A War Like Ours

by Saffron A Kent

  Bending down, Madison ruffled her hair. “Yup. Today’s my day off, so I thought I’d come see you.”

  “Awesome! We can watch movies together, and then you can watch me swim at the pool. Daddy said I’ve been getting good with floating.” She clapped, skipping. “Oh, and I even know how to fly like superhero in the water.”

  “Wow. That sounds like something I’d love to see.”

  “Yay! Daddy, can we go now?”

  Madison’s arms went around Katie, hugging her side. “I think we should all eat first. Your daddy was kind of…hungry,” she said with a mischievous glint.

  Shaking my head at her, I addressed Katie. “Go freshen up, sweetheart. I’ll get the breakfast started.”

  “Okay.” She ran to the bedroom, shouting in her wake, “Make pancakes!”

  “Tell me what to do,” Madison said, pointing to where I was assembling ingredients.

  Without looking up from the mixing bowl, I said, “I thought you cooked for no man.”

  She came to stand beside me and took the spatula from my hands, deliberately lingering her fingers over my bruised knuckles. “I don’t. This is for Katie.”

  For Katie.

  Unknowingly, Madison lent me the corroboration I needed to tell the truth, at last.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  James

  Madison ended up spending the day with Katie and me. We had breakfast—pancakes and scrambled eggs on the couch in front of the TV. I threw surreptitious glances at Madison as she listened to Katie and laughed with her.

  Somehow, Katie got it in her head that she wanted a fish for pet. We had been watching Finding Nemo on TV, again—thankfully, they did manage to find Nemo at the end—so that might be it. We found ourselves in Pets n U on the main street. We perused the aquariums for about half an hour, during which Katie made faces at the fish, pressed her button nose on the glass, and blew at them, dissolving into giggles. Even her lipstick did not bother me much. Madison chuckled at her antics, and I stared at both of them, trying to memorize it. In the end, we bought a goldfish that Katie named Leo.

  When Katie got tired of walking, we decided to go to a bakery that we had passed a few stores down. They had outdoor seating, covered with big black and white umbrellas, but we chose to sit inside because it was cooler. The smell of sugar hung in the air as we entered. We took a table pushed against the purple-painted wall, displaying rows of decorated cupcakes. We placed our orders—a black coffee with cinnamon for me, a red velvet cupcake for Katie, and a plain black coffee for Madison.

  I watched Madison from across the table as I extended my legs and sandwiched hers between them. She smiled into her coffee cup. Being so close to her all day and not being able to touch her had been a grueling torture. While walking, Katie had been between us, but somehow Madison would manage to brush her shoulder against my arm or her hand against my chest. When she would get too close, I would take a lungful of breath, trying to smell her. My cock twitched at each sniff. I could not wait for the next morning to arrive so I could fuck her senseless. And this time, I would make sure to taste all of her first.

  At dusk, we decided to call it a day. I had offered to walk Madison home, and she agreed with a stiff nod. As we walked to her house, I realized the awkwardness of the day pressing upon us. This entire day had been surreal. I could not have imagined this happening in a million years. Again, I wondered, where did she come from?

  We reached her house a few minutes later. As we walked up the cemented driveway, flanked by an elaborate lawn, I realized that this was bizarre, wrong. What if Julia opened the door? After yesterday, I was even more convinced of something sinister behind her eyes. The way she looked at me while asking about wanting to borrow Madison was…odd.

  On the porch, Madison turned around to face us, and I could see the strain on her features. Her smile was fake when saying goodbye to Katie. Then her eyes settled on me.

  “She’s in New York for work,” she told me as if reading my thoughts.

  Whatever warmth was lingering from the day evaporated at her words. I didn’t know why that revelation angered me so much, but it did. It felt like a betrayal. Like Katie and I were an afterthought for her—something to fill the time.

  “That’s why you decided to spend the day with us. Because you were lonely.”

  “That’s—”

  “Let’s go.” I took Katie’s hand in mine and pulled her away.

