time.”

  “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I just sort of do what they do.”

  Lucy was getting really confused by the entire conversation. According to him, he wasn’t dating or even “with” Samantha. So, that meant something Lucy didn’t dare consider. Not only had Samantha not had the upper-hand the whole time, but Benjamin actually considered himself available. And, trying not to hope for too much, Lucy believed that all that was going on in the havens, if they were real, gave her the true upper-hand.

  They ascended the stairs to class and Lucy decided to make one more bold move. “So, do you want to sit by me in class today?”

  It sounded so junior high coming out of her mouth, like asking a boy out when you knew “going out” was going to be holding hands between classes because there was no way your mother was going drive the two of you to the mall and leave you there.

  Benjamin looked down at Lucy, “Sure. I’d love to.”

  Lucy’s heart fluttered and, for the first time, everything felt right.

  At lunch Lucy didn’t have time to stop and tell Kat, but she passed her a note that hinted at what had transpired that morning between her and Benjamin. When Lucy met Kat after school to walk to the car, Kat was already demanding details.

  “Well, it was weird,” Lucy responded. “He just sort of came out with it that he wasn’t ever really going out with Samantha; he just hangs out with them because he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Kat exclaimed rather incredulously.

  “I know, but that’s what he said.”

  “Oh my gosh, I’m starting to really like this guy.”

  The parking lot was rampant with cars exiting the grounds, since the weather was no longer conducive to hanging out.

  “So what are you going to do about it?” Kat asked as they buckled into the car.

  “I don’t know yet. I’ll let you know if anything happens tomorrow.”

  The two girls laughed as they pulled onto the wet roads of Coos Bay.

  ***

  Lucy spent every morning with Benjamin. It didn’t take long for news about Lucy’s arm-holding walk with Benjamin to spread to Samantha, because she began to ignore him. There was no violent break up. All Lucy heard about it was from Kat, who told her that Samantha thought Benjamin was a great guy, but he never really seemed committed enough to her, so she had to give up on him. Considering Samantha’s track record with news-worthy breakups, she actually acted like a decent human being. But, in the end, all Lucy cared about was that Samantha was done with him and she could move in.

  There hadn’t been any hand-holding or flirtatious arm-in-arm walks, but their time had been spent in absolute mutual appreciation of each other. Lucy felt that connection she had always felt with him. She wanted to be near him, and she took every opportunity to make that happen, but she wasn’t getting the exact vibe from him that she had hoped for. She couldn’t sense that he wanted to make their relationship, whatever it had become, into anything more than friends. The kiss in the grove was always foremost on her mind, and since she had the chance to be close to him on a more intimate level—though not as intimately as she would have liked—she wanted to know what that meant to him.

  “How long did it take you to build your haven?” She asked the question straight out while sitting in the library one morning, staring at the notes she was writing in a spiral notebook, her heart pounding.

  Benjamin, likewise scribbling in a notebook, stopped writing for a second then responded, “I’m sorry, what? Were you talking to me?”

  Lucy stopped and caught his inquisitive eyes. Be strong; don’t back away now, you’ve already got it out there, just go.

  “Uh yeah, I just wanted to know how long it took you to build your, uh, haven.”

  His look of confusion was so genuine that even if he were trying to deny any knowledge of it, he could never have disguised it that well. Lucy’s heart beat harder as she had to consider how to abort her mission.

  “I don’t understand the question. What’s a haven?”

  Lucy’s confidence was instantly shot; a rush of a million emotions hit her. She was devastated.

  It wasn’t real. Nobody lies that well about something so, so … so stupid, she thought to herself in an internal torrent of pity. All she wanted to do was crawl under a rock and die, but she had to cover up what she had said, she had to make it right.

  “Oh, it’s nothing. I forgot you weren’t at this school last year. It was just something we did in science class; we had to design a place …” She went back to scrawling in her notebook. “It was just this thing that popped into my head, no big deal.”

  “Oh, sounds interesting.”

  “Yeah, it was pretty cool.”

  Trying not to show her internal woes, she returned to her work. Again, all Lucy could think about was what a tormented girl she was and how she would have to continue walking through life knowing she wasn’t actually going to live out her delusional fantasy with the boy of her dreams.

  At lunch she dragged Kat out to the cemetery and told her everything, surprisingly enough, without tears and as though it were just another setback in a long string of disappointing events that made up her life.

  “Lucy, I know that’s a setback for you, but so what? So it’s not real, it doesn’t matter.”

  “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Lucy lashed out at Kat.

  “What I mean is that regardless of what’s going on in there, you have him out here. You hang out with the guy you’re madly in love with and you don’t have to wait until night time so you can dream about him. So you didn’t kiss him, big deal, but you still can. It’s okay to live that life in there, fantastic as it is, but you can’t forget what you have out here.”

  There were so many ways to interpret what Kat was saying, but Lucy didn’t particularly feel up to taking them any way at all. She was defeated, so she simply acknowledged that perhaps Kat was right, and the two girls finished their lunch and walked back to school.

