Mine to Lose

by T. K. Rapp

  “From what you’ve told me, Trey is a nice guy, but you’ve known him what, a few months? You just got out of this thing with Ryan, so take it slow. Okay?”

  She has no idea how slow I’m going to take it, as in, we’re never leaving the station. “I’m in no rush for anything. Trust me.”

  * * *

  Trey called earlier today to let me know that he would pick me up at six thirty. I almost backed out by telling him that I didn’t feel well, but something told me that I needed to enjoy one last night out before I start telling everyone what’s going on. Besides, he promised me a night of fun, and I really need this. I just need to remember not to drink anything, and hope that nothing makes me nauseous. He said to dress comfortably, which is perfect because I can wear my favorite jeans with my cream colored off the shoulder sweater. I’m not sure if this is an indoor or outdoor thing, so I need to remember to bring my jacket with me.

  My makeup is done but I keep running back to the mirror to figure out what I want to do with my hair. I pull it into a ponytail, only to remove it and tousle the ends because neither look is making me happy. I’m not nervous about this date; I’m looking forward to it, if only because I won’t have another one for a very long time. I figure this is as good as it’s going to get, so I grab my jacket and purse before walking into the living room.

  Joss is heating something up in the microwave and looks over to see me dressed and ready to go. “You look good, Em. I mean, like, you look happy or something.” There it is again; thank God no one can put their finger on it yet. “Where’s he taking you?”

  “I have no clue. He said dress casual,” I inform her as I dab lip-gloss on.

  “By the way,” she says turning to me, “your sister called a bit ago, but I didn’t get to the phone in time. I’m not sure if she left a message.”

  I pull my phone out to check for missed calls, and there’s one from her, but no message. “Huh, I didn’t even hear my phone ring.” I toss my phone back into my purse. “I’ll call her later. She wants me to go home to help with her wedding plans. I don’t think she realizes that I’m not all excited about wedding plans at the moment.”

  “Why don’t you just tell her that?”

  “Because she’s my sister and I really am happy for her, and Reid is a great guy. I’ll be fine,” I assure her, just as there’s a knock at the door. I move to answer, but Joss puts her hand up, halting me.

  “Don’t be so eager; you act like you’ve never been on a date before,” she teases.

  “No one has dated as much as you,” I remind her and she laughs as she throws the door open.

  “You must be Trey, c’mon in.” She steps aside to give him space. “I’m Joss,” she says as she closes the door behind him.

  “I’ve never seen this guy before, Joss.” My eyes are wide with concern and she looks worried. “Just kidding. Have any problem finding the place?”

  We both start laughing while Joss shoots daggers in my direction. She should know better than to just open the door to strangers like that; serves her right, and I still owe her for what she put me through the other night. Trey walks over to officially introduce himself to Joss, who turns to mush when he shakes her hand. The first time I laid eyes on the guy, even though I didn’t know who he was, I knew he was her type. Her type being male and alive.

  We talk for a few minutes before he announces that we have reservations at a restaurant and I find myself suddenly famished. Lucky for me, we get to a quaint Italian place, just outside of town, and our table is ready when we arrive. Every time I’ve been with Trey, it’s been work related, but tonight the conversation is easy. We joke as though we’ve known each other forever and there’s no mention of relationships, Ryan or work; it’s a true get-to-know-you first date.

  “Where do your parents live?” An innocent first date question, but for me, it’s a nasty story.

  “No clue where my father is, he left a long time ago. My mom lives in Provo, that’s where I grew up.”

  “Your sister’s really nice. How long have she and Reid been together?”

  “You remembered his name?” I ask rhetorically. “They’ve only been together a few months, but she said they just knew they were meant to be. She’s getting married in February.”

  “Wow, they’re wasting no time.”

  “Yeah, my mom isn’t a big marriage supporter. She and my dad had a rocky relationship, so now she thinks it doesn’t work for anyone.”

  “She never wanted to remarry?”