  We climbed down the stairs, and Katie whirled around and shouted, “Bye, Madison!”

  I heard Madison bid her goodbye, but I kept walking.

  That night I sat by the lake for a long time. Not saying anything to Nat. I simply stared at the dead surface of the water. Then at the grass, thinking about Madison lying on the ground with small bloody cuts on her ribs. I thought about her, lying on her bed, tangled in the sheets with Julia. The tears she had cried for me seemed like a long time ago. The heaviness that had not bothered me all day gripped me now. My shoulders ached as if imploding. The pain spread its fingers and pulled at every muscle in my body, reducing my very existence into a dull throb.

  ****

  Madison did not come to our spot the next day. I waited for her for over an hour. At first, I refused to believe that she would not show up. It was not possible. I knew that her addiction rivaled mine. So I waited and paced and paced.

  Almost an hour passed, and I turned anxious. My heart pounded. I whirled around at every movement, thinking she was finally here. Flashes of yesterday circled my head. Her smiles, her sneaky touches, the look of her eyes. Did Julia do something to her? Did she find out and…

  Then I grew angry. I clenched my muscles, forcing myself to stop pacing, stop looking for her, stop hearing things that were not there. And finally, I turned enraged. I cursed her even as I was trying to figure out a way to contact her. By the time I got back to the cottage—seething, crumbling, falling apart—my need to cut was beyond sanity.

  A little while later, a knock came, and I thought she was here. I dashed to the door on wooden legs and ripped it open.

  But it was Julia. She smiled at me, and I knew something was wrong.

  “Good morning, James. I’m sure you’re surprised to see me here.”

  My fingers curled around the doorknob. I itched to shake her, and to ask about Madison, but I held myself tight.

  “I’m going to get straight to the point. I know. About you and Madison. I’ve always known.” She paused, looking at me. There was a peculiar glint in her eyes. Was she hoping that I would say something in return, deny it? I could very easily do that. The lie sat on my tongue, pushing itself forward, but I swallowed and forced it down. It was shocking…novel. I had never been able to simply not lie before.

  “Does Madison know you’re here?” I was surprised to sound like myself when I hardly felt it.

  She continued as if I hadn’t spoken at all. “Madison is a special woman, James. She has special needs. Do you know that sometimes it’s hard for her to even get out of bed? She forgets to eat. She forgets to even take a shower. She can’t be on her own. That’s where I come in. I take care of her. I force her to be…a human. I force her to live.”

  “Why’re you telling me this?” I already knew that about Madison. Like me, she was barely alive.

  “So that you’re aware of what, exactly, is between you and Madison.”

  “And what is that?”

  “An affair. A short and a quick affair. It didn’t mean anything,” she told me. “I asked Madison to marry me last night, and she agreed. She knows what’s best for her. She knows I love her, James, and she needs me to survive.”

  Something hard slammed against my chest. If I had not been gripping the knob tightly, I would have fallen back. My legs shook with the effort of standing still. Julia stared at me, perhaps expecting me to say something. But I could not have spoken even if I wanted to.

  Madison was getting married.

  I saw her glowing face when she had asked me to cut her, her s
hining hair spread out on the grass, at my feet.

  Julia shook her head. “I want you to stay away from her. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you packed your bags right now and left. Of course, you’re a guest here, and I can’t ask you to leave. But I’m sure you’ll do the right thing, seeing as you have a wife and a daughter.” She paused again before saying, “Cheating never ends well, James. But I’m willing to overlook Madison’s mistakes since it’s hard to find a love like ours. I only hope the love between you and your wife is just as special.”

  With that, Julia left.

  Madison was getting married.

  I feel like dying tonight.

  It’s hard to find a love like ours.

  ****

  Madison

  James and Katie had just left me at my doorstep after I’d spent the day with them. Now, I stood in front of the mirror, watching my reflection.

  It was freaking me the fuck out. Like, really scaring me to death.

  I looked like my mother, yes. But there had always been some tiny differences that separated me from her. But today the differences had vanished.

