Behind These Blue Eyes

by Cecilia Randell

  She sat on a low stone wall at the side of the building separating the club from its neighbor, taking a break from the noise and mugginess of too many people in too tight a space. While the band was amazing, Forrest and Phe’s smiles weren’t the only ones being forced.

  The day had started with such hope. There was a lot to think about, and plan, after her conversation with her mother. Knowing she had her support, no matter what, let Blue breathe easier. Her experience on Karran changed her. Beyond the guilt, and the wishing for a different end, it had awoken a longing to see what was out there, what may wait for her.

  As it drew closer to the time to go over to Phe’s and get ready, though, her stomach had tightened, and a sour taste gathered in the back of her throat. It had only gotten worse as Phe did her make-up and helped her pick out something to wear, every action seeming a mockery of the last concert. The invisible distance between them was almost tangible. As the afternoon wore on, it only got worse. They went through the motions, but there would be no Derrick, no Phillip, waiting for them downstairs.

  And, as much as she was near to bursting with the news of her after high school plans, she couldn’t get the words out. She’d almost told Kevin on Friday. Then it hit her. She’d be saying goodbye to her friends at the end of the year, one way or the other. Not something she wanted to think about before she even fully got them back.

  Watching as couples and friends strolled the sidewalks, and gathered at the food trucks, laughing, joking, stealing each other’s food, she shoved aside her dark thoughts. They were out tonight for a reason, and it had nothing to do with her own melodramatics. Time to get back in the trenches and pry her friends out of their shells.

  She made her way back inside, showing the doorman her re-entry stamp and skipping the line. Kevin’s head peeked over the rest and, using it as a guide, she slowly made her way to where she had last seen her friends. The crowd was dense, especially this close to the stage, and a few times she almost got an elbow to the face.

  When she finally made her way to Kevin’s side, she didn’t see Phe or Forrest. She tugged on Kevin’s sleeve, pulling him down so she could talk to him. “Where are Forrest and Phe?” she shouted, barely able to hear herself over the speakers and other people.

  Kevin’s face was stony as he tilted his head toward the front of the crowd, where a small space had opened up for dancers. She followed his gesture and spotted them.

  Phe was dancing with Ian, pressed close, almost leaning on him, and smiling flirtatiously. Blue understood Kevin’s expression now.

  Her gaze traveled over the other dancers and landed on Forrest. Now it was Blue’s turn to stiffen. A surge of… something went through her. She didn’t know what it was exactly, disappointment? Jealousy? It wasn’t something she’d felt before.

  Forrest danced with Becca. He hadn’t danced with anyone all night, and now he was dancing with some other girl. As Blue watched he leaned forward to say something in Becca’s ear and she laughed. Pulling him down again, she said something in turn, leaning in and practically kissing his cheek, they were that close.

  Why does this bother me so much? There was no reason Forrest shouldn’t dance with Becca. In fact, plenty of guys had danced with her, and other girls, all through the night. Nothing about it was out of the ordinary.

  The song went into the final came to its end, and Forrest sent Becca into a spin then dipped her, hitting the end of the song perfectly. Blue stared, transfixed, as their lips moved close to each other, and she held her breath, that slightly sick feeling surging again.

  Then Forrest stiffened and pulled away, righting Becca from the dip. Patting her arm, he turned to their spot by the stage. Spotting Blue, his expression lightened, like he’d been waiting just for her to show up.

  She didn’t get it. He barely talked to her some days, others he was the sweet Forrest she first knew. The new back and forth personalities had begun to remind her of Jason and she wasn’t sure she liked it.

  Becca ran a hand down Forrest’s arm, trying to get his attention. Blue flashed back to when she saw Forrest practically naked, at least from the back, and possessiveness swept through her. On the heels of that, an image of Mo’ata flashed through her mind, sending her into confusion.

  She took a breath and pushed it all aside. None of this mattered. She would be here for Forrest, however she could.

  Gathering her bravery, she approached the couple as Forrest watched. “Want to dance?” she asked.

