Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved

by Laveen, Tiana

  He made her feel free and buoyant. He appeared so cool and relaxed, never seeming to break a sweat, even when she broached him regarding topics possibly deemed controversial. The opposite of what she imagined a priest to be, not at all like the arrogant jock she envisioned him being back in high school. And she realized now, that wasn’t fair. She didn’t know the guy at all back then; he could have been exactly how she knew him now, and maybe, if she’d paid less attention to enjoying him squirm as he’d stare at her too-tight shirts, she would have approached him, said something, any ice breaker at all...just maybe, if she would have, things would be different right now...

  Rhapsody continued to stroke the keys, thinking of Dane—thinking of him in so many ways.

  She’d occasionally glance down at the crucifix around his neck and that golden wedding band, she smiled as she reminisced about her investigation. Just to make sure he wasn’t full of crap, she’d looked him up online to make sure his ass really wasn’t married after their initial meeting at the park. And found out he truly was a priest after all, and in that same instance, relief and sorrow filled her heart. Incense smoke had wafted past her while she focused on her laptop screen, reading his name and seeing his profile photos.

  Fr. Dane Caruso—

  There he was – on the screen, his bio so perfect and clean-cut and even the most discerning eye wouldn’t suspect the man was fighting a demon. Tortured souls had a way of identifying one another. He felt like a twin flame. Dane seemed to want to be free from confines, and she wanted discipline. She knew, deep down, they’d find it in each other.

  Now, they stood outside, the lone two cars left in the patron section of the parking lot—one parked across the lot, the other, right up front, her new golden Prius she’d gotten herself as a token of her own appreciation. A street light shined down on it, making it sparkle like a piece of favorite costume jewelry.

  “So,” she turned toward him, “thanks again for coming, Dane.”

  “I wouldn’t have missed it.” He offered no smile as he slid his hands into his pockets, keeping his eyes on the parking lot. His words trailed at the end, as if he were trying to figure out what to say...or maybe he thought he had slipped and fallen into a dream.

  “That...that song?” He turned toward her suddenly as he scratched his temple, his lips curved upwards. She looked up into his eyes—the blue eyes that seemed brighter right about now. “It seemed familiar to me.”

  She swallowed.

  Don’t back out now, girl. You were big and bold enough to sing the shit, even after you saw him there. You did this, now pony up.

  “Okay.” She looked at the ground then back at him, offering a soft smile. “Well, you’d be right about that, about it seeming familiar. So I take it you know what was going on?” She laughed lightly.

  “Yeah, it was about me, right?”

  “Yes.”

  He looked away, at the street lights, scratching his chin. It was almost three in the morning. For her part, she felt feverish with desire to touch that dear face. She leaned against the building, and he followed suit, mirroring her actions. She crossed her arms, he crossed his. He looked away, she did, too...

  He looked back at her, and their eyes met.

  “Rhapsody.” He licked his bottom lip and turned away again, then turned back, his eyes hooded. “I like you...a lot,” he finally said.

  His voice sounded so deep, it made her throat vibrate. She could see he was shopping for words, trying to purchase the best that subtle money could buy. He swallowed. “Are you uncomfortable with my vocation? I want you to feel comfortable around me...”

  “I’m not, I mean,” she laughed, “I’m not uncomfortable with you being a priest.”

  He nodded.

  “Are you uncomfortable with me being, well...me?” He touched his chest, his fingers spread across it.

  “No.”

  “I don’t know all the specifics of your beliefs. I just know what mine are.” He pointed to his heart. “But, I know God brings everyone into our life for a reason and I think...I think I’m supposed to learn something from you and not only that, I’ll be honest, your song was good, but more importantly, it was true, and that’s okay. That’s good, actually.”

  “Thank you...I...”

  “It was beautiful. Your voice...” he shook his head in disbelief, “it just amazes me. The way you play, you’re so gifted.”

  He’s getting closer...

  He leaned toward her, their bodies almost touching. And there it was—he smelled of incense, second hand cigarette smoke and leather...and she liked it.

  “Thank you...”