  I had become my mom. When did that happen?

  “Madison?” Julia’s voice penetrated my fear. She was standing at the edge of the bathroom with a worried expression.

  “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “Yes, I just got home. Are you okay? You’re sweating. Why are you naked?” She approached me as I turned back to see myself in the mirror once again.

  Sweat covered my forehead and upper lip. It ran down my neck and between my breasts. I had a sudden desire to cover myself in front of her. Reaching over, I snatched a towel and wrapped it around me. I splashed some water onto my face and took a deep breath.

  “I’m fine,” I mumbled. “I’ll be right out.”

  “Were you about to take a shower?” She stood behind me and ran her hand over my shoulders and neck. I stopped the urge to recoil from her touch. Then I realized she was touching me in a very specific place. The bruise.

  Holy shit!

  I’d forgotten about it. I usually kept my hair down and over on one side to hide it. But today Julia found it, sitting there on my neck—an incriminating purple bite. She fingered it, drew circles around it.

  She looked at me in the mirror, and I knew that the day had come when we’d talk about it. Despite my outward calmness, I felt frozen with dread.

  “It’s James.” She finally broke the silence. It wasn’t a question but a knowing statement. Of course. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from her.

  “Yes,” I whispered, unable to give her anything other than the truth.

  “I heard you at the restaurant. In the bathroom. I knew you were with James then,” she said casually, as if telling me I had snot on my nose and I needed to clean it up, then arranged my hair behind my back. “Actually, that’s not true, I knew before that. I always watch you when he’s around, you know. You get all tensed up and, you know, hot and bothered.” She laughed, or more like cackled. “At first, I thought you hated him, couldn’t stand him. But no. You watch him all the time like you want him to look at you, touch you, pay attention to you, only you. It’s kind of pathetic. So unlike you.”

  She stopped playing with my hair and bile surged inside my stomach at the sudden stillness in the room.

  “I know you don’t love him,” she said, looking me in the eye.

  I darted my eyes away from her and stared at my face. My eyes screamed at me. Don’t you love him? Don’t you? They knew something that I didn’t. Maybe I did know, had known for a long time, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

  “It’s okay, Madison. I’m not mad at you. I’m disappointed, yes. But not mad. I can fix this, okay? I’ll fix it for the both of us,” she said, kneading my shoulders.

  Yes, maybe she could. She could fix this mess. I mean, she braved living with me, so how hard could anything else be for her?

  “It didn’t mean anything.” God! I was such a fucking liar. It meant everything. I closed my eyes to stop the flow of tears. “I’m sorry.” I apologized not to Julia but to James. I apologized for lying even if he never heard it.

  She patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. You don’t have to cry. We all make mistakes, Madison. As long as you’re willing to put the work into it, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” She placed a kiss on my bare shoulder, and I jerked in revulsion.

  “Come on. Put some clothes on. I have something to show you.” She smiled and left me alone to dress. What was up with her smile? How had I never noticed how creepy it was?

  Numbly, I put on my pajamas and joined Julia in the living room. Mom stared at me from the photos. All I wanted to do was get in bed and stay hidden forever and never see the world again, never see Julia again or even James, for that matter.

  Julia sat on the couch with boxes of Chinese takeout scattered on the coffee table. The food made me want to throw up, and I clenched my teeth. I sat on the opposite side of the couch, perched on the edge, wanting to jump up and run away from this place.

  “So I lied to you,” she began. “Not exactly lied to you. But I hid something. I went down to the city for the meeting, but I also wanted to do something else.” She sighed and smiled. I shifted my eyes and looked over her shoulders. “I…I didn’t say anything about James, because I knew you didn’t love him. I knew our relationship was safe. I… You’ve hurt me, Madison. I’ve always felt that you were closed off. We shared many things together but not your past. Never your past, and it was okay, because I always felt that you’re here with me and that’s all that matters. Besides, I knew I’d take care of you. I went through the entire process of being jealous, angry, afraid. I thought, wasn’t I enough? Didn’t I love you enough? But then I really thought about it, and I realized that what we have could never just be gone, you know.” She caressed my face; her fingers smelled like sleeping pills. “It can never disappear, because I know you. I know the kind of person you are, and you’re not capable of living alone. You can’t survive alone, without someone to take care of you. And that’s what we share. That’s how I knew you were just misguided, and it’s up to me to fix it.”

