Healing Grace (9781621362982)

by Shriver, Beth

  “Information for the funeral. He has a plot by my mother, but I’m not sure what to do with the rest. I haven’t seen any of his family since I was young. The only friends he had were the ones he saw at the bar in town, and I never even knew their names. He didn’t attend church, so he has no ties that I know of.” She took in a ragged breath and put the folder aside.

  He didn’t know what to say but wanted to be supportive, so he offered the only suggestion he could think of at the moment. “We’ll figure things out. Think on it a bit, and maybe something will come to you.”

  She nodded, and he watched her flip through the Bible with curiosity.

  “What are you looking for?”

  Abby stopped, as if she’d forgotten he was there. “I’m looking for a verse to give me some peace about my dad.”

  He understood. But he couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to wonder about whether your own family believed. “‘For the grace of Gott that brings salvation has appeared to all men.’ Are you looking for something like that?”

  She stared at him but looked away when her eyes watered. “Yes.”

  He held the reins with one hand and flipped toward the end of the Bible, stopping on Titus. “It’s somewhere in there.”

  She found it and smiled at him. “Thank you. It’s false hope, I know. He didn’t have a belief in anything. Neither did I, except for the bits and pieces I got from working at the Christian school.”

  “But your mamm did, didn’t she?”

  She shrugged with exhaustion, and Mose wasn’t sure she would answer. Her face darkened to a shady pink and she turned away. “She kept it to herself, more than I ever knew. Maybe she was scared to share it.”

  “What about you?”

  “It wasn’t worth it, knowing it would cause issues at home. The few times my mother did say anything, it just led to problems.”

  “What about now?” Mose didn’t want to push too much, but he could almost see the desire in her eyes to learn more about the faith he and her mother lived by.

  She fingered the pages of the Bible in her hand and glanced down at it. “I’d like to have what you have. What the community has, without doubt or fear.”

  He tried not to overdo, but he couldn’t be happier to hear the words she’d just spoken. If there was any future for her to be in his life, making her faith a priority was the most important part. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  He had kept quiet about something that had been on his mind, but he couldn’t hold back any longer. “What were you and the doctor talking about when I came in?” He turned to see her.

  She smiled. “He thought I was Amish.” She kept her eyes on the road and continued. “He didn’t understand why I don’t have any family members to help make decisions.”

  Mose was relieved to have somewhat of an explanation, but he still wasn’t satisfied. “So you hugged him?”

  Abby turned toward him. “Are you jealous, Mose Fisher?”

  He couldn’t read her face, but he felt foolish now for asking. “Just curious.” He shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell him you weren’t?”

  She was quiet for a moment, looking out over the ripe corn that would soon be harvested. “I sort of liked the idea.” She glanced over at him. “Not that I would become Amish, but I have enjoyed the time that I’ve been with the community.” She stuttered a bit and spoke quickly, obviously uncomfortable responding to the question.

  Mose gave her a minute and then asked the question that had been rattling around in his brain for weeks. “If you like living in the community, why wouldn’t you consider staying there?” He waited for the expected, reasonable answer that would close the conversation.

  “I have considered living there, if there was a place for me.”

  He couldn’t help but stare at her, and when he did, he could see the conviction she had for what she was saying, and he felt his chest warm.

  “It’s been more like a home to me than living with my dad.”

  Mose caught her eye and smiled, she used Jim’s paternal name, a sign she might have forgiven him for the hard times during their last few years together. She was in a fragile state, so he tried to hold back from saying too much, but more than anything he’d ever wanted before, he wanted her to stay.

  He knew part of his desire was selfish. It was a big commitment, and it had to be for the right reasons. So he thought through his words carefully. “This would be a good time to start over.”

  She nodded. “There are many things I like about living among the Amish. But there is one part that concerns me. The separation from the rest of the world is the way my father lived after my mother died. So I did too.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I know it’s different in that there are a large number of people who live in Meadowlark Valley.” She paused again and waved her hands. “It’s completely different, really. But even those words bother me. I don’t want to live separated anymore.”

  “We’re separate from the outside world so we don’t stray, not because we don’t want to experience other people and their lives. It’s staying clear of temptations.” He hoped she understood. Because he was around the English when he worked in town, he had learned to talk about these questions to them. But he still had a lot to learn when it came to explaining their ways.

  “I’ve been secluded for so long, I don’t know if I can let go of the outside world again.”

  “Do you feel that way when you’re in the community?” With each question he asked, he hoped for the answer he wanted to hear. There would be no swaying her. He had to stay as neutral as possible, considering how much he wanted her to stay.

  Abby was quiet for so long, Mose wondered whether she was going to answer, but when he saw her face, he knew it was because she was giving her answers a lot of thought. “No…the more I think about it, the more it feels right.” Then she looked up at the blue sky, thinking again. “But this isn’t a gut time to decide anything. Once everything is taken care of with my dad, maybe I’ll know better what to do.”