  “She’d say no, but the string of guys she’s dated says otherwise. She throws herself completely into it on the first date, and is crushed when it ends. Then she drinks for a month solid before landing the next winner.” I’m not sure why I just admitted all of that to him; I just seem to have word vomit right now. He nods his head, acknowledging my admission before he speaks.

  “She dating anyone now?”

  “Why? You interested?” I tease with a laugh, “Yeah, apparently some loser. Lang doesn’t like him at all, and I haven’t had the pleasure. I don’t know what it is about him, but she thinks this guy is bad news.”

  I hear my phone buzz in my purse so I excuse myself to look at the screen and it’s from Langley.

  Langley: Call me

  Trey is watching me closely with a concerned look on his face. “Everything okay?”

  I tuck the phone back into my purse, “Yeah, just Lang checking up on me.”

  “Y’all are close, huh?”

  “She’s my rock, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I love my mom, but when she was too messed up to take care of us, Lang stepped up and did it all. She’s amazing, which is why I will do anything for her.”

  Our dinner comes out and looks amazing, but my feeling of hunger fades and I can only manage to eat a few bites. Trey ordered some wine, but I told him that I’m allergic to the sulfites, so I wouldn’t have to drink. The waitress brings us our check and I assume the evening is over, but he’s got more planned.

  “Have you ever been to City Park?”

  “I haven’t,” I inform him happily.

  He looks at my converse and nods in approval. “Great, you’ve got on the perfect shoes for a walk.”

  It was beginning to snow when we left the restaurant, which isn’t surprising in December. I love this time of year because it’s perfect for huddling inside with a cup of coffee and a good book. I’m not one to sightsee when it’s cold, but I’m enjoying Trey’s company. It’s picturesque with the streetlight illuminating the grounds; people are milling around, or sitting on benches, content in the silence. He leads us to a concrete wall to sit on facing the Denver skyline. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

  How have I lived here for almost a year and never seen this before? I’ve been too afraid to leave the comfort of what I know, to explore one of the most amazing places here. “I love it out here,” I finally say to him.

  We remain in comfortable silence, sitting so close that our arms are touching and his body offers warmth on this cold night. The wind and the snow whip my hair around in every direction, so I close my eyes and turn into the wind to get it off my face. I gather my hair into a messy ponytail and once it’s secured and there’s no threat of stray hairs poking my eyes, I open them to find Trey staring at me. He reaches for my hand and I let him take it because it’s freezing, and I like that he’s being so considerate.

  “Damn, your hands are like ice. Do you wanna head back?”

  I shake my head, unable to answer through my chattering teeth. He laughs and pulls me close to his chest, rubbing his hand up and down my back. Being here with him like this feels easy, but I know deep down, it’s anything but. He leans back to pull away from me and cocks his head to the side. He’s still holding my hand and it’s the only time I’ve seen him look nervous, and I know what’s coming.

  He leans in to kiss me but I pull away apologetically. He starts to say something, but stops short and I feel bad for the disappointment I see in his eyes. As som
eone I’ve grown to consider a friend, being here with him holds so much promise, but I can’t give him what he wants.

  “Em, there’s no rush. I know that you’re still coming to terms with what happened between you and Ryan. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed.”

  “No,” I shake my head, feeling too many things at once. “It’s not that. I mean, it is, I love Ryan and this is all so sudden, but I don’t think I can ever give you what you want. You have been such a good friend to me, and that’s all I can offer in return.”

  He starts to loosen his grip on my hands, but I hold firm to his, wanting him to talk to me. “We’re friends, right, Trey?” I ask, repeating the words he has said to me many times.

  Shaking his head, a sardonic smile on his handsome face, he finally answers, “Yeah. We’re friends, but it has felt like more. Shit, I wish it didn’t, because I know you don’t feel the same.”

