“He never left, so I’m going with a no on that front.”
Edmond waves him over and Rat stands nervously at the edge of the table, his hands in the pockets of his worn jeans.
“Sit, I’m not telling anyone you are here, if you don’t tell anyone I’m here.” I reassure him. I have no desire to get dragged into that mess.
“Great. You two can wallow in mutual self-pity while I get you some proper food and pretend I never saw either one of you.” Ed shuffles off, his old arthritic knees making him slower than normal.
“Hey,” Rat says as he sits down beside me, also facing the door. Old habits die hard I guess. “I thought I was the only one who still came here.”
“You are, I just needed a place to hide away from everything today and this place has food.”
He chuckles, relaxing a little now, looking around to see it there’s anyone else in the diner.
“Ed flipped the sign for us.” I point to the closed sign on the door that he ignored when he came in. We sit for a moment just looking at one another, he’s a train wreck and I’m sure I am too. “So you’re here. Not in Europe like you should be?” I raise an eyebrow, because he’s been a ghost since the baby was born.
“I couldn’t just leave them,” he says, and I see the regret in his eyes. “I went for about a week, then came back. Please don’t tell her.” He pleads with me.
“I’m not telling her, she’s pretty pissed with me anyway. And by tomorrow I’ll probably be floating face down in the river, so you’re good. This is sort of a last supper thing for me.”
“Who did you kill?” he asks like it’s completely normal.
“Not my dad…” I joke back. “I slept with Viviana.” Even saying it sounds so wrong. “Not only that, it was a hit and run fuck, so she’s going to be pissed.”
“You’re a dead man,” he says with a smile on his face. “I’d enjoy your dinner, because even if you live, Rain will knock all your teeth out. You’ll be eating through a straw from now on.” He laughs now.
“It’s not funny. I am hoping she stays quiet, because she’s got some dirty secrets that could get her in deep shit.”
“Viviana has the biggest mouth on Earth.” He shakes his head. “You’re fucked.”
I have a feeling I am, and in a moment of complete idiocy I blurt out. “She makes porn.”
Rat chokes on the breath he just took and looks at me as if I just grew a third head. “Don’t lie,” he says, catching his breath. “Her father would lock her in a basement and never let her out.” I slide the screen to open my phone, about to show him when he puts a hand over it. “I do not want to see that. I don’t need to die with you.” Shaking his head, he says, “I believe you.”
“Ugh.” I sigh. “How did I end up in this mess? Life was so perfect when everyone thought I was gay. Fuck Rain and his big mouth. She just had to test me, push and push until I snapped and lost my fucking mind.” She played a game and somehow I feel like I lost. “Enough about me, tell me about you.”
“Not exactly much to tell.”
“Where do you live? What are you doing for money? Uh… there’s so much to tell. You are here and no one knows, it’s like a real Jesus miracle.”
Rat laughs as Ed places two cold beers down on the table between us. “I’m working for the Russians. I live wherever I find a cheap space out of sight, and I think Rain knows but has too much going on to deal with me right now.” He takes a long sip of his drink. “I don’t think he cares to be honest, but I’m not ready to face it all yet.”
“You and me both. I’ve taken a week off work.” I empty my glass, just taking the edge off my hangover.
“Well I come here for dinner most days if you want to hide away together.”
He sounds lonely when he says it, like he wants me to come eat with him. “Sounds good to me.”
With that Edmond brings two extra-thick steaks and all the trimmings that two hungry and half-drunk men could ask for. The conversation dies as we devour the food. It tastes like my misspent youth and I feel a little nostalgic.
We were all close, then things changed and it all fell apart. When I think about it now, the reality of how lonely my life has become swallows me whole. These guys were my brothers and my best friends. We ran as a pack, and then one day we didn’t anymore. I have friends now, but it just isn’t the same.
I wonder if I was just destined for different things, or if I would be like them if I made the choice back then to be a part of the family mob ring.
The drink and food make me homesick for a different time.
It feels good to talk to him, like it’s something that’s been missing from my life. I shut it all out and became consumed by this fake persona and now I’m slowly seeing just how much I missed being myself.
“Where are you going?’ he asks as we step outside the diner.
“Home. You?”
“Seedy motel, then work at about 3 a.m.”
“You can crash at mine if you want to. I could use the company,” I say.
“I could live without getting seen, but thanks for the offer.”
Rat slaps me on the shoulder and I’m kind of disappointed, I’ve enjoyed his company tonight. “I never thought about that. Maybe I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow night?”
“Maybe,” he says, just before he disappears down the back alley and I get into my car to drive home.
Home.
I should go home. But I don’t.
I drive past her building. Her light is on. I stop my car and grip the wheel like it’s going to save my life. If I let it go, I’m going to do something really stupid like ring her doorbell.
When I look up again the light flicks off. I see the curtain move at the bedroom window. I just sit here like a stalker.
Oh my god, I’m becoming Rain! I need to leave.
Before I start my car, I power my phone on and the slew of messages come all at once. I mark them all as read without reading a single one and as I turn the ignition the sound of a Tumblr message and the accompanying vibration makes me look at it again.
Go Home.
Or come up.