  Mose’s stomach dropped. It wasn’t fair of him to expect her to know or to think she realistically would end up in the community. His assumption that she would be with him was even more farfetched. But he couldn’t keep his feelings from coming into play. He was ferhoodled with her. As he took in her Amish dress, apron, and kapp, he could see why the doctor took her for one of them, and he liked the thought.

  “Is that why the doctor said danke?”

  She grunted a laugh. “Jah.” She teased. “He expected to hear that, as well as a nee and jah now and then.”

  Mose did admit he felt a bit of jealousy even though it was foolish. Simply the fact that he felt that way told him how fast and hard he’d fallen for her. She seemed to feel the same about him some of the time, but not always, and it made him wonder whether he was setting himself up for heartache. Only time would tell…but he wasn’t in a patient frame of mind.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  THE SOUND OF hammers and saws fast at work rang in Abby’s ears. A dozen men were tearing down what was left of her family’s farmhouse. Bittersweet emotions surged through her as she watched Mose throw down a handful of shingles from the roof. Her dad’s funeral was the next day. All plans had been made, but somehow being at the farm made his passing surreal. She expected him to walk out the door and climb down the stairs, but the steps were gone, along with the rest of the structures. A few of the animals had wandered back, but there was nothing else worth trying to save.

  When Mose looked over at her, she forced a smile. Abby was grateful for the men and women who had come out to help, and she knew this was what needed to be done, but it still stung. The house held both good and bad memories. The ones with her mother were tender. The time spent with her dad was a mix of confusion. In thinking back, she didn’t really know what her relationship with her father truly was, and that’s the way it had stayed until he died.

  She watched Joe and Mose climb down the ladder and sit with Chris while the
y showed him how to pull out the nails from the shingles that could be saved and reused. Abby filled three glasses with sweet tea and walked up behind them. She slowed her walk when she saw their somber expressions.

  “But you like her, right?” Chris looked at Mose with a furrowed brow.

  “Jah, and so do you.”

  “So why don’t you marry her?”

  Mose paused as if pondering how to answer Chris. But he didn’t seem to know the answer, so Abby wondered how he could give Chris one. “She’s English.”

  Mose handed him a handful of nails. “You’re doing a gut job—”

  “So why does that matter so much?” Chris interrupted without a blink.

  Mose’s usual placid face was pinched with discomfort. “Amish have different ways than the English.” He grabbed a bag and handed it to him to put the nails in.

  “If Abby learned them, could she stay?” Chris asked.

  When she saw Mose’s exasperated expression, Abby felt a lump form in her throat. She had thought long and hard about all of the questions Chris was asking. But from the way Mose was answering him, he hadn’t. She let out a long sigh, preparing herself to give them their drinks without her emotions getting the best of her.

  “It’s been done.” Mose finally answered, but he took a step back as if to end the conversation.

  “She already lives with us.” It was obvious by his questions Chris had no idea how uncomfortable the discussion was for Mose. Even Joe shuffled his feet as if he would prefer running away. “So is she gonna?”

  Joe looked over at Mose. “It’s hard to do, but if they all agree, the church will let them.”

  Mose nodded to Joe, as if silently thanking him for answering. His response made her wonder whether there was anything else Mose was agreeing with. She let her mind wander so far as to hope he was actually considering what was being discussed. If what Joe said was true, whether an Englisher could marry an Amish was up to each church.

  Mose suddenly turned around to see her standing just a few feet behind him. Abby felt her face heat and broke eye contact. Joe turned to where Mose was staring with the same look of surprise.

  “Come on, Chris. Grab your bag.” Joe touched him on the shoulder to set him in motion.

  Abby glanced down at the tray of glasses, almost forgetting why she was there. “I have tea.”

  “Just had some, but danke.” Joe caught Chris by the arm.

  “Nee, we didn’t.” He started to go to her, but Joe stopped him. Chris frowned at Joe but obediently followed his lead and walked away with him.

  Abby threw back her shoulders and moved forward. “Thirsty?”

  Mose took one of the glasses but didn’t take a drink. “Did you hear us talking?”

  She nodded, feeling guilty that she hadn’t made herself known. Abby took a glass and then set down the tray on the ground. Mose sat on the trunk of a tree that had fallen in the storm. She moved over next to him, remembering the shade the old tree had given on hot days. “Some of it, yes.”

  “I would never talk about such things, but Chris is full of questions.” He glanced over at her and then away as if ashamed.

  “I understand.”

  He stood abruptly. “Nee, you don’t. This should not be discussed by anyone but the couple.”

  She leaned back, shocked by his defensive words and stature. Then it clicked. He was telling her she didn’t know their ways, and this was one of them. But she also knew he was probably embarrassed and took that into account. “Then why were you talking about it?”

  He pursed his lips and sat down hard, causing the tree to creak. “Chris is fond of you. I wanted to set him straight.” Then he looked straight into her eyes. “I didn’t want him to be disappointed or misled.”

  Abby’s heart thumped. He wasn’t just talking about Chris. Abby thought she knew what he was saying, but with the intensity of his gaze she wanted to know for sure that she understood what he was referring to. Abby only became more confused. She couldn’t stand the way he stared at her, so she looked down at the bark peeling off the tree, once so vibrant and alive. “I’m sorry I didn’t leave when I heard you talking, but I have the same questions that Chris does. I wanted to hear the answers.”