  He nodded and reached for her, seeming to forget all about Becca in that moment. As they danced, Blue felt a new closeness between them, but a reserve at the same time. Again, she flashed on the image of Forrest’s bare behind, and a thrill went through her, speeding her breath. Did she like Forrest? How is that for complicated? On the heels of that thought came another. I don’t understand boys.

  Once again, she shoved the feelings aside, and concentrated on Forrest, on getting him to open up. “What’s going on Forrest?”

  He had to lean down to hear her, putting cheek next hers. Well, this closeness was one advantage to talking while dancing. She couldn’t really be that mad with Becca.

  He pulled back and shook his head, half twisting away to watch the band while still dancing, his expression stiff. Just like that, he was Distant Forrest.

  “Are you ever going to talk to me, for real?” she asked softly, almost absently, not trying to be heard.

  Forrest must have heard something, though, because he looked back down at her, this time holding her gaze. His expression softened, and he was suddenly her Forrest again. He pulled her in a little closer, still leading her through the simpler movements of the dance.

  Warmth and comfort spread through her. This is what I’ve been missing. Right then, she was secure in her friendship with Forrest, knew they’d be there for each other no matter what. It was one of those perfect moments, where every piece fit, and she wouldn’t change a thing. All the confusion melted away, leaving her to content to just be.

  When the song came to an end, Blue couldn’t hold back her sigh of disappointment, but she knew she needed to take advantage of Forrest’s current mood, so she ‘pulled on her brave’, as she thought of it, and took the first step.

  “Can I come over tomorrow?” she asked. “I’d like to talk, and spend some time with you. I feel like I barely see you these days.” She held her breath, waiting for his answer.

  A bright smile grew on his face, and she felt like she’d truly accomplished something. “I would like that,” he said. “Plus, you can meet my mother.”

  Blue could feel her own smile stretching across her face, almost of its own volition. Finally, progress.

  Blue got there around noon. She’d not been to Forrest’s place yet, and was a little amused at what she saw. The house was an older one, obviously well cared for. It had a cute little front porch with a swing and some chairs set up, and charming dormers dotting the roof. It was also painted a bright yellow with alternating red and blue trim, and the front yard looked like a garden on steroids. She spotted what appeared to be a vegetable garden in raised beds, with a section for herbs, and another dedicated to roses of every color. Birdhouses and hummingbird feeders dotted the whole yard. She recalled Forrest saying his mother wasn’t ‘really a hippie’, but she obviously loved nature and gardening.

  Taking a deep breath, she enjoyed the mixture of fresh scents from the garden. It was in the upper-eighties today, but a nice breeze blew, and she wanted to linger for just a moment.

  “Are you Blue?” a feminine voice called out.

  A woman with light red hair, similar to Derrick’s, now stood on the front porch. She had a trim figure with fit arms, most likely from all the work in the garden, and her face held a gently expression.

  This was Forrest’s mother. Butterflies started up a rousing polka in her stomach. “Yes ma’am,” she said. “I love your tangle,” she continued gesturing at the front yard. “Ummm… I mean your garden. Garden, not tangle. It’s not re
ally tangled, there’s just a lot here.” Blue trailed off. “Well, I like it.”

  Forrest’s mother laughed out loud, her delight clear. “It is a bit of a tangle, isn’t it? Come in, Forrest has been eagerly awaiting you.” This last was said with a teasing tone, and she knew where Forrest got that side of him. “I’m Sheila.”

  She smiled at the woman and made her way to the porch and the door held open for her. “You really do have a lovely garden, and I like the paint job on the house. It’s cheerful.”

  “Yes, my thoughts exactly. Would you like something to drink? We have some fresh juice,” she asked, leading the way into the kitchen, which opened to the living room. Large windows faced the back, light streaming through them, revealing yet more garden sections.

  “I would love some, thank you.”

  “So polite. If only all Forrest’s friends we like you. Well, Derrick was family, and the twins may as well be. That Kevin boy is polite as well, but he hasn’t been around much lately,” she said, all while moving around the kitchen, pouring some sort of dark green liquid into a glass and then setting it before Blue where she stood at the kitchen island.

  Blue was too busy staring at the concoction before her to fully register what Forrest’s mom said. Then it hit her. “Derrick was?” she asked, her voice low.