But watching me is creepy and probably criminal.
I start the car and drive away. I’m not doing this.
She’s playing games with me.
Twelve
Paprika Red
VIVIANA:
I do not understand him, first he avoids me when I want to see him, then he stalks me at night. I can see him sitting there, talking to himself. If he didn’t look so damn good I’d be mad at him, but fuck me he could melt my panties off with just a look.
His hair is hanging in his face and I can see the leather bracelets around his wrist where he has a death grip on his steering wheel. I almost wish I had a better view. When I see his phone light up in the car I know it’s on and send him a text.
He drives off in a hurry. Dickhead. He’s left me horny and alone; never a good combination. When he’s gone I go to the fridge, grab the open Chardonnay, and drink it straight from the bottle. When it’s empty, I brush my teeth and allow myself to enjoy the light buzz it’s given me as I fall asleep calling Romi names in my head.
In my dreams, my troubles disappear and we date like normal people, but when I wake up the real world comes crashing in like a derailed freight train. The phone is ringing next to me and the sunlight is streaming in through the windows, the Chardonnay is playing drums in my frontal lobe and it’s hot as all hell in my bedroom.
“Hello,” I croak into the phone.
“Family meeting in an hour at Nonna’s house.” My brother’s dry, humorless voice assaults my eardrums.
“Okay, I’ll be there,” I mumble sitting up, my other hand on my forehead trying to stop it from exploding.
“Phone Val and make sure she’s around to FaceTime please.”
Suddenly whatever he wants sounds bad. Really bad. “Sure, is everything all right?”
He sighs loudly, and I already know it’s not. “
Just get up, swallow an Advil or ten and get to the house, Viv, please.” He sounds stressed, and Rain doesn’t stress about anything.
“I’m on my way.” I lie a little because I’ll need a few minutes to convince my body I’m not dying, and to get hold of my sister.
I get up, pull on a dress and a pair of pumps, and hit the Facetime button to call Val while I try to tame my wild mid-morning hair.
“Hey you,” she greets. When her image pops up on the screen I can see her half naked, sleeping boyfriend, behind her.
“Hey you. Um.” She smiles, and it hurts my heart because she’s so happy and I’m not. Jealousy sneaks up on me. “So Rain is having a family meeting and wants you to be there on Facetime. You might wanna get up or get rid of the naked dude.”
“Why the meeting? Did you tell him something?”
“No, I didn’t tell him anything and I honestly don’t know.” I sigh, my aching head can’t deal with this right now. I try to see past her. “So, he’s moved in now, has he?” I ask, prying her for details to feed my green-eyed monster.
“Maybe. It’s not official. He’s got a toothbrush here and clothes in the closet though.”
She giggles like a schoolgirl, her face blushing bright pink. Her laughter wakes up her houseguest, and when he rolls over I get a good look at his face. With the light stubble on his jaw and pale blue eyes, strong jaw and bed hair, I understand why she’s smitten. He kisses her cheek and she wrinkles her nose.
“Ugh. Go do whatever you’re doing under those covers. I’ll dial you in like forty-five minutes. Your brother will be there. Have clothes on and no boyfriend in the shot. Sorry boyfriend, but I really don’t want you to die just yet.”
She shakes her head, waves bye and hangs up.
Her happiness hurts me, because I fear she’s never going to come home if she’s got that there. I paint on my face so I don’t look the way I feel.
Rain’s bike is parked out front when I get there, with Ailee’s car in front of it. Across the street are two cars I don’t recognize. When I glance around something just doesn’t seem right.
I go inside quickly. The front door isn’t locked and when I get inside there’s something missing. The smell of food is missing. There’s no chatter or talking coming from the kitchen, and I keep going until I get to my father’s study, where hushed voices are talking behind a closed door. I knock, because it seems rude not to. I don’t know what I am interrupting.
“Come in.” Rain’s voice vibrates it’s so deep.
Pushing the door open I step inside. The room is always dark; the deep mahogany and leather furnishings make it decidedly manly in here. My brother is seated in Dad’s chair, Ailee stands off to the side in a corner, Nonna is sitting on the most comfortable chair. She’s wiping tears with her hanky, and I know something is wrong — horribly, horribly wrong.
“Sit Viv, can you get Val for us?”
I nod and dial up my sister, handing the phone to Rain over the desk.
“Ciao.” She answers the call with lightness in her voice that I never hear in my own.
We all greet her from where we are in the room. Rain sits back and runs his hand over his beard, but can’t look at us. Ailee moves to stand beside him. They look like mob royalty beside each other like that. A light squeeze on his shoulder and he looks up, his eyes shimmer with unshed tears when he speaks.
“This is a family matter, so I expect you all to keep it that way. Viv, you know that Papa has been ill.” He breathes in and out trying to find words, but I already know what he’s about to say. “There’s no way to sugarcoat this, so I’m not going to try.” Ailee puts an arm around him now, holding him up in more ways than one. “He’s been sick longer than we knew, he has cancer. Like Ma.” His voice cracks with sadness, and the need to stay strong and not cry. “He didn’t want us to know, he chose not to get treatment because he couldn’t face dying like she did. We need to get ready to say goodbye, and for what we know will come after that.”
