Mine to Lose

by T. K. Rapp

  I nod before walking away to enter the airport.

  The last time we were in an airport together, I was dropping him off, saying a temporary goodbye. This time, the goodbye is final, in more ways than one. The tears aren’t for me and the separation I feel, it’s for each of us, and what I know we lost, and the hurt I’m sparing him.

  CHAPTER 27

  How long does it take to get over a loss?

  I’ve asked myself that question almost every day for the last three weeks. And every time, I come up with the same answer: Not today. It hurts a little less, but it’s still there. I haven’t talked to Ryan since that day at the airport. I sent him a text when I landed, but that was it.

  Joss was waiting for me when I landed and despite how angry I was with her before, I’m happy she was there. I didn’t tell her anything about the baby, and like everyone else, she perceived my silence for concern about my mom. I let them all believe that; it was easier than admitting the truth. The thing is, Mom is better than she has been in a long time. She put her house up for sale, and she is going to move in with Aunt Gertie. Originally that sounded like a nightmare in the making, but hell, it beats being worried that something could happen to her again. I think the two of them are getting along, or as close to it as they can get.

  She doesn’t have as much pain, and was weaned off the pain meds rather quickly. Lang called me last week and told me that mom started attending meetings for alcohol dependency. I’m not sure if she’ll stick with it, but I’m hopeful. When I talk to her now, I feel like I have the mom I lost years ago, and it’s nice. Scott is supposed to be going to trial at some point, but all I care about is that Mom is safe, and she’s doing better.

  Trey has been an amazing friend; somehow, filling the void that Ryan left. Since he’s the only one besides my mom who knows about the baby, when I’m around him, I get to be myself. I don’t have to hide what I’m going through, not that we even talk about it. It’s nice to know that someone knows why I am the way I am. We’ve been spending more time together, going out for lunch a couple of times a week, and grabbing dinner after work. He’s done his best to distract me from my sadness, but he also understands that there is only so much he can do.

  I don’t think Joss likes the time I’m spending with him, but she’s kept her mouth shut. She seems to think there is more going on between us, but I also haven’t done anything to make her think otherwise.

  When he asked me to come over tonight for dinner and a movie, I was happy for the chance to get out from under Joss’ watchful eye. I haven’t been to his place before and under any other circumstances, this would be considered a date, but this is just me hanging out my friend. But I can’t deny that it’s always there when we’re together, I’d be a fool not to feel something for him. But it’s nothing compared to what I feel for Ryan. And maybe someday, when I get past that, there could be a chance for Trey and me, but I’m not about to ask him to wait.

  “Ok, I have something to admit,” he says from his kitchen.

  “O-kay, shoot,” I say, despite the strange feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.

  He walks into the living carrying two plates, handing me one, “I don’t cook. So I hope you like turkey sandwiches.”

  I can’t help but laugh as I take my plate and set it on the coffee table in front of me. “Lucky for you, I’m not fancy.”

  He sits next to me on the floor and we start eating while watching the movie. I don’t know why I let him pick, it’s some artsy movie that I heard about but had never grabbed my interest enough to want to watch, and now I know why. It’s boring. I keep yawning and saying crude remarks, teasing him about his movie choice, but he laughs it off.

  “I can’t sit on the floor anymore, want something to drink while I’m up? Wine? Beer?”

  I lift myself to sit on the couch; the floor is killing my back. “Wine sounds good.”

  When he returns, he hands me a glass and sits next to me, but it’s not uncomfortable. The movie is quite boring and my eyes are getting heavy. I can’t even drink the wine, because I know it will only make me even more tired.

  I have no idea how long the movie was, or what happened, all I know is that the credits are rolling and I’m practically drooling on Trey’s shoulder. Despite my best efforts, I guess I couldn’t hack it. He looks down at me and laughs, wrapping his arms around my shoulder to make me feel more comfortable. If someone had told me months ago when I met Trey, that he would be one of my closest friends, I would have thought they were crazy. Yet here we are.

