by Joy Wodhams
Although Gabriella had never felt so sorry for herself, in a way she was relieved that those around her were too involved in their own lives to notice her misery. If anyone had spoken a kind word to her she knew she would burst into tears.
But she was wrong in believing that her mother's new interests excluded her.
“You're not looking well, my dear,” she said, one morning when the two of them were alone at breakfast, Rod having left for a three day visit to France. “You've lost weight. That blue dress is positively baggy on you and your hair looks so dry and dull.”
“I'm fine, Mum. Really. It's just that there's such a lot to do at the office right now.”
“Well, you mustn't overdo things. Your health is more important.”
“It's only temporary. Don't worry, everything will be fine soon.”
But her mother was not satisfied. “You and Rod don't seem to be together much lately. Is anything wrong, dear?”
She couldn't help it. The concern in her mother's kind eyes brought tears welling to her own.
“Oh, my dear! You've quarrelled?”
It was far more than that but how could she explain to her mother? “Yes,” she said. “A quarrel.”
“Don't take it too much to heart, darling. Every couple has the occasional fight. But you love each other, you'll get over it.”
Gabriella was silent. She could never reveal the truth of her marriage. Even if she could, she could expect no real help from her mother's rosy view of life, but she longed to draw comfort from her as she had done as a child.
“Things aren't very good between us,” she admitted. “I don't know what to do.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I can't, Mum, it wouldn't be fair.” To you, she added silently.
“Then you must talk together. Two people who care about each other can overcome any difficulty.”
Gabriella patted her mother's hand. “I know that's what you'd like to believe, Mum, but this isn't a romance out of one of your novels. This is real life and -”
“Don't patronise me, dear!” Her mother's voice was uncharacteristically sharp and Gabriella looked at her in surprise.
“Was I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, but I do think I'm more of a realist than you.”
“Gabriella.” Mrs Stevens reached out a hand and drew her gently towards her. “I know you think I'm just a silly old romanticist – oh yes, you do, you can't deny it – but the truth is I see things far more clearly and practically than you realise. I always have. If I hadn't, do you think I would have stayed with your father all those years?”
Gabriella stared at her. “You mean – you would have left him?”
“Oh yes, dear, I thought about it many times.” She sighed and was silent for a time. Then: “I think I've done you a disservice, Gabriella, by not talking to you about your father. You were so terribly upset when he left. I thought it best to keep quiet, to give you time to get over it. But I can see now that your interpretation of what happened may have coloured your attitude to men, to life generally. I should have talked to you, made you understand.”
Gabriella's mouth was dry. She swallowed with difficulty. “Talk to me now,” she whispered.
“I loved your father. He was a wonderful man, wonderful. Larger than life. From the moment I met him he filled my life with colour and excitement. I married him just a month after we met, you know.” She smiled. “You're thinking, that was not very practical, not very sensible, aren't you? But sometimes things happen to you that are so tremendous, so all important that you have to reach out with both hands and grab, before it's too late. Before you lose them.”
“But – did you know then what he was like? The other women?”
Mrs Stevens shook her head. “No. That came later. But if I had – oh, I don't know. How can you say what you would do if you were given greater knowledge at the time?” I expect I would still have married him.”
“Why? How could you?”
Her mother was silent for a long time. Her eyes, looking into the past, were soft and dreaming. “Because he gave me so much,” she said at last. “He brought a sort of intensity to living that I knew I could never experience with anyone else, if I met a thousand other men. It was as if everything I saw, felt, heard, even tasted, had something extra. He took life in great bites and he taught me to do the same. And he loved me so much, more than anyone had ever loved me before.”
“At first.”
“Oh no, dear. Always.”
“He couldn't have done! How could he, when he – when he -” Gabriella jumped up from the table, her eyes filling with tears again. She dashed them away and turned to face her mother. “How could you have stayed with him. Didn't you have any pride?”
“It's easy to let pride blind you to what is fundamentally important in your life.”
“But – he hurt you so much.”
“Perhaps not as much as you believed, my dear. Your father loved me, always. I was the most important thing in his life, as he was in mine. The other women – they were a drug. He just couldn't resist them, the excitement of the chase, the capture. Someone new everywhere he went. But it was me he loved, me he came back to.”
“Even so. I've never understand how you could just accept the way he behaved.”
“I told you I was a realist. I weighed up all that he had given me, continued to give me. Oh, not just the material things, although there had been plenty of them. But his love, that was as deep and fresh as the day we married. The wonderful companionship, the magic he brought to everything we experienced together. You felt that too, didn't you, dear?”
“Yes,” Gabriella whispered.
“You and I, dear. We would both have lost so much.”
“But we did lose it in the end.”
“Yes.” Her mother nodded sadly.
“I've always hated him. For leaving us the way he did. Without saying goodbye. Without even any money.”