I don’t hear anything else he says because the sound of my heart breaking is deafening. This isn’t fair. Nonna sniffs. I look at her. She wipes her damp eyes as she faces burying another child. Her lips are a thin line; she fidgets with the hanky.
“You knew!” I do something I wouldn’t dare do before and yell at my grandmother. “You knew!” My lip quivers and I cry openly. “How long have you known?”
She doesn’t get angry at my outburst. I can hear my sister’s cries through the phone and it’s making it even worse.
“A year,” she says, her voice both sad and guilty. “He wanted the time, he didn’t want to be sick from treatments. He needed to put his affairs in order for Rain. I had to respect his choice, even if it was killing me too.” Her hands shake. “I called Rain last night, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I know it’s the end. I just want to take care of him and make sure he has no pain. But, I wanted you children to be able to say goodbye properly.” She shakes her head. “It wasn’t right the way he wanted it.”
I zone out, hearing Val crying, and all I want is to hug my sister. Her cries turn to yells and I hear things breaking. Rain looks at the screen but he’s facing his own heartbreak too.
“No one outside of us can know about this, you understand that?” he says to the ladies surrounding him; the women behind the men that run the underworld.
I nod. I don’t have words. I lean over and grab the phone so I can see my sister. Her eyes are red and shining with tears. She shakes her head and I feel her pain in my chest.
“I can’t do this, Vivvy, not again. I can’t do it.”
I know what she means, I’m her other half. I nod and say, “I know. It’s not fair–”
She cuts the call off and I only hope he’s there to hold her. I look up at my brother, trying to sit straight with his chin up, and I can tell he’s not ready for this either. I swallow my sadness, stand up, wipe my tears and leave them to go and see my father.
When I look at him I see my Ma. I see her dying in front of me and I know I’m not strong enough to do this again.
Suddenly all my troubles seem like nothing, and all I wish for is someone to stand beside me and prop me up through this. Rain has Ailee this time, but I am alone.
Thirteen
Rich Amber
ROMEO:
I’ve been back at work for a week and in that time I haven’t seen Viv once; not a booking or a text, or even a call. Somehow, I’m upset about it. I feel rejected almost.
The salon is busier than ever and Ailee has been floating in and out, she’s distracted and keeps leaving things with Chelsey and me. Lock up, open up, cash up, it’s like we’re running things on our own.
“Have you spoken to her?” I ask Chels, who is still dirty at me over that kiss.
“She’s not saying a word, says it’s family stuff,” she says as we count up the day’s takings and the money that Rain’s guys drop off after closing. “I haven’t seen Rain around either. Maybe they’re fighting?”
Ailee isn’t pissed enough for that to be it. “She’s not acting mad enough for that.”
“True. Listen, can you finish up? I need to get home to the little guy, it’s late.”
I look up at the clock and it’s almost eight. “Yeah, go on, I’ll lock up.”
She doesn’t waste a minute, grabbing her bag and making a run for it. I wonder if she knows he’s here, if she senses him around. I look at the clock and hurry myself along.
I’ve been sharing my evening meals with Rat since we ran into each other. It’s much later than normal and he’s probably already gone. Sighing at the thought of eating dinner alone, I finish the cash up and lock everything away in the safe for banking in the morning. I’ll probably end up having to do that too.
Turning off the lights and locking the doors, I head downstairs and lock up the front of the shop before I walk down the alley and home. It’s too late for food now anyway.
I make myself a cup of coffee and turn on the TV before I get com
fortable on the sofa. I’m tired. The extra hours are killing me slowly. Ailee needs to get it together or pay me way more.
Halfway through an episode of Married At First Sight my door buzzer goes. I just about shit myself at first. I’m not expecting anyone, in fact I don’t think more than three people know where I live.
Getting up, I look through the peephole in the door to see who is there. If it’s my neighbors I’m pretending I’m not home. Standing in the hallway looking around like he’s afraid to be seen, is Rat. I open the door quickly and step aside so he can come inside.
“Hey, I didn’t know you knew where I lived.”
“My family knows everything, Romeo, we’re the mob. Also, Ed sent dinner.” He gives me a brown paper bag and shuts the door. “That offer to stay still stand?”
“Of course. Come in, make yourself at home. There’s a spare room down the hall.” I notice the gym bag at his feet. “You can put your stuff in there.”
I lock the door and follow him to my spare room. It’s small and has only a single bed, but I’m certain it has less bedbugs and other forensic evidence in it than any motel.
“Thanks man, have you heard from Viv today?” His question seems odd and he’s skittish, his seedy gaze darting around.
“Nope, I’m almost certain she’s ignoring me, and I’m okay with that.”
“Was Ailee at work?”
What is this, twenty questions? “No, she’s got something going on. And before you ask I haven’t seen Rain either.” He sits down on the bed, bouncing it like he’s testing it in a store. “What’s up man?”
“I heard a rumor today that the old man died. The Russians are gearing up for war and I made like a chicken and ducked.” He looks at me and I see the worry lines at his eyes. “Sorry, but I needed a place to lay low. I can’t exactly ask someone because I’m technically not here.”
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