  “Don’t thank me, I just am telling you what you know is right. You have the gift of musical ministry, Rhapsody.”

  Taken aback, she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, wincing.

  “Is this the part where you try to convert me? You heard me singing and think you have a new choir director now? It all makes sense.” She laughed huskily, a part of her really believing that may now be the motivation. As she stiffened, she felt him gently run his hand over her arm, and gasped when his fingers intertwined with hers.

  “No, not at all.” His voice deepened as he looked so intensely into her eyes, she barely had room the breathe.

  Oh my God...what is he doing?!

  She watched him cock his head slightly to the right and stare down at her lips. They were so close, the tip of his nose brushed against hers.

  Please...don’t...please...don’t...you’ll regret it, Dane...Please...don’t...

  Warm air from his nostrils tickle her upper lip and his breathing accelerated as he gently pushed her back against the wall. Keeping his fingers linked with hers, only a bit tighter, he stood with her, simply quiet. Time and space had frozen while his gaze fixed on her, his lips parted—the gaze of a lover just before kissing his woman.

  His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed deeply. After a while, the tension subsided and he relaxed his fingers around hers, lessening the grip, although he didn’t seem to want to. Taking a half step back, he stood in front of her so she saw the want in his smoldering blue eyes, now with twinkles of silver. He hadn’t done it, but his intention was clear and she felt warm as she studied him, for he didn’t look guilty at all. Not with the smile he was just giving her.

  She smiled and shook her head slowly, placing her hand on her hip.

  “Are you sure you’re a priest?” she joked, causing them both to laugh. “Damn,” she said under her breath.

  He put his hands on his hips and looked toward the street as if he were waiting for someone—or something—to save him from himself.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Look,” he sighed as he turned back toward her, “I don’t know all the dynamics of what is going on between us right now.” He ruffled his hair with a rough hand, but didn’t seem to care. Avoiding her gaze, he seemed to be processing his thoughts into words. “I think...I need to be honest and admit to you that I’m wrestling with a lot of stuff right now.”

  I know.

  “And obviously, based on the song, you already knew that but...I’m attracted to you, too, Rhapsody.” He now looked squarely at her. Her body relaxed but her heart beat faster. “I’ve always been, ever since high school. Not just physically, okay? I’m feeling things for you...feelings I’ve never felt before, well, not in many, many years.” He laughed. “My original thought, once I confirmed it this evening was...”

  “This evening?”

  “Yes, I suspected my feelings were changing for you, but I guess I was still making excuses for it, for me.” He pointed to his chest. “Making excuses for what was happening inside of me, but not anymore.” He paused. “So here is what’s going on...I’m a priest,” he said, pressing his palm against his chest.

  “Yes, we’ve established that.” They both laughed.

  “But...I am still Dane. I have feelings, I get lonely, I notice women, but this is different, like I told you. I haven’t succumbed to any temptations
, and honestly, I say to you with a straight face, I’ve never been tempted this way before since I took my vows...”

  “I’m a temptation?” She crossed her legs and rocked from side to side, trying to stifle a grin.

  He rolled his eyes at her and sucked his teeth. “You know that you are...” Taking a deep breath, he went on, “So, I have some choices to make, and so do you. We can try to see what happens or go our separate ways. But, before you make your choice, let me make this clear,” his voice dropped lower as his eyes narrowed in on her, “I want you. I want...I want someone to go to dinner with...but not just anyone. It has to be you, Rhapsody. I want to hold your hand at the movies…” He huffed in frustration, turning in a circle as he rubbed his forehead, before facing her again. “Not just sit there and laugh and wave good-bye afterwards. I want to be more than just your friend...”

  Lonely, like me. He has all those people around him, people that are obsessed with him, no doubt...people that think he is a saint...but he is still so very lonely. Rhapsody, you’ve got a priest baring his soul to you. Mama always told you that you were trouble.