  She made herself look at him. Abby needed to see his face to know what he was really thinking. If only he wanted to make the effort for her to stay the same way Chris did. But it was good for her to know Mose didn’t have that same desire. “Your answers.”

  He slowly turned to her. “I was just teaching him our ways—”

  She stood up next to him. “You don’t need to explain.” Abby didn’t want to hear his reasons for not wanting to go through the demands of committing to an Englisher. He had a right to how he felt. She just didn’t understand how she could have misunderstood their relationship to the degree she had.

  Mose moved a step closer, but before he could speak, she walked away.

  She faintly heard him say her name, but thoughts of her dad filled her mind, drowning out Mose’s voice. She’d lost her father, and now this with Mose. She sucked in a breath. There was nowhere for her to go. The community had become her home. Regardless of what happened between her and Mose, she didn’t want to leave. The biggest piece she hadn’t let soak in was her dad’s last words.

  Something about the Amish? He had no patience for the Amish, but she had come to admire them. What an odd shift that would create in her life. To live among them.

  When the sun had almost disappeared, they packed up and rode back to Meadowlark Valley. They had made good progress on leveling the buildings and cleaned up the place better than it had been for years. Abby rode with Mose and his family, but she didn’t have much to say. Her mind was in a whirl, conflicted, between Mose and her dad and also her mother. Although one had nothing to do with the others, they tangled together in her mind. Mose gave her quick glances. Whether they were of remorse or concern, she wasn’t sure.

  Abby looked out over the open grass land scattered with cacti and shrubs. “Farming wasn’t meant for Texas,” her dad would say, believing that raising livestock was the only reasonable way to make a living. Sheep and cattle were the norm, making ranchers a good living. Then the Amish had come alongside the few farms that existed and found soil that they could work with. She looked at each member of the Fisher family and felt the same admiration for them she had when they’d taken her in on that horrible day that seemed so long ago.

  Maybe she was more attached to the community than she realized. Maybe it wasn’t so much about Mose as she thought. But when she watched him as he drove the buggy with his capable hands and strong arms, she knew it was more than just the people she had fallen in love with. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Abby was enamored with the entire package, but it started and ended with Mose.

  As soon as they pulled up to the house, Becca was by her side. The bond between them was stronger than any friendship she’d ever known. Abby was vulnerable and needed to confide in someone. She hadn’t been this out of sorts since her mother died, but this time it was so much different being older and living in an Amish community, of all places. As she watched the women there, Abby wondered whether she would honestly be accepted or whether she was still just a friend on a long visit to get her life together.

  “What is it, Abby?” Becca hooked arms with her and was dragging her away before she was even off the buggy.

  “I’m not dealing with anything very well.”

  “Why do you expect yourself to? There’s been too much happening for much of anything to make sense right now.” She stopped when they were away from listening ears. “Tomorrow will be difficult. At least this day is almost over for you.”

  Her simple but consoling words were as gentle as a healing balm, covering Abby’s emotional bruises and cuts. All but those created by Mose…or had she misunderstood? “I shouldn’t say or do anything until I feel right again.”

  Becca took a moment to study her, but Abby wasn’t uncomfortable. She ha
d gotten used to Becca’s gestures and behaviors. “What do you mean?”

  Abby waved her hand as if to dismiss what was really tearing her apart. “It’s nothing, just my emotions running away with me.” She glanced at Becca, who was eyeing her suspiciously. “Really.”

  She smiled to cover up her hurt and gave herself permission not to think of her dad or Mose while she helped prepare supper. A chore she once did begrudgingly, it now provided satisfaction and growing relationships.

  Abby tried to appear interested in trimming the excess dough off the cherry pie she made. When she noticed Esther watching her from the other end of the room, she knew they would be having a conversation Abby didn’t want to have. Esther gathered the pieces of dough and rolled them into a ball.

  “That’s a beautiful pie, Abby.” She handed the dough to her and leaned against the counter so Abby couldn’t see Becca, obviously wanting her individual attention. “Mose’s favorite.”

  Abby blushed. She knew that, but she hadn’t intentionally made the pie for him. Or had she? She was flustered, uncertain what was bothering her and how much attention she should give to everything that was brewing inside of her. “It hasn’t been a good day.”

  “And tomorrow will be worse.” Esther’s sympathetic eyes spoke of her true concern, and Abby knew it was as strong as what she felt for Esther. This woman had taken her in without question and never said an unkind word to her or judged her situation.

  “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” The well kept springing up, more like a tidal wave that couldn’t be stopped. She had no more energy, and she hoped nothing else would take her over the top.

  “Nee, Abby, thank you for making my son happy. We’re blessed to have you.”

  Abby choked on a sigh. She was the one who was grateful, yet every person she came into contact with brought out what she cherished about them, making her wish even more for a place there. Even those who didn’t know Abby as well showed a quiet sense of mourning with her and understanding for her ridiculous sentimental outbursts.