Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved

by Laveen, Tiana

Lifting her head from the chair, she finally looked at him, her eyes brimming with deep things, things that had been hidden and stuffed away, things that she poured forth in song. But songs were a curtain—she could blame it on her mood, the tune or the rain; she never had to fully claim her true feelings if she kept them under the guise of a rhyme, or pegged them as inspiration from an exterior source. The song was her get-a-way car, driving fast, and going nowhere.

  She nodded, but kept silent, as though she couldn’t speak.

  “Well, Rhapsody,” he squeezed her hand, not taking his eyes off of her, “this is our second chance.”

  “But—”

  “No, Rhapsody,” he interrupted. “If you think that you are the beginning of this fight inside of me, you are mistaken. You are simply the one that reminded me it needed to be addressed...and you are worth that consideration. You, Josh, all of it reminded me of that. I was called, Rhapsody, but there was never anything written that I wouldn’t have a new calling, later down the line. It’s confusing.” He rubbed his head. “It’s a lot for me to process, too, but God uses people in some ways we may not understand, and sometimes, we just can’t question it, even when everyone else is.”

  Rhapsody looked away, her expression hard to read.

  “Don’t you think I know what I’m up against? This has the potential of getting ugly. I have to get it figured out. I don’t have all the answers, I am just kind of floating along here. But I promise you, you will have no—”

  She looked away from him, and put her hand up to make him stop.

  “What?”

  Her mouth parted and she shook her head in disbelief. “Don’t say that to me. You can’t promise me anything. I don’t think that you...”

  “You don’t expect much? You should.”

  Her face looked like that of an innocent little child—terrified, out of her depth. “I thought you were safe, Dane. You’re a priest... Now here my behind is involved with you...kissing you.” She sighed. “Falling in love with you...How do I get myself into this stuff?!” A nervous laugh escaped her.

  And now she admits it. She loves me as much as I love her...

  “This time you saw in me what I needed to find...”

  He caressed the side of her face and pulled her down onto the floor with him. Her eyes gleamed in the candlelight. Moving her hair out of her face, he kissed her, a mere peck, then again, and again, until passion took over and they clung to one another, two bodies molded into one. Lying on their sides, they kissed and stared at one another, moments of silence stretching between them, filling in the gaps where words didn’t.

  “This is difficult, complicated.” She ran her finger down the bridge of his nose, making him smile and lean into her touch. “I didn’t expect this, I’m serious,” she whispered. He could see concern on her face; she was finally letting her guard down, exposing her raw vulnerability.

  “It is complicated, but...we’ll get it figured out.” He caressed her shoulder.

  More time passed until the sun was all but gone, and the room was only lit by the slowly melting Yankee mulberry candles.

  “You know what? You’re right. You deserve to know what happened. It’s not like I’m still pining for him, I just feel like a fool when I talk about it.” She sighed, “I’m going to answer your question,” she offered quietly.

  The shadows and lights played on her face, while they remained intertwined on the soft carpet.

  “About your ex? Don’t feel that way. Well, I can’t tell you how to feel, just know that we all make mistakes but please believe me when I tell you that I consider myself quite objective. I’m listening.”

  She nodded. After a brief hesitation, she began. “I met him while at a really great point in my life. Like I told you, I thought I was ready to date again, thought I had my crap together finally.” Her dark eyes met his, filled with so much sorrow and sadness, he felt a lump in his throat, hurting for her.” The man promised me the world and delivered a pile of drama instead. He moved in with me, then fast forward, the jerk was using my money to take other women out.”

  “Oh man. I’m sorry, Rhapsody.”

  “Now you see why I felt like a fool. I hate that feeling. Admitting this, admits stupidy as far as I’m concerned.”

  “Rhapsody, you are not the only person in the world that has been used and lied to by someone. Sometimes,” he shrugged, “we have lapses in judgment but the person that hurt is, is still the culprit.”