  “Oh honey,” Sheila was just there, enveloping Blue in a tight hug. She smelled of growing things and something else, a slightly musky scent. Blue stiffened, then relaxed into it, hugging her back. Something about this woman simply imparted comfort.

  Sheila stepped back, gazing at her intently. “Forrest told me. Now, drink your juice, you look like you need the nutrients.”

  In a daze, Blue lifted the glass to her lips and took a cautious sip. It wasn’t bad. She could taste apples and oranges, as well as something a little sharp and spicy. Ginger? There was, of course, the taste she associated with green things, but the other flavors mostly obscured it. She took another sip, feeling refreshed.

  “Good, right? It’s my own recipe. Now, about your otherworldly adventures. What was it like? What were the people like? Forrest says some of them even spoke English. I find that fascinating, don’t you? And you can open these portals yourself? Ohh, what I wouldn’t give to have been there.” Forrest’s mom caught herself, becoming somber, though the excitement still shone though. “Not that I like how it ended. It’s simply horrible what happened to Derrick, and those other boys. Not to mention Phillip, though I can’t say I’m surprised.”

  She listened to all this, hardly knowing what to make of this new development. Forrest had told his mother what happened? And she believed him? She recalled what he’d said on the trek from the clansmen’s camp to Tremmir; his mother was a firm believer in life beyond earth.

  It appeared Forrest knew his mother well.

  Sheila continued, either not noticing, or ignoring, Blue’s bemusement. “I hope you’re here to get Forrest out of the house. He barely leaves these days. I was so happy when he decided to go to the concert last night, and then this morning when he said you were coming over. He’s not been himself, which is understandable, but I hate seeing my baby hurting like that.” She stopped, an expectant expression on her face, and Blue realized she was supposed to say something now.

  “Yes, I’ll see if I can get him out. I’ve been worried about him too.” The answer must have satisfied Sheila. She nodded and hurried up the stairs to Forrest know she was here. Blue simply stood there, rattled by the whirlwind that was Forrest’s mother. She took another sip of the juice, absorbing this new development.

  “So,” an amused voice came from her right, where the stairs stood. “You’ve met my mother.”

  Forrest stood there in shorts and a plain white t-shirt, looking sheepish, and cute, and she snorted. “Yeah. I still don’t know what to think, but I like her.”

  Forrest laughed, “I still don’t know what to think, either, and I’ve lived with her my whole life, but I’m glad you like her. I thought you would.” He stepped back on the stairs, gesturing her to him. “Come on up.”

  Forrest led the way to a small alcove at the back of the hall. When they entered, she could see a smaller set of stairs leading up. “My room is actually the attic. It’s small, but with the dormer windows it gets the best light.”

  “For your art.”

  “Yeah.”

  Blue’s chest tightened. There had been so much packed into that one word. Weariness, melancholy, frustration.

  When she saw his room, her breath caught. Drawings and sketches papered the walls, some pictures half finished, others framed, and still others spread out at a drawing table placed in a corner where the light streamed in. She barely registered the bed and dresser tucked into another corner, or the piles of laundry Forrest tried to tuck out of sight.

  One picture in particular caught her eye. It was Beast, but not quite like she remembered him. He was less grizzled, more noble. He stood proudly in a forest that looked a lot like the one on Karran, and half hidden behind him was a figure, not fully fleshed out, but it appeared to be feminine, and small. Is that me?

  Her gaze was pulled to another drawing. This one was of Derrick, head thrown back in laughter, while Mo’ran stood before him, a puzzled expression on his face. She carefully studied the rest, noting each of the drawings pinned up in this area were of their time in Karran, none of them finished. One, pinned up above the others, was different, more stylized. It looked similar to the piece he and Derrick worked on together, but instead of one tree, it was a forest. Animals were woven in, peeking out from behind tree trunks, or perched in branches. Birds, a mountain lion, even a couple of wolves. Tacked in one corner, obviously not part of the original, was a rendition of Beast, or some other quorin.

  A flash of green on the drawing table drew her. It was the piece Derrick and Forrest had started the first day of school. It lay there, also unfinished. She reached out a tentative finger to touch it, and Forrest made a low sound, causing her to quickly pull back.