  I free one of my hands from his grasp and reached out to his face and he looks upon me skeptically. “Trey, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel something. But-”

  Before I can finish my sentence, he cups my face in his hands and plants the softest, sweetest kiss to my lips. Butterflies that went away some time ago reappear, causing my pulse to accelerate. He stops kissing me and rests his forehead to mine, and my eyes remain closed. It was a beautiful, perfect kiss, and one that I have imagined before. Hell, it was better than the way he kissed me in my dreams all those nights. But I can’t help but compare it to all of those I’ve shared with Ryan over the years.

  Flashes of Ryan kissing me for the first time on our second date outside of his Jeep, when I aced my midterm, after he had tutored me all night, in front of his parent’s house before I met them for the first time, flood my memory. Ryan is and will always be the love of my life, and even though we’re not together, it’s not fair to give Trey hope when there is none. When he opens his eyes he wipes away the tear that escaped while I was missing Ryan, and he smiles, assuming something else.

  “Just give me a chance to make you happy,” he pleads.

  “Trey,” I pause, because I haven’t said these words to anyone else, but I have to. “I’m pregnant.”

  His back straightens and his eyes grow wide as my words sink in. “Does Ryan know?”

  I open my mouth to answer but my phone vibrates in my purse, so I look at the screen and notice it’s Ryan, but I’ve missed several texts and calls. I swipe my finger to answer the call, “Hello?”

  “Em,” I can tell his in his voice he is bracing me for something, “It’s me- it’s Ryan.”

  CHAPTER 24

  Seconds.

  In mere seconds, everything in your life can change. One minute you’re coming to terms with the knowledge that you’re pregnant and having to share the news for the first time, to hearing something that literally makes you drop to your knees. My phone slipped from my hand to the grassy area below while I tried to catch my breath, feeling like someone just kicked me hard in the stomach.

  “Em?” Ryan’s voice calls out to me. “Are you there? Did you hear what I said?” Ryan asks in a rush.

  I locate my phone inches from where my body is plastered to the ground and hold the device to my ear. “What happened? Where is she?”

  “Em, you need to calm down. What’s going on?” Trey whispers next to me, but I can’t answer, I’m trying to gather as much information from Ryan as I can.

  “Lang called me about thirty minutes ago. She’s been trying to get a hold of you all night. She asked me to keep trying because her battery was going dead. I don’t know everything, just that your mom was in some sort of accident and she’s at the hospital right now.”

  “Was it Scott?” I ask, bile rising in my throat at having to ask the question.

  “Your sister seems to think so. Listen, Em- ” I can tell he’s getting ready to warn me.

  “I will kill the bastard,” I inform him so low and even, that I believe I actually might have it in me.

  “The cops are looking for him, but right now, we have to focus on your mom because she needs you.” The anger slowly recedes and tears begin to form.

  “Is it bad?” I ask through my tears. Before I can even register the action, Trey is guiding me back to his car, tucking me into the passenger seat.

  I hear him let out a shaky breath and I know. “Yeah. It’s really bad. You need to get there as soon as you can.”

  “Tell Langley I’m headed to the airport right now, I’ll catch the first flight I can.”

  “Okay, Em. Be careful.”

  His words echo in my ears, but only faintly behind the others I’m still trying to process. She’s at the hospital. I don’t have time to decipher anything else because all I want to do is go home so I can be with my mom and my sister. “Yeah, I will,” I whisper. “Hey, thanks for letting me know.”

  I hang up the phone and my hand starts shaking and sobs rack my body. Trey is the epitome of calm, driving me to the airport without uttering a word. When we arrive, he parks his car and walks me to the ticketing agent who sees my haggard appearance. Trey stands beside me, speaking to the agent requesting availability for the next flight out to Salt Lake City. I’ll have to drive almost an hour to get to my mom, but it beats driving eight hours through the night. I’m sure this ticket is going to be expensive, but I don’t care. The moment she says she has room on the nine thirty flight, I pull out my credit card so I can hurry up and get through security.

  Trey is beside me when I meander through the line to be screened. I throw my arms around his waist and sob into his chest. “Thank you so much for getting me here.”