  This man was falling to pieces in front of her…

  “I want to take you out, on real dates, to concerts, just like the ones we talked about, the singers that inspired you. I want be right next to you, as so much more, Rhapsody. I,” he turned in exasperation, “I don’t want to be Fr. Dane to you, I want to just be Dane. I live in a parish. I have dinner with men almost every single night, men that I love and see like fathers, grandfathers, brothers and uncles...but, I don’t know...” He raised his hands in frustration. “I’ve honestly, Rhapsody, never felt compelled to seek the private companionship of a woman until you came into my life.”

  It took all of her to keep her budding smile at bay.

  “I am saying it again, because I feel you need to hear it, to understand. I’ve never, since being a priest, thought I might be missing out on something. Something about you,” he shook his head and briefly turned away, “I just need to find out more...”

  Rhapsody, do the right thing. You want him, you do, but this isn’t right...

  “Well, in all honestly, Dane, that’s heavy and I don’t—” She turned away trying to find a focal point, anything but those damned, intense blue eyes as he drilled double holes inside of her soul. “I don’t want to be the cause of you having any trouble or guilt, okay? I don’t have the same beliefs as you, let’s just get that out the gate.” She gave a nervous chuckle. “Not only that, I don’t go to church regularly and don’t want to. I have to be honest. I don’t see how you can accept me like this? Not believing as you do, as strongly as you do.”

  He cupped his chin, listening intently. He didn’t appear the least bit upset; matter of fact, he looked more connected and confident as each millisecond passed. His expression made her stomach jump.

  “I mean, I find you attractive,” she offered. “I already admitted that. I’m not trying to be responsible, though, for bringing a damn priest to his knees, excuse my language.”

  “There’s nothing to excuse,” he said, looking at the ground.

  “Dane, look.” She took a step toward him, placed her hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re lonely, but...I’m not the answer.” It took everything inside of her to utter the lie. She knew she was falling for him, but she couldn’t let him do this. The golden cross across his chest kept glimmering under the street lights, reminding her who the man worked for when those damned blue eyes had almost hypnotized her into a world of amnesia.

  “You think this is just about loneliness? Really?!” He turned away from her and gave a sarcastic laugh, then threw her a glare, looking so mad it sent a shiver up her spine.

  Oh shit.

  “I am fully aware that we don’t have the same beliefs. I knew that the moment after we had our first conversation. We are different, I get it. I could see the dissimilarities the first time I noticed you in the park, Rhapsody. You wear Egyptian and African adornments, sing out loud like a one-woman concert, have a contagious laugh, and you don’t care who hears you. You’re a mover and a shaker, daring to be you. I’m not an idiot, give me some credit here! Just like you know who I am, based on that little number you pulled tonight, I know who you are as well.”

  Dane had managed to do the unthinkable. Render Rhapsody speechless.

  “There are many things different about us. Some of those differences are obvious, some, not so much.” His eyes narrowed. “But we have far more in common and an ability to help one another. The best relationships are built on friendship, and just that, differences, just enough, so that each person can learn from one another and grow. I don’t want a carbon copy of me! I’m not even,” he said, his voice escalating—frustrated. “I’m not even sure what the hell is going on here! But I do know one thing,” he held his index finger up toward the sky, “I am certain about you, about how I feel. There are only two people that matter right now, me and you...”

  They rolled in the pause, taking their time as they both seemed to drift away in thought.

  “I’ve done some really dumb stuff, Dane. I let my heart lead the way instead of my mind, too many times in the past when I knew better. And I can’t keep messing up,” she explained. “What if I want to get married one day? Maybe have a child or two?” She shrugged. “I don’t know...but I want the option, and I can’t do that with a priest, Dane.”

  “You want children?” his voice was low as he turned on a dime, looking her squarely in the eye. His question caught her off guard.

  “Well, yes...I believe so..,” she shook her head in confusion, “Look Dane, I —”

  “I want children, too...I think about that a lot now.” She felt her belly knot. He looked her up and down, and stopped at her stomach, as if he were trying to visually plant a child inside of her right that very second.