  “You can stay here tonight if you want,” he says as he rubs my arm.

  “Nah, I should get home. But thanks for the nap,” I tease as I sit up.

  “You missed a good movie,” he argues with a laugh.

  “Trey?” I look and wait until I have his attention. “If it was so good, why did you fall asleep?”

  “What? No I didn’t,” he protests as he gets to his feet.

  I remain seated, watching him with a raised brow. “Are you sure about that? Because you were asleep before me.”

  He lets out a yawn and stretches his arms over his head, his t-shirt lifting to reveal a glimpse of his abs. I turn my head away, embarrassed that I even looked. He reaches his hands out to pull me up from my seat.

  “You sure you don’t want to stay? You can sleep in my bed,” he offers as he walks me to the door.

  “I’m sure. I’d hate for you to sleep on the couch.” I nudge his arm with mine.

  “Who said I was sleeping on the couch?” he asks with a smirk.

  “Thanks for dinner and the lame-ass movie,” I joke when he opens the door. Without even thinking, I turn and give him a hug, because the move has become something we do often.

  “Anytime,” he responds before catching me off-guard with a small kiss to my lips, as if that’s something we do all the time, too.

  I start to lift my hand to my lips, finding the unfamiliar gesture too much, too soon, but drop it, unsure how to react.

  “So, Lang’s wedding is next weekend. If you don’t have any plans, do you want go with me? I’m sure there’ll be some available ladies there.” I smile, effectively ignoring his kiss.

  “There’s only one I’m interested in, but she’s not really available, yet.” His lopsided grin disappears with a wink. “But I’d be happy to be her date anyway.”

  “Trey-” I start, but he doesn’t let me finish.

  “You have a lot going on in your life. I know that. I’ll be whatever you need me to be right now, no pressure,” he says like he’s thought about it before. How could someone not fall for him? But he’s right, I do have a lot going on, and taking care of myself is what I need to do.

  When I am safe in my car, I rest my head against the seat back and close my eyes, steadying my breathing. Trey was someone I never counted on coming into my life, and now that he’s here, he’s become an important part. But the only future I see for us is that of friends, and until I finally give up on the idea of an ever after with Ryan, that’s all it can be. I hope when Trey realizes this; he’ll still be okay with our friend status.

  * * *

  “How was the movie?” Joss asks when I walk in.

  “I don’t know, I fell asleep,” I remark in a bland tone, because that’s what the movie was. Bland.

  “Ah, so you ‘fell asleep,’ huh? Did Trey ‘fall asleep’ on you?” she asks with air quotes.

  I toss a kitchen rag at her and laugh. “Damn, Joss. Unlike you, falling asleep isn’t a euphemism. I really did fall asleep. The movie was awful.”

  “Damn,” she scoffs taking a seat on the couch. “You need to hit that already, or let someone else put a dent in it.”

  “Okay!” I shout, heading to my room. “Conversation over. Good night.”

  I close the door before she responds and start laughing. She’s right, someone should hit that, it’s just not going to be me. The first time I saw Trey, I thought he was Joss’ type. But then again, if it moves, he’s her
type.

  I love living with Joss, but at some point, I need to get my own place. We are opposite in personality, but we make up for it in loyalty. However, if I stay here too much longer, we might kill each other. Someday, I’ll tell her what happened last month, and I’ll share my sadness over my loss, but that won’t be today. I grab a t-shirt and shorts from my dresser and change my clothes. I didn’t wear much makeup to Trey’s but if I don’t take what little I do have off, I’ll have that whole raccoon eyed thing happening in the morning.

  My phone starts playing a familiar ring tone that I designated for Langley months ago, “In the Meantime” by Spacehog. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of days and I know she’s swamped with all of her wedding plans. Had they waited until February, like they planned, everything would be fine, but Mom’s hospital stay put a rush on the nuptials. My sister will be saying her “I do’s” in just over a week, so I talk to her when she has time, and help out as much as I can from here.