  Frustration—her new best friend—was back. Weeks passed and Lucy found herself only visiting her haven once or twice in a dozen days. She no longer had the urge to be a part of that world. She decided that it would be wise to simply focus on one life at a time. She chose reality. Benjamin, though never seeming like he wanted a relationship, was always there for her. He was a perfect gentleman and seemed to truly enjoy her company, and it was better than a fantasy, a dream she had concocted for no reason at all.

  Chapter 15

  Near the end of November, Lucy had left the haven in the past and hadn’t been to it or the grove in weeks. The social aspects of school had almost returned to the forefront of her Friday nights, and with the last home football game approaching, there was a dance to consider. All Kat could talk about for days was the Homecoming dance. She and Dave were going, but Lucy had no plans at all.

  Lucy couldn’t be heartbroken over not being asked by Benjamin because, despite the fact that she had spent every morning with him, there was seemingly nothing more to it than mutual friendship. Kat supposed that Lucy had just gotten complacent and satisfied. Lucy couldn’t really argue because she had no real urge or desire to push for anything more. He was a great way to start the day, and that’s all he would probably eve
r be.

  Regardless of having no date and despite a serious amount of protest, Kat had managed to get Lucy over to her house the night of the dance to help her get ready.

  Just as Lucy got Kat’s hair perfect, and before the dress was to go on, Kat sat in front of the mirror in a pair of running shorts and one of her father’s t-shirts admiring Lucy’s masterful work from every angle.

  “That’s perfect! How do you do that?”

  Before Lucy could answer, the buzzing of Kat’s cell phone roused both girls from their fawning over Kat’s coiffure. Kat ran to check the caller ID.

  “It’s Dave!” she exclaimed with a playful giggle.

  Lucy smiled excitedly for her friend.

  “Hello, darling.” Kat tilted her head to the side with the smile of a love-struck angel.

  Lucy watched as that smile faded to concern, and then to disappointment.

  “No, I totally understand.” She paused as Dave finished. “Okay, goodbye.”

  Her demeanor was calm and composed as she set her phone down and gave a half-hearted smile to Lucy.

  “What happened; is he not coming?”

  Kat shook her head and blew her bangs up with a long sigh. “He just broke up with me.”

  Lucy sat in stunned silence, not knowing how to respond to the news. Kat had rarely been dumped, so Lucy was more than unsure; in fact, she was curious about how Kat was going to react. She watched while Kat walked back to the bathroom, picked up her eyeliner and put on the finishing touches to her make-up. She then proceeded to her closet.

  “What are you doing?” Lucy asked.

  Kat turned around with two dresses; both were satin, floor-length thin-strapped gowns with crisscross beading covering the bodice and a pleated bust. One was a beautiful dark crimson, the other beautiful shade of champagne. Kat walked them over to the bed and laid them down. Her smile had returned as genuine and bright as ever.

  “Which one do you want?” She put her hands on her hips and looked excitedly at Lucy.

  “You still want to …?”

  “Go to the dance? Heck yeah, it’ll be fun.”

  “But Dave just …” Lost again for words, all Lucy could do was gesture to the phone sitting on the dresser.

  “Well, the reservation is in my name at the restaurant, and I just happened to buy a backup dress,” she shot a smirk across the room, “so you’re going as my date.”

  Her excitement and lack of heartache over Dave—the boy she had dated probably longer than any other—was mindboggling.

  “Why do you still want to go? I mean, he just dumped you.”

  “Oh, come on, Lucy, we don’t need guys. I’m not heartbroken. I could see this coming. He’s been wanting a little more from this relationship than I did, if you know what I mean,” she flashed a disgusted look to Lucy, “and he knew I wasn’t going to give it to him. I totally expected this.” She threw her arms up, “Not on Homecoming, but what’s a girl to do, right?”

  Lucy just stared in amazement at the resilience of her friend. Other than being ignored, nothing ever got to Kat; she was a trooper and she was to be admired.

  “So, are you coming or what?” Kat gave Lucy only enough time to shrug her shoulders in bewilderment. “Of course you are. You’re going to look fabulous in this one.” She reached across the bed and pushed the champagne colored dress into Lucy’s arms. “I’ll take the red one.”

  All Lucy could do was stand there, “But I …”

  “Oh my gosh, you’re totally right, come here.” Kat said, putting both hands on Lucy’s shoulders, pushing her into the bathroom. “We need to fix you up. Let’s just hope I can do half as good a job as you did with me.” Seeing herself once again in the mirror, Kat did another turn to admire the work, “My gosh, that’s lovely.”

  Both girls laughed as Kat tore into her makeup bag.

  ***

  At the door of the gymnasium, Kat and Lucy were greeted warmly by parent volunteers and given Dave’s tickets, where he had graciously left them for Kat to use. Since admission came with pictures, Kat decided that she and Lucy might as well do those, too.