  “I thought you finished it,” she said, unable to tear her gaze from the picture.

  “I couldn’t.”

  He moved beside her, and reached toward the drawing, but stopped just short of touching it.

  She turned just enough to catch a glimpse of his face. It was drawn in pain, his eyes and mouth pinched. “Will you tell me about him? Derrick? I knew him for two weeks, and half of that was spent in a weird world. What was he like?” she asked, wanting to draw him out, hoping he would talk to her this time.

  Forrest gave her a small smile, though his eyes remained tight. “He was one of the most loyal people I knew.” He gestured to the bed, the only place to sit. She moved to it and sat propped against the headboard, one of Forrest’s pillows held to her middle, like a teddy bear. He lay full out on the bed, his head close beside her hip.

  Once they were settled he continued, a far-off look in his eyes. “We met Phi and Phe in 3rd grade. They were already friends with Kevin. Phi had heard a teacher say my name, and at recess dragged me over to Phe, saying he had ‘found Fo’. Derrick trailed behind me, said ‘what about me?’ Phi looked at him, said ‘you’re Fum’. Derrick’s eyes got wide and he nodded, real serious. ‘I can be Fum,’ was all he said. I still see I so clearly. It was funny.” His voice was soft, and she strained to hear his last words.

  Clearing his throat, he went on in a firmer tone. “After that, it really was the five of us. We did everything together. He was the most torn up about Kevin’s ‘betrayal’ in freshman year, I think, even more than Phillip. If Derrick had a fault, it was that he couldn’t see the faults of others he decided were his.”

  “Kevin told me some of what happened when Phillip left the team. Did he ever tell you?”

  “Yeah, he did. I knew a little bit before, but he laid it all out for me the other day. Practically stalked me at school until I finally stood still enough to listen. We’ve sorted a lot out.” Forrest gave a little laugh. “It was silly. He was trying not to harm
our friendship with Phi by holding back the truth, but I always knew something was off about the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Jason. I think he’s an arrogant twerp. But what Phi tried to do was wrong, and I can appreciate Jason not turning him in.” He trailed off, eyes glazed, as if lost in thought.

  “What else was Derrick like?”

  “He had a temper, too. One time, around 8th grade, there was this one kid, real bully. He would pick on Kevin. Doesn’t seem real smart, picking on the giant kid, but Kevin really would rather not fight, and he was letting this kid get away with things. Name calling, trashing his locker, dumping homework in the toilet, crap like that. Derrick cornered the kid one day, gave him a black eye and threatened to tie him up, spray him with pink spray paint, and write ‘ass hole’ on his face with permanent marker.” Forrest grinned.

  Blue couldn’t hold back her laugh. The picture he painted was so vivid, she could see Derrick, sporting a menacing frown, cans of pink paint clutched in each hand.

  “Yeah, it’s funny to think of now, but Derrick meant the threat.” Forrest’s face got serious. “Then, in freshman year, after everything that happened with Kevin and Jason and Phi, Derrick had this plan to corner Jason and beat the shit out of him. Like, for real, he even had a crowbar stashed in his truck for a week or two.” Forrest flipped onto his stomach, elbows propping him up.

  “Did he…?”

  “Oh, no!” He shook his head so hard the bed rattled. “When I found out, I talked him down, but it was close.”

  Struggling for the right words, she finally said, “Well, that’s good.”

  “He also got in quite a few fights. Phe and I had to get good at spotting when his temper was going to blow. It got worse after Kevin was gone, Kevin was the calming influence.” Forrest stopped, thinking. “It was funny, after we went through that portal, he was the happiest I’d seen him in a while. I think he was glad to have Kevin back, even for that little bit. And I think he loved seeing all those new things. He talked about trying to get the quorin and some of the other animals drawn up when we got back, use them in our projects. He had the most amazing imagination. I’ve always loved the colors and light in things, but Derrick, he could see the possibilities.” He scooted up on the mattress, shifting to put his back to the headboard, matching her. “I miss him so much, Blue. It’s a hole. I keep expecting him to be there, laughing or plotting something.”