  “What’s up?” I ask, answering the phone.

  “You alone?” she asks as though I’m in constant company.

  “Always, sis. Thanks for the reminder,” I respond in monotone before I laugh.

  “Okay, I’ve been waiting for you to bring this up, but you haven’t so I guess I’m going to.” Her mothering tone makes me smile.

  “Shoot!”

  “Last month when mom was in the hospital you were the first one to talk to her, right?”

  “Yeah, what’s your point?”

  “After you left, I was talking to her and she pointed to the trash can next to the bed,” she pauses, no doubt waiting for my mind to catch up. “I thought she was telling me to throw something away, but she wrote down, ‘look,’ and I still didn’t know what she was talking about. So-”

  “You know,” I finish for her, my nose starts to burn and I know the tears aren’t far behind.

  “Yeah, Em. I know.” Her voice is defeated, and I know she’s not mad at me for not telling her, she’s sad for what I experienced.

  “No one knows, besides Mom and Trey,” I admit, fighting my emotions.

  “Trey knows?” Her shocked tone gives everything away.

  “It’s not like that. Remember I told you I was on a date? I was out with Trey, and he was really understanding about what I was going through and he was putting himself out there, and I blurted it out. It was more of my way of letting him know why I couldn’t give him more.”

  “What happened? Why didn’t you want to tell me?”

  “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t even know Mom could hear me. When she asked me about it the next day, I was shocked. I had just found out the day before, and I was scared.”

  Tears stream down my face and I wonder if they’ll ever stop. “I took a test and I knew I was carrying Ryan and my baby. Part of me was so happy, and the bigger part was scared. When I told Trey, it was my way of putting the brakes on any feelings he might have for me. Ryan has been my world for three years.”

  “No, Em, he’s been part of your world. You can’t make him the center of your life,” she reminds me in the way only she can.

  “You’re right. I know that. I was surprised that he was at the hospital, but at the same time, that’s Ryan, even when things are jacked up, he’s still where he feels he needs to be, and that day, it was there with me. I knew then that no matter what, I couldn’t give my heart to anyone else because Ryan takes up the biggest part of it. When I saw him, he and the baby I was carrying were nestled in the most untouchable place in my heart, and even if Ryan and I were never together again, that piece will always belong to him. But then I saw Scott and all rational thinking went out of my head. I’ve replayed my actions over and over, and I can’t help but wonder if I would have miscarried if I had just listened to you and called the cops instead of going after him like I did.”

  I hear her sob and it causes my own tears to fall. “You don’t know what would have happened, and you can’t think like that. It’s not your fault.”

  “You don’t know that.” My guilt surfaces and I don’t fight it. “Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom. I wasn’t thinking about my baby when I went after that asshole.”

  “Stop it!” Her voice is stern and I know she means business. “Don’t do that to yourself, you don’t know what would have happened. You reacted, and regardless, you were protecting someone. You will be the most amazing mom; I have no doubt. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been going through; I wish you would have told me sooner, but I’m not sure what I could have said to make it better.”

  “Nothing,” I admit. “Nothing is making it better, and I can only hope and pray that someday I’ll wake up and it’ll hurt a little less.”

  CHAPTER 28

  I told Langley that I would come out a few days before the wedding to help her get ready. Knowing that she knows everything, I don’t feel so guarded, and I know that we have reached an even closer point in our relationship. My sister has been, and will always be, one of the most trusted people in my life, but sharing with her the darkest point in my life somehow made it more. We haven’t talked about it again, but I know that if I need to, she and Mom are there, waiting for me.

  My sister is one of the most unorganized people I know, hence why the wedding date moving up didn’t seem to faze her, until two days before the wedding. I need everything in its place, and sometimes I wish I were a little more flexible like Lang. I knew she would start stressing out, so I had a binder, similar to what we use for work, ready to go with everything we needed to do. We ran through a checklist of things like the florist, DJ, minister and caterer, of which only the minister was not accounted for.