“Your father had become involved with a woman who turned out to be far cleverer than he was. She fooled him into investing money in her business, and then more money, temporary loans, money that he hadn't earned yet, until he became so financially entangled that he couldn't extricate himself. There was nothing left and if he'd stayed in England he might even have faced charges. So he went to Brazil. To her. But he didn't love her, Gabriella. He loved us. So much that he couldn't bear to say goodbye.”
Gabriella shook her head in stubborn denial. “I don't believe it.”
“He had always taken such care of us, showered us with every luxury imaginable. Now he could give us nothing. He was ashamed, desperately ashamed. He took the easiest way out.”
“If he'd been faithful to you none of it would have happened.”
“If. If. Your father was a magnificent man and I will never regret having known him, loved him, married him. But he was a weak man, too, and other women were his failing.”
They fell into silence. From beyond the quiet room came the clink of pans and crockery as Mrs Priddy prepared lunch.
Gabriella shivered and hugged her arms to her chest. “Rod is like my father,” she whispered.
“Oh no, dear! How could you think so?”
“There've always been – lots of women.”
“Naturally. He's a very attractive man. But he's married to you now.”
“Why should that make any difference?”
“You think he's seeing someone else?”
Careful, Gabriella. “I – I don't know. Perhaps.”
“My dear, Rod is a very different man from your father. Rod isn't weak, he's strong, very strong. I think he's a moral man, too. And he loves you.” Gabriella began to shake her head. “Believe me, he loves you. It's there for all but the blind to see.”
“You think I'm being blind?”
Mrs Stevens took her hand and squeezed it. “I think you're a very frightened girl. Frightened to love. Frightened to trust. Some of that is my fault and I'm deeply sorry. I should hav
e realised how you felt.”
“You can't blame yourself, Mum.”
“We should have talked earlier. But now you must talk to Rod.”
Why? She could never forgive him. “It's no use.”
“Try, dear. But not a confrontation, that's never the best way. Just talk to him. Open your heart, let him see that you love him.”
“I can't! I can't!”
“What have you to lose? A little pride at most. But if you don't talk, this dreadful gap between you will widen and widen until you are enemies.”
“I think we're enemies now,” Gabriella said miserably.
“Oh my dear, I hate to see you so unhappy. But there's still time. Promise me you'll talk to him when he comes back.”
It would be useless, she knew. But at her mother's insistence she promised.
As she tried to work on the Company's forward budget later she recalled snatches of their conversation and was glad they had had the chance to talk about the past. She had been foolish to put her father on such a high pedestal. Thinking about him now she was able at last to see him, however weak and faulty, as a human being and slowly she felt the hard bitterness dissolving. Did he ever think of her, she wondered. And was her mother right? Had he left because he loved them too much?
But it hadn't been fair to burden her mother with her problems. How could she help when she knew nothing of the real circumstances, was so wrong about Rod's feelings? Rod didn't love her. There were times when he had tolerated her, even desired her when there was no one else around, but now he was finding it more and more difficult to disguise his dislike. It had been a relief for both of them when he left for France.
Inevitably her thoughts turned to Sue Langdon. Was she with him? If she had not yet left for her new job she was free as a bird, Gabriella thought bitterly, and there was no reason at all why Rod should have stopped seeing her. But had he taken her with him?
There was only one way to find out.
It was one fifteen when she got to the apartment. She had decided not to telephone first, but as she rang the bell and waited apprehension almost made her turn tail and flee. She saw a curtain move at the window overlooking the entrance and a few moments later heard footsteps across the tiled floor of the hall.
Sue opened the door, seeming as surprised to see Gabriella as Gabriella was to find her there.
Without make-up and with her dark red hair hanging loose and uncurled about her face, her beauty was if anything more pronounced. There were slight hollows beneath her cheekbones that added a fine drawn classic look to her features.
“I'm sorry I didn't give you any warning,” said Gabriella. “I just happened to be nearby and I thought -”
“It's nice to see you,” said Sue, seeming genuinely pleased. “Would you like some lunch? I was just cooking myself some scrambled eggs. I've plenty if you'd like some.”
Gabriella thought she would choke if she ate anything. “No thanks, but a coffee would be nice.”
“Well, come into the kitchen while I make it,” said Sue. “It seems strange, playing hostess to you. You must know this apartment so well.”
Oh no,” said Gabriella silently. You spent all the happy hours here, not I! “I heard you were starting a new job soon,” she said. “I thought I'd come and see you before you left.” She glanced around the apartment, noting that most of Rod's furniture remained but there were several unfamiliar bits and pieces that must belong to Sue.
Over her shoulder Sue gave her that cool mocking smile that was so familiar. “It's not for another ten days, but thanks for coming. I don't see many people at the moment.”
Except Rod. “I was sorry to hear about the miscarriage.”
“Thank you.” Sue put the coffee on a tray and Gabriella saw that her face was suddenly shadowed. “I had mixed feelings for a while. The baby had become very real to me. But -” and briskly she opened cupboard doors, put out cups and saucers and a caddy of biscuits - “it's all for the best. I don't suppose I'd have coped very well on my own.”