  “I know, but I have to accept my responsibility in the whole mess. I don’t profess to have a crystal ball, but I think I’m a pretty good judge of character, or so I thought. That relationship put everything on the line as far as me trusting myself. To make matters worse, he wouldn’t move out of my house, so I had to go to court and get an eviction notice. I was embarrassed, Dane,” she paused. “I felt...like an idiot. This man had taken me for a ride. He kept lying, saying he’d changed, and I am going to be honest with you, you can judge me until the cows come home but I—”

  “I’m not going to judge you, Rhapsody. I told you that and I meant it.”

  “Well, I took him back a couple times after that. That is the real kicker. That is the part I can’t forgive myself for, Dane. It was just plain stupid. I was so angry about that relationship. Not just because of what he did to me, but because I let him do it to me! Don’t you see? That is why I don’t trust myself anymore.” She shook her head. “I tried to convince myself it was because he was a beast in bed. Actually, he was good, but I’d had better.”

  Dane grinned, a light laugh escaping his mouth as he listened to her, and watched her become more and more animated. This was what he loved about the woman—her realness. She wasn’t crude, but she shot from the hip and her beauty radiated from the inside to the outside. Every time she opened her mouth, she forced him to fall deeper in love with her. And now he understood even further why she didn’t want him to have any regrets with her. She couldn’t afford to feel as if once again, she’d given her heart to another, only to have it shattered by her own lapses in judgment, not seeing a person as they truly were. The woman was in love with him, but paralyzed with fear. He knew this now without a shadow of a doubt. How could he blame her? She made sense, and yet in still, here he sat.

  “Is that it? Because I can promise you that’s over. I would never hurt you like that. You never have to speak of him again, I just needed to know what happened.” He ran his thumb slowly over her lips, feeling the soft plushness that made his heart race.

  She nodded. “Yeah, that’s it as far as him...nothing earth shattering, but it was bad enough.”

  “What was your home life like?” He moved his thumb to her chin, slowly caressing it.

  “Is this an interview?”

  “Sorta.” He smiled wider at her.

  She rolled her eyes and grinned, readjusting her position to move a bit closer to him.

  “My father died when I was very young. I barely remember him... He was an assistant football coach for Michigan State.”

  “Get outta town!” Dane exclaimed, prompting a laugh from Rhapsody.

  “I should’ve known that would be right up your alley.”

  “What was his name?”

  “Kenneth Thomason.” It rolled off her lips, and she smiled, a hopeful yet sad expression encompassing her features, softening them even further by the warm, flickering glow.

  “Hmmm, doesn’t ring a bell but I’ll have to look him up now.”

  “Well, after he passed my mother had me and my sister all by herself. She is a singer, a very good one, Dane. She sang professionally. I don’t touch the surface compared to her.”

  “I highly doubt that, but it is nice that you revere her gift the way you do. Apparently, it was inherited.”

  “I believe it was...” She paused. “So, we spent a lot of time with my grandmother because of my mother’s career. She traveled a lot. I had a pretty good childhood, our needs were taken care of, as well as many of our wants.” She shrugged. �
�My mother has some guilt about not being there as much, but I never gave her a hard time about it. She and I are extremely close. She was my first teacher and has been my best fan.” She grinned wide, showing shiny white teeth.

  So beautiful.

  The sight of that smile seemed to light up the entire room. He needed to touch her, feel her once more. Reaching out, he traced her face as though she were a delicate sculpture. And she was.

  “What did you think of me, when you first saw me back in high school?” she asked, her voice cracking a little.

  Wrapping his arm around her back, he brought her nearer, so close, he could feel the softness of her breasts compressed against him. He ran his nose along hers.

  “I thought, ‘Wow, she is hot!’”

  She laughed.

  “Seriously, I did, but I remember your singing the most, Rhapsody. I was so impressed with your voice, even way back then.” He scanned her face, and right there, with her being so close to him, he now noticed how one of her eyes looked slightly lighter than the other. He blamed it on the flickering candlelight. “I’d be at my locker, and I was late to class so many times...because I had to wait until you all got settled for...”