  “You realize you can’t get married without a minister, right? Didn’t you line one up?” I ask.

  “Of course I did,” she snaps at me.

  “What happened to him?”

  “If I knew that, would I be getting a lecture right now?”

  “Okay, give me his name, and I’ll make some calls. I need you to go pick up your dress and make sure you try it on this time,” I remind her, as she leaves. Last time Lang went in, she took the dress home and waited three days before trying it on. When she did, I was the one to get the frantic phone call that the dress what still too big.

  “I’m not an idiot, Em,” she says, turning into a true bridezilla. However, she is the only person in this world I would accept such behavior from.

  The rest of the day, I was calling all over town, and contacting whatever connections I had to line someone up to marry my sister and Reid. I finally asked Aunt Gertie if she knew anyone and she smiled a wry smile and gave me the name of Reverend Jameson. He is a retired minister, but can still marry couples, and since we were in a jam, he agreed to perform the ceremony.

  Coming out a few days early served two purposes: I was able to help Lang out with everything that I knew she didn’t take care of, but I also got out of having to fly out with Trey. It’s not that it would have been terrible, but there is still the question of whether he and I will get together. I do love Trey, but as a friend. He called today to say his flight is coming in early tomorrow morning, but he’s getting a rental car, which gives me time to spend with my mom and Langley before she takes the walk down the aisle.

  She didn’t want a bachelorette party, she wants to spend time alone with mom and me, and that sounds great. We went to Aunt Gertie’s and despite her surly personality, she disappeared for the night so we could be alone. Only Mom, Lang and I know what it’s like to be us, and only we know what it’s like to be there for each other. Things have turned into shit and have gotten better, only to go back, but in the end, I know these are the two women I can always count on. We share blood, but we share so much more and tomorrow, we open our lives up to a new person, and I know Reid is the perfect addition.

  “I know I haven’t always done right by you girls, but you have to know how much I love you. You are the two most important people in my life, and I’m so gr
ateful God gave you to me. I will do everything in my power to be what you need, and I’m sorry I lost my way for a while.”

  “Mom,” Lang interjects, “you are our mom and we love you.” I nod in agreement as she continues, “It’s never been easy being us, but I think we’ve always been there for each other. I’m so proud of what you’ve done for yourself, you are so much stronger than you’ve given yourself credit for.”

  Mom’s eyes well with tears as she reaches her hands to each of our faces, “You girls are my world and if I’ve ever given you a reason to believe otherwise, I’m so sorry.”

  We spend the rest of the night recalling happier times and laughing at our more entertaining moments growing up. But mostly, it’s being together in a way that we haven’t in a long time.

  * * *

  “C’mon, Em,” Langley fusses as she adjusts my dress for the tenth time. “Everything is about to start.” She kisses my cheek and rubs the spot where her lips touched to remove any trace of lipstick. “I love you, sis.”

  “Love you, too.” I smile at her, because she is the epitome of beauty today. “You need to stop all this fussing over me. It is your day!” I remind her.

  Her wedding dress is a cream-colored sleeveless gown that flows from the waist. A beautiful, elaborate lace overlay exposes the small of her back, a small bow, flowing into the spills of the gown. She is wearing a set of pearls that belonged to our grandmother, probably nothing more than costume jewelry, but we never cared enough to find out. All we knew is that they were beautiful. Her hair is pulled into a low bun to the left of her neck and I’ve never seen Lang look more elegant.

  She walks over to me to make a final adjustment to my coral-colored bridesmaid dress. This is not my color, and if it weren’t Lang’s wedding day, there’s no way I’d be wearing this dress. The gown is an off the shoulder dress that is fitted at the top with a navy sash. Under any other circumstances, I would not be caught dead in this dress, but I guess that’s how weddings are. I can’t help but feel like I’m going to prom, all decked out, but there’s no place I’d rather be. I had hoped that she would have picked another color for the dresses, but when Lang makes her mind up, she sticks with it.