  She smiled nervously, trying to offer comfort and bring him back into reality. “I said it doesn’t bother me that you’re a priest, and it doesn’t, and I could even still be your friend, but now that I know you’re attracted to me too, well,” she swallowed hard, “that is just playing with fire.” She looked up into his eyes, watched them darken with an emotion she couldn’t describe or latch completely onto. “We can’t do this...I can only offer friendship,” she said halfheartedly.

  This hurts like hell, but I have to. I can’t let him throw his career away. What type of woman would I be? Oh my God...

  She looked away and shielded her face, feeling the burn of her words right through to her soul.

  “I don’t believe you. Matter of fact, I know that isn’t the truth. You just lied to a priest. Tsk, tsk,” he taunted, pushing her words aside as if he wasn’t the least bit fazed. He stepped closer to her, crowding her personal space, and when she saw the way he looked at her, she placed her hands on his chest, both palms flat against it.

  Oh shit, damn. The man is built...Jesus. Don’t move your hands, Rhapsody. Keep them right there. Don’t move them...

  And then she felt his hard pecs jump from beneath his clothing.

  This is torture!

  She swallowed hard, again.

  That’s right, he works out, like, all the time. He is in even better shape than I thought. Lord, I don’t call on you often but I need some help if you want me to leave this man alone. Sweet Jesus I need to leave this man alone but I don’t know if I can!

  Her emotions boiled, so she did what she knew—tried to temper them with internal humor. Tried to laugh the feelings away, but how was that possible? A lump stuck in her throat as he cupped her chin, raising her eyes to his.

  Dane, don’t kiss me...don’t! I won’t stop you...but I want to want to stop you...

  “Rhapsody...” He said her name low and slowly as he brought his lips to her temple then let them trail down her face in a gentle caress. Soft, lingering, dragging along her skin. “I need to see how this feels. I need you to be by my side. No worries...I won’t let you bring me down to my knees. And besides, I’ve alre
ady fallen...so helplessly in love with you.”

  He pulled back and looked into her eyes.

  “I just felt you deserved honestly at this point. I needed you to know what was going on in my mind, my heart, and yeah, I took a risk. … See what’s happening? You’re scared, but I’m not. I can’t believe this, but I’m not.”

  “I’m not scared,” she said, avoiding his eyes. A chill invaded her, though she knew it wasn’t cold outside.

  “Okay, you are concerned about my well-being,” he corrected. He pushed against her, leaving no room to breathe, no room to move. “If I was so well, Rhapsody, I wouldn’t be here, now would I? You’re a hospital, and I’m sick... I need to find out what this is between us, Rhapsody, and I believe a part of you needs me as well and wants to find out, too.”

  And before she could respond, his lips brushed against her cheek again, and he kissed it...soft, enduring, sweet. Then, just like that, he abruptly turned away and walked to his car. No ‘goodbye’, no ‘we’ll talk about this later.’ Nothing. Apparently, he’d had his say, and he was now done discussing it with her.

  Her stomach caved as butterflies released. He climbed in the car, started it and drove away. He hadn’t said anything but she knew—she’d see him soon, in the park, and tonight would just mark the beginning of something strangely wonderful...something she half-heartedly resisted because she needed to be able to say, “I tried.”

  Even though her heart said, “Like hell you did...”

  Dane wanted to have her in his life, and she accepted it, proud that he put his foot down. Yet, in some strange way, though he clearly made his feelings known, the hell with her protest, he still did it beautifully—as if he’d done it on bended knee...

  ~***~

  The following week...

  Rhapsody swayed to Sade, as the timeless songstress belted out, ‘The Sweetest Taboo’. She glanced at the clock, and knowing Dane, he’d be right on time. Although she tried to pretend she wasn’t nervous, her stomach told another story. Since the man had laid his cards out on the table, they’d shared quiet, strange moments together in the park and on the telephone. He’d hold her hand for a few seconds, release it after a gentle squeeze, and not speak, just look out into the lake. She waited, wanting him to unload whatever guns he had, but instead, he’d refocus, caress the side of her face and ask her about the tiny details of her day. She turned her attentions back to her task. The kitchen filled with intoxicating aromas from the dressing she’d made for the arugula salad.