  “...Third bell...”

  “I can’t believe you remember that. You noticed me too?” He hooked onto her words, a part of him hoping she also had seen him how he’d seen her.

  “I did, and I thought you were cute, but...I kept to myself back then,” she said, biting on her bottom lip. “I never thought it would go anywhere, but I did notice you staring at me sometimes. I didn’t even know your name, I just knew you were on the football team. Sometimes you had on your varsity jacket and girls were always around you and your friends during lunch.”

  “I don’t remember it that way.” He grinned.

  “Yeah right!” She snickered. “Now that I think about it,” she tapped her bottom lip with her finger, “I think I remember Josh, too. You two played football together, right?”

  “Yes. I was outside linebacker, and he was cornerback, sometimes safety.”

  He watched as she continued to deliberate, her eyes shifting, “Yeah, I do think I remember him... A smidge taller than you? You both were tall...yes,” she laughed, “I do remember him, I believe. He had a goofy laugh!”

  “Yes! That was him. Everyone knew Josh’s laugh.” Happy memories flooded him, and he delighted in the fact that she, too, had his best friend dwelling in the deep recesses of her high school memory bank.

  “You know, you were one of my secrets that I told him while I was in college.”

  They both sat up then, their legs crossed over each other’s. He leaned in close and rested his hands on her upper thighs.

  “Secrets?”

  “Yeah... One night, after I had been drinking and got accepted into the seminary...”

  “Now see,” she shook her finger at him and laughed lightly, “Dane, that didn’t even sound right.”

  Grinning, he looked down into his lap then back at her, a little self-conscious. “I know...but it was my way of celebrating, having my last hooray. I told him some things, he told me some things.”

  “Battabing, batta boom!” Rhapsody taunted, causing him to shake his head at her, his heart light.

  “We talked about everything, and soon enough, the discussion switched—we were discussing women.”

  “Da dadadoooooooom!”

  “Would you stop it?!” Dane laughed.

  “Okay, I’m sorry,” she said, “I just thought you needed a musical soundtrack for this.”

  Smiling, he continued, “Well, he teased me that if I became a priest, the sex was over with and I told him I was fine with that, I knew that was part of it. The conversation got a little seedy, so I don’t really want to get into details but...”

  “No,” she shook her finger at him, “tell me.”

  He sighed and took a deep breath. “We were talking about all the girls, women actually, we wished we would have gone out with, or had sex with, and we were naming people from high school and college. I rattled off some, he rattled off some...and I didn’t know your name, just like you didn’t know mine...so,” he shrugged, “I only described you and told him there was this girl I wish I would have asked out.”

  She kept staring at him, clearly wanting to hear more.

  “I told him there was this songbird that would fly into the classroom right by my locker.” She sucked in a breath. “I told my best friend that her voice, was like a darn angel’s...and it was soulful, and rich.” He swallowed, feeling emotion well up inside him. “And... she and the voice matched, because, the vessel that the song came out of was a perfectly divine, Godly creation...that God couldn’t have made a woman more beautiful.”

  Rhapsody shifted her weight and brought her knees to her chin as she listened, smiling ever so slightly as if it were story time and she were a six-year-old girl hearing ‘Hansel and Gretel’ for the very first time.

  “I said it differently than that, but that is what I meant.” They both burst out laughing. “You know, guy-talk I refuse to give you the play by play, it would be disrespectful, but...I definitely remembered you.”

  “That’s funny how we recalled different things about one another. You look different, but I can still see that it was you, you know? You actually look better.”

  He felt his face warm with a blush.” Thank you...”

  “So you really did recognize me, at the park.” she said, her head slightly tilted.

  “You know, you looked familiar to me, but you are even prettier now than you were back then, as if that were even possible.”

  “Now you’re just putting me on, Dane.”

  “I am not!” he protested, but unable to wipe the smile off his face.