  She straightened her spine, and my gut churned. Oh God! What the hell was coming now?

  “But if you want me to fix it—and believe me, I want to. I want to fix it for you and for us, Madison—then I’m going to need something back from you.”

  What the hell did that mean?

  With deliberate slowness, Julia presented me with a tiny velvet box and opened it to reveal a ring inside.

  “I want you to marry me,” Julia said.

  My heart dropped to my stomach, and I pressed my hand on it. I felt it beat through, pounding, making me nauseated.

  Only Julia would propose in the face of cheating. Because why wouldn’t you want to marry a cheater? Why wouldn’t anyone?

  A big diamond on a gold band winked at me. Beautiful by normal standards, but to me it was ugly.

  I fisted the edge of my cami, pressing it against my lurching stomach. It didn’t mean anything. Hadn’t it? Hadn’t it meant everything? Every fucking thing?

  I felt James peering up at me with his storm-colored eyes like he was there with me, and my heart wrenched. I’m not my mom. I’m not. The mirror was lying. I couldn’t be like my mother.

  “Okay.” I said it out loud, staring down at the ring.

  Did I just agree to marry someone? Marry?

  I felt Julia sliding the ring on my finger.

  She hugged me. “Do you trust me? Do you trust me to take care of you?”

  “Okay,” I whispered, once again. I’d forgotten any other words.

  Julia smiled, and then, she gifted me her love in the form of two sleeping pills.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Madison

  I didn’t know what day or what time it was when someone knocked at the door. A series of big loud thumps. I sprang out of bed, almost face-planting on the floor.

  What if it was J
ames? I hadn’t seen him since our outing. And it felt like…I had died. Like someone had cut my heart out and removed it from my body. The numbness was so visceral that it ached. Yeah, talk about contradiction.

  Since I had hardly any life left, Julia was the one who took care of me, fed me, first food—that I threw up—and then her beloved pills. That I liked. I could slip away after taking them. So I didn’t have to feel when she fucked my dead, unresponsive body.

  The floor felt too cold under my feet, and I was shivering by the time I made it to the door. I opened it, and the sunlight streamed inside the dim, sickly house, making me wince.

  James stood at the door, disheveled in his untucked sky-blue shirt and black pants. His hair fell over his forehead in messy waves. His unshaven jaw looked rougher. In fact, his entire face appeared gaunt, more gaunt than I’d ever seen it.

  My heart thudded at the sight of him. Woken up from dead, it screamed. It told me that I loved him.

  Oh God! I loved James. So. So much.

  “James,” I whispered his name, gripping the door in my hands, sizzling with the need to charge at him and tangle my arms and legs around his body.

  His jaw ticked and he swayed on his feet. I stared into his bloodshot eyes. What was…then the realization set in. He was drunk. James had come to me drunk out of his mind.

  He jerked his head, like swatting an invisible fly. He was wasted, and he was here in front of me. Suddenly, I wasn’t so ecstatic anymore. Suddenly, I wanted to pound at his chest, make him hurt. Suddenly, I was afraid.

  He blinked, taking a step closer to me, and I took a step back.

  “You’re drunk,” I hissed, rubbing the coldness off my heated arm. “Don’t come close to me.”

  His head dipped, but his eyes were up on me. They looked crazy…well, crazier than ever, uncontrolled with anger. He kept walking toward me, one step at a time. “I waited for you.”

  “James, I—”

  “But you never came. Why didn’t you come, Madison? What stopped you?”

  Well, when he put it that way, I didn’t know what to say. What stopped me? I stopped myself and also, those stupid fucking pills, but I had no idea what to say. I stood gaping at him.