Despite her jealousy Gabriella felt a sudden surge of pity for the girl. Whatever problems the baby might had presented, losing it must have been dreadful and Sue's suffering showed in her face. How could Rod have abandoned her in such circumstances? Disgust sharpened her voice. “Rod should have done more.”
Sue looked at her in surprise. “Oh, but he's been ever so helpful. This apartment – I had nowhere to live and I could never have afforded to rent anything half as good as this. And the money -” She gave an embarrassed smile. “I hope you didn't mind about that. He did tell you?”
“Yes,” Gabriella lied. “He told me.”
“And then recommending me for the job in Slough. He could hardly have done more.”
He could have married you! For God's sake, how could you be so – so passive about it all? You should have made him marry you.
Sue was scrambling eggs, piling them on to a piece of toast. “You don't mind, do you? I need to put some weight back on.” She transferred the plate to the tray and led the way back to the sitting room.
While she ate and Gabriella sipped her coffee they talked about the apartment, about Englands, about Sue's new job. “I'm looking forward to it,” she said. “It's another step up the ladder and the firm is very hi-tech and progressive. There'll be lots of trips abroad, too.”
But you're used to that, aren't you, Sue? Do you think I don't know? Gabriella set down her cup, wishing she could carry this off as coolly as Sue appeared to be doing. “I must go,” she said abruptly, rising from her chair.
“Oh, have another coffee first. I really appreciate your coming round.” Sue glanced up from beneath her furry eyelashes as she poured. “You know, I never felt you liked me very much when I was at Englands. You used to give me such an inferiority complex.”
“I did!” Gabriella sank back into her chair.
Sue laughed. “You always made me feel like the typical dumb blonde – except that I'm a redhead. You're so intelligent and competent, so good at everything, just like Rod. No one was surprised when you both took over the Company.” She shrugged. “Me, I'll never be more than a secretary.”
“I didn't know you felt like that,” Gabriella said faintly.
“Oh yes!” Sue smiled that mocking smile that Gabriella was coming to realise was not aimed at herself but was self-deprecating. “I often wished I could be more like you. I even started going to classes once, Business Studies. Rod encouraged me, said I could do a Day Release course. But I couldn't keep it up, most of it was way above my head.”
Absently Gabriella helped herself to a biscuit and munched on it as she tried to make sense of this astonishing revelation.
“I felt that you looked down on me,” she suddenly found herself confessing. “You were always so glamorous and sophisticated and well groomed. I felt at a disadvantage with my sensible suits and sensible hair style.”
Sue's lone eyes became round. “I thought yours was the executive look. Believe me, if you knew how many times I pictured myself at the head of a boardroom table dressed just like you!”
They found themselves laughing together and Gabriella realised with a jolt that in other circumstances they could have been friends. But the realisation brought the reminder that too much lay between them. She rose again. “I really must go.”
Just as she was about to leave, Sue touched her arm. “You won't tell anyone I'm here, will you?”
Gabriella stared at her.
“No one knows except you and Rod and Jenny. But if anyone else finds out it could make it easier for Martin to trace me.”
Martin? “I shan't tell anyone,” Gabriella said. But who was Martin?
“I feel much safer now I've left Englands but I know he's still trying to find me. He just won't accept that I'll never go back to him.”
Gabriella felt as if she had stopped breathing. “When did you leave this – Martin?” she whispered.
“About two months ago when I knew I was pregnant. I went a
way for a week on my own to think things over and when I got back I packed my things and left. I stayed with Jenny for a week, then you and Rod got married and he offered me the apartment until I could sort something out.”
“Did – did you tell Martin about the baby?”Gabriella managed to whisper.
“Oh no! My God, if he'd known I was expecting his child he would never have let me out of his sight! I keep telling myself it's a good thing the baby didn't live. Martin would have stopped at nothing to get hold of him.” She smiled wistfully. “You're so lucky, having Rod. He's such a wonderful person. We went out together, you know – just for a time when I first came to work for him.” She sighed. “But you can't choose, can you? It was my destiny to meet Martin.”
“I'm so sorry. I – If there's anything I can do – any way I -”
“Thanks, but things are looking up now. I'll be all right. Thanks again for coming, and – well, I should have said it earlier, but I do wish you and Rod all the best. I know your marriage will be a very happy one.”
“Thank you,” said Gabriella. She wished with all her heart that it could be so, but she now knew without a doubt that she had thrown everything away.”
The sick horror that flooded over her when she realised how wrong she had been was something she would never forget. The hatred she had felt for Rod was as nothing to the self disgust she was experiencing now. Rod would never, never forgive her, yet at this moment when she realised just how much she loved him she needed his forgiveness desperately. Despair filled her and as the time for his return drew nearer she knew that she couldn't face him.
She remembered a little Devon guesthouse where she and Bernard had once stayed, upriver from Dartmouth. A quiet place with beautiful countryside and river views. A good place to escape while she sorted out the turmoil in her mind, and far enough away to deter Rod from following her. Not that he would, she thought bleakly. He would be glad she had gone.