  “Well, you look even better, too. I meant it when I said it ...such beautiful eyes,” she said dreamily, then looked away shyly.

  “Thank you...”

  She turned back toward him and ran her hand over his. “Now, what about that duet?”

  “The duet? Well, I thought...”

  She stood and stretched, then looked at her watch. “Oh my God, Dane. Look what time it is! We’ve been talking for hours...you need to get back, don’t you?”

  He laughed and slowly stood from the floor.

  “It’s not a prison, Rhapsody,” he teased. “I can come and go as I wish. I do have some work in the morning, but I can stay a bit longer. … So, you want to hear my horrible music, huh?” He laughed and made his way over to the piano, felt the cool keys beneath his fingers.

  “I know she doesn’t look like much, but my father had bought her for my mother. Their house flooded and she got the bad end of the stick, but was still playable...so, she means something to me and she plays beautifully, actually.”

  “What a nice story,” he said, pointing to the bench. “May I take a seat here?”

  “Of course.” She bounced over toward him, gleefully sitting beside him. “Now, what are you going to play for me?”

  “I thought you said we were doing a duet?”

  “Hmmm, maybe, maybe not. Let me hear you first.” Her eyebrow shot up and a mischievous grin creased her expression.

  “I don’t get a warm up?” he protested.

  “You don’t have time for a warm up. Besides, you never forget.”

  Like a kiss...

  He took a deep breath and put his fingers over the keys.

  Soon, he was playing the Charlie Brown Piano cover, causing a crackling, loud roar of laughter from Rhapsody. She stood and began to clap to the rhythm as he beat the keys with his nimble fingers, then she disappeared suddenly, like a ghost that had evaporated. He wondered where she had run off to, but continued to play. Seconds later, she emerged holding maracas and shaking them to the beat, making the song come alive. It sounded just as it did on television, and she wowed him once again. He continued to play, no longer looking at the keys. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her...

  Once the song was over, the last n
ote stayed in the air, until it was gone, forcing them to dance with their own silence until she broke the hush like an arrow through the air...

  “You actually aren’t that bad, I think you were being modest. Honestly, Dane? It was pretty good. That isn’t an easy song to play.”

  He nodded in appreciation of the compliment, then watched her glide toward him and place the maracas on top of the piano. Scooting over, he gave her room to sit. She gently touched the keys, and closed her eyes. His pulse started to race when he heard the first few notes of the ‘Moonlight Sonata’ by Beethoven.

  “Oh my goodness,” he said aloud as he watched her work the keys and the haunting song vibrated through his body. He then realized what it was. Rhapsody didn’t play the piano...the piano became a part of her body, a limb, and she simply twirled with it, dancing, moving inside each beat as her feet worked the pedals and her fingers turned into ebony and ivory keys.

  When the song ended, she gently tugged at his shirt collar, ushering him closer to place her lips on his. Too soon, she pulled away with an assessing smile, as if to gauge his reaction, then did it again. A few moments later, they were holding hands, their fingers wrapped around one another’s on top of the black and white keys.

  “Five questions before you go,” she said, glancing back at him out the corner of her eye.

  “Shoot.”

  “Your favorite band, favorite song, biggest mistake, happiest childhood memory and place you want to go that you’ve never been before, and make it fast, damn it. If you stall or take too long I’ll think you’re lying.”

  “Led Zeppelin, their song ‘All of My Love’.”

  “Okay! Good one!” She gave him a high five.

  “You said fast, you interrupted me. Now I can’t remember the third question.” He laughed and bumped his shoulder into hers.

  “Biggest mistake and...”

  “Okay...”

  “Well, hurry up.”

  “I will!” He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close before looking down at her. She swallowed when he grazed the side of her hip with his fingertips. “I don’t know what my biggest mistake is; I’ll have to live longer to find out. Happiest childhood memory was waking up and having the black Schwinn bike that I wanted in the driveway for my thirteenth birthday, and place I want to go, that I’ve never been before?”