  Inside the gym, the décor made it look like anything but a gymnasium. Lucy, having never been a to a formal dance before, had entertained images of streamers hanging from the basketball hoops and the dance floor being covered with the painted lines of the various games played on the surface. But, the dance committee had done an amazing job creating a faux ceiling from yards and yards of fabric, to simulate an almost tent appearance, and the basketball court had been covered with a beautiful parquet dance floor.

  The DJ stand stood at the far end of the room, as it had before, and under the lights and hanging disco ball were hundreds of their peers dressed to the nines, jumping and bouncing like kangaroos to music that was all too familiar to both girls.

  Looking around, they saw all of their usual acquaintances hooked together, arm in arm and sometimes face to face, with their dates. Kat’s bubbly excitement was contagious as they walked onto the dance floor. The bass was easily felt under their feet as the two began to join in the fray of jumping teens.

  Both girls were laughing and smiling as the high tempo music rocked the gym. When the music died down after three songs, a slow song started and the girls retreated to the sidelines.

  “I guess this is why guys are necessary; we can’t really do the slow dances,” Kat said, still pumping her arms to the beat of the previous song.

  “It’s okay, I need to catch my breath anyway,” Lucy replied. “We should see what they have to drink; I mean Dave did pay thirty bucks a ticket.”

  Kat squealed with a vindictive laugh and the two walked briskly to the refreshments table.

  A spread of various soft drinks mixed with fruit juices, cookies of every kind, and, “Chocolate!” Kat all but screamed.

  She ran to the end of the table, demonstrating her masterful prowess at running in stilettos. Lucy followed as Kat delicately picked out some of her favorite truffles.

  “Holy cow, save me some, will ya?” Lucy laughed at her friend.

  Just then she felt someone touch her shoulder. Turning her head to see who it was, she fell into Kat as she lost her balance because right in front of her, dressed in a tapered black suit that fit him like the proverbial glove, a gleaming white shirt, and a slender black tie, was more than the realization of a dream, he was perfect in every way. Benjamin reached out and grabbed Lucy by the elbow before she could knock Kat into the bowl of chocolates she had been pouring over in a fit of delightful avarice.

  “Careful.” He picked her up with ease and righted her back on her high heels.

  He looked more amazing in a plain suit than most boys his age could ever look, no matter how much or how little they wore.

  As Lucy felt herself stabilize on her feet again, she brushed the hair out of her face and managed to speak.

  “What are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming.”

  “It’s funny you ask, because I got a mysterious phone call today from a strange sounding woman—I think she might have been choking on something—who said that …” He looked up to the ceiling and stroked his chin a few times as if in pensive concentration, “How did she put it? Oh yeah, if I didn’t show up to the Homecoming dance and ask Lucy Higgins to dance, that I would suffer a million painful deaths at the hands of the most vicious individual to ever set foot in Coos Bay. I think that’s what she said.”

  Lucy turned to Kat and growled, “Backup dress, huh?”

  A mouth full of chocolate, Kat indicated to herself innocently.

  Lucy had been set up by a cunning foe, and as much as she wanted to grab the man in front of her and carry him away forever, she was going to shift the game by playing the game master.

  “Well, I’m sorry, Benjamin, but I came with someone and I’m not about to abandon that date just because you think a dance with me will save your life.”

  Lucy smirked at both of them and folded her arms.

  Kat chimed i
n before Lucy could enjoy the moment. “Nah, I’m over you. I found a new date,” she said, then shoved Lucy directly into Benjamin, who was forced to catch her once again.

  With arms wrapped around her, Lucy savored being close to him, and as his hands touched her back, she felt his light flow between them. She was already lost in him, so when he asked, “May I have this dance?” Lucy obliged and allowed him to walk her onto the dance floor.

  Arm in arm they stopped on the edge of the large swaying crowd and faced each other. Benjamin moved in slowly, placing his right hand at Lucy’s waist, he took her right hand in his left. The energy of the light was stronger than ever and Lucy was incurably lost in it. She looked up into Benjamin’s eyes and started following as he swayed them in a small circle. She immediately recognized the motion as a subtle waltz, not having realized the three-beat time signature of the music.

  “You must have danced before,” she said, feeling his prowess.

  “No, not really, I think I’m just following your lead.” He stayed locked on her eyes as they turned in a small circle.

  There was so much Lucy wanted to express to him in that moment as they danced the simple steps. She wanted to tell him that she had been wanting to be with him for a very long time. She wanted him to know everything. She wanted for all of it to be real and if it wasn’t going to be real, then she wanted to make it as real as possible, because twirling there in his grasp, as illogical as it sounded, she knew she loved him. Despite what he may or may not have insinuated, she knew he loved her back. It didn’t make sense, because he had never even come close to expressing it, except for the kiss in the grove, but she knew he loved her, too. She could feel it, so she started small.

  “Benjamin.” She looked at the knot of his tie as they continued to spin slowly.

  “Yes.”

  “I need to tell you something, and it might sound weird, but …”

  “Lucy, there isn’t anything you could say to me that would sound weird, but I need to tell you something first.”

  “No, just wait a minute, just let me get this out or I’ll never forgive myself.”