  “Em, I know this is hard, but you need to try to calm down. You have a baby to think about now, you can’t stress yourself out,” he says as he rubs my back while he hugs me.

  I’ve been so consumed with what’s going on that I actually forgot that he’s right. I wipe my eyes and nod at him, appreciating his concern. He takes my face in his hands and kisses my forehead as the TSA agent calls me forward. I give him one last hug and walk away from him, having no clue what awaits me when I get to the hospital.

  Everything that’s happened since Ryan called is a blur. I go from crying hysterically, to doing everything I can to control my rage. I’m mad at my mom for staying with this guy, even though she knows Lang hates him. I’m mad at myself for not being more involved to know how bad it really was. And more than anything, I want to face Scott and tell him exactly where he can go. I want to see him rot in jail with nothing and no one to save him.

  I make it through security and take a seat at the gate, my body physically aching from my sobs and clenching muscles. I try to remember what Trey said, but every time I do my best to relax, I remember that this guy has hurt my mom time and again. It makes me sick. She makes me sick. And then I feel guilty for how angry I am with her, when I have no idea what condition she’s in.

  * * *

  I made the drive to Provo in forty-five minutes flat, catching almost every stoplight when I got to town. The hospital emergency room is on the corner of a busy road, but since it’s after midnight, there is nothing stopping me from getting where I need to be. I find the closest parking spot available and run through the automatic doors.

  I feel lost standing at the entrance, not knowing where my sister is. I know she’s here somewhere, most likely with my mom. I walk up to the nurse’s station where several women are congregating; my disheveled appearance is not surprising to them.

  “Can you tell me where I can find Nora Kane?”

  The heavyset woman furrows her brow. “Are you family?”

  Before I can answer someone taps my shoulder and I nearly collapse into his arms. Ryan is beside me, holding me up while I cry. “This is her daughter. I know where she is,” he says to the woman, leading me away from the emergency room waiting area.

  He walks me back through a set of double doors to the side of the waiting room that automatically close behind us. This is most likely the second longest walk of m
y life, the other taking place today. Or was it yesterday? Before we get to her room, he stops me and waits for me to look at him. When I finally do I see the worry and fear in his eyes, which only makes me feel worse.

  “Em, you need to know a few things,” he starts, so I wait for his words. “She’s on a ventilator and her arm is in a cast. She also has a broken eye socket-”

  My vision starts to go dark and Ryan’s voice sounds like it’s coming to me through a tunnel. All at once, I feel lightheaded and my body starts to go limp. Ryan holds me up until he sits me in a chair and kneels in front of me.

  “Are you okay?” The concern is etched on his face while he checks me out, “Should I call a nurse over?”

  He starts looking around to see who he call over, but I stop him, “Please, Ryan. I’m fine, I think it’s just shock; I need to see her.”

  He helps me to my feet, wrapping his arm around my waist while he guides me into the room. “Lang’s with your mom now.”

  The room is quiet and Reid is standing behind my sister who's sitting in a chair by my mom’s side. He taps her shoulder and she looks at me, tears filling her eyes.

  She pushes the chair back and runs into my arms and we both start crying again. “I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault. I knew he was hurting her, and I didn’t do anything,” she sobs into my hair while we hold each other.

  “There’s nothing you could’ve done, she knew what a monster he was, and she chose to keep him around. She didn’t deserve this, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  We stand there in each other’s arms, crying at the circumstances that brought us here tonight. I know only the few details that Ryan gave me over the phone and in the hallway; everything else has been left to my imagination. I hear the machine breathing for her and she looks so small and frail in the bed. Langley holds my hand and walks me to the chair she just left, prodding me to sit.

  The last real talk that I had with my mom was when I asked her what I should do about Ryan. My conversations since have been drunken five-minute calls that I realize now were a cry for help. When I asked how she was, her voice would get sad and then she’d start talking about nonsensical things, so I would end the call in a hurry. I’m the worst daughter ever.